I thought we might lighten up a bit with a discussion as to which gender has more fun being newly singled. What brought this to my mind is a discussion I had with a recently divorced woman I know. She decided to celebrate her singleness by buying new clothing. What was interesting is the variety of clothing available to women. Not only can they wear all sorts of things that we men can't, like skirts, dresses, etc. But, they can wear men's clothing and still look acceptable and often look great in them.

She also commented that women can often dress in ways that are just plain sexy, while a man would look foolish, for example, wearing pants slit up to the thigh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So, do women have more fun being newly single?

When I first left by XH I didn't do much celebrating, I had a two y/o son. But after the first year it hit me WOW I'm single I'm 28, so when son would go to XH that was my time for me and me only. I never got a babysitter to go out becuase That would make me feel like a bad mom, but When I did go out I dressed up looked good and had to more or less prove to myself once more that I was something. XH would always tell me that nobody would want me and that he is the only one that will be with me. I lost weight, looked good and finally felt good like a women. I learned alot, and now after almost 6 years It has dwindled a little but I know I can look good (when I want to).
ANYWAY yes I think most woment live it up a little bit more then the men do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />Sorry men

Definitely. Many of us have lost the dead wood (aka the X).
I have much more time on my hands now that I only have 2 children to care for instead of 3 (x).
It's amazing how good you can feel when you aren't constantly hearing negative comments (aka emotional abuse).

UMMM, not for this woman.

I didn't want to be single, I don't really enjoy the bar style life. If I had more single girl friends to go out with, I may enjoy it more.
But, I'm really starting to believe, that 42 and single, is not a good mix!

Good question though!
Karona

From a man's perspective. My wife divorced me after 21 years because I was not honest with her. (I secretly looked at Porn occasionally) I never had an affair, verbal or physical, (perhaps emotional) and neither did she. We had a great sex life, had fun and truly loved each other. She went through much pain deciding she had to have a better life or someone that could be fully intimate with her. She is an attractive woman at 42 and is getting plenty of attention from males. Our kids are in college so we don't have the constraints that a person with young children would have. She is dating again and I assume happy about it. I, on the other hand, have no desire to date and think only about how I had a pretty good life and goofed it up. I know self-forgiveness is important but I never wanted to hurt her, my family, or our world.

I would say she definately has more options at this point than I. Will that change down the road? Possibly. But it is hard to imagine I will find someone that brought more joy, sunshine and warmth than she did.

My vote is a woman has more fun being single....

huh kc, you (and exw) sound like poster couple for reconcilliation. Learn the MB stuff like your life depended on it, lose the negativity (I know is hard, and self-pity has it's own rewards). If you truly had a great marriage, and the issue was porn/intimacy, and you really are capable of intimacy, and meeting her needs, then this is fixable. But you have to pursue her again, and that is very very tricky when an ex, especially a woman who gave up on you....but regardless of how much fun your 42 ex is having....the pool of males is predominantly unworthy (just looking for sex), and none have your assets ...history, a good sex life, and assume other good stuff. Believe it or not, after awhile, ex's do date each other, and if you have truly changed....well, anything is possible.

No! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

FR

JE,,, man here... from what i have seen... the majority (not trying to over generalize) of women have more fun being single than men... why? it seems to me that men may typicaly have one goal, purpose and focus... and rejection is not all that enjoyable... lol... i have seen far more men being rejected by women, than vise versa... it seems to be the way the game and society is set up... man persues woman, typicaly... dare i say that i have won quite a few drinks wagering on what a woman's response and what the outcome would be when a random guy would try to talk to her or ask her out...

anyway... JMO... ducking from 2x4's,now...

YES!

Yes!

It is more socially acceptable for women to do things together with their female friends than for men to do things with male friends. So in the absence of a new partner, I think women have more social outlets in general.

I also think women are more conditioned to be planners and arrangers of activities - and doing this for a new life is just more of the same.

Which is why many men just sit around post D (no one to plan for them), and we women are free of the dead weight. I can think of a million places my X wouldn't go with me.

BTW understand that this is a generalization and could be a type A personality thing too.

Do Women have more fun being newly single?

No freakin' way!!

They gotta buy new clothes and get a new 'do blah, blah, blah.

Well, OK, maybe doing that IS fun for them, in a twisted sort of way. Sure is expensive.

Guys don't hafta do that. Just like we don't have to bring a gift if we go visit somebody.

WAT

Well, I can only speak for myself, but as a single man I am having a ball! I didn't even have to "plan" or "arrange" a new life for myself, I just kind of fell into it.

When I was married, my life revolved primarily around my wife and her activities, and her social life was mostly spent with her family. We very rarely entertained or went out with friends.

Now, as a single man who doesn't need to answer to anyone, I can relax at home if I want, I can go out if I want, I can take a class if I want, I can invite someone over if I want, and a lot of times I can even do this spontaneously! If I invite people over for dinner, I don't have to worry about someone telling me I'm doing it all wrong. (My mother was a farm girl, whereas my ex-wife was raised in a rather more upper-class family which entertained distinguished guests from all over the world. We had different ideas about what entertaining involved. Perhaps people are just more forgiving of a bachelor, but entertaining is much easier when I do it my more casual way.) With only one person messing up the house, it's also easier to keep it in relatively presentable shape.

Heck, a year after my ex-wife left, I even bought a motorcycle, and that was something I could never have gotten away with while married.

This is not the life I chose for myself. It is not the life I want. But, I certainly can't deny that it's pretty darn fun!

Another area where women can have more fun is in the romance department. Like it or not, we guys (at least we decent ones) have to wait for the woman to signal that she is ready for the next step, whatever that is. For example, we take her home and walk her to the door. We hope we will be invited in for some snuggling on the couch, but that is really her call.

If she is feeling romantic, she can invite her date in (assuming she feels good about him), sit dangerously close to him on the couch, and get her snuggling. We guys have to wait patiently for her to make that decision no matter how much we want to snuggle.

So score another point for newly single women having more fun.

While the liberation of being able to buy what I want (within financial reason, of course), cook what I want or not cook at all, not fight for the TV, actually be able to hold the remote in my own hands, decorate how I want, clean when I want, etc., may be appealing to some degree...

I'm going to disagree with the statement that women have more fun than men being newly single. At least in my case, I find that my physical demands have increased (I have a house to maintain by myself as well as a decent-size yard to keep up and an icy slope of a driveway in the winter). I am parenting my teenage daughter by myself (XH husband never "parented" but at least he was there to help with some of the transporation to school, etc., every now and then). I am solely responsible for figuring out how we will finance my son's college. My XH has basically stepped out of the parenting arena except for child support for DD which is finally almost caught back up. Neither of his kids want to spend time with him. One is an adult and doesn't have to. The other chooses not to do the required visits and he doesn't seem to mind.

So, between the house, the kids, and work, I find I don't really have time for a social life to speak of. Add to that the fact that I'm sort of an "old fashioned" girl when it comes to who makes the first move, who calls who, who shows interest, and who asks who out.

So while a guy is generally childless and free except for one night a week and every other weekend (there are exceptions!), and he has the ability to ask anyone out he wishes whenever he wishes, I sit and I wait and I wonder what is in store for me as time marches by.

I'm trying to become fine with this "single is great and I don't need a man to make me happy" idea, but I'm not quite there yet. Someone made a comment in another post--I can't quote it but it went something like this.

"It really doesn't matter what you've accomplished in life. It is meaningless if you have no one to share it with."

I have a nice suburban home. I have a good job. I have aspirations to travel--love it--want to see more of the US and someday maybe even be brave enough to fly over an ocean. But I don't want to do it alone. And I don't want to do it with a "singles' travel group". And I don't really want to with my best girlfriend (don't have one anyway). I long for a companion...a partner. But I have to wait for the man to pursue me initially.

So I really do think if a man has any kind of confidence at all, he will have more fun being single than a woman will, at least initially.

I think it depends on what floats your boat. I'm in a similar situation as LL, except my girls spend two nights a week with their dad. However, I'm loving life. I'm loving being in charge of what I cook, what I buy, what I do, what color I paint the walls,. I'm so mcuh happier.
So what that I have no social life.

LL -- I feel so sad for you. You seem so resigned to letting life happen to you instead of going out and grabbing it.

I am having so much fun being single that I have virtually no interest in ever being married again. Not that I don't have companionship...

its meaningless if you have no one to share it with??? I couldn't disagree more. My happiness depends on no one but myself.

Your children are not babies. You are not chained to your home. I have all the same responsibilities you do.

You seem to have convinced yourself that you don't deserve a new relationship, that you're a sinner and thats that. If you don't love yourself, no one else will either.

Sparkle.

Lordslady, I don't think the statement "I don't need a man to make me happy" is intended to be interpreted as "It doesn't matter to me whether I've got a man in my life or not." You don't have to have everything you want in order to be happy, or to have fun, or to appreciate what you do have.

Sure, I like being single. I like the freedom. But I would trade everything I enjoy and appreciate about it in a heartbeat for something I would enjoy and appreciate and value more. I know what I want, and this life of fun and freedom is not it.

That's not going to stop me from enjoying it while I can.

And lordslady, you can say that a man "has the ability to ask anyone out he wishes whenever he wishes," but that's sort of useless when all women seem to fall into one of four categories: (1) those who are unavailable (e.g. married), (2) those whom he has no wish to ask out, (3) those whom he would like to get to know as friends but who would likely mistake his intentions if he did ask them out, and (4) those who turn him down.

I don't really "date." That hasn't stopped me from getting to know quite a few really neat people: men and women, married and single. And I'm an introvert who seems to turn almost invisible in large groups of people!

Lordslady, you look at your situation and it seems impossible that your dreams could ever come true. Well, I look at my situation, and that seems just as impossible to me. The difference is, I do not "sit and...wait and...wonder what is in store for me as time marches by." I wonder, sure! But I am not sitting and waiting. What seems impossible to me...well, that is God's department, and I am excited to see where He will eventually take me - all the more so because I know it has to be beyond what I can imagine. In the meantime though, my concern is more for determining what my values are - what kind of man God made me to be - and then trying to live out those values.

Do you feel broken and useless, lordslady? God knows I've been there. But take a look at Jeremiah 18, where Jeremiah was told to go visit the potter in order to receive a word from the Lord. Verse 4 says "But the jar he was making did not turn out as he had hoped, so the potter squashed the jar into a lump of clay and started again." (NLT) Note that it doesn't say the potter squashed the jar and threw it out. It says he started again!

First, don't feel sorry for me or have pity. I'm not dying. I'm just saying that I'm not all jumping up and down about being single again either.


There are certain forms of companionship...a deep relationship with a physical side...that I can't (or rather choose not to) have outside marriage. Miss that.

Then there are just the times where I want to go out to eat at a restaurant instead fast food, but I'm not one who enjoys sitting at a table alone reading a book.

Or travels. I enjoy visiting national parks and hiking around the non-strenuous trails. Again, aside from the woman-alone-in-the-wilderness safety aspect in some of the parks, it would be really nice to have someone I felt close to there to enjoy the beauty and serenity of nature with me.

Or just take fishing. I like to fish, but it gets sort of boring just sitting there waiting for your line to go under. But zero of my personal women friends (again, of which I have few) like to fish. It seems to be a guy thing, which means it was always easier for me to do as a couple. I have not fished since my XH and I split up.

How about just a night at home watching a DVD and sharing popcorn?

I could go on.

Sure, I like the part about not having to answer to anyone. I have a peace I never had before. I could always paint my walls whatever color I wanted (because my XH never chose to offer input on anything--something that annoyed me about him).

But I do feel more tied down now, because of running after my teenage but not-yet-driving daughter to take her to school each morning, pick her up at noon, run her to dr/therapy/ortho. Pick her up from friends, and just generally be around in case she calls late on a Saturday night like she did a week ago and asked me to give her a ride because she wanted to go, and her friend had been drinking. All responsibility for everything falls on me, and because she spends no evenings or weekends with her father, there is never truly a break. You are right, I'm not chained to my home. But I never feel like I can get very far from it or commit myself to being unavailable for an extended period of time, especially in the evenings and at night. There is no one to lean on, no one to call for support.

On the other hand, when a man DV, most of them are freer than they were when they were married. It is hard, I have no doubt, for them to not see their kids as often and they'd give a lot to have it the other way, but lets face it, they have more time and opportunity (maybe not more money) than a recently DV woman (one with children) does.

I can understand why you feel more tied down.

Why are you? Why doesn't your daughter spend time with her father? I have read that during the teenage years a girls relationship with her father is even more critical than the relationship with her mother.

I know my situation is unusual, but my ex and I share 50/50 custody. I have the kids for a week, then he does. We live a few miles apart so commuting to school and events is not an issue. We are both flexible about the needs of the kids. If my son needs to spend an extra day with dad, no big deal.

Onc of the reasons I married my ex was because he would be (and is...) a good father.

I don't remember all the details, LL, so sorry -- but is your ex not a suitable parent? Or is he just not interested in being one?