Oh, re: TravellinMan's comments -

"Might be a good chance for you to leave clues out to the changes you are making for the better in your life."

I absolutely agree! When I left, I thought my H couldn't survive without me. He never cleaned the house, cooked, did the laundry, gone grocery shopping nor paid the bills. He didn't even know how to set up a doctor's appointment. When he started doing all these things on his own, I took notice. I would've never known any of this if I wasn't allowed in the house. Again, more reasons why I decided to go back.

Hope this helps,

Whisper and TM,
I think I have made my decision. I think I am now strong enough emotionally to do this, even if we bump into each other. I totally expect her to try and lb me, but I believe I am strong enough to keep from responding. I guess in a way this is going to make this a modified plan B. But, as I have read here, plan B is in part to protect the BS.
What WW doesnt know yet, is that I am going to instruct my atty to have the court date reset for early '06. This will give our M some time and maybe she will come to her senses. If not, at least I know I have done all I could.

Update-
I sent WW a text message late last night telling her that I wished to discuss getting a key to her to the house. I also said that I would like for to be able to see the pets if she would like to. I have yet to receive a response. I dont know for sure that she received it, as when I had access to her cell phone account she had blocked messages from me. Well, I unblocked it, but she very well may have discovered it and put the block in place again. Who knows? I am not dealing with the most stable person in the world right now. I know that much. I will have one of our intermediaries check with her to see if she in fact received it. If she chooses to not respond, at least I made the offer.

Update -
Just received email from WW. She will be coming by to spend time with the "kids" as she called them on nights when I have homegames. While I didnt ask for that to be the timing of her visits, that is what I wanted and I guess she knew that somehow. It really lifts a load off of me and my friends on the care of the animals.
I told my boss, who is also a close friend and has been great to me through all this, said that I will go home one night after a game and she is not going to want to leave. I told him I didnt see that happening. I cant allow myself to see that happening.



"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

This sounds reasonable and well thought out.

Good for you.

Be strong and recognize any of your own weaknesses that might throw you for a loop.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Pep,
I will not LB and I will not be affected by any LB on her part. As far as I know she is still fogged beyond comprehension. I think I am fully aware of what I am dealing with. At least I hope I am fully aware of what I am dealing with!




"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

Thanks Pep! Well, through email, it is all set. My homestand starts tomorrow and I will leave WW a key under the doormat. She said she plans on coming by and taking the dogs to the park for exercise and then she will hang out with them for a while. I gave her my schedule of game times and she said she would come by every day. This is quite a load off of me. I was putting a new tank of gas in the truck every fourth day with all the trips back and forth from the ballpark, and I have a 24 gallon tank.
I told WW what was in the freezer and pantry and that if fixing herself something to eat while she was there would give her more time with the animals, then she was welcome to do so. I am sure she is probably having a hard time getting her mind around this one.



"You gotta have a good imagination,
If you are gonna live a life of hope"
Jack Ingram

update-
WW is supposed to go by the house this afternoon to take the dogs to the park for exercise and hang out with them for a while. The home is now cleaner than it ever was when she lived there. I know she will be impressed. I guess now I have I could "almost" be called a metrosexual. For the past 3 months I have been purchasing the Mary Kay anti-aging facial products. I just wanted to take care of myself and make myself feel more confident about my appearance. Combining that with my weight loss and rigid cardio and weights regimen (inspired by Travelin Man), I gotta say I am feeling pretty good about myself and think that WW would be a complete and utter fool to pass this up! Okay...enough self-agrandizement. I am not really stuck on myself...at least not yet! Just kidding folks.
Anyway, one of our intermediaries, who is very excited about the fact that I have given WW a key to the house, said that she is similar to a kitten that has been spotted a new ball of yarn. He said that it has her attention and he doesnt think she is going to be able to resist. He even went as far as to say that I should do things like leaving a freshly cut flower in a vase on the dining room table and cooking a meal and leaving her a plate in the fridge. He said that she wants to be romanced.
I really dont know what to think about this. I am technically in Plan B and have only exchanged emails with her about making it possible for her to see the pets. Every email exchange about the pets, she refers to them as the "kids." Does this suggest a strong emotional attachment, that might, combined with my Plan A self improvements, might be strong enough to break the enemy's hold on her? Also, if the enemy still has the hold and she is still in the A, should I not refrain from any type of romantic gestures? Trying to go romantic seems like a departure from MB principles. A little guidance here would be helpful.
Also, I received a very brief glimpse into what may be a benefit of WW doing the counseling with the nun/psychiatrist. She told our intermediary, with resignation, that she is a "sinner." Our intermediary told me that she has started to realize the wrongness of her actions. I dont know if this is a big deal or not, I mean in my eyes we are all sinners and the churchs are full of them every Sunday. One other thing, she has been going through the photo albums of when we were first married and she commented about how happy we were. Again, maybe this means something maybe it doesnt. I guess in my own mind I can tie all these things together and paint a pretty encouraging scenario, but in reality it all comes back to the affair. How much positivity can be taking place as long as OM is even making the effort to make deposits in the bank?


"You gotta have a good imagination,
If you are gonna live a life of hope"
Jack Ingram

WCNT -

I am not the Plan B expert - as evidenced by my many slip ups, maybe a pro - like Mortarman - will come by soon...but - I wouldn't go to the lengths you are describing. Too much, too soon IMHO. Just have the place clean, and leave whatever small clues you see fit around the house to give her a glimpse - just a glimpse - of the changes you have made.

I am humbled by the fact I have been an inspiration to you. I know what you mean by feeling so much better about yourself. My ego has taken a huge hit due to the A, and I feel so much better about myself now that I am is such good shape. I can confidently say I am in the best shape of my life. I am also feeling a little metro, as I go to the tanning salon, and have bought a ton of new, trendy, tighter fitting clothes.

I think there are some great signs that your WW is showing...but be careful not to get your hopes up too much, lest you be crushed if there is a false start to recovery. Remember - a marathon, not a sprint.

Keep it up, man...you're doing great.



TM

TM,
that is my gut feeling as well. I think the romantic angle would be inappropriate in a best case scenario and possibly disastrous in a worse case scenario. My gut is telling me that I am doing all I should be doing. The house is clean and warm and homey (yo yo!). Just kidding. Again, I have to be careful to not tie all these little signs together. Just like you have to keep the piles of trouble in separate piles, so you dont lose perspective and make them into mountains, I cant pile all these seemingly positive signs into a mountain to make a beautiful vista.
I guess I just want to receive validation from the experienced MBers that I am doing all I should be doing, and nothing I shouldnt be doing.



"You gotta have a good imagination,
If you are gonna live a life of hope"
Jack Ingram

Here it is the 7th day of this 9 game homestand. WW has been coming by the house every evening to spend time with the dogs (kids as she calls them). Last Sunday I had an afternoon game, which I told WW by email about the game time. I got home from the game and no dogs, no WW. I sent a text message to her. Non accusatory since I didnt know what was up. All I said was, "I just got home." Didnt ask where the dogs were or anything. She responded..."Eating dinner, will bring the dogs back when finished." I responded...."no problem, take your time."
I sat there and prayed about the upcoming exchange. I felt like God was telling me to get out of there, so, as I had not had dinner I decided to go get a bite. About half an hour later, I get a call from WW and she tells me " I am outside, do you want to come out and get the dogs?" I told her....."I'm not home right now, just put them inside and I will be home later." She had a relieved sound in her voice and simply said....."Oh okay...Bye."
Now, not knowing if she simply forgot I had an early game or if she was trying to initiate contact, I decided a couple of days later to email her "The Purpose Filled Marriage" article. I received back a very angry hate filled reply about not wanting any emails from me that arent related to the dogs. I simply emailed her back..."I am sorry you feel that way."
So, I guess my timing was off. I will pull back for now. But, I will continue to respond to her with nothing but love and kindness. The enemy in her hates this. But I have put on the armor of God and it no longer bothers me. I know what it is and where it is coming from. I just need to get better at discerning what is God's timing and what is me just trying to force the issue.



"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

WCNT -

Just some notes from a FWW who very recently did the smart thing and returned to my H ...

"Every email exchange about the pets, she refers to them as the "kids." Does this suggest a strong emotional attachment, that might, combined with my Plan A self improvements, might be strong enough to break the enemy's hold on her? ... she has been going through the photo albums of when we were first married and she commented about how happy we were."

>While this does suggest an emotional attachment, the question is what is she doing w/ the attachment? Although I loved my dogs (as my kids), I also used them sometimes as an excuse to "go home" and "reminesce." When there, I'd look at all our old pictures and furniture (and bawl). However, don't let this break your resolve w/ Plan B. I also did it as a part of my mourning process ... to ease the loss, thinking that I was going for a D. I ended up going to see the dogs less and less and then stopped altogether shortly after we agreed to file a D. You've got to remain strong!

"She told our intermediary, with resignation, that she is a "sinner."

>Now this IS a good sign. The thing that weighed on me more than anything was guilt. This actually is to your advantage b/c if she does turnaround, she'll remember the burden/yoke of that guilt, and just the horrible reminder of that guilt will keep her from straying.

"in my own mind I can tie all these things together and paint a pretty encouraging scenario, but in reality it all comes back to the affair."

>Yes, stick to your logic right now. It will keep you strong, unbiased and on top of things.

"How much positivity can be taking place as long as OM is even making the effort to make deposits in the bank? "

>You'd be amazed at what she sees and perceives. If I didn't see the changes in my H (and, believe me, every little change is DULY noted), I would've NEVER gone back. Sorry to make it sound so cold, but it's the truth.

"if the enemy still has the hold and she is still in the A, should I not refrain from any type of romantic gestures?"

>Yes. I would STRONGLY suggest that at this point, you need to refrain from all contact - esp. love letters, romanctic gestures, etc. You need to make yourself (or make yourself appear to be) independent, out-going, happy, good-looking, confident, responsible & fun - all the things that a woman wants in a man. With what you've shared, I'm certain that she's in limbo-hell right now and doing the comparing/contrast analysis. This is good, esp. if she is with the OM b/c "distance DOES make the heart grow fond" while (this is my own saying) "closeness will show you how messy a Monet truly is." If you want suggestions ...

1. Spruce up your wardrobe - check out GQ magazines for ideas.
2. Buy a couple of "cool things" (paintings, sculptures) for the house.
3. Randomly leave ticket stubs or receipts of the fun things you've been doing on the counter (esp. outings that you know she'd probably enjoy).
4. Take down or turn over some of the pictures of the 2 of you. Definitely leave a couple of her pictures facing down!
5. Go away for a weekend trip somewhere. Don't tell her where. Just ask her to watch the dog for you.
6. Oh!!! (the kicker) ... leave a phone number on a yellow sticky that she doesn't recognize or a business card w/ some woman's name ... with a phone number scribbled on the back.
7. If you're one of those guys that writes to-do lists as reminders for himself, leave a list in an area she may see to include: pick up dry cleaning, pick up order from (an upscaled men's store), call *weird phone number*, call carpet cleaners, pay bills, take dogs to groomers, etc.
8. Buy some self-help books and leave them on your bedside table. Buy a few risque men's (non-pornographic) magazines and leave them about the house. Maxim & Stuff are good.
9. Organize the garage, pantry, closet, whatever.
10. Pick up some real estate brochures, magazines, house ads, etc.
11. Whatever you do, when she calls or emails, don't respond immediately! Wait a few hours or a day.

WCNT, the undisputed fact is - WOMEN SNOOP! It's in our genetic makeup. Just ask any FWW for opinions on this. It took an act of God to get me to come to my senses, and things like this chipped away at me every day.

I agree w/ TM - It is a marathon, not a sprint.

Hang in there!

Hey, Whisper!

Your list of eleven - are these things that your H admitted using to try and entice you back?

Or are you just a natural at this sort of thing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

A -

Actually, these are the things my H did (period). He didn't do these things to entice me back. He did these things so that he can survive, regain his dignity and be human again. Makes me feel so sad and terrible just thinking about it. I was so stupid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm very sorry I upset you, Whisper - I didn't mean to.

Sorry for the threadjack, too WCNT.

Alph.

Don't be sorry, Alphin. I'm glad you reminded me of what I need to do to make up for what I destroyed. I'll bet my date w/ my hubby tonight will be just that much better for it!

Sorry, WCNT. End of my thread-jack too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

1) I have spruced up the wardrobe. Particularly with smaller sizes!
2) I will have to do this one
3)Havent done this per se, but I have left a home building market analysis prepared by my bank on the dining room table. I have had discussions with them about interim financing for building a couple of spec homes. My brother and I are considering resurrecting my Dad's custom home building company since our real estate market is smoking hot right now.
4) Have done this already.
5)I am leaving Monday for my league All Star Game. Have told her the "would not be available for visitation." Didnt say anything else. I will take them to my parents while on my trip.
6) Good idea. There have always been women's business cards around the house, just because of the business I am in, but the phone number scribbled on the back is a new twist.
7)I have never had to do lists. Maybe its time to start!
8)I like Maxim and Stuff! I will do this one!
9)This is already pretty much done.
10)This ties in nicely with #3
11)I will do this as well.
One other thing I have done that is probably messin with her mind.......I have been buying Mary Kay "Timewise" facial products. Microderm abrasion, cleanser, conditioner, replinisher, the whole treatment. Never thought I would be the type to do that, but I figured I needed to start taking care of myself and I love it! Bought some new cologne (expensive). I guess you could now say this redneck has morphed into a metrosexual!




"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

I won't say a word! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Thanks Alph! She will see when she goes into the house tonight the new luggage I bought this morning for my upcoming trip (which I havent mentioned to her yet).




"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

That'll make her wonder!

Good job!

Alph.