Thanks for your comments Bob.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

but....

Hey everyone

Miss you all - just wanted to pop in and let you all know real quick

Bob_Pure hit the nail on the head in his early posts to this thread

Hopefully one day I will be back on here - but right now - I still need to keep my distance...

Thanks to several of you who have been my anchors (sally <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) through this via phone and MSN

Hope all of you are well - you know how to reach me

-dorry

((((DS)))))

I am so sorry. How are you? How are the kids?

I am doing really well thanks Smur,


I have amazing support from my parents who are keeping me grounded and in God's ways. I have been able to process things, handle things, calmly and collected like I never thought I would be able to.

The kids haven't been as great - the stress of not being at home and not seeing Daddy has been tough on them - but they are getting lots of love and attention.

Still hoping for a reconcilation one day - but right now it's in Sprint's court and he has a WHOLE lot to sort out - and it wont begin on my part until he has figured a few things out...as we are starting to get settled here.

I miss you guys alot - haven't been in to read in awhile - catching up. Might not be back again for a bit...but wanted to read some updates and see how people are.

-dorry

I am very glad to hear that you are still continuing to process things, even given your present situation. Its strange how fear of the unknown can be so debilitating.

Maybe sometimes its better to know the worst because then you know that you can survive it and come out the other side.
That is great that you have support from your parents.
It must be really tough for your kids. I am sorry for them.

(((DS)))

DS I hate being proved right in this mire.

Anything I can do to help lemme know, useless though I am.

God Bless you

Thanks Bob

I still maintain my promise to him, not to voice our problems on the board, so I can't really talk about it ...but as I had started saying in Idiotville the days leading up to the seperation, the "night baby" phone messages, etc. It was her...he left so he could try things out with her. He called last night to confess and tell me it was over with her.

My heart breaks right now, but oddly enough due to all the spiritual growth I have experienced, I am not as emotional as I thought I would be. As much as I hurt, I have already started praying to the Lord to bring compassion and forgivness into my heart, and it's working.

Right now the ball is in his court...he doesn't know what he wants...and so I wait.

Remember saying this?

After that, Sprint said he would "never be a WS".

Now what? He granted your wish and began his own affair?

Study your own motives for saying what you did ... it's important for your personal recovery. I think I understand why ... but it's important you dig in and find the motive for wishing this to happen yourownself.

Pep

Pep - i didn't post alot of the week leading up to the day of seperation. This girl was already in his life, and he had already planned the trip to see her, telling me it was to see his brother...he has admitted this all to me, but I had already suspect

He did grant my wish - stupids words I said...and he wanted me last night to be angry with him, told me I needed some time to sift through this...and I told him as devestated as I am, I know where I am now, and what I want...and this may throw a bump into my goal, but goal is still there. And I am to be forgiven, then I must forgive as well.

I didn't really want this to happen - that day i was really hurt as I truely knew he was lying for his reasons for leaving, and lying about saying goodbye to that girl...as 3 days before we had agreed to reconcile and work on a friendship and romance, but he had to tell her it was over he said.

I am already saying more than I had planned on...I shouldn't be posting here about it because I said i wouldn't so - that's as much as I will post.

Hard for you guys to see how much more is involved without all the facts, and both our stories...but there is more than what was just posted in this thread...

I knew at the time his choice to leave me was for her, and he even says as much as of last night...he just felt if he left first, then it wouldn't be cheating...

-dorry

{{{Dorry}}} We are here for you and Sprint when he is ready.

Look at this ... your motive might be here.

Sometimes~~~~ (maybe you and maybe not)

if the wounded BS has his/her own A
it lightens the guilt-load for the original WS who had the first affair

now you both need forgiving ... therefore ...
it may make it easier for you to seek forgiveness

what bothers me about this is the score-keeping element ... which is a dangerous anti-integrity element in intimate relationships

... keep checking yourself for score-keeping... this is not where your personal integrity and personal recovery are to be born

stay strong ... work on your own issues first

Best wishes~~~

Pep

Hi, deeplysorry.

I see that sprint behaved as predicted. What an incredibly common thing to do.

I am sorry for your pain.

Quote:
======================================
And I am to be forgiven, then I must forgive as well.
======================================

I have similar concerns as Pep here. Two wrongs don't make a right, and I have personally walked through this one.

STOP HURTING EACH OTHER. That dynamic has played throughout your marriage. It is obvious in your interactions.

I am not going to write a lengthy 'guide' to your recovery, because, honestly, you two don't have a chance until you absolutely stop forever, the way you react to each other. Somewhere in your and sprint's heart, you once cared for each other. Both of you need to find that core of care, and learn to nurture it. Get professional help - BOTH of you.

BOTH of you get tested for STD's.

And finally for the quote above, neither one of you EVER earns forgiveness by repeating the others bad behavior.

Gimble

I have not seen Sprint in 2 weeks. And was tested for STD's after my affair - now it will be his turn to be tested if he decides he wants to reconcile.

As for the rest of what you posted Gimble - I wholeheartedly agree with you - we are stuck in a cycle of hurt - it's Sprint main excuse for looking elsewhere - we kept hurting eachother...he has to come to terms now with his relationships - and I am so sad that he has to feel what i felt, and so sad that I have to feel what he felt - I never ever wanted him to know the shame and remorse and guilt of being a WS, no more than I ever wanted to feel the pain of being a BS - this does NOT balance it out - it puts us further in the hole that we have to climb out of.

The biggest problem is - two of us have to GENUINELY want to work on it - he has not wanted to see councellors, or anything - he feels it will look bad on his medical record...I have seen councellors, and went towrads a spirtual councellor and joined a spiritual recovery group for people with co-dependencies, anger problems, etc - I have come a long way and as I said - have a long way to go. I continue this now here at my parents. - it doesn't end just because my marriage might - I have an example to set for my children, an example I was failing to set before all this.

Before the seperation I would react emotionally and hurt back when I was hurt. Last night i didn't Love bust when he confessed. I was proud of myself.

That is a big step for me.

There is alot I haven't posted about all of this for obvious reasons of Sprint asking me not to air our dirty laundry, but I will not treat him poorly during our recovery.

As for me feeling less guilty Pepper, as I got into a bit above - that's nuts - you took that one thing I said out of anger and took it out of context. It's what I hate about text the most - that things can be misinterpreted. But that's my fault for allowing myself to type what comes into my head instead of just stopping and thinking about things before I say or type them.

I am so disappointed that he didn't see how much my affair hurt both of us, especially him...that he would think his would be less significant. It doesn't make me feel better or even...it makes me so sad that we got to this point. He still doesn't know if he wants to reconcile - but I have had 7 months to pull my act together, deal with my personal issues and reset my priorities and goals. God, Kids, Marriage - those are my priorities - I want my husband, I want my marriage with him...I KNOW without a doubt know that I love HIM, and not the relationship.

I am in NO way a finished product and have years of growth ahead of me yet - but I am confindent in who i am and what i want at this point in my life. There is no having him do something to make me feel better about what I did - what I did was what I did and I have had to come to terms with it and it has NOT been easy to know how much I hurt him, especially when he reminds you day after day after day...it still breaks my heart knowing I am the one that hurt him and caused him all this pain, and contributed to where he is now - The forgiveness thing for his deeds came truly from my walk with God and not from an "we're even" stand point, or "now I am off the hook" cause personally those would be [censored] excuses and where would I be - I would be the same person I was 8 months ago in my A, a poor mother and a poor wife - both of which I have NO intentions of ever being again. And its no easy feat right now to try to give it all to God and forgive - I have waves of hurt today that are devestaing...but I keep trusting in God that there is something for me to learn beyond what I have already learned from my affair.

I KNOW two wrongs do not make a right and i realize how much further we are now in this mess - I am offended that you guys feel that i honestly think that way - that him having an affair would excuse mine, or cross mine out....I have taken FULL responsibility for my affair and haven't even shoved the blame for it off on him - EVER, and that will not change despite the new circumstance - but then again, I post little bits and pieces, and I did out of anger a few weeks ago wish he would have one...I didn't mean it. I was so devestated that he was leaving, as I knew about her...but had no definate proof.

This is why forums are so dangerous...and why I like to stick to REAL LIFE - things get so construed and people try to make things out of what they don't know all the facts for.

If you guys have futher questions about where my head is at - why don't you try e-mailing me or calling me, and I would be happy to talk about things.

-Dorry

*****

I wanted to add that my statement about being forgiven I have to forgive wasn't about Sprint forgiving me. I have learned that if I want to except God's forgiveness, I must forgive others...and if I do not, then I cannot accept God's forgiveness. This is what I meant by how can I be forgiven if I don't forgive - it had nothing to do with what Sprint forgives me for and what I forgive him for - he may NEVER forgive me, so be it - but if I am to walk with Christ, then I choose to forgive him with God's help.

- I am offended that you guys feel that i honestly think that way - that him having an affair would excuse mine, or cross mine out....

[b]I said I was not sure if it fit you or not (go back and look) ... I brought up a concept that I thought needed discussion ... and if this offends you, so be it. This was not an accusation but a concern, based on what YOU said. If it does not fit your situation, then good!

I see a lot of measuring going on in troubled marriages ... and NOT to discuss that possibility is foolhearty ... MY post-affair relationship was chock full of measuring ... and I can see in retrospect what a waste of time that was ... like taking a wrong turn.

Hope you recover everything you have lost ... and your family comes together for ever and ever....

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I totally agree.

Pep

Thank you for clarifying that Pep - I appreciate it

IMHO measuring or having a pissing contest on who hurt who more, or whos decision was worse than the other is a waste of time.

I am interested in applying new prinicpals, building from the ground up - it's what I have been waiting for 7 months...but I can't build a marriage alone.

He needs to be committed to making it work - in the beginning he was, and we were applying the MB prinicipals...but he wasn't really dealing with his issues, just trying to meet my needs...

He needs to do both...as i was doing both during the last 7 months...and only if we BOTH commit to those changes can this work...but you can force someone to want to take that risk and that is where he is at.

He would rather take a risk of a life alone or with someone else to risk the hurt in our marriage...and i still believe we could have a wonderful marriage one day if we truly made an DOUBLE effor at it and with the right things...

-Dorry

Dorry ...

This is the 6 month wall BS often crash into ... it's not a character flaw of your H.

I felt this way at around 6 months ... and I talked "divorce" more during that time frame than I did right after D-day.

Settle down and keep doing your own stuff. It ain't over yet.

Hope you believe me.

Pep

I do believe you Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know it's not over yet...

But I am at a point as well now, that I know I will be fine either way - reconciliation or no reconciliation - I know what I want, and have a goal...my husband and my marriage.

But in tackling my co-dependency issues, I have realized that i will be okay with out him too. And that life will go on, and I will survive, and not only survive, but do really well in life.

It's certainly no where near what i want, but it sure makes it easier to wait and hope and pray when you know you will be okay either way.

-Dorry

Bumping for WPG.

Dorry and Sprint reconciled after 4 weeks. He needed the time alone to realise how much he loved her and how much he loved they way he was when they were together.