(((( Ethan ))))

I [color:"red"] L O V E D [/color] your contribution !!!!

Thank you [color:"blue"] soooo [/color] very much ... that was great !

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

We are competing for the LoveBuster Queen Award! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

**SNORT** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But seriously guys, I was thinking of taking my WH back, while he was STILL with OW. Thank God, Melody and others talked me out of that one! YIKES!

He had even started moving his things back into our home. I was at work, and folks here convinced me I was making a HUGE mistake. I had to leave work and go to court to keep him out. Then the court wouldn't give me a restraining order, but I waved the papers that I did have, and my WH left and took his stuff.

I can hardly remember how awful all of this was at the time. Now it is mainly hilarious.

believer, you were awesome and very courageous! I still remember that day!

Melody -

I remember that day too. Thanks to you and others, I didn't make the worst mistake of all.

I didn't do too well on following the MB program, but at least I kept him out of my home.

Now things are fine for me.

Mistake number 1,2,3- On first discovery of affairs/innaproriate relationships 1-3, I clamped down any pain and hurt and attempted to handle it with 'grace'- never allowed myself to raise my voice, cracked jokes (yeah, I still can't beleive I did that), and never EVER let him see me cry. Unfortunately, this gave him the message that I really didn't care, as long as I didn't find out. No wonder after the third affair we had a false recovery. After OW #4- I let him hear my pain (my D-day was over a phone with his confession, several thousand miles a part), I vented like you wouldn't believe, I LB'd him up and down for a solid twenty minutes, because I thought I'd never be able to forgive it. heck, the OW was still in my home when he called me-- because my son and he had raced to see who could get a hold of me first. After that phone call, however, no LBs, no DJs, but I let him hear me cry. And he suddenly woke up...

Mistake 4- Allowing myself to be talked into leaving my hubby and kids overseas to go to college ALONE and live in a dorm. What I really did was walk right into a trap he had set... he was hoping I'd "even the playing field" by having a revenge affair and it allowed him to live a double life in Guam- certain people knew we were still married, others were told we were seperated and divorcing. It placed my kids (15 & 9) in a precarious position, because I honestly never thought he'd pull anything with the kids around. My 15 year old son walking in on him kissing another woman (OW #4) in our livingroom taught me to never put ANYTHING past someone who hasn't truly committed to a marriage. How I ended that semester before returning to Guam with straight A's, I will never know. I know now that if you REALLY want to work on your marriage, you DO NOT leave the marital home. Sure, they may leave, but you send a very bad message if you give in to the flight response (which is why I gave in on going to school- I was running away).

Mistake #5- Forgiving way too soon (within five minutes) of discovery and without any apology from the husband for affairs 1-3. After OW #4, he had to work to get me back home-- he had IC for several weeks before I flew back. I didn't forgive him until I was really ready to do so. He had to begin to repair his relationship with his children (and he has) before I would agree to come home.

Mistake #6- Not beginning counseling as soon as I got back home. I was trying to make nice, but I should have asserted myself on this point the second I was off the plane. Not getting help made for about five ackward months and a very insecure me. After rotating back to the States, we finally began marriage counseling and the real healing began. And now we have our next precious baby on his way in just 5 weeks.

So far...not listening to my own gut feelings. Or maybe I just wasn't ready to listen to my gut. I'm reading all these "mistakes" and I'm thinking there are so many similar ones, maybe these are just things we need to go through to get to where we need to be. I think I better go buy a Chanel suit I feel an [censored] whooping comin' on!!LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Copping Ethan's style:

Mistake:

Not protecting my own privacy vigilantly enough. Responding to potential WS shenanigans with, "Well, she wouldn't do that." Yes she will. Did. As they all will and do.

Mistake:

Not calling in sick the day after d-day and finding a pro-M counselor who understands infidelity (most don't). Maybe this isn't so much a mistake... who knows to do that? But I considered getting counseling for weeks after D-Day and did not.

Mistake - maybe:

Not throwing out my W on d-day. I was a good partner, a great partner. I also had many faults, definitely, lots of things. And plan A is a pretty idea. But it is not always the right thing. Hard call. Impossible to make, maybe, without hindsight. But if this happens to me again, she's more than likely gone on d-day. Not plan D, but I will make beginning to save the M her responsibility. And please oh please, if anybody is listening, I'd rather not get cheated on again.

Mistake:

Trying to save my M. Okay, I'm being stupid. I'm glad I tried. It's one of the best things I've ever done, even though the outcome is not what I was going for.

GC

Does not beating your WH senseless with a rubber duck on d-day count as a mistake?

*Often regrets that she passed the opportunity to use rubber duck as weapon*

Beating him with a rubber duck!?

THat's CUTE, not violent. Isn't it?

-ol' 2long <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Only cute if a woman does it, 2long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

GC

Oh I don't know... ...depending on one's taste

a big strapping young lad with an "Earnie's Rubber Ducky" on the downward arc..."

...nah! You're right after all!

-ol' 2long

Cute, violent... when it comes to me the line between the two (if a line between the two ever existed...), is rather blurry and incredibly curvy.

These are not in order of significance - just my list an dit's probably only 1/2 the things I did wrong

1. Not finding MB early enough - Meaning not going to Plan A BEFORE D-Day. MAYBE if I would have Plan A'd my butt off -things would be different - on 2nd thought - probably NOT.
2. Exposing his cheating to too many people - serial cheats can't be dealt w/the same as other adulter's
3. I should have hired a PI sooner
4. Opening my big mouth to soon w/proof or about questionable activity he was doing..I should have built a better case. He just got better at hiding everything
5. Realizing too late that he's a serial cheat
6. By questioning too soon - I lost the ability to find out who they all were/are - I could have really undermined his A's with more evil intent by driving the OW crazy.
7. Realized too late that this wasn't about ME. I allowed him to degraded me and blame me for all his A's. I allowed him to destroy me emotionally
8. Not filing a PFA order in April when he became physical - this would gotten him out of the house. I've been trying for a year to get him to leave - he won't
9. When I exposed his A's I should have personally gone to the OW house when they and their BS where home with PROOF
10. After D-Day I should gone directly to Plan B or D
this nightmare has gone on too long - it's lost it's momentum.
11. I should have gotten his children on "my side" rather than against me..
12. I should have used tape recorders etc. early in my investigating.
13. I should not have LB at all...it broke me and any hope of recovery
14. I should have realized I was married to a man with strong narcissist traits - I learned that too late - these peopel don't respond typically

I have made alot of mistakes - I could probably type all day here....BUT, maybe the REAL first one was marrying a serial cheat/my A partner 11 years ago....HINDSIGHT...

Let me know when y'all get to 'Mistakes I Made 401- advanced theory and application"

I'll have a few things to add.

dewt

Believer, you said:



I just had to laugh. I'm sorry. I have always regretted not doing stuff like you did. I stayed away from the OW and now I fantasize about all the fun things that I could have done. FWH tells me that she said she wasn't afraid about me coming to her house because: "That's not her style" ( in reference to me).

Instead, BELIEVER, I did "CLEAN TOILETS". REALLY! I bet you that you could eat out of my toilets. My house was spotless! It sold the first day it was on the market. It may have been better a strategy but it doesn't seem like it was as much fun as the stuff you did!!


ALOST WIFE:
Oh, and the RUBBER DUCKY! I have one of those I could have used on my FWH. OH WELL......

Mistake Number ten:
Spending way too much time on what ifs, wonder if, and other revisionist attempts. What ifs are useless.

Mistake Number eleven:
Spending too much time drafting incredibly elaborate plans of revenge (sometimes ala Road Runner style), instead of focusing on my own healing process... but again, constructing a giant FOW or FWH trap made out of popsicle sticks could be considered occupational therapy.

Before the A:

Mistake #1
Assuming my H knew how I felt and what I was thinking. Without me saying a word.

Mistake #2
Ignoring the fact that my H wasn't happy.

Mistake #3
Always thinking that "IT" wouldn't happen to me.

Mistake #4
Not realizing the role I was playing in the destruction of our marriage.

After D-Day:

Mistake #1
Believing WAY too much of what my H said.

Mistake #2
Begging, pleading and nagging.

Mistake #3
Destructing myself pysically.

Mistake #4
Spending too much time wondering if my H was with the OW or where he was and what he was doing at any given time.

Mistake #5
Showing up at the hotel room that my H and the OW were sharing, demanding that they open the door. Knowing that they wouldn't and making a fool of myself.

Mistake #5
Giving my H permission to let the OW spend time with our children.

Mistake #6
Spending too much time talking to the OW's then H. He in turn became too attached to me.

BIGGEST MISYAKE OF ALL
Putting up with all of my H's crap for WAY too long.

Thanks, Pep!

Sometimes I feel like this stuff has kinda passed me by. (Or me it, don't know which...) I'm not sure that's necessarily a bad thing. I try to offer what I can, when I can....