Cruz,

How are you doing? Glad to hear that things are going a little better for you. Are you actually seeing REAL progress? Sorry if I am cynical about that...I have given the hard look at what my now-STBXW has done with regard to "progress" and none of it was marked by real action. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Like my previous post indicated, when STBXW said "I am sorry for hurting you", but wouldn't say "I am sorry/regret the A's"...the light went on. My LB went to near-zero...hence the Plan B/NC.

I am not at all convinced that is is capable of doing the hard work to save the M...she lives for the moment and if the "moment" involves emotionally hard, unpleasant work, she runs for the hills.

- She could have CHOSEN NOT to have the A's, but that would have been emotionally hard and unpleasant.

- She could have chosen to work on our M, but that would have been emotionally hard and unpleasant.

- She could have chosen to REALLY stop drinking, but that would have been emotionally hard and unpleasant.

See what I mean?

Right now life REALLY sucks...I am in mourning for the loss of the marriage I thought we had. It wasn't real though...she repeatedly cheated, was planning to cheat (as late as last week!) and shows no real remorse/regret for doing it.

The insidious part of her evil conduct is that she is SO sweet about it...she cries, has guilt and so on, but REFUSES to get off the F!@#king fence and choose between a sleazy life of ONS's or a faithful married life with me...a husband she acknowledges loves her and treats her WELL!!! Now she has her emotional "out"...It's my fault...I ended the M...not HER!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Her judgement has jumped the rails of rational thought...I am letting go...I will not be dragged. SHe's gonna hit bottom eventually. My money is betting that she's drinking again...only a matter of time.

I just got off the phone with a law firm and I'll be initiating a Separation Agreement (SA). What this does is reduce the requirement of living apart from one year to 6 months. With her not coming back to my area (so far), I want to close this chapter as quickly as possible and get on with MY life.

With the SA in place, I can file in October and I think (I'll know more on Friday) we'll be divorced by January 06 instead of July 06...nine months after D-Day.

That extra six months of limbo is something I am NOT interested in doing at this point.

I will miss the life I thought we had...I really will <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

I will NOT miss the reality of our life and who my STBXW really is.

Good to hear from you...I hope you have better luck than I am at this point.

Take care my friend,

WNB

Just a few things to think about...

- Post D-Day, she never even attempted to get out of the one year assignment to try and save our M. That makes me question the value of our M to her.

- With the clock ticking toward her Sept 05 departure, she hasn't made any REAL (as seen by action, not words) effort to help save the M. She is in IC to get herself straight, but has not said she wants to bring her "better self" to the M...if that makes sense?

I have been Plan A'ing since 11 March (11 weeks), to no real avail...it makes her feel more guilty. She still says that being around me can bring the guilt to the surface.

- She tells me that she is sorry for hurting me, but can't say she is sorry/regrets the A's...BIG red flag for me.

- She has already shown she won't stop drinking (see above)...fast forward to Sept 05...she will be in a place where excessive drinking is sport and infidelity is common. She has done nothing, to this point, to show that she will change her behavior (multiple drunken A's)
Okay, so far, these are the kind of actions almost every single ws takes.

- I really do appreciate that you are trying to help our M, but I cannot even think WHY I would NOT want to actively pursue divorce if she has made NO committment to the M before she leaves in Sept.
Do you want to divorce her because she is not trying or do you want to divorce her because you don’t love her?

she is WAY to selfish for that, at this point.
Another thing a ws is very good at. As a matter of fact, selfishness is the very definition of a ws.

- Rebuilding trust is HARD enough without the added burden of a yearlong separation AND a WW who has shown NO REAL effort (action, not words) to work toward saving our M...virtually hopeless IMHO.
As I wrote previously, even if you are/were to decide you are simply going to divorce, Plan B is a very good way to go (before actually filing). When doing Plan B, you are not “required” to reconcile or even attempt it.

Therefore I cannot Plan B while she is gone...no REAL (action-based) committment from her to our M before she leaves and I will be pursuing divorce.
Plan B has (almost) nothing to do with her. It has everything to do with you.

I hope I laid out my reasoning in a logical fashion...
Yeah, it is logical.
But it seems as if you do not know (or are not considering) how/what a ws is thinking (or not thinking) when in an affair.
It messes their logic/thinking up bad.

I’m not suggesting you should stay married or divorce.
MB principles, Plan A & B are not simply stuff that Dr Harley “made up” out of thin air. He put some logical thought into it, lots of psychology and worked with people to develop it all..

I really understand what you have written, but how will the Plan A/Plan B principles apply if we are 7500 miles apart for one year and then 2500 miles apart after that?

I know that WS's aren't the most logical creatures, but with WW/STBXW no active in an affair (that I am reasonabley sure of), expressing negativity the ENTIRE time since D-Day. SHe's in a "fog" of a differnt nature. She is scared she can't change, not accounting for the fact that its up to HER!

She has made no real attempt to rebuild trust, although she has earned a SMALL bit of it back...LONG story.

BUT, she has NOT ever wanted to end the M except when things get REALLY emotional. She just talks about it.

I will not live through her tour, wondering every day if she is drunkenly violating our vows. Plan B is a reasonable option, but with her surely ending up somewhere across the country from me, I don't want to move where she is going without a reasonable chance of success of saving OUR M.

I have been Plan A'ing for 2 12/ months and she still is not aorry/regretful for the A's.

Were our roles reversed...how would you handle this?

I have to run right now, you have me confused but thinking...please keep posting.

WNB

how will the Plan A/Plan B principles apply if we are 7500 miles apart for one year
Plan B is no contact, so it would be pretty darn easy.

and then 2500 miles apart after that?
I’d give it a few months after she comes back, see what she actually wants/does (as far as getting back together or not) and make a decision then.

I will not live through her tour, wondering every day if she is drunkenly violating our vows.
Which is why you do Plan B. It removes you completely from the situation. You do not dwell on what she is/isn’t doing.
But you are still married and express this in the Plan B letter, so no dating.

Plan B is a reasonable option, but with her surely ending up somewhere across the country from me, I don't want to move where she is going without a reasonable chance of success of saving OUR M.
Nor would I expect you to move across the country (or anywhere really) to be with her, at least in the short term. You would have lots of reconnection to do.
See what her mindset is when she gets back.

I have been Plan A'ing for 2 12/ months and she still is not aorry/regretful for the A's.
Again, straight from the ws handbook.

Were our roles reversed...how would you handle this?
I’d Plan A for a few more months and go to Plan B until she got back stateside.
Then I’d look at everything and make another decision.

Any timeframes which you decide on, do NOT let her know what they are.

I went and talked to her ...broke NC with no regrets.

It's over...

She admitted to trying to push me away ever since she moved out in April because she didn't have the fortitude to do so. She admitted telling me that she didn't regret the A's, just to get the reaction she did...that she really did regret them AND hurting me.

She admitted to some serious personality disorders that driven her behavior and that her and IC have acknowledged they exist. She admits to having a LOT of work to do on herself and will to continue with IC until she leaves. I think she has a good one...her IC.

ANyway, she, for reasons unknown, She WANTS to be by herself...no kids, no husband...SHe admitted to not being strong enough to try to get out of the assignment. I told her that while she is getting help and learning about herself that being a drunken ho'bag is not something she needs to be doing...that I cared a LOT about her and that she deserves better than to be used by men. She actually said she didn't want it either, but didn't want to go through this infidelity nighmare again...I agreed. She is scared of another affair until she can get stronger metally, I think

Bottom line is that she just wants to be HER...not Mom, not wife. IC will help her get to the root of all that...I hope. Her sister had said that she was talking like this years ago...I wish I had know that then.

I am not attributing the "WS fog" to her words...she's in IC, not in denial. She has acknowledged real problems with HERSELF and is seeking help, but wants the solitude to figure all of this out.

All of this was a tear-filled emotional discussion, so I think I believe what she is saying.

We are still D'ing...no anger, just sadness. She kept telling me what great husband I am and that she looked back and didn't know why she couldn't reciprocate with the LB deposits like I made for her...many intertwined issues

We're going to get the paperwork done and we should be single again by Nov - Dec. There is no changing her mind and I accept that.

I will go on with my life after that...she asked that I not wait (I will not), but wanted to know where I would be if she comes out of her issues and wwould like to start over.
I agreed...she'll have my brother's contact information.

I will go on with my life...I will date eventually...I will be looking for a lovely lady with whom to share life.

Should I hear from STBXW if I have that lady in my life (post D) I'll let WW know that the window has closed...end of us.

If I still feel that I MIGHT want explore the possibilities, we can start from there WITH TOTAL AND COMPLETE HONESTY. I will not be "carrying a torch" for her.

I always thought people who D'ed and remained friends were really strange...now I understand.

I'll write more tomorrow

Thaks Chris...if anything, you inspired me to a good closure...

WNB

WNB,

I too am a wayward now betrayed. My affair was in 1999. My wife's Dec 2003 affair led to a separation.

After 3 months of what I thought was a reasonable Plan A, I went into Plan B.

After a pitiful Plan B, I had a conversation with my WW that you pretty much summed up in your last post. So I won't repeat it. Apparently you've just heard it, and though it's come from two different people, a year apart, it's remarkable much of it is (like sez Chris) straight out of a script.

So anyway, we had this discussion, decided to end it and I started dating.

So that went on for a month or so till I realized what a mistake I'd made in giving up so easy.

Things get a little convoluted after that... so I'll skip right to the part where I tell you that right now, in the emotional state you are in, you probably shouldn't be making these kinds of decisions.

There's every chance they will turn around and bite you right in the [censored].

Now is the time to be a lighthouse. Steady. Stable. Patient. Strong.

It hurts. It sucks. It's lonely.

But in the end, it's worth it either way. If you reach a point where reconciliation is being considered, you will have proven yourself to her beyond measure, and given her a standard to live up to. If you don't reach recovery, you will have proven yourself to yourself, which is arguably even more important.

I'm just saying.

I've been there. Made the wrong decision. Regret it like crazy now.

John

Now you have me curious Dewt...did you and XW ever get back together?

I don't know what to say...I do feel like I gave up, but I have really done a lot to SHOW her that we HAVE a good marriage, but she DOESN'T want that.

Her problems do go back a number of years (her sister has told me things) and she really seems intent on solving them, unlike her 1-2 IC appts 9 years ago.

THe hard part about this is...there is no right answer...I have to figure this out for myself...knowing her and knowing me and knowing the near-term future that will happen.

- She may very well benefit from this time alone AND come back...she may very well benefit from this time alone and NOT want to come back.

- She may very well NEED me to be the "Rock" (not knowing it) while she's gone and come back to me...she may very well STILL want to D, even after a year of me being a "Rock".

To be honest, even with Plan B while she is gone, I do suspect that she will not make it though that tour without any drunken sexual encounter(s)...perhaps she'll learn how debasing it is and stop? Perhaps she'll jump off the road to recovery and be a hosebag over there. I can't deal with either option mentally as, even in PLan B, we'll still be M'ed.

Plan B still ties me to her, but I can't live that nightmare again...she'd still be married to me and, conceivably, still have SF outside of our M. It hurts TOO much to deal with that again...even in Plan B because I would STILL be tied to her...does this make sense?

It's also for my own mental health to let her go...TRULY freeing myself from her AND any of that atrocious behavior that will probably occur...I hope I am wrong. This way, she is on her own and I won't have to deal with that year of wondering EVERY DAY again...

Assuming we reconcile and recover...I would be more apt to accept any SF she may have engaged in as a single D'ed woman, than I would with her being a married woman, even though we were in a PLan B period. The D removes me COMPLETELY from any of her SF activity...I need that. Even with Plan B, she is is still "tied" to me and I can't deal with ANY SF on her part while were M'ed, even in PLan B. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> I know Plan B is as NEAR-D as one can get, but we will STILL be M'ed and i will STILL think about her

I still think back to the last time and I KNEW it was happening, but I chose not to listen to my instincts. I was such a fool...

I am rambling, so I will end this post...

THis is so hard...I'll ask her what her IC thinks (about the D)...perhaps she'll share that...I don't know.

THanks so much Chris and Dewt...It's not over until the Fat Lady sings.

WNB

WNB,

Today is the psycho day from heck for me. I have to go to work, come back here load up a trailer and then start moving... so I haven't really got time to write everything that I really want to write.

I have made SO many HUGE mistakes along the way... I swear to you that when I have time I will come back and write and write and write...


We are currently living together, but not officially in recovery. The affair is over, but thanks in a large part to my abysmal choices over the year following the affair the going is pretty rocky.


Of course she doesn't want that. The WS mind is a mess of contradictions. You being a lighthouse and hanging on for her is going to put enormous stress on her. Walking away is much easier. Believing that there's no hope is MUCH easier.

Look, it's not too late to change your mind. I know (believe me I KNOW) how much pain and inner turmoil you are in right now.

I can't say what's right for you.... all I can do is share with you my experience. Which is that when I felt the way you feel now, and made the decisions you're talking about, it turned out to be a colossal mistake.

My 'ex' and I are living together. She is my best friend. I'm pretty sure that if I'd handled things better last year, we would be miles ahead of where we are now.

And ya, even through all this, she's my best friend.

John (who really has to go to work now)

We're going to get the paperwork done and we should be single again by Nov - Dec. There is no changing her mind and I accept that.
One of my concerns is you found out ONLY three months ago.
Nothing in your situation is very different than almost every other I have seen, and that has been more than a few.
Both of you are thinking and saying things that make very good sense, when looked at from where you are at in this.
You shouldn’t try to “change” her mind. Just show her who you are (Plan A).

One of the big things is doing what is right and not having regrets about what you did do. (Plan A/B).
That’s not to say it won’t hurt or you won’t be sad about it all.

So when she says “it’s over”, that may be true. But it’s not (generally) a statement based on real issues, just how she is feeling at the time.

I am not attributing the "WS fog" to her words...she's in IC, not in denial. She has acknowledged real problems with HERSELF and is seeking help, but wants the solitude to figure all of this out.
The “fog” doesn’t make their statements any less real. It does however, make their thoughts “fogged”, meaning they don’t really understand the whys of their decisions.
My ex told me a week after d-day, she would NOT leave her children & would NOT move the across the country. She also told me she would NOT leave me for another man.
I believed her & I think she really believed it also.
Three weeks later, she did just that.

All of this was a tear-filled emotional discussion, so I think I believe what she is saying.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, yada, yada…

Again, I’m not saying you should divorce or not. Just that you should take your time about it and make sure it is what you want.
Don’t divorce because you think it won’t work or she says “I’m done”.
I believe you should divorce for one reason – you no longer want to be married to this person.

It's not over until the Fat Lady sings.
My advice is don't be the fat lady until you feel like singing.

Chris,

The bigger elephant in the room is her drinking...while she has professed to stop drinking (and didn't), she is not going to be able to emotionally deal with anything until it stops.

Just to catch you up, WW/STBXW has a history of drinking during emotionally troubled times...drinking is what got her "foot in the door" regarding the A's which she gave up any resistance (if there ever was any)to doing what she wanted.

She is e-mailing me a "list" of her issues that she has to work on...I am hoping that alcohol abstention is one of them. At some point, I desire to talk (face to face) with her about this "list" she is sending me...more to follow on that.

There are so MANY things to deal with.

- I don't WANT a divorce, but I don't WANT to leave myself open to learning that, while I was Plan B'ing (still married to me) her while remote, she had more affair(s)...that will kill ANY desire for me to reconcile.

Applying the "Radical Honesty" principle, she would have to (and she probably would) tell me about any A's during reconciliation and it is a deal-breaker for me.

D'ing has its appeal because I just can't deal with that again! I just can't!!!

I am so f!@#ing confused!

I am battling my love for WW/STBXW, my current lack of trust of her and my need for emotional self-preservation.

Thanks again Chris/Dewt...

[email]D@mn...this[/email] is SO hard! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

WNB

CHris,

[color:"red"]Quote: I believe you should divorce for one reason – you no longer want to be married to this person. [/color]

I THINK that, if asked, WW/STBXW would say that she doesn't want to be married...the issue there is if her issue is with being MARRIED or if it with being married to ME!

If/when her and I talk, I'll ask that questions.

WNB

I THINK that, if asked, WW/STBXW would say that she doesn't want to be married
You don't let a little kid jump in the pool if they don't know how to swim, even if that is what they want to do.

It's not that you should divorce her because she doesn't want to be married to you.
If she doesn't want to be married to you, let her divorce you.
If you want to be married to her (or are not sure), then fight the divorce.

Also, as Steve Harley told me, do NOT discuss divorce (or even bring it up) unless you want one.

Chris et al,

How is it that you guys can have me rethinking "the unthinkable" (D) by making me use my head...not my dopey high/low emotions? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

There is just SO much information to process...I found a CD yesterday with two MPEG's that WW had sent me while she was remote to A-ville...she had a friend (female) who showed herself on the MPEG and WW said "See, "Janey" is a woman!", and proceeded to assure that my jealousy was unfounded. But I know now my (now proven true) insecurities were spot on.

Needless to say, I erased both of them...it was painful seeing her, knowing that at THAT time, she was probably engaged with MM#2 or MM#3. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Another minor "low" on the E-Coaster!

Anyway...enough of the "woe is me" and back to the work at hand...some signs are there that she DOESN'T want to D, but I THINK the only real reason that she wants to is because SHE is scared she'll do it again. I do believe that, if/when she gains that personal strength, she would call me if we did D.

She wants to remain in contact while she is over there...she doesn's SEEM to want to lose me, but then she wants a D...hmmm <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I am leaning toward making her do the "unmentionable (D), work...I will not be asking her about it again.

I offered to take her to breakfast Sunday and we'll see if she takes me up on it.

The "long pole in the tent" is this...IF I Plan B while she is over there and we BEGIN to recover. Part of that recovery is PORH. I am quite certain, that I will not be able to handle much, if any, A behavior that she confesses.

Am I simply postponing the inevitable by not D'ing or am I not giving her enough credit that, through IC in the next three months, she may very well gain personal strength and make it through the year with her integrity intact?

What to do about trust? Like I have said, she has regained a modicum of trust as I have had cause to doubt her since D-Day that turned out unfounded. I trusted her entirely prior to that. How much "credit" does a WS get for prior trust built?

As an aside, I did find out that my IC has an XWH...possibly coloring her view of WW? I am puzzled by why she told me that. I won't see her again until the 13th, so I have to think about if I want a new IC.

This board has been a true lifesaver and, hopefully, an Marriage-saver.

I have thought about this a fair bit since D-Day and I do feel that I can REALLY put the A's behind me (not that there won't be bumps in the Recovery road)...I just need to KNOW that she has REALLY worked and changed enough to drop the chances of future A's to MUCH smaller numbers.

I now know the POSSIBILITY of A's is always there for EVERYONE...atheists, preachers, teachers, MC's, Dr's,...everyone.

Thanks...

WNB

Wait a minute, you've given your W your Plan B letter, and you want to contact her? The only times you break NC [no contact] are if one of the following conditions are met:

1. She agrees with the conditions needed to save/rebuild the marriage.

2. She, You or both file for divorce.

Without question only you know exactly what's happening in your situation but I would advise you to think twice before you break the NC in Plan B, for it may end up doing more harm than good.

TMCM

TMCM,

Thanks for keeping me honest..I will explain why I have done it

This does truly seem like a mess, but I am fairly sure I went to Plan B/NC based on emotion and not on BIG picture reality. WW has been giving me conflicting info all along and I MAY have chosen to act on one bit of unpleasant info (that she has since retracted) and not giving credence to the positive signs (she has never actively pursued D and other things).

I am also unsure of my motives for doing so...Lately, I have really just wanted ALL of this to be over and I may have caved to my weaker impulses.

I did it when she told me she did not regret the A's. Chris and dewt got me think that PERHAPS I acted prematurely...there is still three months to work on the M and I MAY have gone into prematurely.

That left me a choice...break NC or not break NC...I HAD to CAUTIOUSLY err on the side of the M.

I called her and we talked...WW said what she did and acted the way she did two weeks ago because she has nto had the courage to do the deed (actively pursue D). She wanted to be by HERSELF and be WW, not wife, not Mom...just WW.

If the D is what she REALLY wanted...why wasn't she able to act, on HER own, to make it happen so she could just BE WW....not wife, not Mom?

She's got a lot of confused and conflicted things running through her ehad at this point.

Believe you me...my guard is UP! We may be talking this weekend and my MAIN point of contention will be her drinking...with regard to what she is DOING and how her IC has addressed that issue with her.

Not that it matters TOO much, but she e-mailed me (after we talked) and wants to share with me what she views as her "workable issues".

Other than the A's, there are NO issues in our marriage...it was a good one by our own admission. Other people were SHOCKED to find out that we are in the throes of marital discourse. We all have known couples that, when you watch them interact, you know they are having troubles. That wasn't us...and I have been told that.

Not to lessen the magnitude of issues that WW and (to a lesser extent) I have to deal with.

- Her drinking and sense of entitlement are being driven by some unknown "demon".

- SHe is STILL seeking IC help...I feel that, as long as she is ACKNOWLEDGING her (self-admitted) "serious personality issues" AND ceasing ANY drinking AND NOT seeking nor HAVING A's...I have to err on the side of the M becaue it WAS good, up until D-Day. Were it on shaky legs,I would have been gone a LONG time ago, but its hard to give up on one yuo had SUCH a good life with, although now see with COMPLETE honesty, she tarnished it a good bit.

This is by no means the end, but as with most couples going through this, there are fits and starts. THis may still come crashing down at a later date, but I HAVE to know I did ALL I could.

Every day is a new day...

Thanks TMCM...I hope that makes sense...drag out the 2x4 if you think its needed.

WNB

My brother sent me this...it surely applies to ANYONE in the nightmare of infidelity.

[color:"purple"] Think, don't "feel." Always ask yourself, "How can I use this information to improve my situation?" Never ask yourself, "How does this information make me feel?"

Those who are enslaved by their emotions and "feelings" are perpetual losers. They are universally regarded as weaklings, and are thus consistently selected for victimization.

They only care about "feeling good," and they are deathly afraid of "feeling bad." They therefore always act exclusively according to that interest.

At every turn of a card, you have a choice. You can deal with the new information rationally and use it logically to plan your next move, or, like the British in Africa, you can "feel" your way to calamity.

You have a choice: You can use the information to improve your play, or you can use it to alter your mood. You can think your way to victory, or you can wallow in a fantasyland where everything that makes you feel bad is displayed on an imaginary scoreboard, labeled "How I feel right now!"

"Feeling good about yourself" is something which must be earned; earned over the long haul. Instant "good feelings" are fleeting. If you chase them, the way an addict chases his next fix, you're blunder into one disaster after another.

Runaway emotions are like fire. If you don't put it out, it will burn itself out![/color]

WNB,

Don't worry, no 2x4's from moi.

Your brother seems to be a wise man as demonstrated when he chose to send you that article.

One of the things I try to convey to many fellow BS is that they are NOT inmates and that their M [marriage] is NOT a prison. But they allow their emotions make them FEEL that they are. They forget that another reason to fight to save/rebuild their marriages is NOT only to regain their WS back, but that in the case that they are unable to do so, they will be able to move on with their lives without having any doubts about the decision to divorce and have those doubts follow them after the divorce. Plan A/Plan B will help you no matter what the final fate of your marriage is. If a BS choses to follow Plan A/Plan B is because he/she is exercising his free will something that no inmate has or ever will have.

TMCM

I made a mistake with a premature Plan B/NC. That being said, that mistake showed me that I DO have the resolve to end this M IF I cannot stay because of her conduct and/or lack of resolve.

WW said something...it made me "feel" very bad...I acted on that "feeling" and did something to make me "feel" better. Not a good way to make decisions!

Make no mistake..I fully understand that the cards I am playing don't look good most of the time, but I must PLAY the cards I have with careful THOUGHT, not the knee-jerk reaction that tends to drive people during these very trying times...

Regardless of the outcome, I am a better (but slightly more scarred) man than I was before D-Day...I know this.

Whether or not WW will be a "better" woman with me remains to be determined based on FACTS and ACTIONS not willy-nilly emotions or wishful thinking.

As always, I really appreciate you posts...

WNB

Bump for effect...

Nothing really significant this weekend...I spent Saturday with a couple that WW and I had spent a good bit of time with...

WW and I had breakfast on Sunday...we WERE supposed to talk R stuff, but as we were telling each other what we did Saturday, she got really choked up...I figured it out after a while and stopped talking about my Saturday. She went home afterward...seemed worn out.

She called Sunday night and apologized for the the way things went and how we didn't have R talk. She said felt a real loss because I was out doing things with my/our friends...she didn't want me to stop or stop talking about things like that, but it was pretty hard for her.

I would never purposely hurt her, but I will not protect her from the consequences of her OWN actions. I will continue being frank and honest with her.

I told her to call whenever she wanted to talk and I'll be fairly dark to her until then.

The thing I wrestle with is being "dark" is good, but it also goes against her need for talking/EN. I know no one here has the answers as thisis a minefield that only I can decide what to do...I think ALL BS's go through this...taking concepts and applying to the variable known as our WS's.

Being out of NC/Plan B is good, as I made that decision in the heat of the moment and WAS NOT THINKING! THanks to my brother, I will not be "reacting", I will be THINKING...(see above if you're cofused about what I am talking about).

I still don't have a good read on if she is drinking or not, but, even being back in contact w/WW, that is a go/no go issue.

Chris and Dewt...at that point I will NOT want to be married to her any longer.

If she is drinking/has no plan NOT to drink when she leaves, she's ASKING for trouble and I am not going to wait/Plan B for that...she will be a train wreck waiting to happen.

Plan B would normally be a good course of action while she is gone, but my own sanity cannot tolerate that. I would STILL be M'ed...she would STILL be drinking and (more than likely) having A's, which I would have to deal with if she came back and wanted to reconcile. I cannot tolerate that mentally...SF with ANYONE is the BIG DEAL BREAKER FOR ME! That ENDS IT ALL...Plan B or not.

If she doesn't want to reconcile afterwards, I will have spent a year of my life in limbo, chasing the ghost of our possibly former M and delaying the start of my life alone. "My life alone" meaning dating, possible SF (kinda important to me) and intimacy...I cannot handle that...I just can't.

It's bad enough that I had to endure the "RAPE" of infidelity, but to forcibly stall my life for a year is something I cannot do...

How she handles the issue of her drinking will be a REAL indicator that IC isn't helping...as the FIRST step to dealing with personality issues like her is to STOP drinking.

I will let go...I will nto be dragged.

WNB

I would STILL be M'ed...she would STILL be drinking and (more than likely) having A's, which I would have to deal with if she came back and wanted to reconcile. I cannot tolerate that mentally...SF with ANYONE is the BIG DEAL BREAKER FOR ME!
So what if you get divorced and she comes back and wants to reconcile? (this is more of a rhetorical question than something you need to answer)

That ENDS IT ALL...Plan B or not.
Again, you can PLan B & divorce. It does not require reconciliation or even the hope of reconciliation.

Have you considered calling Steve Harley? I recommend it.