If this is how he behaves before you are married - when he is presumably trying to make a good impression - what will he do after the wedding?

Lora I am so sorry I think the thread got a little wayward. I do apologize. I must say this is a very opionated topic. I need to sit down with STBH and discuss this with him. I am not opposed to porn, I am opposed to hiding it from me, and not being itimate with me, or at least tell me why so it can be worked on and understood.
Surgery might have something to do with it but honesty plays a big part in this. Sharing feelings.

Thank you all

I also agree that men DO refuse sex. Our sex life started before we were married...something I no longer agree with and intend not to do should I ever be fortunate to find someone else. In our teens when we were dating, it was 2-3 times per week. We were drunk. He was into kinky things. That was that.

We got married. Things changed. The long road of his resentment toward me, his increasing addictions to booze and to harder and harder porn happened, and during the last few years of our marriage, we had SF anywhere from once every 3 months to as far between as once every 9 months.

I tried. I told him I needed it. I tried to get him in the mood during the evenings, with touch and the like. But he purposely avoided me. He would avoid showering after coming home from his job as an auto mechanic. He would stay up watching TV, refusing to come to bed, until the wee hours, or he'd play his PS2, and then he'd crash and you couldn't wake him.

Or I'd try to wake him, and he'd grumble about how he had to work, or he'd curse at me and turn over so flat on his stomach I couldn't touch anything.

Yet he'd lock himself in the bedroom for hours from time to time viewing his very gross, hard-core, foreign porn complete with animals. He tried to show it to me a couple times. It was repulsive, and made me feel like I was nothing to him.

We are now DV. Test-driving before marriage did nothing but harm. Yes, when we DID have SF, he was very talented physically. But that wasn't enough to save things. Porn was easier for him, required no emotional commitment, and was apparently more exciting than me.

Given a second chance, I would take my chances and hold out until marriage, and I would make sure porn wasn't a factor. I firmly believe that if two people truly love each other for the right reasons, and if they've both been honest about being physically able to function, that their sex life will be just fine. I don't believe they will be incompatable.

Honesty and trust and respect for one another are the keys in my opinion. Not making sure you are sexually compatable before marriage.

Knight. I agree with Reborn. You are making some personal attacks and lecturing on morality. Reborn said absolutely nothing about you personally.

This is a very sensitive subject, and I think we all need to exercise tolerance and respect.

Your views are very well substantiated and thought out. I'm glad it works for you. I know others here share your position.

I happen to share Reborn's views.

This is all subjective and this isn't final Jeopardy where you get the correct answer at the end. You can't make everyone share your beliefs no matter how srongly you state them.

btw, dewey, sunny, LL,
thanks for sharing your experiences. It must have been very frustrating and disappointing to deal with your partner choosing porn over intimacy.
I guess it really illustrates how important it is to enthusiastically meet each others needs.

<<<Former sex addict would like to jump in here. Porn is one of the insidious, alluring temptations that can grab boys/men and hold them for life. It grabbed me at the age of 10 and held me captive until 46. It creates fantasy and takes away all intimacy. It creates a world of escape from our spouses when we just don't feel like sharing our emotions. Some men hide their use of porn fairly well, but the problem is still there. I did for a long time.

So the question remains, how do I keep from repeating the mistake?

Actually, for those addicted to porn there is usually some addict/co-addict tie. The addict may have had a habit of pulling back from their emotions, that would be a clue. The addict may need a level of reassurance that is a greater need that others. The addict seems confident, but then wants to rely on the spouses opinion. There are little clues along the way and what happens is the co-addict's personallity matches right in to fill the addicts void. So look at the places where you found youself filling in for your ex and those may be clues what to what out for in the future.

My thoughts...yes Porn can be addicting and it will lower the level of intamacy with a spouse unless it is shared.

In my case, Porn was used as a release in a passive/aggresive way. It was an escape since she continued to spend more than we made. I would argue we should wait and ultimately give in...I did it time after time. Then I justified Porn as my treat since I had given her what she wanted. I could go months without viewing any but the lure was always there.

I never turned my wife down for sex, and often intiated it the right way. We would brush past each other some mornings, have a quick nibble on the neck at lunch, etc. building to romance that night. After 20 years we stll were going pretty strong. This is the odd thing....when I looked at a Victoria's Secret Catalog I saw my wife in the outfit...not the model. Same with Porn....it was me and her doing it. Porn made me want to have more sex with my wife...not less. Was it better sex....no not really. We didn't discuss our needs and wants enough...in other words we weren't intimate.

The end result was that it made me think of her more as an object than what she is....a wonderful mother, friend. As Art said above it was used as an escape from my emotions and dealing with real life.

Unfortunately I didn't see the effect until the divorce was finalized. I wish the counseling, self-help books and long lonely nights of meditation had come before the end.