Whisper, you are a good person who was cought in a bad situation. Am I condoning your A? No, but at least you left because YOU FELT YOU HAD TO and the OM came along later. That is not the case with my wife, she's already got someone (maybe 2 someones) that she's having some type of relationship with. I'm very angry and hurt right now that she could do this to me AGAIN, and AGAIN she can't just come out and tell me the truth, she has to sugar coat everything and try to justify everything away. It would be so much easier JUST TO HEAR THE TRUTH for once; but I'm not holding my breath.

As for my comment, what I meant was that I DO NOT want to spend the rest of my life with THE PERSON SHE IS RIGHT NOW. However, I know that caring, loving wife and mother is still there somewhere, and that person I would gladly share my life with. But I honestly don't know if I have the energy to go through with this again. It's like every minute of every day I talk myself into just walking the other way and letting her ruin her life on this JACKA$$; let him deal with her and see what she's really like; let him try and manage money with her habbits.... I just don't know... Right now I don't feel like trying, I don't want to hear her voice, I don't want to read her e-mails, I don't want to see her; I'm beginning to almost detest her.

I forgot how fast this emotional roller coaster goes, I feel like my feelings and emotions are changing by the minute...

Sorry it took me a while to respond.

you are a good person who was cought in a bad situation.

I'm starting to learn that I'm not a good or a bad person ... I'm just a human who's made a very poor decision that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I was extremely fortunate to have caring people like Wiegee, TMCM, Suzet, BobPure, etc., who were willing to lend a helping hand, even when I was at my lowest, so I feel compelled to help you through this too. Believe me, if I can be pulled out of that dark hole, so can anyone!!

"I'm very angry and hurt right now that she could do this to me AGAIN, and AGAIN she can't just come out and tell me the truth, she has to sugar coat everything and try to justify everything away."

I know you've heard this before, but all I can tell you is that she's not in her right mind. I was there, not too long ago myself. The best way I can describe is as if I was living in a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. Gives me the creeps just thinking about it. I also know that it's hard for you to understand how she could possibly do this unless you're chin-deep in it yourself. I'm assuming you've read HNHN? I just re-read it last night (now with a new pair of eyes). It's amazing how Harley is so on-target with how an A works. I do believe every WS reacts differently in the A (esp. at different stages of the A), but if she's anything like me, she's tormented by guilt, self-loathing and being in what I call limbo-hell (esp. knowing she's dragged her kids into this thing) that she's easily on the verge of a breakdown. I know I was close several times myself.

"But I honestly don't know if I have the energy to go through with this again. It's like every minute of every day I talk myself into just walking the other way"

Again, this is your call, and (unfortunately) nobody can make this decision but you. I remember how many times I've asked my friends what I should do, and even though they did not condone my A, they still forced me to make my own decision ... b/c they'd support me no matter what and they just want ME to be HAPPY. They also know that unless I'm the one (the only one) who made that decision, I won't commit and stick with it. Well, they were right. I, too, just want you and your kids to be happy and to live a healthy, productive life again. How you feel is the best way to achieve that is the path I encourage you to go, and we'll all support you through it. Promise.

Whisper, thank you for your continued support. It was people like TMCM, Mortarman, Kily and many others who helped me through this last time; this time I've been lucky enough to have been found again by TMCM, MM & you. I found during what I thought was my recovery period (hindsight being 20/20, I'm not sure if "recovery" really ever ends) it helped me to heal by helping others, much in the same way you are helping me now.

I've read HN/HN and have been trying to find it to read again; I know it's somewhere in the house. I have an idea what my wife is going through, but I don't believe she has reached the point of "living a nightmare" yet, I think she's still in that euphoric stage where SHE believes she is doing the right thing. We had many discussions after last time and she shared with me the different stages she went through and what she was feeling / how she was thinking. Last time she was VERY close to a breakdown, but that wasn't until after exposure and OM wouldn't speak to her anymore. To add to her mental anguish she was working 2 jobs to try and scrape up enough money to leave completely. This time she has a good steady job and all of her friends are supporting (and I believe encouraging) her, so I don't see her anywhere near a breakdown; but I could always be wrong.

As I said earlier, we've had several discussions about how we both handled things last time. She has said so many times that I was such a great friend, person and husband for what I did and went through last time; she was so grateful that I would stick by her through all the hell she was putting me through. Maybe in time she will think the same way again, but for right now she definately isn't. I don't know how to help her remember those times, how happy we've been for the past 2 years, how much she loved, cared for and depended on me. I know some of her distance was caused by an accident I had approx. 3 months ago. I had a broken leg and ankle (opposite legs) so I had to depend on her and the kids for literally everything; that period was extremely draining on her as she saw it as "the old me" that would do nothing for myself. Admittedly, I did take advantage of it and stretched it out as long as possible, but I still cannot understand how that little bit of friction could have driven her so far away that she would make the same mistake again...

TM94,

"I don't believe she has reached the point of "living a nightmare" yet ..."

>Believe me, the living nightmare starts Day 1 when she started the A. Or, at least, that was how it was for me, regardless how I tried to justify the A in my head or how much my friends and family supported me or how great my job situation may be. Initially, I would be in the "euphoria" when I was with the OM and in the "living nightmare" when I was alone. That's why I never wanted to be alone when I was in the A. Very soon thereafter, I'd realize I was in the nightmare all the time, even if the OM was there or not - no matter what anybody (including the OM) said or did.

"She has said so many times that I was such a great friend, person and husband for what I did and went through last time; she was so grateful that I would stick by her through all the hell she was putting me through."

>If she really said and believed these things before, these thoughts are haunting her, day and night - regardless of what she's telling you now. Trust me on this one.

"I still cannot understand how that little bit of friction could have driven her so far away that she would make the same mistake again..."

TM, the accident was merely "the last straw" and not the initial trigger. I'm not saying that this is right, but this is just how I, like most women, operate ... we tend to "take" things, thinking that it's our duty as wives to not complain. We then resent without communicating our unhappiness; we start seeing ourselves as victims. Then boom! We're out the door. I never thought this through until our MC explained it, then the light came on. That's why Harley named affection (feeling that we're appreciated and loved) and communication are 2 of our greatest needs.

"I'm not sure if "recovery" really ever ends"

>This statement is so very true. Frankly, I believe if either my H or I get away from a perpetual recovery and forget what happened, that we're susceptible to another A (or a D). I hope we never become laxed again about our M knowing what potentially could happen. It's a very scary proposition.

I hope this help to clarify some things.

Whisper,
"Initially, I would be in the "euphoria" when I was with the OM and in the "living nightmare" when I was alone."

I see this in her also. I'm relatively certian I can tell when OM is around. During the week while she's at work she calls quite often, sends several e-mails a day, etc. But, once she's off work she's a totally different person, her phone calls are short & to the point, almost rude. There's been a few times now when we've been talking on the phone, laughing, joking & having very good conversations; then all of the sudden her mood changes and she has to go. I can only assume that OM shows up, but I could always be wrong.

"...we tend to "take" things, thinking that it's our duty as wives to not complain. We then resent without communicating our unhappiness; we start seeing ourselves as victims. Then boom! We're out the door."

This is exactly how she described it too.

"Frankly, I believe if either my H or I get away from a perpetual recovery and forget what happened, that we're susceptible to another A (or a D). I hope we never become laxed again about our M knowing what potentially could happen. It's a very scary proposition."

You're right, it is very scary, but I think this is exactly what happened to us. We did the counseling thing for a while, I stayed here on MB for a while, then everything seemed to be going so well that we (at least I) felt like everything was just peachy. In retrospect that is probably when things started going downhill again because we quit "working" on our marriage and just settled in to the status quos. I honestly do not know if we will be able to pull ourselves out of this situation this time, but if we do I can only pray that we will not make that same mistake again.

Thank you again for your response, you are helping me more to understand what my wife is going through. Although no 2 people can have the same feelings & thoughts, I believe the closest you can get is a WS. It's almost scary when I read the things you say here because so many are so similar to what my wife said after last time, and I see the same things again. Again, thank you for your time and support, it is appreciated more than you can know!!