Hi, found.

I just want to make sure that you understand that you may make matters worse, and that you are sure you want to go against Harley's advice.

If you are sure, then the sooner the better. Every minute wasted is a fantasy that grows stronger.

Edited to add: Will the kids be with her on her trip?

There is my $0.02.
Gimble

Thanks. Maybe I should try to get another appointment with Steve for Monday. (he is out the rest of this week.)
Thanks for the clarity.

I've been trying to get my head around why the Harleys advise you against exposure right now.

Your wife is an actress..do I have that right? Is this a career that has potential for her or a hobby like a "Little Theatre" group?

The OM is a director/producer, right?

The OM is also 75 years old.

If I have those right, let me speculate a little.

If your wife has the potential to develop an acting career, maybe that is uppermost in her mind right now...what she feels she NEEDS in order to be happy.

Unfortunately, that seems to be something that you probably cannot help her with very much, although I understand that you are supportive of her desire to be an actress.

So...it is likely that she may consider you to be somewhat of a hindrance to her career. Sorry to be so blunt.

The OM is a director/producer...and in a position to help her advance her career, right?

This sounds awful, but I think the "casting couch" aspect should be considered.

Could it be that your wife is NOT in love with the OM, but is just using him to further her career? Really, if she was so enamored of him and if sex with him is so good, I don't think she would have "pooh-poohed" the idea of sex with him because he's 75 years old. If she is so in love with him, his age shouldn't even factor...she would have thought of something else to say, IMO.

So...maybe the Harleys are figuring that your WW is wanting to further her acting career and was already planning to leave you in order to do so. However, she has to get her career boosted....and so she took on a 75 year old lover as a means to an end.

So, if you expose the affair, the OM may drop your wife like a hot potato rather than lose everything he already has in his life. This would enrage your wife, because she would feel that you have tried to destroy her career. She would likely head straight for divorce so you could never be able to interfere in her career again.

Now, this is just speculation, but I wonder if this could possibly be why the Harleys advised you against exposure.

I think you have a pretty good grip on things. I do believe that she sees a career boost with this guy, and she DID give up her carreer for the last ten years (I thought it was for the kids...) Yes - when I expose her career in our town may go down the tubes. This director loves her. But it is too much like watching a made for tv movie. I mean, really. If I zoom out and look at it - boy it sure seems like something you see on tv. I might write a treatment on it as a first episode someday. But I think the Harleys both see that if I expose it will just push her away. They both are looking for ways for me to attract her.

Thanks for your take on it. I think you are pretty darn accurate. But I also think she is wrapped up in the adoration that is feeding her ego, and the thrill of the sex talk. I am not sure how well 75 yr old equipment works - might be dissappointing for her.

Yes. Her need to act is tremendous. Not acting has been a source of sorrow for many years. This man represents all that could make her happy.

Seems kinda hopeless, don't it?

Sad, but not entirely hopeless.

Is there some tangible way you could help her acting career and thus deposit love units?

Hi, found.

Quote:
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I am not sure how well 75 yr old equipment works - might be dissappointing for her.
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It is very likely that she is not the least bit interested in his equipment. This is all about her, and how she feels. The sex is just a natural progression of how she feels. The sexual banter is to feed the 'feel good' for both of them.

Some people can't be attracted back to a relationship. I don't know how bad your relationship with your wife was pre-affair, but from the Harley's reaction, and your signature line, it must have been pretty bad.

My unprofessional opinion is that you will have to do major exposure to wreck the affair and get her attention. The trick will be showing her that what you did was out of love, not a desire to control.

I am just thinking ahead here, found, not prognosticating.

God bless,
Gimble

As a matter of fact I did do what I could to help her act. I changed my schedule and worked hard to be available to watch the kids every night she needed for rehearsal and the performance (about a month and a half of juggling). She is now the director's girlfriend.

Just helping her make rehearsals and performances is the biggest help I can be. In the past, I traveled so much that she could not keep a committment - to a job or a play. I have quit travelling for her. For the last year, almost. I think i am depositing small amounts here and there. She was very appreciative of my making this play work for her.

Gimble - thanks for the thoughts. I know that SF is one of her needs. It is one of mine, too, but we never really synchronized with it. (we did have three kids!) I am probably not the best at the art of foreplay, but I think I can do a lot better, and satisfy her needs.

One of the things she said to me during the conversation (when I confronted her and she denied) was that she felt like she was under my thumb. I know that she will feel controlled by the exposure. But she will be with her mother for 9 days, and I talked to MIL today and know that she is interested in the marriage working out, and will look for opportunities to urge WW to give it one more chance.

All the while this is going on, I have been paying attention to emails she has gotten from a man at her day job, who is interested in her, and she is keeping him on the hook.

I am worried that the alien has taken over for good, but I gotta have faith.

I have decided to launch the nuke, probably Friday morning. Ideally the OM will stop communicating with WW completely once his wife gets involved, but I discern that is doubtful. At least daylight will be shining on it, and he will be trying to fix things with his wife, and possibly dealing with his peers in the local theatre scene. I might stagger the exposure, depending on how much trouble he creates after I tell his wife.

Hi found.

If you have decided to expose, then consider including emails to the new guy's wife. No reason to leave the fallback plan in place.

If you have decided to expose, what is your fallout plan?

I would not expose her if she is going to find out while the kids are with her. They need to be in a safe place when she finds out.

God bless,
Gimble

Well - I got communication from one of my counselors to wait until Monday. WW will be with her mom. OM might be in NY with his family - but his wife has been to the hospital a couple of times this week, she may not be travel worthy. Seems mean to dump this on her right now. But while WW is in Dallas would be a good time to expose. She would be away from the kids, and able to cry as much as needed. Plus MIL is with me on making the marriage work, and would sooth her but guide her back to the family.

I know that time allows the fantasy to grow, but it also gives me more ammo, and allows more time for plan A. I have not done quite as well lately. Need to shore up some. It tears me down to read the emails I intercept each day.

Thanks, Gimble.

I will expose, but I will wait to get a green light from a Harley. I can see how it would be a good idea while she is away.

I wrote a reply the other day and its vanished.

Listen to your counselors, they usually know what they are doing.
Take it day by day.

((Still waiting on baby. May be gone for a bit as I have family visiting now. thinking of you each day.))

Mojo - just logged on thinking about that baby. Hope it goes well for you. I sure appreciate your thoughts. It is no fun logging the daily email between them, but I have learned that the relationship is so fragile. When they do not communicate for a day, each one feels very insecure about the other. Kinda nice to see that.

Thanks for the advice. Boy, am I ready to expose. Just gotta get the opportunity.

I will go to OMW first, then him immediately. I hope to tell him that he should not ever establish any kind of commuincation with WW again, but as I write this I think of the crack addict that sits in jail for a night, then is let out and goes straight for a fix.

Oh well. Scorched earth, baby, scorched earth. Just gotta get the thumbs up from someone named Harley.

I have over a dozen counselors. Three are named Harley. Mojodiva, Melodylane, Mortarman, Gimble.........

And I listen carefully to each and every one.

Thanks, all. I will let you know when my finger is on the trigger....

You are doing well and Im so proud of you. This is probably one of the most difficult situations to be in and you are staying focused.

Yes, definately give the OMW the first dibs on info. Its her right.

(((can you believe Im still pregnant? hehe due date is Tuesday..I have an exam..kinda hoping I don;t make it to then...would rather be at the hospital in recovery!)))