Frozen,

If someone came to you with this problem what would you offer to them in the way to stratagies for dealing with the pain? It seems to me that First, one must in the heat of battle realize they are reacting to the pain. Next, it would seem to me that one would need to decide what the goal of the next actions were.

So imagine your H or someone you know were to ask you the very same questions, how would you anwser them?

God Bless,

JL

PS: I don't think it is completely pain management. You are trying to hurt him, you want to hurt him. I realize this part of the "fight or flight" response to an attack or pain, but it seems there is more here. Hence the suggestion for further introspection or counseling. You see by your definition and mine; NO ONE HAS AN ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEM. They have a pain problem as you said, or a fear problem, or a frustration problem, or...

It is the same Frozen, it really is the same. Perhaps a few books from the bookstore might help. Just a thought.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for the suggestions. I do see your point.

I guess I have a hard time viewing it as an anger management problem because I don't really feel angry when I'm reacting.

I thought about what you said...that I am trying and want to hurt him. I have really tried to examine that and see if it fit. It doesn't. Hurting him is a by-product. The payoff of my negative behavior seems to be just releasing my pain. I realize that he does get hurt in the process and that doesn't make me proud. I don't like it at all. I'm pretty ashamed of it, actually, and truly would like to find a way to release some of my pain without hurting him in the process. So it would appear that through this discussion with you, I have identified the payoff, or purpose, of my behavior. That is very helpful, in that now that I have recognized the goal, it will be easier to find a different way of accomplishing it.




That could make for a very interesting debate thread sometime. I see your point, but I wonder...if anger IS really a secondary emotion (and I am a firm believer of that, too) that the key to managing it would seem to me to be managing the source.

Right now I need to busy myself finding solutions.

Thank you, JL, for your ideas and your help. I truly appreciate them.

OK.

You asked me on the forum, I will answer on the forum.

Forget the word problem, don't worry about the definition, or semantics, or anything. You get angry and you don't want to anymore. That about sum it up?

(JL, feel free to jump in with my favorite analogy of yours with the cowboys and the bull).

Step 1: Don't beat yourself up over it. Not biblical. Not productive. Frankly, you are in good company. I myself struggle with both pride and anger. I am a WHOLE bunch better at it than I was 10 yrs ago. Or even 2. (Stop sniggering in Idiotville, I CAN hear you all the way over here.) We all have things we want to change.

Step 2: You have started this step. CONFESS it. Implies remorse for the behavior. Implies a desire to change. There in lies the key.

Step 3: Understand that any behavior GOOD OR BAD that is repetitive is just a habit. No more, no less. The problems are when doing "the act" brings you positive fleshly feedback. Like an affair. MUCH easier to NOT start, than to STOP once you have started. EVEN IF the consequences become apparent. A choice with lots of positive fleshly feedback becomes a habit REAL FAST. Know any smokers who are suffering emphysyma (sp?) and can't quit? Ever notice how it is much easier to not eat that first Oreo than stop before the fifth? Habits are HARD to change. But they can be. With desire, effort, and time. The more desire and effort, the less time. Which is why "cold turkey" is effective.

Step 4: Understand that it is healing. Don't let that discourage you. Notice that in the verse I supplied above. HEALING. And like healing, it shares the following effects:

4.a. DON'T PICK THE SCAB. What ever "root emotion" JL references, and I agree with him, is the itch that makes you want to pick the scab, identify it. Then, AS SOON as you feel it come, distract yourself. Maybe it is a walk. Maybe sing. Maybe divert the anger to something else less harmful. Find something that works to help you do this. If something is not working, discard it. But be diligent and systematic in trying things. Heck, brainstorm a list and cross off the things that don't work. Don't be afraid to put something silly down. How badly do you want to change it? Suppose I told you that when you feel pain leading to anger I want you to shout at the top of your lungs "I'm Miss Perky-Poopy-Pants" over and over again. Then you see a trigger in the mall. Would you shout it there? How bad do you want it? A victory like that would really increase your confidence in yourself that you could beat it. Ask people who have beaten it what they did. Sadly, the only thing I can promise is that until you DO beat it, you will have plenty of opportunities to figure out what works.

4.b. Understand that it is healing and will take time. Like an injury, you don't feel 100%. You move a certain way and the stitches pull, and it reminds you of the wound. And it gets VERY ANNOYING AND FRUSTRATING. Accept that as part of the process. Don't think "Man, that wound is still there." Think "Man, it's not as bad as it was and it won't be long now."

4.c. Properly care for the wound. Keep it clean. That means, don't bottle it up. Lean on Patriot for help. I can guarantee HE will be very motivated to help you with that. Ask him to explain what a "running password" is during a passage of lines operation. Make a running password with him. "Danger Will Robinson" or something like that. I'm sure when the anger is brewing, his presence doesn't really help. He probably knows this too. Call your password, he skedaddles, you calm down because you now KNOW this is not what you want for your life. Kiss and make up. Yeah. You will blow it. Sometimes you will lose control before you shout your running password. Sometimes his pride will get in the way and he won't skedaddle. It's OK. The two of you are not perfect. But it goes back to that DESIRE thing. How bad do the two of you want it?

Get the picture? Have you broken a bad habit? Same process. Exactly the same.

NCWalker - FAAAAADING OUT! Good luck, I'll pray.

Okay, NC...

I took your adivce and I've got my list. Sorry to say (not really) that "I'm Miss Perky-Poopy-Pants" failed to make the cut.

"Danger Will Robinson" works just fine for me, if it's fine with Patriot. I hope he skedadaddles accordingly and hastily.




You SURE about that????




Loud and clear.