I am sorry to report that I have given my WW an NC/Plan B letter.

The last few days have been tough...

THe fact of her committing EVERY sexual act with one of the WW that her and I did...

The fact that I was taking care of HER child while she was doing these things...

The fact she was planning an affiar in March and ACTIVELY tried to get into another one a WEEK AGO!!!

The coup de grace was this...we were talking on the phone and she was apologizing for hurting me and I asked her if she was sorry that she committed the A's...PREGNANT PAUSE...SHE DIDN"T ANSWER YES...NOTHING BUT DEAD AIR ON THE PHONE!!!

I hung up on her...

I called back in a few minutes and explained to her what that meant to me and how much that hurt. She tried to waffle around her ABSENCE of sorrow/regret for her A's, (but she's sorry she hurt me ...BIG F!@#KING DEAL!!!)

I knew, at that point, my LB was near empty, so I printed the below letter and hand delivered it with a a comment "I am really sorry about this".

She has also already broken her "no drinking" pledge...had a beer with her sleazy friend...she's honest...I have to give her that, but there reaches a point when a BS also needs to see a GLIMMER of hope that the WS wants the M and will work at it. I haven't seen anything AND she is going BACK to the Land of Infidelity in three months. I cannot live while worrying if she caved to her "demons", got drunk and F!@#ked someone else while she's gone.

I am relieved and sad as it will be hard, but I MUST do it and I WILL do it!

My money is on her never contacting me again...I'll file for D in Oct, send her a bill for 1/2 of the cost (including a name change...don't want her soiling MY name with her sh!tty antics)

One person can only do so much to save an M.

WNB

[color:"red"]Dearest WW,

I have dreaded the day that I would be forced to hand you this letter, so please understand that giving you this letter is the hardest thing I have ever done...

From the moment I first saw you, you have been the REAL love of my life…I love you to no end and my commitment to you and our marriage is strong. Just seeing STILL made my heart flutter…even after 9 years. To this day, the smell of your hair is something that always makes me smile. You are a vibrant, funny and beautiful woman who genuinely cares for other and gives generously of her time helping people. I have learned much from you about being kind and what it means to be a GOOD person.

I regret that we find ourselves in this place that is lonely and confusing for both of us. I do apologize for any of my overbearing behavior that may have made you feel like you didn’t have a say in joint decisions. I will be working on that part of my personality. It’s taken me a while to actually believe this, but I had nothing to do with your choices to have those affairs, but it doesn’t make it any less painful.

I have done much introspection over the last three months and believe I have found the tools we need to make a marriage in which we are a trusting, loving and supportive of each other. I have really tried to show you that I am a GOOD husband and a healthy person to be with in a marriage. Some of these you have noticed, some you have not. Some you may never know. I must continue with my changes and have demonstrated to myself that it’s possible and they are permanent. I still have my issues to work through, but with every success I have, my hope for MY future brightens and my confidence in my ability to make positive changes is bolstered. My hope is that I will be able to share this bright new future with you.

In order to preserve the love I still have left for you and to stop my bitterness from overwhelming me, I must completely remove you from my daily life. I cannot and will not visit with you, speak with you on the phone, email, or correspond via mail. I must also give myself a fresh start in a happy, positive environment. This is not a punishment. This is a safeguard of my love so that if there should come a time when we can both commit to working on rebuilding our marriage, there is still love and hope left with which to do that.

If you must contact me regarding emergency, financial or legal matters, you may e-mail me. I expect our current financial arrangements to stay the same. You can mail any checks for your remaining $550 Best Buy bill share to my mailing address with no notes or other communication enclosed with the checks.

WW, I have the greatest of confidence that we could build a wonderful marriage if we both committed to making it happen. I have learned so much these last 2 1/2 months and would like nothing better than to share it with you. Should there come a time when you feel you could commit to building a new marriage with me, it is something that I would like to discuss with you. Until then, I ask that you respect my wish for no contact with you.

We were best friends once. I cannot imagine who I would rather spend my life with than my best friend.

I Have Always Loved You,

WH
[/color]

It's the morning after...and I don't regret a thing. It's a good decision if its been slept on and still makes sense the next day.

Got 5 hours of sleep and have not regretted my decision. There were just TOO many factors going against me:

1. Her lack of regret sorrow for HAVING the A's even 2 1/2 months after the affairs.

2. WW said she wasn't sure, even if we D, that she would not F!@#k married men anymore.

3. She never even tried to work on the M...her self-centered nature would not permit her to see the hurt she inflicted and try and right them.

4. She drank alcohol again...one beer, but it was ANOTHER promise (like marital vows) that are easily ignored when inconvenient.

She is a coward...she'll run with her tail between her legs. IF (REAL big IF) she wants to commit to the M, she has A LOT to do to convince me that she has REALLY changed! No coupons for admission back into my life...

WW WILL take her maiden name back...I guarantee that.

WNB

Sorry that you had to do this. I hope that your actions will jolt her back into reality.

I don't know that it will...she would have to expend a LOT of emotional energy and I don't think she is capable of it...she is TOO self-centered.

I was SO blind when I married her...I have learned the hard way, I am sorry to say.

WNB

Who knows though - you have done your part and now are protecting yourself which is good. To quote the famous words of bOb Pure, it's time for her to "Sh$t or get off the pot".

Although I am very sorry that it has gotten to this point for you I agree with Chackler, it is time for her to face the consequences.

And I do like your letter. I thought it was very well done, for what that is worth.

Holiday weekends can be so very hard for people going through this and I sure am sorry. But I think it is probably the most positive thing you can do now for all concerned.

She will take a fall, or not. But this is a chance that must be taken before all is lost. And so that your life can go on with hope and happiness.

Today is a rough day...I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss talking to her and looking forward to seeing her, but the thoughts of re-inserting that "fishhook" is REALLY unappealing.

However, her inability to keep her "no booze" promise for even a week, PLUS the audacity to say " I am sorry for hurting you", but not be able to say "I am sorry/I regret having the A's" is what keeps me from even getting close to contacting her.

It's only been 36 hours, but the more I think about this, the more convinced I am that she will not contact me.

The reason...I gave her an emotional "out". "I" was the one who "ended the M", even though my letter says that IF she wants to work on it I would like to discuss it with her.

Before the $h!t hit the fan on Saturday, she had even alluded to it (talking with IC about why she was trying to "push" me to end the M) inasmuch by her drunken attempt at ANOTHER A with a former subordinate...isn't that a picture of stability?

Our IC's are at the same office and I gave my IC permission to talk to her IC about me. With any luck, her IC will get BOTH sides of the story and, PERHAPS, can get her head on straight in the next three months.

I am holding almost NO hope for it...even IF things begin to improve, her burden is a BIG one. Fr all she HAS NOT done to try to save our M (not even attempting to cancel the remote, not even trying to get assigned back here after to work on our M), to expect such a HUGE turnaround is unrealistic...

Making it...one day at a time...

WNB

Bump for effect! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thoughts would be appreciated...not that they will change my mind! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The couple that WW and I did "couple" things with are now aware of WW's "shortcomings"...they couldn't believe that someone who had it SO together on duty, could jump the rails SO bad in her personal life...I haven't figured it out either.

WW's behavior ALMOST makes me think she is in an A now, but I have "frisked" her cell a few times...no odd numbers and her Jeep is usually in front of her apartment...it's almost as if she is in the "fog"...perhaps she is not wanting to give up the feeling of the "chase" by reconciling and STOPPING her atrocious behavior? FWW's...any ideas?

I don't know, but it will probably not be my business in 5 months because I think I'll be filing for D...she's a coward at heart...no courage to do the right thing when the WRONG thing is SO much FUN!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

My IC appt should be interesting tomorrow...I thik IC has really been trying to distance me from WW especially since IC discovered WW's alcohol problem.

Bottom line...I deserve better!

WNB

Thanks Weaver...I was REALLY concentrating on the Plan A, fending off the urge to dump her cheating @$$. I was doing well at it...WW even said that I was so good to her, even after all that she had done to me.

But when she wouldn't (no such thing as "couldn't"...she had a CHOICE) say she was sorry/had regrets for having the A's, I KNEW...That was IT!!!!! Time for her to pick up the slack or we'll be D'ed...I am convinced she doesn't have the guts to do it...barring an unforeseen MIRACLE!

Plan B/NC...I had lived through ENOUGH of her difficulties and it is time for her to see the REAL result of her vile conduct.

Our "couple Friends" told me a story...the H caught his first W having an A and dumped her...his WW married someone else and she got dumped by H #2. Then she killed herself by drug overdose! Ouch!!!

Infidelity is really a cancer on humanity...

WNB

WNB,

Please don't let resentment and bitterness take root in your heart otherwise there won't be any room for love. Beleive me, as a fellow BS I know how easy it is to become resentful and bitter, but I also know that in the end the only one harmed by those two is oneself. No matter what happens to your marriage, for your own emotional wellbeing fight those two with every ounce of energy you have in your soul. Remember that just like your W is her own worst enemy, YOU can become your own worst enemy as well.

TMCM

TMCM,

Ever since this nightmare of mine started, you have always been of the sage voices that has helped keep me clear of the BIG landmines on which we BS's sometimes step. I always look forward to seeing your replies to my posts...thanks.

THis resentment and bitterness toward PSTBXW is hard to keep at bay...just found the old letters she wrote me while she was remote when the A's occurred. All that "kissy-face" BS now that I KNOW what was REALLY going on...I am not as angry as I thought...I am more sad than anything else.

Part of me wanted to leave them on her doorstep, but NC is a TWO way street and I will honor (unlike PSTBXW) the commitment I have made.

Strangely enough, I am looking (CAREFULLY) forward to beginning life anew when PSTBXW will more than likely be gone and I can SLOWLY begin to look again for the lovely lady who will appreciates what I have to offer.

You have been a big help...I can't thank you (and everyone else who has posted to me) enough!

WNB

This is NO picnic...now that Plan B/NC is in effect, it's like a switch flipped in my head that the M is over and I feel like I am in mourning! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The reason I have this perception that the M is over is my TRUE belief that PSTBXW will not make ANY effort to save the M.

I may be (pleasantly?) suprised, but her past history of running away is not encouraging...I would also suspect that PSTBXW will stop IC, she did the same thing in 1996. However, I have been wrong before.

While there was contact (up until Saturday night), I always believed there was hope, but small things were eroding that hope...

- Broke our marital vows three times while remote...BIG broken promise!!!

- Drunken quasi-proposition of her former subordinate AFTER PSTBXW promised no A's while we were working on the M. Yes I know...nothing happened, but only by the good behavior of her "target".

- Her drinking again after only after 5 days after promising to stop completely for 30 days.

- The oft-mentioned pregnant pause when PSTBXW was asked about is she regretted/was sorry for her A's.

Anyone else see a track record of her broken promises? I sure do!

There reaches a point when a person HAS to be honest with themselves and realize they have done ALL that was possible.

Unless there are some FWW's who can give me a REAL insight on WHY I should REALLY give it one more "go"...I will maintain NC because it's the only healthy thing I can do for me.

I will not be dragged into another D-Day...WAY too painful.

I won't lie...I miss her terribly. But I also refuse to be treated terribly, so the lesser of two evils is the loneliness that comes from NC. I am sure it will lessen as time passes.

I must be strong and I will be strong...

WNB

Ouch...today is REALLY rough.

I keep catching myself trying rationalize a "good" reason to break the PB/NC...stupid mind games!

THis is so F!@#ing hard...I feel like I gave up, but then when I re-visit why I gave PSTBXW the letter, it STILL makes sense!!!

Thank God I have an IC appt in 2 hours

Am I the only one to go through this or is the PB/NC "withdrawal" part of the process? WIll it taper off after a while?

I am back to not sleeping at night...Ambien, here I come!!

THanks for reading,

WNB

I totally appreciate your stance on the booze.

Your Plan B letter was very good.

Be good to yourself right now.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

D-Day via anonymous e-mail: 11 March 2005

I'll file for D in Oct
Why so soon?

WW and I: WH and WW - 1996
WW and I: M - 1997
WW: A x3 1999 - 2000
I don't get this (from your sig line).
She had an affair with you while she was previously married in '96?
Then you got married in '97?
She had 3 affairs in '99-2000?

WW WILL take her maiden name back...I guarantee that.
That is entirely up to her.

I will not be dragged into another D-Day
??? How would you stop from finding out about another affair (if she had one)?
If she had one & told you, that would be another d-day...

Why Oct?---STBXW is leaving for a year-long remote at the end of AUgust. My state has a 6 month separate domicile requirement before D...Oct is the soonest I can file. STBXW has three months for a"miraculous" turn-around and I am HIGHLY skeptical she is capable of that.

Here's the thread that explains the convoluted mess I have made of my life.....I was known as IFeelViolated until my acct got screwed.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Let's just say that I suspect she'll want her maiden name back...

I guess I meant I don't want to live through another D-Day. Removing this politely unrepentant woman from my life at least gives me the chance to find a FAITHFUL woman.

Getting back to her imminent departure, she's heading to the Land of Booze and Cheaters...she has given NO indication that ANY positive changes have taken place and will prevent her from behaving the same way she did in 1999 - 2000.

At least if/when she picks up an STD, I won't exposed to that possibility this time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I am beginning to wonder if I would even want to work on the M if she wanted to...I would need a HUGE (undetermined) show of committment before I would even entertain thoughts of having her back in my life.

I am REALLY trying not to let this bitterness overwhelm me...it's hard. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

WNB

If he's military, he can have it put on hold until he is able to get back to the states under the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act.

I am beginning to wonder if I would even want to work on the M if she wanted to...I would need a HUGE (undetermined) show of committment before I would even entertain thoughts of having her back in my life.

I am REALLY trying not to let this bitterness overwhelm me...it's hard.
Which is the main reason for doing Plan A for 6 months and then Plan B for two years.
You won't have to wonder if you want to be married or not.
Even if you are/were to decide you are simply going to divorce, Plan B is a very good way to go (before filing).

I think of you post a lot during the day...I don't want to turn into a misogynist...

Thanks again...

Chris - CA123,

The Cliff Notes of this are thus:

- D-Day: March 05...STBXW had already volunteered (Report date NLT Sep 05) to go back to the "scene of the crime" PRIOR to D-Day...mutual decision...trying to get assigned to where her sick father lives...had exhausted all other options.

- Post D-Day, she never even attempted to get out of the one year assignment to try and save our M. That makes me question the value of our M to her.

- With the clock ticking toward her Sept 05 departure, she hasn't made any REAL (as seen by action, not words) effort to help save the M. She is in IC to get herself straight, but has not said she wants to bring her "better self" to the M...if that makes sense?

I have been Plan A'ing since 11 March (11 weeks), to no real avail...it makes her feel more guilty. She still says that being around me can bring the guilt to the surface.

- She tells me that she is sorry for hurting me, but can't say she is sorry/regrets the A's...BIG red flag for me.

- She has already shown she won't stop drinking (see above)...fast forward to Sept 05...she will be in a place where excessive drinking is sport and infidelity is common. She has done nothing, to this point, to show that she will change her behavior (multiple drunken A's)

- I really do appreciate that you are trying to help our M, but I cannot even think WHY I would NOT want to actively pursue divorce if she has made NO committment to the M before she leaves in Sept.

I lived in that HELL (thinking she was having A's the first time she was gone...then finding out it was TRUE!) and I don't have the emotional strength to do it again without a REAL committment from her, which is tellingly absent.

- She will NOT (as far as I know) be coming back to my area after her assignment, making reconciliation virtually impossible. She could CONCEIVABLY try to come back here (aciton to save the M...a positive thing IMHO), but I highly doubt that she is capable of making that sacrifice for our M...she is WAY to selfish for that, at this point.

- I have way too much respect for myself than to be the husband who would conceivably take her back after her tour AND uncounted sexual encounters (not to minimize the potential for STD exposure) while she will be over there.

- Rebuilding trust is HARD enough without the added burden of a yearlong separation AND a WW who has shown NO REAL effort (action, not words) to work toward saving our M...virtually hopeless IMHO. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Therefore I cannot Plan B while she is gone...no REAL (action-based) committment from her to our M before she leaves and I will be pursuing divorce.

I will not be her "Second Fiddle".

I hope I laid out my reasoning in a logical fashion...

Thaks for caring enough to write,

WNB

Hey WNB,

I've not been around much the last few weeks. Just wanted to say how sorry I am that things are working out this way for you.

As always things you say ring so true for me. You said:

"I gave her an emotional "out". "I" was the one who "ended the M",

Man I COMPLETELY understand everything behind that statement. I could write a 10 page dissertation on that one sentence and you would be able to do the summation without ever seeing the body. I think we married the same woman.

There has been just a glimmer of hope for me the past several weeks, but right now I think my chances are 50/50 that I'll take your path in the next several months.

Hang in there my "brother in pain". I'm still clinging to a sinking life raft, but you're "swimming to shore". Keep on strokin'.