Sounds good!!

WAT - I did not mean to leave you out. Thanks for your post. No follow up scheduled, yet. I'm just gonna wait to see what she does next.

Yes - you guys prepared me for her response. Boy was I suprised - she had her lines perfect. She is usually slow at learning her lines.

Scorched earth would be SO MUCH MORE FUN!!!!!

Gotta follow that little voice. How can such a BIG GOD speak with such a nearly imperceptible voice?

I guess it is me that is unable to hear it resoundingly.

I will certainly not attempt to compete with the H's advice on exposure. But this means that you do not inform OM's wife - arguably, your moral duty. I guess you can inform her later after your wife comes to.

I think it's equally possible your wife is using Mr. Taster-Geezer more than he's using her. He specifically is not a threat. He represents a general threat, which could also mean you might ultimately have more than one OM's W to inform.........

WAT

You know...strength is not always using your power. Does that make any sense? Let me give you an example.

A British writer wrote this article a year after 9/11/ I am putting it here to let you know that many times, it is the restraint of power that shows who you really are. As you have said, you hold all of the cards now. She has a pair of 2's (right, 2Long??) Anyway, see how the U.S. "could have" fought the war on terror:


In His arms.

OK - she told OM (via email) that I figured it out from circumstantial evidence. Told him she did not admit it. She told him that she thinks it is time to start looking for a lawyer. I have started to log her drinking each evening. I will get the book mortar suggested, and start the process to make a case for the kids.

She talk about my self riteous control and manipulation. She does not want to go on the trip saturday, b/c she is afraid I will contact OMW. She said I am showing my obsessive and mean spirited side. She claims I am cloaking it in a "for the children" mantra.

She said "I am shaking because I do not know what to do next"

Oh - apparently his wife is having tests done at the hospital. She offered to listen to him if he wants to talk about it.

Straight from the script.

Very confirmatory to me - confirming she's "normal."

Have you secured your jointly held liquid assets?

Of course, it goes without saying that you should make copies of all this type evidence and secure in a safe place.


A dern good reason to expose, IMHO. Stick with Steve's advice, though. Did he ask you to contact him if something significant happens? This would be one of those times, I believe.

WAT

Would be laughable if this werent so serious. All fog talk, FAR.

This is very good. She has no plan and admitted such. And she is scared. You need another session with SH ASAP to discuss the next round.

Wonder what kind of tests?

Oh, and unless you choose to expose to OMW anyway, what are you going to do (other than secure jointly held assets)? Seems like you ought to do nothing and let her shake and let OM worry if you're going to contact his wife.

No need to hurry up and do anything. Time is on your side.

WAT

Thanks. I will open a new bank account today. Jut got paid - she could carve into it if she wanted to.

I can't remember - have you consulted an attorney?

Be aware that changing your family financial structure will push her away as much as exposure will. No different. If your advice from Steve was to avoid ANYTHING that will piss her off, i.e., not limited to exposure, maybe you ought not to do anything with your finances right away. Sorry to seem wishy washy here.

Mortar, Gimble?

WAT

Hi, found.

My definition of doting as it pertains to a wayward spouse goes something like this;
"Doting: Non-recipricated shows of affection or service for which the wayward spouse feels entitled."

Example. If you always rub her feet, and it is expected of you to do so, then stop doing it.

Part of the beauty of Plan A, is learning to gift your wayward spouse not with what they demand, but with what they need.

This is also why it is important to understand her needs, so that you aren't just doing what makes you happy.

Look at it this way. The thing you find most difficult to do for her, is very likely the exact need that you have neglected meeting in the past, and the one that most desperately needs your attention.

All the best,
Gimble

Hi, WAT, FAR.

I do understand the need not to push her away. The hardcore facts would indicate that in the case of your children, and your finances, you need to protect yourself and the children from the very strong potentiality that she may go completely haywire. Do this regardless of the fallout.

All the best,
Gimble

FAR,

I am only halfway through reading your thread...thought I had seen some really good nicknames for OP's on MB, but The Taster wins the award! Had to comment on this (can't figure out the quote thingy):

The fokker is 75 years old!!! WW turns 40 on saturday.

I am 44, my Dad is 76 ----YUK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't even imagine. Did I say YUK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Regards,

Brit's Brat/BS-44
XH-46
DS-3.5
Status: D-day 5/02, Divorce final 5/04. Living my life.

And what is funny is that she acted disgusted that I would mention such a thing yesterday when I confronted her.

What an Alien.

FAR-
Poop. Pure poop. I was really hoping that her head wasn't so far up her you-know-what that she'd see the devoted husband right in front of her.

Hubby asked about you this morning, I told him you were confronting her last night, so he thought you might have checked in already. I mention this because talking about Marriage Builders posters used to make him uncomfortable (it just reminded him he was an adulterer), yet now he wants to know what's going on with the BH's I've been checking on. I've told him he could post here to you if he wanted to, but he says "That's your thing." I think its because he can barely type. hehehe

Ok, so looks like you don't have to deal with the hotel situation. I love that you have her running scared and still managed to keep your source uncovered.

Please don't dote on her. You can Plan A without it. I'd also like to point out that your current plan A doesn't seem to be working... maybe its time to change your tactics and reactions a bit. Yes, yes, Im pulling out the dreaded 180* list. Some of the others might want to bop me in the head because I even mention it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I'm a big, big proponent of the 180*s. It really did change my life, my marriage, and the dynamics of our relationship. It also made my kids very proud of me.

You may wish to consider it.

I would definately begin the legal stuff, like the others said. As for another bank account- go ahead and start one, but SLOWLY start stashing away money in it. You'll set her off with immediately putting everything in there from now on. Keep it as a private account for emergencies. Yes, I even have one. Not much in there, but just knowing I have an untouchable-by-H source to tap was important to me.

(((had my 38 week exam today- 80% effaced, but no dilation yet. Looks like I've got some time to kill before the birth)))

Oh you sweet woman. Soon you will start pushing, and leave me. I do not know if can handle two rejections in as many weeks.................

Thanks, Mojo. I will open the account. Good idea to start small.

I need to research the 180s. I think I am unfamiliar with it.

How long do you have to cook 'em before they are done? (I knew - but I have forgotten. I though they popped out of the toaster at 38)

Good luck with this child. May God bless the birth. Teach your husband to post, so we can be updated. Please.

FAR

FAR-
A pregnancy runs to 40 weeks. At 37 weeks the baby is considered full-term. Our due date is the 28h, but hubby and I think it would be really, really 'cool' (aren't we so mature) if he would arrive on Father's Day. Im typing this and the baby is playing piano with his toes on my ribs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't worry, I will rush back here to check on you as soon as I get home from the hospital. Reject a nice guy? I'm not stupid like some people I will not mention.
Here's a link to a thread with a link to 180s:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=&vc=1

I read Divorce Busters at the same time I was reading the Harley Books. I modified both MB and DB guidelines and made them work for me. What helped, like Chris mentions in the above thread, is choosing the things that were not working.

My husband took advantage of my being available at his whim, of my being over attentative, and often used my physical appearance as an excuse for what he was doing. Since those were things that already bothered me about myself I wrote those down.
Like being affectionate to a person who showed me little to no affection, I chose withhold or not initiating physical contact. Within HOURS my husband was so confused he didnt know what to do. But since I was acting graciosuly and was just as nice, he couldn't just think to himself I must be angry about something....it really drove him NUTS that I wasn;t trying to sit near him, hold his hand, call him at work, give him hugs and kisses. It was soooooo hard for me not to do it, either, since a lot of the time, I was affectionate out of insecurity and needing the physical closeness to feel secure.

The physical appearance- I knew an attractive spouse was among his top three EN's (he did the EN packet with me), so I incorporated 2 180s with that. I would wait until he was home and settled in front of the ESPN Sportscenter, look up from my book and suddenly say "I'm going for a walk!" then I'd just get up and take off with my mp3 player. The first time I did it he was baffled. The second time he asked if I was mad. I laughed and just walked out the door. Within a month I lost ten pounds. By the time I left him to go to the University (BIG MISTAKE), I had lost 30 pounds. So, by being more physically active (a HUGE change for me), I killed two birds with one stone- lost weight and again confused him. He actually started to follow me out the door to walk with me. HAHA. When I returned home from the University, I was very, very calculated-- I got rid of the clothes I left with (some items were actually FOUR years old) and bought an entirely new wardrobe (including a silk nighty, woo!), had begun weightlifting and lost 20 inches overall and dropped two dress sizes, and had a new hairdo. When I walked off the plane I was so nervous. I shouldn't have been. His eyes bugged right out of his head and my kids went "WOW, MOM!"
I had never felt so good about myself in my life.

The other thing I did was shake myself out of my own fog and started being a better homemaker. I also socialized outside of the house. I became more interesting to him. I followed through on the promises I made to him and he reciprocated.

I know to others it sounds pretty superficial, but my 180s were lasting changes. When I made them, I knew they were lifestyle choices that I wanted to be permanent. They really did help me get on the right track in my life and helped foster a better relationship with my husband.

The others in this thread are extremely knowledgable and they are giving great advice. I know Im not being as helpful, since my advice is more...uh, homespun? Simple? Chatty?

I wish hubby would post, but he really is disinterested in the internet now. A few of his innapropriate behaviors were carried out with the computer and he avoids it because he worries that *I* will worry. He uses it to read sports articles and show me houses in the area we hope to retire in. If I disappear for more than a day, just know I'll be back.

Good luck on a Father's Day birth. What a gift that would be.

I will read the post on 180s.

I know some of the problems that can come up when a man has internet access. THAT has been one of my 180s, I have just realized. The key is to promise someone that you will not use the computer the kids use, then put games on all the computers. That is a different thread...

I like your explanation of 180s, though. I will look for ways to use that.

How about this one: I paid her cellphone bill tonite. She and our 19yo boarder who is also her best friend got phones together, and I paid the bill today. Oh - I also photographed the whole thing - but it has been laying out too long. I think she is trying to show me that she is not spending a lot of time on the phone with anybody. But for some reason she does not leave her hotmail account open....

Congratulations on the physical fitness. I think that one's own thoughts about one's appearance are possibly the most critical a person can have. I know that being out of shape is mentally grueling. I am proud for you that you made a lifestyle change and stuck with it.

If Mr. Diva wishes to say something, let him know that I will appreciate it.

It is nice to have made friends with you guys. It is the first real friends I have made since moving to CA, I think.

Funny.

Well, folks, we might not need scorched earth. I have yet to dig into the hotmail letters, but the outbound keyloggers leads me to believe WW is in pain because OM needs time and space. And the trip this saturday seems cancelled.

I think he pondered my going to his wife, and had a moment of sanity. It will rock his world if I do.

So - now she is in pain, but not really communicating with me. She will need to mourn this new loss for a while.

If OM does not go away, SH and I decided I confront him next, and discuss the reality that will exist if I go to his wife. He seems to be sensitive to that.

Thanks for your prayers. This is brain surgery here, and feel like the janitor was called in from the hall to do the operation.....