Good work, WCNT! I remember when my H had me on Plan B, everything he bought made me wonder. Imagination is a scary thing.

This MIGHT be a small sign. When WW and I were together, on a game night, she would always leave the front porch light on for me. Through the first 7 games since I let her back in the home, I would come home and no light was left on outside. Last night, I drive up and notice the light has been left on outside. Might have been completely inadvertent. Might be a small sign. Who knows? We will see.



"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

After looking at my last post, I hope I dont appear to be looking for hope where there is none. If it appears that way, it is because possibly I am.
I do have to say though, that I am excited about the changes I have made in my life, how I look, how I feel, how I think for the most part, the knowledge that MBers has given me, the way I react to other people now (and this is the biggest thing I think that God has done for me through this). No matter if WW is smart enough to come back or not, a lucky girl is going to benefit. Bottom line, I am excited about the future.....WW or not. My biggest concern right now, is keeping my home and my pets. The latter is probably more important to me than the former. I can always buy a new house. If that is what God wants for me, then I have to trust that He knows best.
Reading "Your Best Life Now" late last night after a 16 inning marathon, Osteen was talking about when we think our lives are the darkest, the easiest way to heal is to minister to the needs of others. No matter how bad our situations are, someone's is worse. We need to do things to take our minds off of our problems by helping others. I thought immediately of this site and how that when I respond to other's posts, I find the response to my own posts increase. This life is all about giving and not expecting anything in return. What a message!


"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

"No matter if WW is smart enough to come back or not, a lucky girl is going to benefit."

Good for you, WCNT! This is the best thing I've read from you to date! Look how you've turned your life around ... you should be so proud!!! We all are!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Whisper! I appreciate that. I just got back from my league All Star Game. Had a real good time while I was there. It was in Frisco,TX. Wow! The median income there is the highest in the state. Nuthin' but a bunch of Lexus-drivin' crackers! Just kidding. It was nice. Had a suite at the Embassy Suites overlooking the ballpark.
I will say though, the drive up and back was rough. I didnt do anything but think about my sitch the whole time. I spent a lot of time wondering why I even want WW back. Why I would even entertain trying recovery. The bottom line is the fact that God has instilled a very strong love for her in me and there are the ever present issue of the vows.
I hung out at a happy hour with one of our players and his girlfriend, who I know pretty well. She was very empathetic about my sitch. I told her that if and when I am ready to move on to be sure and let me know if her Mom had any nice divorced friends she could introduce me to. Just kinda joking around, but really trying to let her know that I was going to be okay no matter what happened. Her response was that she didnt know about her Mom's friends, but that she had friends that like to date older guys! I was shocked but she was serious! This girl is 23 years old! I dont know if she realizes how old I am!
Anyway....through all this, here I sit today thinking about how much I want my WW back and how I know that with MB principles and commitment, we could have a better M than before.
This is such a rollercoaster.



"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

That's just how I feel, WCNT. One day I'm going to ask my WH 'What would be better for the kids - you and I together and really happy, or you continuing your A with OW?'

Of course he'll say that we can't be together and happy - but I know that we can, using MB principles. No point in trying to educate him at the moment, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


Alph.

Alphin,
you are exactly right on what would be better. I dont know why, what is so obvious to most of the sane world, escapes these folks. But, I guess it all goes back to the addiction. You know, we choose to love our WS's. Just like God chooses to love us. This crap about going out and finding another relationship just because the butterflies landed on the current relationship is a symptom of our society that is sickening. Sometimes I think I was born about 100 years too late. You know, marriage and love is hard work, but the reward is immense. I choose to live for the longterm reward. Not for the butterflies that last only one season.


"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

Surprised to hear your description of Frisco. It used to be a dirt road! Ha! (My best friend from Baylor was from Frisco.)

"through all this, here I sit today thinking about how much I want my WW back and how I know that with MB principles and commitment, we could have a better M than before.
This is such a rollercoaster."

>I really hope your WW wakes up soon and realize what a wonderful H she has. I know this is perhaps the toughest thing you've had to endure, but hang in there. If this truly is God's calling as you say, then be strong, keep on improving yourself and your life. It'll pay off for you one way or another.

Take good care - glad you had a nice time in Frisco!

Whisper,
you are correct. I dont know a lot right now about the future, but what I do try to focus on is that God has something wonderful for me awaiting on the other side of this mess. I just have to keep the faith. It is so hard sometimes though....wanting what I want, versus just letting go and letting Him do His will in His time. I guess He still has some refining to do on me since I want what I want, and I want it now. I guess that is really the rollercoaster, and it exists within myself. I guess I havent completely "died to self" yet.


"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

WCNT, I’m still following your thread and I just want to say I think you’re doing great under this difficult circumstances. As whisper has said, we all feel very proud of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> From your posts and everything you say, I can ‘see’ that you are a spiritual man with a very deep faith in God. I hope your W will realize how lucky she is and fully return to you and this M.

In one of your earlier posts you said something that stuck out to me - something I can relate with:

This is so true… I believe the only way we can truly gain something positive/valuable from negative experiences in our lives (no matter how horrible the experience(s)), is when we can give meaning and purpose to it by sharing what we’ve learned from it with others and/or to help others in similar situations. Most importanly though - bad experiences also purify us and help us to have true empathy and compassion for others.

Blessings and take care,
Suzet

Thanks Suzet,
I appreciate the kind words and the support. I noticed on your sig line the occasional accidental contact at work. How has that affected things? My WW works with OM and I have wondered quite a bit how contact might play a role even after the A has ended.



"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

"I have wondered quite a bit how contact might play a role even after the A has ended."

>Even though when I established NC I was absolutley convinced that I did the right thing (for me), I don't think my recovery would be nearly as successful (nor expedient) w/ the OM around, even on an occassional basis. And, this is just me, I think I would've quit my job to avoid the OM. My M is so much more important to me now. Luckily, I didn't have to make that choice b/c I absolutely love my job.

It's the combination of the temptation, the memories (however unpleasant) and even guilt towards the OM that would just make my life/recovery so very miserable. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it's the truth. I honestly don't know how Suzet does it.

WCNT,

First I need to say that two big factors that helped me and my H to recover in spite of the accidental contact with XOM at work, is 1) the fact that my involvement stopped before anything serious happened and before it could turn into a full EA and 2) the fact that by instinct and will I kept myself from acting on my feelings and committing too much of myself into the relationship. The betrayal was mostly in my thoughts and feelings and I never acted on or expressed my inappropriate thoughts and feelings to OM. This made it easier for both me and my H to cope with the circumstances and I think if it wasn’t for the above two factors, me and my H wouldn’t be able to fully recover while still working at the same company.

The following also helped me to commit to NC and helped me to cope with the situation at work:

- My willful choice to commit myself to NC and had the motivation within myself to do it.

- This website and reading/posting on these discussion boards was of tremendous help to realize the importance of NC, commit myself to it and to stay committed. However, one time I slipped up and contacted OM after he broke NC and send me an e-mail.

- Help & support from my wonderful, Christian counselor at work (she also become a great friend & confidant of mine). The medication I received for OCD, depression and anxiety was also very helpful – especially during withdrawal.

- Support from my H, mother and close female friends and encouragement to stay committed to NC.

- The desire to stay obedient to God and fear of hurting my H and fear of the consequences should I break NC and became involved with OM again.

- Commitment to my H and M and honesty/openness to my H about everything (including every occurrence of accidental contact at work).

However, because of the contact, my withdrawal was very long & intense and it took me a long time to get past lingering thoughts and feelings for XOM (18 months in total). Especially during early withdrawal and recovery, it was extremely difficult for me to work at the same company than XOM. I felt almost constantly depressed and obsessed for a period of 5 months. During that time, I also struggled with severe anxiety, especially during and after every occurrence of contact. Every time I accidentally saw or bumped into XOM, I went a few steps back in my personal recovery and became more depressed for some time. I was also very frustrated about my circumstances and fruitless attempts in finding another job, especially after my H lost his job due to victimization and unfair dismissal last year January (at the same company I'm working for). My H is still unemployed and the court case is still in progress... It's not easy to get a new job in my country due to political and economical circumstances.

Anyway, in the beginning I felt fearful at work almost all the time and just the thought of bumping into OM made me felt extremely anxious and stressed (the anxiety start even before the friendship ended because of uncomfortability about OM's inappropriate attention & flirting and also because of feelings of guilt & shame about my own inappropriate feelings for him). I went back to my counselor and also received medication. Slowly but surely I could start to distance myself from my feelings and the residual feelings for XOM started to fade as well. After the medication, I still went a few steps back in withdrawal after accidental contact, but I felt more stable and able to handle it and things have got better with time & patience. I know I wouldn’t be able to cope in the circumstances without the medication.

As you can see above, my recovery was very difficult and I know it would have been so much faster if it were possible for me to quit my job and/or find another one. Last year I’ve created this thread - Guidelines: How to do NC at work[/b] – to help BS’s and/or FWS’s cope with a situation where the OP and FWS still work at the same company. Continuous contact (even if the contact is occasional and not deliberate) is hard on both the FWS and BS in recovery. This is why it is recommended so strongly by Dr Harley that the WS must quit the job and even move to another state if possible to limit any possible contact with the OP. I also strongly recommend it.

Although I feel completely recovered today and although accidental contact doesn’t have an affect on me anymore (except for some slight anxiousness), it took me very long time to reach this state of indifference. Today I'm so glad to say that I have overcome all those issues of withdrawal, depression, anxiety etc. in spite of occasional contact, but it was not an easy path at all and not something I will recommend for anyone... However, I believe God allowed the ‘thorn’ (of working at the same company than XOM) to remain in my life and today I’m a much stronger person partly because of that. We may never know all the ‘why's’ of what God allows in our lives but I believe He allows everything for a purpose and can let everything (even the bad things) work out for our good if we just trust Him, have faith in Him & stay obedient to Him... The following verse from Script (once given to me by ForeverHers) have very personal meaning for me:

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, [b]"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I hope my post could be of some help and insight to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,
Suzet

Whisper / Suzet,
thanks for the replies. Some real good insight there. I hope in the future it becomes relavant to an attempt at recovery so that I can use it. WW and OM work at a company that has over 4,000 employees, so I could see a situation where they might be able to continue to work there without contact. It would just take some moving around.
Anyway, I am in sort of a dilemma this morning. Yesterday, a client of mine called and asked if I would be interested in going to game 7 of the NBA championship series with her last night. This lady is very, very nice. Although I dont know her outside of a business setting, she is a very spiritual person and quite attractive. I declined by saying that I had plans to watch the game with some friends. She then asked me if I would have lunch with her on Monday, which I accepted being that I have to return some banner signs to her anyway. I am definitely getting the sense that she is interested in a friendship and possibly more. Through my conversations with the Lord, I have decided that if WW and I never reconcile that I want my next partner to be a woman that is filled with the spirit. To me, there is nothing more beautiful than a woman that worships and loves the Lord. I am not sure what this all means right now with this lady seemingly expressing an interest in me.
I dont want to be like the guy on the rooftop of his house during the flood, who turns down two boat rescues and a chopper rescue as the floodwaters approach the rooftop because God has promised him safety. After the flood washes him and the house away he goes to heaven and asks God why he didnt protect him. God replies...."I sent you two boats and a chopper, what more was I supposed to do?"




"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

WCNT -

I am going to seem very hypocritical here, for I had a ONS back in February....

But do you really think God would send this woman to you while still married? Or might she be the work of the other "team"?

I still struggle with whether to date or not. Thus far, I have chosen to stay out of it, although I have been getting phone numbers, just to get my ego boost...stupid, isn't it? But I would recommend waiting until your D is final - if it ends up going that road, then wait some more until you heal. God will put someone in our path when the time is right.

Sounds strange coming from someone who is wrestling with his faith, no? Just call me Mr. Pharisee...


TM

TM,
point well taken. Believe me, I have absolutely no intention of pursuing any type of intimate relationship with this woman, or any other woman for that matter at this time. And if she is as spiritual as she seems to be, she will not pursue that with me either. So, I think the cards will be out there on the table pretty quickly.
My court date is coming up on the 11th. While I have told my attorney to slam the brakes on WW's d-train for now, I have reason to believe that WW might just accept my settlement offer made back in April. What do I do then? Am I legally obligated to give her the divorce? I will check with my attorney if and when that happens. But right now, I believe that is the only way she can circumvent my plan to delay the divorce.
I believe God knows what is going to happen before it happens, just as he knows of our sin before we commit it.
So, maybe this is my chopper. I dont know yet. What miracle is God going to perform in my life? I dont know yet but am confident in knowing that he will.
Maybe none of this means a thing and I am just having lunch with a client. I really dont know. We will see.




"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

"I have reason to believe that WW might just accept my settlement offer made back in April. What do I do then? Am I legally obligated to give her the divorce? I will check with my attorney if and when that happens."

>I recommend that you visit w/ your attorney now to know your options. Last-minute, knee-jerk reactions are never good, esp. when it comes to sensitive issues such as a D.

And, boy, do I concur w/ TM re: staying away from a potential R until YOU'VE decided that the M is over. After my H and I jointly decided on a D, my H scheduled a date. And, of course, we all know the story - I begged him to take me back, etc., etc. Anyway, if my H were here writing to you, I KNOW he'd recommend that you avoid a new R until everything is finalized. It just causes too much angst and confusion. Think about it ... it's hard enough to reconcile/recover when 1 spouse is in the fog, can you imagine having both spouses in the fog?? Yikes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there!

"I recommend that you visit w/ your attorney now to know your options. Last-minute, knee-jerk reactions are never good, esp. when it comes to sensitive issues such as a D."

Whisper,
dont worry, it wont be a last minute, knee jerk reaction. I am just not going to bother my attorney with it until it comes up. If it comes up.
As far as my client goes, I would move very slowly even if I were single at this point. It is a business relationship at this point. Clients dont grow on trees and I would be very hesitant to allow something like this to affect my business. I will also be brutally honest with her as to exactly what my situation is.


"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

Good for you!

Stay focused, stay strong. You're going to be just fine.

Thanks Whisper,
went to church this morning. Great message. My pastor is doing a series on bible stories from our childhood. This sermon dealt specifically with the story of Joseph and how it relates to forgiveness and how God will use evil in our lives and turn it around for good. It was very inspiring.
Anyway, a bit of a trigger was there. The girlfriend that WW moved in with shortly after I discovered the first evidence of the A....well girlfriend's grandmother sat right behind me during church. I had seen her there before, and we had both kind of given out the forced smiles. Well this morning before I left home, I had prayed about receiving and applying the message I was going to hear, and that I was going to choose to be happy today. So, I guess that kind of radiated from me this morning. The grandmother came up to me and was genuinely nice and asked how I was doing and seemed to genuinely care. I told her I was doing very well, and I think she could see that I was. I also asked her how her family was doing, in order to let her know that I wasnt consumed by ill feelings. I cant say that I have completely let go of her granddaughter's A enabling behavior and her role in destroying my M, but I am working on that. This poor lady had nothing to do with it anyway, so there is no reason to burden her with that stuff.
Gonna head up to Bandera, TX this afternoon and spend a little time in the woods at my deer lease. Probably take the AR-15 and give some tin cans a bad time. Thats always a good release.


"you gotta have a good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram