Wife went out for the end of the school year party. She promised she would leave if the OM was there and she wouldn't speak to him. I had a friend go to the bar.

He called me and said she was sitting at a table with him by themselves. I tried to call her from 5:30 to 6:30 with no reply.

I went to the bar at 7:30 pm, she was sitting with a group of women. He was at the bar a few feet away. I walked up and told her that it was over, that I knew she had talked to him and that she obviously didn't leave. She said "OK".

I left and the called the OM's live-in girlfriend and informed her about what had taken place, plus additional information she didn't have.

Wife came home around 8:30pm, claimed she planned on telling me, but that I didn't give her a chance. That she told him that she was sorry that it had happened and that she was working on her marriage. (at least this is what she claims). She claims she finally got closure and that she was happy that she talked to the OM.

She now wants a divorce because I embarrassed her in front of her friends and spied on her again. She said I'm sneaky and lied to her about snooping and coming to the bar. Being around her right now is worse than being alone. She is calling her mom and whispering and crying about wanting out.

I have said that I would not take any more lies or promise breaking and she keeps doing it.

Can this be saved, should I want to?

I feel like I should be running to the attorney's office, but I also feel that I should have given her a chance to tell me what happened before I jumped off the deep end?

I don't know what to do, I feel like this was the final bomb/straw.

You handled it your way and now you want to save it? Will you please just stop for a minute and think. Forget anything she may say. It's all foggy BS anyway so who cares?

Don't go there with her. Say nothing else! More talk will only get you into more trouble. Now is the time when less is more. The less you say, the more you will be telling her about what she did.

Go dark! Please re-read my other post to you. Do not leave your home! Throw her stuff out of YOUR bedroom if you must anlet HER sleep onthe couch or what ever.

Meanwhile, you get busy and don't be around her. Let things cool off.

Coach

Get a lawyer right now! But don't start the divorce! Juat no what your entitlements. areDo you understand. Cool off! You've painted yourself into a corner now and youhave to follow through or you will never have any varcacity with this person again. So now the fats in the fire...back the f#ck off and give her the chance to come to you. Nothing else will make this work. Unless of course you want to be on your hands and knees to her for the rest of your life together.

I guess your title says it all. Sounds like she really blew it. I'm so sorry you're going through this (really sorry, because I am in a very similar situation, unfort.) I think what Coach says makes sense.

julie

Grove -- I wish someone had drilled it into your head that OF COURSE your WW was going to this party with the full intention of enjoying it with OM. Surely you didn't really believe otherwise -- ???

You did right with the PI/friend to verify things. Your WW was not going to tell you anything, of course. And now she is blaming you for "embarrassing" her. Yawn. It's all right out of the script.

I just wish you could have been prepared for this. Your WW is doing things EXACTLY according to the script. If you had understood this, you would not have been so surprised and unprepared.

For now, please follow Coach's advice. Anything less is only letting your WW control the show. You don't want that, do you?
Mulan

I know, I screwed up big time!! I wanted to get on here and post before I did anything, but I let my temper get the best of me.

I did listen and it seemed to work until she went out Friday. I thought we were a couple again, I got ahead of myself and got hurt!

I'll follow your advice. I'm sorry everyone, I do listen, I'm just not very good at implementing.

Grove -- *you* did not screw up. WW screwed up big time. Of course you wanted to believe what she was telling you. Of course you did. It's just that the objective viewpoint, like we have, clearly shows she was still up to no good. I am just sorry to see you get blindsided again.

Is it time for Plan B yet?
Mulan

You are getting good advice. But...stop beating yourself up. This is very emotional, so hard.

I found out my H had broken NC, 10 days after we renewed our wedding vows. Unfortunatelyy, I had not yet found MB, so I made a mess of confronting him, didn't know about FogBabble. It was not good.

But...

I learned, just like you're learning. I stepped back, just like you will. When he spoke FogBabble to me, I poked right through it.

Be strong. Talk to the lawyer. Keep sleuthing. Don't give ground. Assure her you love her, you just won't put up with lies, deceit.

Good luck!

Wait a minute, grove, you did not screw up here. Your W did. You busted her and she is mad. ["getting closure," indeed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />] But you are not the bad guy, she is. She is used to manipulating you and getting away with it, so of course she will be mad when you dare to defend yourself.

You need to get ready for Plan B, grove, or you really will destroy your marriage. Her flagrant disrespect and manipulative behavior is causing damage to your marriage that may not be recoverable if you don't protect yourself.

grove tucky ohio:

First,
Should she have went in the first place?
Well, NO ....but you have to begin to TRY & trust at some point.
(After all, You were providing her an "opportunity" to begin to rebuild that).
And you did the right part even with that: Trust BUT Verify!

In addition, you can't be her jailer or guard for the rest of her life.
So if she's going to continue in her behavior ....its much better that you at least KNOW about it.
NOT your Fault that she CHOSE to Blow IT!

NEXT:
I think you are NOT Hearing what is being related to YOU.

YOU DID NOT BLOW ANYTHING!
Your W is the one that has that Honor.

YOUR wife attempted to "play" you and she Got Caught.

Her "reaction" is what they all do when caught (once they can't lie their way out) ....they go on the ATTACK.

Just as your wife is blaming you.
Accusing you of "crimes" against her.
Using a good offense to cloud the issues and be her Best Defense.

As others have stated previously,
This is all normal behavior on her part.

Only problem is:
YOUR Buying into all her Bullsh*t!
Your "owning" all the misdirected BLAME being thrown your way.

Its not your Actions that need to change (IMO as they were OK) ...catching her in her lies, calling her on it and exposing her for the continued liar she is. All fine.
These are simply the consequences of bad behavior.

However, Its your Attitude that needs a slight adjustment.
Otherwise she's going to continue with the "games" and your going to continue to end up on the short end of the stick by falling for them.

(Dang the rest of you type much faster than me ...sheeesh).

Good post, toprope, He is so used to being played, and blamed for her shortcomings, that he doesn't even recognize wrongful behavior when he sees it. He thinks he is the bad guy for catching her. Amazing.

Kid,
Don’t beat yourself up! Learning about this stuff isn’t something that any rational person would ever want to do. What’s happening in your life right now is so outside the bounds of civil rational behavior…Normal and rational people don’t get themselves trained to deal with the lying and cheating that comes from the source where your protection is suppose be in reside. So why would you be able to implement the techniques required to deal with this kind of infamy?

The sad truth is however, that you’re going to have to learn…you’ve been given no choice…so the thing that’s most important is for you to learn quickly and well. And one of the best ways to learn is to keep one’s mouth shut, to listen and observe.

Young man, know one knows where this sad road will end up taking you…toward that end no one has any control. But what you can control is how well you make the journey and how much better a person you become at the end of the road you’re forced to take. My advice to you is to hunker on down and don’t fight it. Lets all of us take this road together and see if we can’t end up in a better place then where we began.

You are not alone. Take heart in that fact. You have love and support in this sad place. Stay with us, listen and learn. Become better and grow to be more then you are. Truly, everything will be alright.
Coach

Thanks everyone. I really did need some support. My wife is getting a great deal of support from her family and friends, and I really don't have anyone to share this with.

I feel like I'm right back at day one after d-day. My wife is behaving like she did a few weeks after the initial shock of being caught. She's in a fog and behaving rudely towards me.

I just can't understand how anyone could lie and betray the person they claim to love so often and with so little thought. This is the woman that I've been with since I was 17 years old, what happened to her; to us. She was and unfortunately still is the love of my life, but I can't take any more of her lies and betrayals. I can't live with her and I don't want to live without her.

I'm back to being depressed and fits of anger and even crying. It's very embarassing and I feel ashamed. I'm out of the anti-depressants I was on (and I was doing ok), but now I'm back to feelling like "poo" all the time.

I will go back to the 180 for now, but I really do want off of this ride and out of this circus. I believe that I deserve better than this.

Thanks again, it was really nice to read some of the post. I needed the support!!!!!

REPEAT...SHE BLEW IT...SHE BLEWS IT.

The OM and her were there ON PURPOSE!

It is CLASSIC WS/OP BS THAT THEY ARE FEEDING YOU.

Blaming YOU for something SHE DID.

My xh once went thru my purse LOOKING FOR SOMETHING...He found a business card w/name of a friend of mine from college on it (this was after d day 1 and we were on a "romantic trip" to supposedly rekindle our marriage in Key Largo)...HE WENT BALLISTIC AND THREW MY PURSE against a wall...for nothing...for thinking he found something...affair-ish. And blamed me for having the card in my purse.

Later on, when D Day number 3 or was that 4 arrived, I intercepted an email from ow1 as she landed from a tryst with my then H in Miami....I busted him with only the facts and HE FLEW INTO ANOTHER RAGE...THIS TIME ABOUT DISRESPECTING HIS PRIVACY...and that he wanted a divorce!

DOES THIS CRUD SOUND FAMILIAR GTO?

GroveTuckyOhio...she's playing the WS/SNOOPING/INVADING MY PRIVACY card...and it's a buncha crap!

YOU proved her to be a liar once again. SHE FELT SHE IS JUSTIFIED TO HAVE HER TRYST BY YOU SPYING ON HER...

what part of wrong does she not understand?

SHE SHOULD BE KISSING YOUR TOES THAT YOU CHOOSE TO REMAIN MARRIED TO THIS TRAMP! Sorry to call you wife this, but SHE IS BEHAVING AS ONE!

Do you get it now? She's lying to cover her own A.

She spews "I am TRYING TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE.." on one hand and then says "I WANT A DIVORCE" because you snoop and did not respect her privacy.

SHE WILL EARN PRIVACY AND RESPECT BY ACTING WORTHY OF BOTH.

Imho...it should BE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT THIS CRUD ANYMORE IN YOUR LIFE...let her squirm...

AND FACE SOME DARN CONSEQUENCES FOR HER HORRIBLE BEHAVIOR FOR ONCE OK?

Just a little update.

I really didn't follow any plan today. Got up, wife asked what we were going to do, I told her I didn't really know. I wasn't sure if we even had a marriage anymore to work on. We cried together, admitted we love each other, but that we have different expectations from a marriage.

My wife took our daughter to a class. She called on the phone and asked me to go to a graduation party with her and her family. I went, it went ok, I basically took care of my daughter while she talked to people.

On the way home she asked me to go to a cookout that her brother's friend was having, I said I wasn't sure, but if she wanted me to go, I would.

We talked a little more, we agreed that we would not pursue a divorce or even talk about it until after July. Mainly for our daughter's sake, and our's too. We agreed that I would not bring up the affair during this time and that she would have absolutely NC with the OM, or any other inappropriate contacts. She said she would never cheat on me again.

I'm still working on the 180 Coach and others have suggested, and will give this a shot. I really have no desire to put my daughter through a divorce or myself for that matter. The thought of only seeing my daughter a couple times a week is horrible.

She still doesn't believe she did anything wrong Thursday night, and now wishes she would have just told me that the OM might be there, she wouldn't leave if he was and that if they have contact it would be brief.

Grove,
I'm with the others. The absolutely only thing you blew WAS HER COVER. Your gut told you something was wrong when your heart didn't want to believe and you RIGHTLY did some recon.

The 180s are great, I used them to help strengthen MYSELF. I only chose those 180s I KNEW I would want to continue for the rest of my life. I stopped all waiting by the phone, ended unsolicited affection, I began a social life outside of the home, I continued work on a Bachelor's degree that my H had helped end, I lost weight, took better care of my home changed things about my appearance I had always disliked (boring wardrobe), etc...

In my case, making myself stronger, learning to believe in myself, is what eventually helped lead into a marital recovery. However, I had an advantage that you do not have- a spouse that admitted they had done something wrong and did not try to pin the blame on me.

Until you have a spouse that is willing to see that YOU are not responsible for their actions, you have very little hope of a real recovery.

Unfortunately, because you are a good man who loves his wife and could not stand up to her (the EXACT same thing I did on after my first Dday), she was able to manipulate you for another year. You are doing her a disservice by letting her continue to blame you for her misdeeds. You are doing yourself more harm by even allowing her to place the blame at your feet.

I think your biggest 180s should be to stand up to her- no matter what she threatens you with. If she starts shrieking about a divorce, please hand her a card from a lawyer that you contact THIS WEEK, and tell her to send everything there. Remove her items from your bedroom. Think of yourself as a fortress- she can't get in without the correct behavior.

When you set a boundary and she crosses it- ENFORCE it... also a 180 you seem to have been unable to follow through with. This was also one of the biggest mistakes I made at first-- letting fear of the end of my marriage make me feel helpless to enforce my own terms.

The other 180 would be to accept that she is a person more than willing to lie to you. I can see you do not want to believe that the woman you love would be willing to inflict more pain by her selfishness. However, she is.

Put together a plan... you need a good solid one. One that allows for a possible recovery, if that is what you want, and one that allows you an escape route with dignity. Then stick to the plan! Try to consider all options and variables so you don't feel out of whack and clueless when susrprises hit you.

My marriage recovered and we even have a new child arriving this month-- but I still follow my 180s and I still have a solid plan of action should my husband ever repeat the past. This strengthens me AND my marriage.

grove, I am not trying to discourage you, I think the 180 degree plan is great, but your plan only puts the problem off until "after July." You see that, don't you? You are not in recovery. There is no plan here for recovery, in fact, you have negotiated away one of the main points that would facilitate recovery: discussion of the affair. I don't know why you would do that since it is detrimental to your marriage.

In order for your marriage to ever recover, you need 2 things: the truth about the affair and a commitment to never contact the OM again.

Putting off the inevitable will not solve the problem and I am concerned that the situation only gets worse the longer it is put off. Do you really believe that she will somehow be willing to discuss the affair after July? I don't believe it for a minute.

I will tell you what is really happening here. Your wife is scared because you have busted her. That shook her up because she is not used to seeing you stand up against her. Becasue of that, she offered you a crumb. That crumb being her willingness to not threaten divorce if you agree to shut the hell up. You took the crumb, probably out of some misplaced guilt for daring to bust her. That crumb will not solve the problem, grove.

See, she does not want to lose you. But she also does not want to lose the OM. And knows she can get away with keeping both by threatening divorce. She knows that will shut you up real quick.

And what am I suggesting? I am suggesting that you have a heart to heart with her and tell her that your marriage cannot recover unless you have the truth and unless she ends contact with the OM. Tell her that you do not agree to "not talk about" the truth, that you have a right to know the truth about YOUR LIFE. Now, she may not agree to do this, but you must set your boundaries, grove, and stop allowing her to manipulate you so badly. You might have bought some temporary peace, but at great cost, grove. You have surrendered for no apparent reason.

BAM !!!!!!!!! Bullseye....DING DING DING....

That is a some dang good advice and analysis of the situation BY Melodylane. For a Texan I am very impressed.

In all seriousness, to the original poster, there is NOTHING more that needs to be said than what ML said regarding your situation. She summarized it so well, I don't have a thing to add. Please realize the price you are paying for this "temporary" reprieve. The interest payment alone will probably cause you bankruptcy.

LM

***We talked a little more, we agreed that we would not pursue a divorce or even talk about it until after July. Mainly for our daughter's sake, and our's too. We agreed that I would not bring up the affair during this time and that she would have absolutely NC with the OM, or any other inappropriate contacts. She said she would never cheat on me again.***

Grove, you are buying her bullsh*t AGAIN. All she has done here is manipulate you into not bothering her about her affair for at least another couple of months. Now she can enjoy her cheating in peace for at least that long. Is that what you wanted?

Why on earth are you believing one word that comes out of her mouth? She has shown you repeatedly that she will lie, lie, lie and lie some more. In return, you have shown her that you will roll over and meekly accept whatever outrageous "deal" she wants to make with you today in order to keep the peace.

And you wonder why nothing changes here?

***I'm still working on the 180 Coach and others have suggested, and will give this a shot.***

Okay, that's good, but hey -- don't just "give it a shot." As Yoda said, "Do, or do not. There is no try." This is too important to just "try."

***I really have no desire to put my daughter through a divorce or myself for that matter. The thought of only seeing my daughter a couple times a week is horrible.***

Your WW knows this and is using your daughter to hold you hostage against the most outrageous behavior. How long are you going to let your WW do this?

Beyond this, please read LemonMan's post again in its entirety. And again, and again.
Mulan

I don't know if I'm exactly rolling over, I'm just trying to figure out what to do. Should I stay or should I go? Will she change, she says she doesn't think she needs to. "The affair is over and I'm acting like an idiot, or something close to that."

I'm not sure it matters much now. She's ready to file the papers. Whether she will go through with it, I'm not sure, but I think she has the support of her family, so that might help influence her decision.

We can't talk and we're just drifting further and further apart. This is the so hard. It's like living with a total stranger. I have to be honest, I don't want to be married to this person, but I do want to be married to the woman I originally fell in love with.

GROVE:

THE AFFAIR IS NOT OVER

THAT'S WHAT WE ARE TRYING TO TELL YOU

THAT'S WHY YOUR "WIFE" SEEMS LIKE A TOTAL STRANGER

SHE *IS* A TOTAL STRANGER

SHE IS NOT YOUR WIFE -- SHE IS YOUR WAYWARD WIFE

BIG DIFFERENCE

WHY DO YOU KEEP BELIEVING HER WHEN SHE SAYS THE AFFAIR IS OVER???

IT'S NOT OVER

YOU ARE JUST SETTING YOURSELF UP TO BE DEVASTATED *AGAIN* WHEN YOU FIND OUT SHE'S LYING *AGAIN*

WHY DO YOU KEEP BELIEVING HER WHEN SHE SAYS THE AFFAIR IS OVER???
Mulan