Well, ladies & gentlemen, I have good news to share. After nearly a 1 ½ years of indecision, anxiety, depression and heartaches (and numerous back & forth w/ the OM), I have finally decided that I want to give my M one more try.

I’m sorry for not posting sooner, esp. knowing that so many of you cared enough to ask, but I knew this was a decision I had to make on my own, and it certainly was not easy. I’m very stubborn that way.

After being inches away from filing a D, I’ve officially (and completely) broken things off with the OM. I’ve demanded NC (and I mean, NEVER) from the him and begged my H to take me back. Not only was my H willing to take me back, he’s also agreed to going to MC with me. In fact, he was waiting for me at my townhouse last night when I got home from my group therapy, and we hugged, cried and talked all night. We’ve not done that for nearly 3 years. It felt great. And, after he left, I actually slept well through the whole night!

Side note: I’ve been going to group therapy for about 2 months now, and it’s helped me in ways I never knew was possible. I strongly recommend it.

Anyway, the big help I could use right now is support and advice … to help me get through the withdrawal. Although I’m certain I’ve made the right decision (not just because it’s the right thing to do, but it’s what’s right for me), it’s still excrutiatingly hard. I can’t help thinking about the OM (whether it’s good or bad). My IC advised against anti-depressants b/c I’m not really depressed. I just get these anxiety bursts when I think about him once in a while. She says I just need to get through it and leverage my support network and keep my mind and body busy. She also advised that I use an affirmation to get my mind off of him, which really has worked well. But, I still get in slumps and just can’t help the little thoughts that creep in and out. So, when you find me posting periodically when I get into those slumps, just please bear with me!!

One thing that still doesn’t make much sense is … why is it that even though I know I never really loved the OM and am certain that there is no future for us, I still think about him so often? Why does it still hurt so bad? I just don’t get it. I will say it’s been a little easier this time around than in the past since I actually want to work on my M, but it is still so hard!!

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well, and please write when you get a sec.

Thanks,

Whisper

Whisper, this is the best news I have heard today! Come here and post any time you are tempted to break NC. {{whisper}}

OK, not in love, then what is it that you miss from him? What was he giving you that you weren't getting somewhere else, or weren't able to give to YOURSELF!

I'm going to mess with your quote a little ... see if it helps

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One thing that still doesn’t make much sense is … why is it that even though I know I never really loved smoking and am certain that there is no future in smoking, I still think about smoking so often? Why does it still hurt so bad? I just don’t get it. I will say it’s been a little easier this time around than in the past since I actually want to work on my health, but it is still so hard!!

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See ... if you want to extinguish any bad habit, it takes time and persistance and a PLAN. Develop your PLAN. Sounds like your group therapy has helped you develop a PLAN that will probably work. Adjust your PLAN as needed, but don't abandon it.

Good for YOU !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

[color:"green"]I know - wear a rubberband around your wrist and every time you think of the OM stretch it and let it snap back onto your hand. The sting from that might break the cycle of your thought process. This also helps to break the pattern of anxiety in general. Just be careful that you don't snap so much you have a huge welt on your wrist! LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

*yay* whisper

I remember you! And I am so happy that you have made this decision. As a FWW - I know the battle that you are about to face with your H - hang in there - be strong and congrats on your decision to better your life and do the right thing!

1. Thanks, FF. I definitely plan on it … and it may be really often for the next few weeks. (I’m bracing myself for the worst – since I’ve been there, done that.)

2. StillHere – I miss having him around. He was a lot of fun. I hate to admit this, but he was probably the funnest (if that’s a word) person I’ve been with. We had a lot in common and enjoyed the same recreational activities … sports events, golfing, playing tennis … or just goofy stuff like going ice skating on a whim. He was very spontaneous. The weird thing is that there are things that I don’t exactly miss but just can’t get out of my head that still make me anxious (and maybe sad??). For example, I had dinner at a restaurant before my therapy yesterday. It happened to be one of the many where he and I had dined. There was no sentimental value to the place. In fact, when we’d have dinner, we rarely had much to say – can’t say that he was real big into intellectually stimulating conversations, but it did remind me of him and made me sad for some reason. That’s what I don’t get – I get sad even though I don’t really miss HIM, per se. I also miss his calling me– even if it’s just a silly message asking how I was doing. One last thing is that I hate being alone. I’ve always had someone there, so being by myself is a tough thing. I know I need to work on this … learning to be happy and comfortable in my own skin, but I’m not there yet. In the meantime, I miss just having someone there, even though I can’t say that I always enjoyed his company. With that being said, my therapist advised that I should not move back in with my H immediately. That we should date for a while until we’re both truly comfortable. I agree with her, but I get so lonely. That’s when I miss having the OM there the most.

3. Thanks, Pep. Yeah, 1 ½ year habit is hard to break, no matter how you slice it. Trust me, I will do everything I can to stick with the plan. It is really, really hard.

4. Chackler – I’ll give that a try. I’ll do just about anything to get through this right now.

5. Deeply – Thanks. Also, can you give me some clue as to the battle that I’m about to face w/ my H? Sometimes when I can anticipate the blows, they don’t hurt as much.
Also, any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Whisper, I totally understand. Were you two friends before all this started? OM and I were friends at first and when it all ended it was that friendship that I missed more than anything else. I think you will always have some bittersweet memories, but think of it this way and maybe it will help. Remember how Pep brought up quitting smoking? This is kind of the same thing. I use to LOVE, I mean [color:"red"]LOVE[/color] smoking, but I had to quit because it was really hurting me. I still look back and wish for a smoke at times, not out of habit per say, but just because it tasted good. I know though that if I dwell on the thought I will crave cigarettes even more, and then eventually I might slip and smoke again. If I do slip, it will be even harder to quit.

This is the same situation for you. Yes, you had good times, but they were based on lies and deceit. Try not to romanticize or glorify it. It will make your craving for your OM worse and you just might slip.

After d-day and the first few months of counseling with my hubby if things didn't go right, or if hubby pissed me off, I would fantasize about my OM. It was a temporary fix - I always felt miserable afterwards. Please don't do this to yourself, I made myself miserable for a long time by doing this. Don't use your OM as an escape from reality.

Each BS is different, and it will be a rollercoaster, but your group therapy, etc will help you weather the storm.

If you are lucky - he will be right into the marriage like many of the BS's here, and ready to meet your needs, but there is a good chance, he needs to heal now, and may not want to meet your needs until he is healed, as in my H's case. It's hard, as all the things you need in a relationship - you may not get for awhile..but you gotta look at the big picture - you love your husband and want it to work, and he loves you and wants it to work...

but he has stood by and waited for you - it is his turn to heal...as I said - he may jump right into working on the marriage, he may also need to sort things out in his head by himself.

A thread where I wrote about this is Here

BUT dont think it will be just like this - this is just my case. Even if it's not like mine, and just like many of the other BS's on here, you may go through some times where he is very hurt or angry, and you can't get defensive...you have to be there for him now. You have to be strong. Keep getting better, keep healing, keep meeting his needs.

DO whatever you can to make withdrawel easy for both of you - don't even CHANCE contact!

And hang in there - it's the better choice, even if it seems it is going to be the harder choice!

Whisper, that is very good news.

I hardly ever post anymore. I know I should because I know I can help (especially FWW's) but I'm in a completely different place now. A happier and better place.

Just believe me and trust me on this. I had an 18 month A, it's now 2 years (exactly) since the A ended.

The OM is gone. Gone from my mind and gone from my life. It does happen.

I want to wish you all the best. You can and WILL get through this.

Jen

Chackler - Yes, we were friends before we had the EA and PA, so it does make it that much harder. Plus, 1 1/2 years of getting used to someone and everything that goes with it (good or bad) makes it that much harder and painful to get over things. I agree, the hardest part is when my H does something I don't like, and I'm trying very hard to keep the reality and fantasy separate (and to forget the fantasy altogether). Speaking of - one of the reasons why I decided to turn back is when I spoke with the divorce attorney. That's when the fantasy turned into reality for me physically, emotionally and mentally. Meaning, I started to see the OM as my prospective H, and then reality truly hit. I realized the OM is not what I want out of life, and what my H has to offer is beyond comparison. But, it's still hard and it's so nice to hear that others have gone or are going through this. Please keep posting!!

Deeply - I'm one of the lucky ones where my H has, is and will do anything to make it work. That's what's made it so hard for me to file the D. I know unconditional love like his rarely comes around ... if ever. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. He is truly amazing.

Jen - Thank you for posting. Yes, your story and others like yours will give people like me the hope and inspiration to keep trudging through. You're like the light at the end of the tunnel for many of us, so please do keep posting.

Thanks to everyone,

Whisper

Whisper - even though you don't feel it, you are doing good.

When feelings for the OM emerge (it's probably constant right now) direct them to your hubby. Think of how lucky you are to have a husband who wants to work things out and keep the marriage. That is a blessing - focus on that.

Whisper, welcome back - it’s good to hear from you again. I was wondering about you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I’m SOOO glad to hear you have finally decided to break it off with OM, have NC and work on reconciliation with your H and recovery of your M. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Whisper, a few months ago I’ve put together this thread for FWS’s in withdrawal and you’ve also posted on that thread. Please read it again and start putting the suggestions into practice. Here is the entire thread on withdrawal for both BS’s and FWS’s.

You will also find this thread helpful:
Tools for the Wayward Spouse.

Blessings,
Suzet

Whisper - I am glad you are back! (I never knew you were gone - had not seen your posts)
Already you are helping! You helped me! Your response to me was exactly what I needed. That is very important. We will all help each other. I will pray for you. I will pray for all of the women on this post - today.

Look for the miracles, Ladies!

Whisper - Stay strong. Lean on these great people here. As hard as you need to.

Suzet - I'm actually visiting some wonderful friends back in Minneapolis this weekend, so I've not had the chance to read through the threads, but you can bet I'll do that as soon as I get home today!! I was sooo hoping to hear from you. You were one of the biggest inspirations for me all along. I was afraid you may have given up on me (I know I was about to). Thanks for posting! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Found - Yes, I was away too long. I was too ashamed to admit that I was too weak to get away from the A. Now that I finally found the reason and the courage, I will lean on you great people to help me through it. The odd thing is that withdrawal this time around hasn't been as bad (not that it's easy either). Perhaps it's because I'm 3 states away, perhaps it's because I finally woke up from my 1 1/2-year nightmare, or perhaps it's because I'm so stubborn that when I set my mind on something, I'll do anything to make it work. I'm sure it's a combo of all 3. Anyway, thanks for your words of encouragement. I'm sure I'll need it just that much more when I get back home - to the old surroundings and memories.

~ W

Stubborn - boy does that sound familair!

Two very stubborn people make for a long, painful event.

Glad your are back.

Whisper, I certainly haven’t give up on you on any stage my friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I just don’t read, lurk and post here as much as I used to… For me I think it’s all part of moving forward and leave the past more & more behind. But I still feel I can help and/or advice others with what I’ve learned from my past experience (and what I've learned on these boards) where I can, and that’s why I still hang around. Anyway, I will look out for your posts and help & support where I can!

I understand how difficult it is to break such an ‘addiction’ (remember, I’ve been there myself), but I know you would come around sooner or later and finally get the strength and courage to do it and stick with it. I feel proud of you and you can also feel proud of yourself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Blessings and take care,
Suzet

Hi Whisper,

I’m a FWW. My H and I are 2 years and 10 months past d-day.

Getting through withdrawal will be hard, but I just want to remind you that you and your H will BOTH be on a roller coaster. No matter how supportive and loving he wants to be – he more than likely will have times when recovery feels too hard for him, times when he feels more angry than he knew he was, times when he is filled with doubt about whether he wants to continue. (In particular, there seems to be a rather predictable 6-month crash for a BS, which is mentioned on the board frequently.)

What I learned the hard way is that to be able to get through withdrawal and recover (not only the M, but our own integrity), we have to decide to maintain NC with FOM, NO MATTER HOW OUR BS’S ACT, OR WHAT THE STATE OF THE M IS AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT.

In other words, there could (will?) be times when your H is mad or feeling like giving up, and may not be able (or willing) to fill your needs. You will be tempted to reach for the old, familiar “comfort” of FOM, either out of spite or desperation. Be prepared for those moments, recognize them, remind yourself that you have determined to regain your integrity, and that C with FOM is wrong, no matter what.

Also, something else I was stubbornly slow to realize is that my H’s feelings about my A and the importance of NC with FOM were WAY MORE important than my feelings about those things. Our H’s don’t have to take us back, and no one would blame them if they didn’t. We have to get out of selfish mode and consider their feelings often. We have to be willing to step back and look at things from our H’s perspective.

God bless. Hang in there through the ups and downs!

Rose

Rose55 a [color:"red"] *wonderful*[/color] post!

Thanks !

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Anytime Pep!

Believe me, I learned everything I know the hard way!

God bless.

Rose