Ah, it was a Relate counsellor. That explains a lot.

We spent months in Relate, going through about five different counsellors (and that swapping-them-in-and-out is irritating), so I've formed a clear impression of the organisation and its ethos. It takes a strict 50/50 blame view on infidelity - they are scrupulous about not assigning blame to the infidel and remaining utterly neutral. There is complete avoidance of the questions of morality, personal integrity and betrayal of vows. Instead, the focus is on the interraction of the couple, and how it can be made more functional - if one partner caves in to the other in order to achieve a spurious harmony, this is a Relate 'success'. There seeems to be an organisational pride is being unbiased and neutral about everything, which is frustrating if one spouse is fighting to save the marriage.

I have to say, though, that Relate's neutrality was useful to us in some ways. H was reluctant to seek help for his problems, because he felt that any therapist would judge him and be disgusted. Relate's determined neutrality actually reassured him and gave him the confidence to share his feelings. And in fact, our last counsellor - who was very gentle but quite persistent with him - urged him quietly towards personal therapy. Eighteen months after d-day, H called a therapist recommended by my IC, and has been in IC for over a year. It has made a huge difference. Relate was his 'in' to therapy; it made it respectable for him.

But I would never use Relate for IC. I found my own IC's phone number from an internet site that listed therapists in my area, with information about their approach. I was actually looking for her, because I knew something about her background, and perhaps I wouldn't have done so well with the others on the list, but it was a place to start looking.

God Bless. Hope half-term isn't too trying.

TogetherAlone

Alph

We had a weekend that I thought would never be ours again. Loving, fun, intimate, lots of morning bed cuddles and playfulness, and lots of progress talk too. And we copped a decent tan too ! Who would have thought that in Wales ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Relate are useless rubbish. Marriagecare are open to anyone ( I'm no Catholic and they talked to me !)

No guarantees with M'care - but well worth a call I reckon.

You are doing wonderfully well darl' . Proud of ya ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bob - I don't believe a word of it (I'm talking about the welsh tan of course!).

Hi Alph - please consider posting the important text of your exposure letters for us to review. Multiple heads are better than one and we're free! (but hardly easy)

WAT

I am waiting for the headmaster to phone me back - should be in about 15 mins. I have my 'phone notes' beside me. I feel absolutely sick and ill (again).

Please make it OK please make it OK please make it OK.

Alph.

Well, I have spoken to the headmaster. He admitted that he advised WH to keep the A quiet (!)

He says he will speak to WH about the 'situation'.

He does not seem to be willing to offer anything else (certainly didn't say that he would be sacking WH and OW!). At the end of the conversation I asked him how I could get in touch with the Chairman of the Board of Governors. He gave me those details. So now I will be writing to him, too.

All the way through HM kept on saying how he was responsible for the reputation of the school, how the ethos of the school was against 'this sort of thing (A's)'.

He told me that he would also inform WH that I would be writing to the Chairman of the Board of Governors. I don't know where to go from here - I don't know what tactic to employ - exposure in one day is now impossible, or course, but the 'expanding circles' method means I now have to wait for WH's reaction to the upcoming conversation with HM (don't I?).

BTW, WH had not been able to speak to the HM before me, which was a relief.

Alph.

Well that sickens me! Alph, you don't have to wait on WH, just get your letter off to the Chairman or call him. Tell him how disappointed you are that the HM does not uphold the moral code of the school and drop the hint that the parents of the other kids may find out soon. I would not waste any time doing this while your WH is on holiday. Any word from your PI yet?

Nothing from the PI yet.

HM couldn't give me a phone number for the BOG but I have the address.

I'll get a letter started ASAP.

If you want to find out the phone number for Chairman of BOG (unfortunate initials!) try http://www.192.com and if he's not ex-directory you should get the phone number.

LETTER TO CBOG:

Dear Mr. ***


Further to a conversation with ***, the head teacher at ***RC school, I regret to inform you that my husband ***, head of music and ***, are involved in an adulterous affair.

*** has left me and our children to live with ***. The children are devastated. He informed me on April 2nd that he had been involved in this affair since just before Christmas, and had decided to leave me. He left the following day, saying there was no hope for reconciliation. I do not agree with this; I think that my husband has make the mistake of his life and I wish to save our marriage.

I have no intention of divorcing my husband. He has no grounds to divorce me for five years.

I am very disappointed that *** (headmaster) has advised my husband to keep quiet about the affair.

As this adulterous affair may continue for over five years (as I am not going to divorce my husband), how long will it be before the affair becomes public knowledge in the school?

I would be grateful for your opinions on this matter.

Yours etc

Alphin.

Thanks SF. I think I'd rather send the letter. I did promise WH that I wouldn't make any more phonecalls until we had a chance to talk (except to HM) but I didn't promise anything about not sending letters. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Why am I not the least bit surprised?

Welp, so much for those "authoritative moral standards" we hear that are so much better and reliable and can-be-counted-on than "lesser" standards.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Go up the ladder, Alph. Now you're acting for all other parents with children at the school as well.

NEVER underestimate the depth to which "moral" figures will stoop to protect themselves and their turf.

WAT

Rip it to shreds, guys.

Alph.

Is there a church attached to this school where Mass is celebrated? Do the teachers attend Mass and take communion?

Do you know the Priest who celebrates Mass at the school?


Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

My recommended changes to your letter.

NOTE: I take no prisoners when it comes to hypocrits.

*************************
Further to a conversation with ***, the head teacher at *[Our Holy Lady of Hypocrisy Today Catholic School]*, on June 1, 2005, I regret to inform you that my husband ***, head of music and ***, are involved in an adulterous affair.

*** has abandoned me and our children to live with ***. The children are devastated. He informed me on April 2nd that he had been involved in this affair since just before Christmas, and had decided to leave me. He left the following day, saying there was no hope for reconciliation. I do not agree with this; I think that my husband has make the mistake of his life and I wish to save our marriage for the sake of all involved.

I have no intention of divorcing my husband. My intent in contacting you is to shed further light on the secrecy of the adultery to further it's end as recommended by my advisors with substantial knowledge in this area. My goal is to restore my marriage and my family.

I am very disappointed that *** (headmaster) has advised my husband to keep quiet about the affair in order to prevent adverse effects on the school. By his own admission, *** stated that this goes against the principles of the institution, yet he is reluctant to administer those principles. I hope you find this hypocrisy to be as unfitting a characteristic to place on this fine school as I do.

As my husband and *** are currently living together, it is inevitable that the affair becomes common knowledge in the school community, including the parents of other children. It is imperitive for the best interest of all that you attend to this matter expeditiously in order to preserve the school's fine reputation.

I would be grateful for your response on this matter as well as a description of your intended actions.
**************************

Send a copy to the local Catholic Church authority.

WAT

Pep,

Ooh...I wonder! I'll look into that for sure.

Thanks!

Alph.

WAT,

You are an example to us all. Thanks so much for your edit. I'll get copies off ASAP.

Alph.

You must realize where I am going with this ... partaking of the Host while comitting this level of sin is NOT taken kindly by the Priests.

Report this to the clergy.

I got the BEST post-D dayadvice from our Catholic Deacon, who recommended our MC .... after ripping my WH a 'new one' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

edited to add this juicy bit ... Deacon Jack yelled at WH "What an A-hole!"

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Send a copy of the letter to your archdiocese ...might as well go for the top !

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Gosh.

I haven't mentioned this before, but my WH told me about the A at almost the exact moment that Pope John Paul II died.

I thought this was an interesting coincidence - mentioned it to WH. As he 'doesn't have anything in common' with me any more and therefore has to misunderstand everything I say he took it very seriously and told me 'not to read so much into everything'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

What an idiot.

Still, he may have cursed himself now. How about a letter to Benedict XVI, detailing the affair, and mentioning WH's timing for dumping me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.