Hello all.
A little background. I have been lerking for a long time now, trying to decide what to do. I am a FBS- my H had a year long affair in front of me about 2 years ago. I took him back, mainly for my kids. Since we have been back together things have not even remotely been the same. He talks about the OW alot, and tells me that he gave her up for me, and what a mistake that was- he only says it when he is mad at me and wants to hurt me deeply. SF since we have been back together has been lacking- granted there is SF--- for him, but he does not seem to care any more about ML, just his physical release. No foreplay, NO kissing, nothing. I am feeling very neglected. I see others have been stuggleing with the same, however I have yet to find a way to remedy that situation. I have tried talking with my H about my feelings and he just either gets mad, or says he is doing the best that he can.

here is the problem, I am home alone a lot with my children as my H works evenings, and I am on line, I have befriended this man that is going through an divorce due to his wife's affiar. We have been talking since November, and on the phone since January. I fear that I am becoming attracted to him. he has already stated that he thinks he is in love with me,and I have told him that all we can ever be is friends and a support network for one another. I have been honest with him about my desire to save my marriage and no desire to hurt my H in the way that he hurt me. I think that we have been good for one another for support, and do not want to lose him as a friend, however I find myself dreaming about him, and thinking about him, and wondering if there is more out there. I guess I am tired of hearing that I am second best, and would like to be number one to someone again. What do I do? NOTHING has happened between me and this man, we have only talked, and we live several states apart, he has been helping me with ideas on how to bring my H and I back together, even though he admits feelings for me he says he wants me to be happy- but why can this man be so wonderful to me and my H acts as if he is repulsed by me?

In other words, you are now just as bad as your H by having an affair. Two wrongs don't make a right, 2ndbest.

Second....the grass is always greener on the side you water the most. Nuff said...applies to both of you.

but I am not having an affair. I am not. that is what I want to avoid. I know two wrongs do not make a right. That is why we are only friends, and that is what I intend on keeping. why do you say I am having an affair? He gives me advise on how to deal with my H. What he says makes since and works. My H knows that I talk to him. How does that come out to me having an affair?

2ndbest, what you are having is an emotional affair. One does not have to jump into bed to constitute an affair.

Does your H know you are "attracted to him?" Does your H know "he has already stated that he thinks he is in love with me?" Does your H know you are talking to your "friend" about him and your marriage?

even though I only see him as a friend?
I put all I have into my relationship with my H. i love him dearly. I have tried and tried. Each and every part of me has tried. Only he can fill the void I feel inside. There is no use in pretending that he would fill the void. Only my H can. My heart is still broken from what he did to me, and continues to do to me. I can not go on with out my H. Right now I feel on my own. I have tried to make the best of it alone, I have done everything I can to ease the pain, nothing works. I can not live with out him. i miss everything about our former life. Our marriage I thought was good before, and just when i thought I could stand on my own and move on with out him, he came back, but is not putting himself into the marriage. I do not want to have any form of an affiar on my H. I want the man I married back, not this person living in his body. My H claims to love me when I ask, but does not show it in any way. I am tired of feeling rejected. I have tried talking to him about how I feel, he blows me off. I just want someone to talk to, that is all I am doing with this male- talk. he tells me his frustrations about his up and coming divorce and I share some of my concerns. I suppose I would not like it if my H did that with a female, and maybe I should think about that....

My H knows that I talk to him about his wife's affair. He knows that I have talked to him about his affair, and how it made me feel. My H does not like it that I talk to him, however since he is so many states away does not view him as a threat. No my H does not know this guy has feelings for me, nor does he know how often I talk to him. Mainly because he has stated that he does not want to know. My H is constantly talking to other women, and I HATE it, they call and text him all the time. He does not think there is anything wrong with him talking to other females, not that it makes it okay to talk to men because he is talking to females. i am not looking to get out of my marriage. My H knows that I love him. H is always accusing me of cheating on him- but I remind him I have no spare time to fit that in- if H is available, I make myself available.

What you are having is called an emotional affair, 2ndBest. It is just as bad a physical affair. Most affairees "see" their affair partner as a "friend." They all say that. But an affair is an affair.

I do not want to have an affair. I realize that my friendship with this man is not good, and it is probably a good thing that he lives so far away. My needs are going so greatly unmet that I fear what I would do if he did live closer. I must admit I am attracted to this man, for maybe no other reason then the needs that he fills. I LOVE MY HUSBAND. I do not want to cheat on my H- can I fix this with out giving up the friendship?

You don't have a "friendship," 2ndbest. This is an emotional affair. That is like asking if you can turn a butterfly back into a caterpillar. You can't.

Your marriage doesn't have a chance unless you knock it off. This is not the way to solve your marital problems, dear.

Your relationship with this guy broke the 'affair barriar' the moment he admitted feelings for you. It also broke that the moment you began 'dreaming' about him in a capacity outside of being a friend.

At this point, the ONLY thing you can do if you want to save your marriage is to drop this relationship COMPLETELY.

It should tell you something if your husband is not happy about your talking with this guy. And I'd bet money that you never told your husband what your friend said about how he feels about you, nor your 'dreaming' of him. THAT is the defining part of the deception in an affair. Think about it.

and how does one go about knocking it off? Is it the NC thing? How can you say a EA is just as bad as a PA? I do not know if it is a EA.

No my H does not know that I dream about him, or that I talk to him as regularally as I do. However he lives so far away- there is not a threat of a PA. No i did not tell my H about him having feelings, or mine back. I enjoy his friendship, it is nice to have an adult to talk to, not just kids.

I can understand where you are coming from because I get upset when i see on his phone that he is still talking to a women that has openly stated she wants him. I hate that he has lengthy conversations with her and does not see a problem with it, I must be doing the same thing. He refuses to stop talking to her, or the other women he talks to.

Does my marriage have any chance?

2ndbest, as a victim of a 3 year EA I can say without hesitation you ARE having an A. This is not even debatable. You dream of this man, he states that he loves you and your H is made uncomfortable by the whole thing. If you can be objective for a minute wouldn't you agree that your H's A likely began the same way. I went to a MC about W's EA and he said mine was a case of one. He didn't ackowledge an EA just like your H doesn't understand an A without sex; but you do. What hurts more, your H's physical betrayal or the emotional betrayal?

By the way I changed MC's. Poor behavior doesn't justify more poor behavior. Be the lighthouse.

2ndbest, we all know what it is, whether you admit it or not. You can call it a baloney sandwich if that makes you feel better, but it is what it is. An emotional affair is no different from a physical affair, they are both an affair and are destructive. Betrayal is betrayal.

Here is how you knock it off: you end contact today and tell him not to contact you again.

both hurt very badly. H use to come home and be intimate with me and then ask how he tasted... YUCK!! It is very hard on me that his heart is still not with me, his body is but his mind and heart soul is not. He does what ever he can to be home as little as possible. I see what you are saying. I do. Are you saying I have to stop talking to this man?

then I have no one.- wow I sound like my H did. I think I am going to be sick.

The only way to end it is via NC...NO CONTACT.

And just because he lives a long ways away means NOTHING...

My case in point. My wife had an online EA with a guy she NEVER MET IN PERSON. Met online, went from gaming together to talking all the time via emails and IM's...finally, he called her, they started talking on the phone all the time as well as IMing all day long...all unbeknownst to me.

I suspect things, finally got 'proof' via chat logs that I captured. When I confronted her, he bought her plane tickets to go live with him...and SHE was ready to go!! Never met this guy in person, had only ONE digital picture of him. But when push came to shove, she was ready to end 17+ years of marriage to go see if what they had was real.

She did end up staying with me...we've worked a LOT out. But...don't discredit this because it's not in person. And quit looking for reasons to make less of it. You KNOW what you're doing is wrong, or you would have admitted it all to your husband.

First step...realize what you're doing is wrong. Second step...tell him to NEVER contact you again. Third step...tell your husband what happened, and what you're doing to make sure that it ends. AND STICK TO IT.

This is why this site does NOT allow "private mail."

You are getting your needs met by this OM.

Do you not look forward to talking with him, sharing thoughts, etc...

You are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too close to him.

Time to say good bye. NO contact, otherwise you're just as bad as your husband.