Caren,

I'm pretty angry myself right now, so I don't know if I can be of much help.

I'm sure there are books out there that could help you with anger management issues.

But, why not do this? Think about how you could have handled the past situation differently, with better results. Then decide how to handle similar situations better the next time they occur.

OK, you found something in your H's pocket that showed contact with OW, and you immediately went on the offense. You ANGRILY confronted him while he was in the shower, and ended up slapping him and getting slapped in return.

New scenario: You find the note. H is in the shower. Do nothing at that moment, except maybe freeze in place. THINK about your options, and try to calm yourself down. If you can't calm yourself down enough to control your temper upon confrontation, calm yourself down enough to call out in a normal voice, "I'm going for a walk. I'll be back in a little while." If you can't do that, leave a note. Then, GO for the walk, and don't come back until you're calm and have a plan for confrontation without losing it.

If you can't confront him without losing it, write him a note. Make it a NICE note. Say something like,

"Mark,

I'm a little too upset to talk right now, but I need to let you know that I found the note from OW in your pocket. I need to know what that is about, and I need you to understand that I will not deal with her being in our marriage in any way.

What is your plan for eliminating contact with her and getting her out of our marriage for good? I would like for you to get your car out of her garage and write her a no-contact letter.

Please let me know what you plan to do about this as soon as possible, so I can think about what I want to do.

Love,
Caren"

Then, develop a spine of steel and learn to control yourself, as you cannot control him. Physical fights are not a display of strength; they are a display of lack of self-control. The next time you see him, just keep your hands in your pockets, and keep this thought running in the back of your mind, "I will control MYSELF!"

As for his calling you names, practice saying, "Mark, I am your wife, and I find it very disrespectful to be called such ugly names."

Also, before responding to anything he says, make a habit of taking a deep breath and actually THINKING of a proper response before answering.

I used to yell a lot, but I very rarely do that anymore. I have learned to "ice up" to a certain extent when I'm angry. I become super courteous in my responses, speak in a civil tone of voice, but keep on doing whatever I was doing before I became angry. H doesn't seem to know how to handle that, since I'm not giving him anything that he can use to justify calling me names or insulting me so bad that he reduces me to tears. It is totally different from the way I've reacted in the past.

Anyway, look for books with advice on the subject, since you can't afford the counselling. I'm still trying to find what works best for me.

LC-

I appreciate you stopping to advise me, when you are also having difficulties.

You're correct, I just need to stop and think, and not let anger overtake me.

I'm my own worst enemy most of the time.

I'm working on it though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Believer-
I haven't looked into church groups, but I'll do that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again.

-Caren

Caren,

Last time you and I ever posted was some time ago. As I recall, we even crossed the swords a bit. I haven't been watching too many threads, but a few of your posts have caught my eye. Not that I am necessarily the greatest judge, but your "tone" between then and now has greatly changed.

Not sure where you are going, or even where you want to go, but from someone who hasn't followed that closely, the difference between "then" and "now" is remarkable.

NCWalker

Caren,

I definitely agree wholeheartedly, and have thought so for some time now.


Froz

Caren,

I have to agree also. While we jumped all over you for what you did, I also want you to know that you have made HUGE strides since i first met you on here.

This is a process. The Lord promised to walk with you, not to take it all away. This will take time. The affair, your anger. All will take time.

So, while you ned to concentrate on your anger right now, I also do not want you gettng depressed because you feel like a failure. You are not. You have been working very hard and making incredible strides (when I first met you, your house was a wreck!!) Cut yourself some slack, learn from these mistakes...and do better next time.

In His arms.

Yes. When I "met" you Caren, you were stocking the OW with hate emails and suicidal. You were living and acting in complete chaos with no direction what so ever.

What a complete difference between then and now. You are getting it, and you are growing to become what you were meant to become which is a woman of great strength and internal peace.

Lifelong habits and ways of reacting based on fear are very hard to change, but you are changing them. Keep at it.

And I am trying to do the same. And I have been through this at various times in my life already, but backsliding temporarily ( years/months in my case but only for a few moments in yours) into a life of no direction and Godlessness is part of our journey.

It just means "oops, choose again".

I appreciate the encouragement from you all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know I was a wreck when I first came here, and I hadn't thought much about it, but it would be hard not to be better than *that*...lol.

Things are going okay for the moment. He still comes home in a *mood* from work....I have learned to just leave him alone, let him work through it. He always has sorta taken job stress out on me, but I have always buzzed around him like a retard asking about his day...etc.

I have been expressing my feelings more, instead of getting angry, for instance, his co-worker was talking about quitting, and he was upset about it, and mentioned it to me, and then stopped short and said "No, I'm not going to tell you because I don't want it getting back to him" I said "Honey, I never say anything when you ask me not to" But he decided against telling me, so I let it go. A few days later he was talking on the phone to his Mom's boyfriend, and telling him about the situation, and also about some things that are going on with his DS15. (DS15 is in inpatient drug treatment for 6 months, and he wrote a letter to FWH that said it was *for his eyes only*).
I told FWH that I was sorry that he felt he couldn't confide these things in me, but that I was always there if he needed me.

FWH has been doing some little things that I think are probably good signs, he has been calling me just to see what I'm doing, he's been rubbing his foot on me when we're sitting on the couch (before he was very stand offish, except for SF), he's been sleeping with his arm around me at night, kissing me before he leaves for the day, returning my ILY's about 1/2 the time now, and last night he stopped after work and brought me home my favorite ice cream....which I made sure I made a big deal about.....I said "Mmmmmmmmm Thank You So Much" while I was eating an ice cream cone.

Maybe things are looking up.

-Caren