Found,

There are some people who think they always have to have "somebody" in their lives.

For instance, one of my H's nieces made the remark that if anything ever happened to her H or they were to ever split up, she'd be with somebody else ASAP. She said that she just always wants and needs a man in her life. Now, this niece does not appear to be a "desperate" type of woman. She is beautiful, takes care of herself, is strongly opinionated and a real "take-charge" type of person. I have no doubt that she could manage just fine on her own; yet, she thinks she "needs" a man in her life? I don't really understand that thinking.

Anyway, you may be right in your thinking about her being co-dependant. Maybe she's realizing the possibility, too.

I don't really know enough to be able to comment, but you may be right about her being co-dependant and trying to make sure she has a "backup" man in case your marriage doesn't work out.

BTW, I agree with Mortarman...get your ducks in a row, including filing for temporary custody of your children, and EXPOSE.

Foundareason-
Hope you don't mind me coming in this thread. Thought I should check in on you after meeting you in another... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are getting fantastic advice from Mortarman and WAT. You are handling yourself extremely well- you sound very strong. From what I've read, you aren't doing anything out of vindictiveness. Its clear you love your wife and want only the best for your marriage.

I do find it funny that your wife is reading a "Codependent No More" book, yet suggests you continue to live together to support her while she does what she pleases. Sorry, it gave me a chuckle.

I'll check in on you again soon. My H has to work all day so I better go spend some time with him before he leaves.

Keep up the good work, you're doing fine!

Hi FAR,

I too came over to check in.I still think that exposure needs to be done.I can understand why Dr.Harley would advise differently BUT,how can you draw back a WW who is emotionally GONE? That to me sets up the fence sitting scenario again if anything and at this point,I would think a tactical move of busting up the fantasy and secrecy is critical.The OM's W needs to know so that explosion may ripple through and affect the A.

Again, the spiral out of exposure to all concerned.In one day,you tell those who have the utmost chance of altering the effect of the A.Then in the next few days,other's, watching the reactions.Planning.

I know we have all been throwing a lot at you in terms of suggestions but weigh in on it all and do what you feel is right.

Much luck and support~

O

Exposure is critical...ESPECIALLY to the OMW. She could be your greatest ally without even realizing it.

Ladies - you are always welcome here. As a matter of fact, I need you. I listen carefully to what every person says here, but I have been counseled by mainly brothers to this point. I have actually been wishing for the input of a woman or two.

Thanks for your words of encouragement. Boy, do I need it right now. The emotions I have felt - the lack of appetite - all of it.

Again.

FAR

And I appreciate the women that have posted throughout this time.

THANK YOU!!

FAR

Ok - here is what I have so far:

1. plan of action:
Step 1:
Arrange financial backing for counseling and attorney

Step 2:
Consult with Steve Harley
Tell ****’s wife and anyone she suggests. Determine if that will cause no contact
Tell WW’s family and determine if that helps NC

Step 3:
Tell the board of directors at the theatre and the cast – ask for support with saving family


2. Letters to OM and OMW

OH boy, is that all!?!?

I guess I need : letter to MIL and FIL and SIL and aunts

Letter to WW


What else?

Gonna consult with SH on Tues. Might drop the nuke tues afternoon, if I can contact OMW.

More info - she is getting needs fulfilled all over the place. She went to dinner last night with a buddy of hers she met when he was a patient at the hopspital. There does not seem to be anything there except companionship (I know that is not all that HE wants). She also has been hit upon by a nice guy from upstairs, and is emailing him back and forth. Friendly stuff, but I can tell they have discussed serious philosophical stuff.

I know she seems like a flake and I should just be happy she wants to leave, but when she is not acting like an ALIEN she talks with ME about all of this stuff. She really is a TREASURE!

I know she is in a fog, and searching for the right soul mate. I know that I can be that. She does not.

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I made spaghetti and sauce for her tonite, with a new wine she really has liked. She really enjoyed the meal. Then went to lay by herself. She WIGGED when I took even her socks off tonite.

Been thinking about your situation and even discussed it with my H. Don't worry its not a waste of my time as Im just waiting to go into labor, so I have huge amounts of time on my hands. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> So hey, here's a longish post to you from me, because I have nothing else to do... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I thought about whether or not I would have wanted to catch my H in the act during his affairs. The emails your wife and the Taster (I love that nickname) have shared do point to a PA. However, they can play the same card I was dealt by my H-- it was all fantasy, nothing outside of kissing and making out happened (like that matters!), it was all a stupid game... I heard all of that. One of the girls had no clue he was married, he told her he was getting divorced, even went so far as to promise to bring his legal paperwork with him(!) the next time he was in town (she lived a state away in the same city as his mom). When I found out, he had to call her in front of me and confess to being married and the father of a new baby girl (our daughter was 2 months old). I knew she was clueless when I heard the poor girl crying her heart out on the phone. I did speak to her (I felt awful for her, can you believe I apologized to her for my husband's actions???). She assured me that they never went beyond some kissing and heavy petting. So, questions answered on that one.

The last affair ocurred on his re-enlistment after 9/11. I didn't find out until it had been physically over for 13 months (we had gone to Guam)...it was continued in pathetically few and simple emails after reconnecting about 9 months before I found out. Both of them were playing games with the other-- major ego stroking going on with no substance at all. Now, he only confesses to making out with her in her car about three times. When I contacted her- by finding an email she sent with her number in it after my D-day (thanks God!) she at first, with no prompting from me, claimed a few makeout sessions in her car. So I thought, ok, they didnt have sex, I feel slightly better. However, when she found out he'd been trolling dating sites for women in her duty station's area, and that we were not seperated (typical story of his) and I was right there in Guam with him the whole time they were emailing each other, she suddenly blurts out that yes, they had sex once in the back of her car. "And he wasn't even very good." (I rolled my eyes on that one, beacuse I knew she was hoping Id repeat that gem to hubby-- I NEVER DID) It did land a nice slap in my face though, because I was faced with the question of whether they did or they didn't. I know it doesn't really matter,but in my heart I always wonder. When he heard that she said that he was so LIVID, that I was dying to believe him. Its one of the many mysteries I've chosen to accept and move on with.

But if I had the chance to know the real truth...would I take it? I thought about this and my answer would be YES. Because then I wouldnt wonder if he's trying to 'protect' me (gag) or if she was just trying to hurt me (and him). I know a part of me is still angry that this question hangs there for me.

So, Im wondering... are you going to let them have their meeting on the 18th and be there to see it with your own eyes and get concrete proof so they can't 'play' you to their advantage? Because if I had a chance to know that my H would be with XXXX on such and such date and a certain time and place, I think I'd take it so I would know with no lingering questions and no ability to gaslight. My decisions would be based on facts, not gut feelings or weird vibes.

Sorry this is so long. I've got a touch of insomnia. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I do not know how to get a picture inside a closed hotel room.
We see it on TV, but can that really happen? They are not going to give me the room #. Or would showing up in the hotel with his wife be enough? Just she and I there watching him and her walk through together.

I really do not want to let it happen. But that is the feeling in me, not the disconnected me just doing my job of saving my marriage.

So are you saying that you would feel better if you KNEW? I already know that she f%$@ed OM1. She came right home and told me. She told me before the trip that she was going to tell him goodbye. She didn't tell ME goodbye that way. Then it continued for a few more months. The only reason it died is because he wanted her to take the kids from me and move back to Texas and she would not. Or as my atty pointed out - she did the research and found out she could not move away with the kids.

I bet my insomnia is bigger than your insomnia!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Did you know that Subway opens at 8am?? Figured that one out 6.8 years ago. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi, found.

Quote:
==============================
I know she is in a fog, and searching for the right soul mate. I know that I can be that. She does not.
==============================

You do know that Plan A is not about being a doormat. Did you have anything to say regarding her dinner with a male friend, or her banter with the other guy(s).

You can't control her, but you certainly do NOT have to condone her behavior. That includes baby sitting for her when she is doing things that she shouldn't be doing. Just because she is stupidly wayward does not give her special dispensation from normal familial responsibilities.

One other thing. Stop doting. If she can 't cover herself before she goes to sleep, or pull off her socks, then let her sleep cold. No princess treatment.

Give and take is good, as long as it is both ways. Your wife already feels entitled to a single lifestyle while you take care of the kids. Make sure you don't feed it. If she isn't home when you make a meal for the kids, toss her portion in the trash unless you routinely keep leftovers, in that case, put it in the fridge, but don't fix it when she gets home, she can do that for herself.

I am not telling you to be mean. I am telling you to be strong.

God bless,
Gimble

Thanks. I will chew on all of that.

FAR

OK - WW threw up the smokescreen yesterday. Seems the cast from the show - and the director - were invited to come see a show in LA on Saturday- the same show that they did last month. She wil be gone most of the day, but will be back that evening.

Funny - I thought whe sas going to a ball game and to spend some quality time in a hotel.

I am planning on contacting OMW tomorrow.

If, in fact, the cast is really going to LA - should I call some of them and ask them to watch for funny business - just to put pressure on from another angle?

MM - I read your post to Gramn. I am following his post closely. Thanks for the encouragement.

FAR

I say no, unless you have a trusted friend among the group. Based on your previous descriptions, you don't. Asking a "stranger" who is likely a friend of your wife's is a recipe for ridicule and gossip that turns you into an axe murderer. Oh, and you'd be a "stalker", too.

Would this be an overnight trip?

WAT

Not an overnight trip - but an all day trip. No sleeping. I know they have a room booked in a hotel, and have communicated about the lingerie and shoes she will be using. I have to be at work at 7am the morning after, and she does not like to be away from the kids overnight.

Part of her problem that I have seen that she will not own up to is that she is afraid to get away from the kids. She is bossed around by the 3 year old, and does not make them eat what they should, and gives them too much candy. My hands are tied - if I say no, they run to her. She has many issues.

But for some reason I can not explain, I still want this family to be whole. To work. I can still forgive her and love her.

I want to show my son that some men do not leave. I want to show my daughters what kind of man they should look for.

But WW is making huge withdrawals FAST! It is amazing me how much less love I am feeling for her, how I am wondering if her leaving will actually ba a good thing.

OK I will disclose to OMW tomorrow, and then to her family. I wil probably petition his peers to encourage him to allow my family a chance to make it by butting out, but later in the week.

Oh - I have an appt. with Steve at 5am tomorrow morning.

I suggest you not make any more moves until you talk to Steve tomorrow. Having an early appt. means it'll have a better chance of being on time. He can get behind later in the day.

To save time with Steve and get the most for your $$, bone up on Plan A fundamentals and basics of lovebusters. He'll quiz you in order for him to assess your level of understanding. Be prepared to self-identify the ENs of your wife you were not meeting. Fill out the EN questionaire as you think your wife might do it. Fill one out for yourself as well.

He may ask something along these lines - "If your wife is draining your love bank and doesn't act like she wants to be your wife any longer, why are you trying to save the marriage?" Your answer, which you articulated in so many words above > "Because I believe in the potential for a happy marriage and family."

WAT

I have diarrhea. My pants do not stay up. My stomach develops knots when I think about the affair. I can not sleep. I do not eat. I wake up at 4am when I finally do sleep. My job is not being tended to. I obsess at this site!


I am a mess, but she sees me being strong for the kids. We made a cake, and they decorated it for the birhtday party yesterday. We got her some shoes. (they were too small - we need to trade them.)

I will be ok, though.

This is a letter that I am typing to give my WW after I expose.

Please let me know if I should change anything. I am still working on it and editing it.

My dearest WW –

If you are still in there, please know that I am fighting for you. It seems you have been taken over by an alien. It was hard to tell at first, but has become more obvious lately.

Keep in mind that as we look at this alien, we still see you. It has inhabited your body, and adopted most of your personality. I think I may be the only one that knows that you have been inhabited and suppressed by this creature.

This alien seems bent on destroying our relationship. But it is also affecting who you are. It has suppressed you so much, but went undetected for a long time.

The alien is also trying to destroy your acting career.

Most importantly, though, the alien is trying to destroy our children. It is attempting to teach our kids poor judgment, by setting examples. It has tried to teach them that if a relationship becomes difficult, that you should try to get the needs met by someone else – rather than by your spouse. It is trying to teach them that selfishness – making yourself happy first, is the way to handle a marriage. It is trying to teach them that it is ok to lie to your family and your husband, so that you can feel good. It trying to teach our daughters that marriage vows are until you feel different. It is trying to place a precedent in their lives that will almost definitely affect their own marriages!! We have the opportunity to show them how to recover from marital difficulties, and then teach them how to make sure it does not happen to them! The alien is trying to teach them that it is ok to fool around with another woman’s man. It is trying to teach them that it is ok to lie and cheat, so that you can feel good.

I have learned something from this alien, though. It has made me discover who I am, who I want to be. I want to be your husband, WW, and keep my promise. I have changed. I have seen the places where I was not succeeding, and I have changed. I have given up a career for you. I have become a listener to you. I have taken charge of the finances for you.

WW – you are acting single. You are not. You have a family you made a promise to. You have a husband you made a promise to. You are asking me to meet some of your needs, but not allowing me to meet all of them. Meanwhile, you are specifically not meeting mine. I am asking you to at least try to make it work. Spend some time with me and the counselor. That way you, like I, will be able to say “I did everything I could to save the marriage.” Give our kids one more chance at a whole family.

You have not done that, yet.

Whachu think??