How are you JLS? Have you gotten the appointment with SH? Let us know how it goes.

Grapegirl,

My appt. is today. Gotta' go feed horses and will be back later to elaborate on happenings. H is not real happy about the cost, but he didn't throw a fit either.

Pansy, I am tired. The chores get to me, but I've always done ALOT by myself. I have moved the roundpen around by myself many times... Got hay Wed and cleaned stalls. Got shavings yesterday and pushed em in, shoer came, trailered D14 and 2 horses to trainers for 2 hour lesson...But I was getting some peace of mind..now H is really pushing the moving back in thing. Guilt and uncertainty are filling me up now.

Thanks, CSue, confused and Lemonman. I truly appreciate the support here.

I have felt better and then was waiting for my appt!!

Hi jls,

How are you doing?

Weaver - aren't you meant to be away on vacation?

We are leaving next Saturday TT. My DD is at her Dad's this weekend and BF is visiting his dad in nursing home s/b here tonight.

What's up with you? You are in Asia right?

Yep, Hong Kong. Sounds exotic but I just do the same old things that you do - work, kids, etc. Things are okay. WH was here today; usually comes on Sunday. He's working like a Trojan building a big cage for our parrot. It's so strange how I couldn't get him off the settee before we separated but now he always keeps busy. He is useless at talking - says so little to me or the girls but they are happy to see him. I find I feel quite anxious when he is around. Always expecting bad news from him regarding his health or money. TT

Are you heading towards divorce TT? Do you know yet?

Glad he is keeping a relationship with your kids, even if he is the silent type. LOL

Is he still with OW? Is that it with your sig line saying he couldn't get away fast enough?

Weaver - I don't want a divorce yet. If I'm not married to him then I will lose my right to reside in Hong Kong. I'm here as his dependant. His employers sponser us here. After next February, we will all be entitled to permanent residency because we'll have been here for such a long time. I want my girls to have that right. This has been the only real home they can remember. I think once I have that sorted out, then I will have to make decisions. For now, I don't want to rock the boat. I care for the man - you can't just stop caring, but I really don't know whether I want him back. I don't feel safe with him. I wasn't safe before the affair but I accepted I had taken him on for better or worse. I can't help wondering if I've been handed a "get out of jail free" card. But still I feel so guilty. This is the biggest tragedy of my life. I am staggered at how lightly people can take their commitments.
As for OW, he claims to be looking after himself, whatever that means. I am 99.99% sure she is around but I don't think it's quite as wonderful as he envisaged. The fact that he doesn't contact the kids at all midweek and always rushes back on a Sunday by 8pm (dinner time?) makes me believe she's still on the scene.

From my own personal experience I can almost guarantee it is not wonderful. How could it be with a wife and children on the side. I am first hand proof that pain begets pain.

Another year of this will be very hard on you TT, this limbo and the lonliness.

I wish you didn't have to go through this. You are a very strong woman that is all I can say. Thank God you have three daughters to keep you hanging on and to bring some joy into your life.

Thanks Weaver for your kind words. I'll be away in England for 6 weeks in July/August. Might provide me with some clarity when I'm away. TT

jls - how 'bout an update? How'd your appt with SH go? Perhaps I missed another thread from you, I'll look for one.

WAT

No, WAT, will give THAT update soon. Sorry that I mislabeled thread, was not intentional.

Weaver and TT, I am great, notwithstanding messy but good weekend. Glad you guys threadjacked, wish I had more hitchers sometimes.

Thanks ALL, for caring, it means alot!

MY update but still NOT on the SH appt.

Okee,
Sorry. This weekend has been NUTS. My H was around helping and I asked him why he would want to even come back to such a CHAOTIC household?!

Last Thurs., daughter (D14) had riding lesson. She had been preparing for a mini-event and her horse became lame the Sat. before, after cross-country schooling. So I told her that she needed to ride my horse, who has done all this before (eventing). But it has been awhile and he hasn't been ridden consistently in a yr or so! She does NOT like riding my horse, but by Tues or Wed, we knew she had no choice (her horse was still lame) and I had already paid the entry fees. I toyed with the idea of letting her off the hook, but told her to give it a try on my horse. Well, Thurs. after her lesson (on the flat - no jumping, mostly dressage) she HATED him and was not looking forward to the event or her jumping lessong on Fri. Thank goodness, Fri. she took a lesson on him (she was snappy all the way over), and after jumping him, was ALL about what a great horse he is! ---Please keep in mind folks, that I PAY for these lessons and cross-country schooling... AND trailer her horse (or mine, as it was) to lessons.. AND tote lil bro along who can be a pain while we are waiting, OR we "drop" the trailer (unhook), go home or errand-running, and then come back and hook up again after she is done!

Well anyway, while all this was going on- not to mention the ongoing probs- D14s best friend, her exboyfriend, had left his house in a fit on Wed. nite, after arguing with his parents, and was not home yet, by Friday. D was VERY upset about this and was filling me in little by little, and had been telling him that he needed to go home. She had spoken with his Mom on Thurs, they were both very worried about him.

So, on Fri., I took her to her lesson, dropped the trailer and went to store with S7. Her trainer was also planning a party for a mutual friend who was moving back to Texas. So, I had gotten horse feed that day for trainer and us, then ran trainers' errands and mine at store.... I was then supposed to get us all home and drive to pick up D's friend, go to a MC appt with H at 7, then back home, decide what to do with Ds friend for nite, and go to party... So H came (surprise) and met us at lesson, we went home and unloaded horse. I jumped in H's car to drive (~20 min each way) to pick up friend, had exactly 1 hr and 5 min. til MC. Friend's Mom called me when I was halfway there, to tell me that they were taking friend to hospital, he was going kinda nuts and was dehydrated with no sleep. So I went back home, calling D on way. I walked in my house, D met me and dropped BAWLING on front stairs, the boy had done Crystal Meth. and she had been so worried and hadn't known what to do!!! She was really torn up.. I held her, she cried alot. She was afraid that he was going to die and it would be her fault for not telling. She is 14, Dammit. I told her that she shouldn't have to deal with these things at her age, she could have came to me, I will ALWAYS help! I also told her that I realize growing up is hard (and harder, these days) and she probably will have to deal with more things that she is not equipped to deal with. It is hard enuf for grownups, dammit again, much less, KIDS!!!!! We actually had some great talks that nite. After going to MC, she and I went to ER, even tho she wouldn't see him, just to let his parents know she cared and see if they needed anything. He is ok now, but still in hospital, it was very scary.
The event went fine and kept her mind off of things. She had to walk her course on Sat., and it is an hour drive away, past hospital where friend was. So we called parents all around to see what was going on and if they needed anything. Sun. we left the house at 6:15 am and didn't get back to 6:30 at nite. It was a great day, tho. She only got 6th, because she fell off during x-country ride, but she was fine and even laughed about it. She is pretty great about that stuff. Don't worry. she wears her helmet and safety vest...At first she kinda blamed her horse, then said that it was really her fault and was mad at herself. She would have gotten 2nd or 3rd, if she wouldn't have fallen, she realized. BUT, she had only been riding my horse for less than a week!! No refusals...he is a GREAT jumper. He is an exracehorse and has ALOT of heart!!

When we got back form the event, H informed us that S7 had been running a temp. I was glad that they had a good reason for not coming, cause I could tell D was dissapointed. But of course I wasn't happy that S was sick.

I swear, next post will be about my appt. and H stuff. It is NOT going well, but thought that this above info was kinda important too, as a precursor..and I had a GOOD weekend anyway!!

jls

Hi jls,

I was wondering about you over the weekend. I can see that you have been busy.

I couldn't even pretend to give you any advice on your D or horses, since my only experience is with fish. I'm just sorry that everything has been so trying for you.

I am tapping my foot and impatiently waiting for that update on your appt with SH.

svb

JLS,

After reading about your hectic weekend, I think I need a nap. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

... back to sleep now...

-AD

AD, I hope you got a good nap in, cause I need one. S7 is still sick, wen tot Dr. today. Then ran around getting meds and stuiff until 8.

Well, here goes, and there will be more as I have the time and patience..

(deep breath) here I go,

Well, as I think that I said before, H is not all over this SH thing, he says because of the expense. I believe him mostly. H said that SH was gonna tell me what I wanted to hear, for that amount of money. PSHAW!! H also said that about the guy who cleaned up the recording.
SH DID tell me what I already knew, tho. H is NOT on board with this M, H and I are NOT on the same page. I DO understand (at least, somewhat) that H and i are different with diff needs and priorities. H is not accepteing or I should say, not believing that my stuff is improtant. He just can't see it. It doesn't make sense to H!!!
SH listened to my story and gathered the info. He understood about the recording and my Qs. He also said that he would not tell me to forget about it. It was an unsolved (unresolved) mystery. SH said that alot of people and counselors would tell me to forget about it and go on, but he knew before I told him that of course I couldn't do that. I told him that some counselors had told me that and I had tried. SH said that I should not jump to the conclusion that it was a physical affair, but definitely sounded like an unappropriate friendship. I should make certain to tell H exactly what would happen if he told me the truth. I should explain that it was like an infected wound that could not heal without his help.

SH gave me some other strategies for dealing with some ongoing probs in communication with H and myself. I also told SH that I was in a dilemma about letting H back home. He said that I should not let H back home until we had an idea where we were going (a plan, so to speak). I told him that I wanted to let H back, but was not ready in some ways. I also told him that H feels like this is a punishment, and Steve agreed. He said that I should just explain to H that we needed to figure things out and reflect on our sitch...
SH wants H to call, but H does not want to spend the money. I knew this would happen. I can force H to call, but really do not think that it would do any good.

Here is why i don't think that it would help. We, H and I , went to the MC, his IC, Fri nite. H hardly said a word, as usual. I got quiet many times so as to let H bring up things. One trigger for me was when, at the beginning of the session, H said that I was making a bigger deal out of things than they were. Esp him and his resentments. This was almost exactly what he said years ago in MC about the same stuff that I recorded him bi+ching about.. He would not brainstorm a plan. Did not "know" how to answer any of counselors' Qs. Again, I walked out of there, feeling like my M is all but over! Then all this weekend, I tried to talk to H about SH and all the stuff. Without LBing and trying to give him the "out" to talk later. It just never happened! And it never will, is how I feel, right now.
I had told H that I wanted him to call SH, but then after C session told him that maybe he was right and it would just be a waste of money. I told H that he has to be ready to listen and respond, to make it worth it. H is NOT going to call, unless I make it a condition. I don't want to "force" H to do anything anymore. I told him that he should want to be honest with me. That he should want to share things with me. H said that he does. But then he doesn't..
I have so much more to say about this. It makes me very sad to write this. I was very busy this weekend, but also probably procrastinated on this because I knew it would be painful. I can't even explain how much.


jls

jls,
I feel your pain! I wish I had the answer on how to get your H to open up...because I need that same answer in my sitch. My WH is so good at saying nothing! Its frustrating and infuriating! You don't know if he's too ashamed or guilty to put it into words...or its just not worth it to him...he doesn't want to hurt you and share his true feelings...he doesn't even care enough to have feelings. Most of the time it feels like he uses his silence to punish me or stop me from asking questions. My biggest needs are validation and communication.

We tried MC a few months ago. Didn't work because of lack of participation on WH part.

You are in my prayers

hi confused,

Thanks.
"We tried MC a few months ago. Didn't work because of lack of participation on WH part."

We have been to MC many times. H CAN talk, I know he can. WHY can't they see? SH said something that made sense. My H needs to understand my needs and see that it is his RESPONSIBILITY to try and meet those. And of course that goes for me too. That is, if we want to stay M.

My H is very needy about some things, he just can't seem to get my needs. SH said that these things aren't important to H, so he really doesn't "get" it.

Oh, and Steve said that H could likely take the truth to his grave - about the recording. That was fairly early in our session, and that was insightful and scary.

jls

This may be very hard to hear...but it's not about manipulating your H to DO anything. YOur post is filled with you knowing you can't MAKE him DO anything, but then it seems like you want advice on how to do that exact thing.

The MB plan is about the BS or the WS making a better M, not about getting hte other person to DO anything...

Plan A is about working on yourself, making the changes you have needed to make in the M. By teaching your Giver to give and deposit (not withdrawal) LU in your partners LB. By fulfilling those top 3 needs and cutting out all LB's.

Then when you feel you love is draining...you're not getting your EN's fulfilled in return, it's time to preserve the love you have and go dark in Plan B.

It's not about getting hte WS to act or react in a certain way. It is teaching YOU how to deal with the situation. If the WS gets to a point they are not willing to lose you...then great, and that is often how it ends, but the only person you can change in this, is YOU.

Your WS acts SO MUCH like mine did. The muttering under his breath. The smiling at me and pretending everything is OK, then complaining to his friends. There was one of our frineds who we both confided in, then he in turn would tell each of us wha thte other would say (with his own spin). Caused quite a bit of problems for awhile till H and I made a pact not to talk to him about our M....or only the good things.

In your posts I see you spinning your wheels, making it all about HIM. What did YOU learn from SH. WHat are YOU changing. What is YOUR plan?

I did this throughout our M. Spent entirely too much time and attention on him and his needs, and was fulfilling all the wrong needs. I finally gave up. Found that we were in a passive-aggressive cycle and decided to get out of it.

Read this article and see if it helps. Asked my H to read it too, and he didn't realize he acted this way...

The Boomerang Relationship

SHMI,

I KNOW that you are right. That is what I am trying to let go of. My H sometimes says that I am jsut so "forceful" and that hurts. I do not want to force him this time. Or anymore.

I know also tho, that my H really does want to come home. And since I made him leave, he keeps asking me what he can do to come back. I could tell him that he has to talk to SH. But the he would probably resent me for it. And it very well could be a waste of time and money, knowing how my H is in MC.

SH didn't get to my plan, really. And I need help. SH told me to get my H to call him. I am still ambivalent about this. SH did tell me that I should not let H move back yet. But H will not help come up with a plan, and I am all out of ideas - except to force him to do things, which I do NOT want to do!?

I have handled this separation badly also. I have kicked myself for all of this. I have let H come home on weekends and some nites. It is very confusing for S7 and the rest of us. I thought that I was doing a Plan A, then. But it has not been a true separation. The reason that i have stayed separated and why i made H leave is to stop my LBs and AO. I was feeling so hurt, being lied to, that all I wanted to do, was yell the truth out of him. THAT wasn't working for either of us.

2X4 away. I will really try to listen. I am trying to let go of it being all about him, or rather us. I just couldn't do it anymore while he was here. I feel like i am going about everything wrong.

If you are planning on continuing with SH, it will be helpful for your H to speak with him. My FWH spoke with Steve twice at my urging, not because he really wanted to. The information that I obtained from those sessions was invaluable.

So is this true:



If you can make him call, I would say, go ahead and do this.

You also said:



Steve can handle how the session goes. Make it a condition.

Your focus seems to be on him and want you need for him to do. Focus on yourself. Changing the focus from him to yourself will help you feel a lot better.