tfm:

I loved your list, 2!

-chopped liver <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I found this post yesterday and I thought I would bump it. I must say I feel much better that some of you oldtimers made the same mistakes as the rest of us.

My mistake is quite obvious: I haven't plan B'd yet after over a year of this.

I am still trying to find out why searching books, posts, the net. Why does he say he loves me soo much, does not want to divorce me, but keeps the truth from me (as not to lie out right) why not end it with her and rebuild our M or end our M and start something with her. My brain knowes the answer but my annoying emotions keep fogging things up.

Because if he gives you just enough taste of fish bait to wet your appetite ... he doesn't need to give you the entire fish to keep you in limbo. You are sustainable on crumbs is the lesson you have taught your cheating spouse.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I made a pile of mistakes, maybe. Like many people, I look back and wonder why I allowed the situation to continue for so long. In my case, the answer is simple: So I could secure and protect my relationship with my daughter.

All the mistakes in the world don't counteract having done that one right, and in order to do that one right, I had to lie down and be a mud-wipe for her boots for a very long time.

I don't know how things would have turned out if I had done things differently, so I won't categorize anything as a mistake. But here are key points where I wish I knew what the alternative outcome would have been:

Instance 1: When we'd been together for four years, we went through a rough time when she said she wasn't sure she wanted to be with me. There wasn't an affair then, though there was a guy who flirted with her one weekend. (That says something about her self-esteem, come to think of it, that a flirtation for a few hours had such an effect. Anyway...) I would like to know what would have happened if I had said it was fine if she dated other people -- and asked her to move out while she did so.

Instance 2: When I read my ex's journal and discovered that she was lying to me about the effects of her relationship with OM on her relationship with me, I decided I was going to move out. She convinced me not to. I would like to know what would have happened if I had left at that time. (She was about 3 weeks pregnant with DD then.)

Instance 3: When my ex began telling me she wanted to leave and take DD with her (DD was about 2 months old the first time that happened), I could have gotten in the car with DD and gone to the biological father's house. And stayed; the ultimate in Plan B, I suppose. I would like to know what would have happened if I had done that.

Other than that? Well, though my marriage ended, I can't say as I would do much differently. Sometimes when you're caught in the tides of mammoth change, there is little or nothing that your own actions can accomplish. And more and more, I understand that this was not, and never has been, about me.

Bump

Excellent thread.

remember this thread? Bumped cause it's a good one!

I haven't made any mistakes. I have chosen "Being Right" over "Being Married."




Ummmm....



Maybe that will be a mistake?



Ok, now you can throw tomatos at me, all of you who have given up on me long ago.

I'm actually trying to go back to Plan A for a little while more. Guess it doesn't hurt to not be such a b!tch while I'm trying to figure it all out.

I made a lot less mistakes in the early going than I could have, and I owe it all to some very good advice received here. I only wish all BS's could get here before D-day, to save them a lot of unnecessary agony (like worrying about fogtalk, withdrawl, and not insisting on NC).

The mistakes I have made is;

#1 Not exposing to OWH

#2 Not exposing to OWH

yeah, I get it.........

#3 Having too general of boundries (one bounderie, No Contact Ever) I should have requested email passwords when asking for transparency. Should have made marriage counciling part of my boundries.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

KD's-
I've read your whole story, and I think you've come out really well, IMHO. You can't indoctrinate folks who have no morals, and Rat certainly falls into that category. I hope your FWH realizes what a great wife he has! How do you feel about your recovery?

How do you feel about your recovery?

Dear Imanotherone;

My recovery is not quite perfect, but it is a work in progress. We still have Pre-A Issues that need to be addressed, and I have learned that recovery will aways be something we have to work on.

As far as my husband appreciating me, I am not a mindreader, and he doesn't say it with words but his actions tell me with his liking to cuddle with me at night.

All in All, it is what it is, but hopefully with work it will be better.

My biggest mistakes?

1) Failure to recognize the marriage was not salvagable.

2) Continuing to beat that dead horse for five years believing we could build something that had never existed prior between us.

If I had to go over again? I should have left. My greatest regret these days is that five years of "marriage building".

Melody,
I gotta love you!

Texan attitude while looking gorgeous in a designer suit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I've made some really stupid ones so far (R is still ongoing, so there's plenty of time for more mistakes to be added to the list):

1. Believing my FWW when she told me that the A was over prior to D-Day (in reality, the EA continued for a few months afterwards).

2. Rationalizing that it actually could be possible for my FWW to continue working with the OM after D-Day (thereby delaying true recovery for several months and causing significant emotional damage to myself).

3. Not exposing the A on discovering that the EA was continuing.

4. Instead of requiring immediate NC, allowing my FWW to have one final meeting with the OM in my house (as mistakes go, that was a doozy - I still can't believe that I did something that stupid just to appease my FWW).

ManInMotion-
Some mistakes cannot be taught--they must be learned first hand. It will only be a mistake if you make the same one twice, IMHO.