Well, I'm starting a new thread as I feel I'm moving on from the first feelings of hopelessness after d/day and into a positive Plan A phase.

This is my sitch. My husband announced on April 2nd that he'd been having an affair since just before Christmas, that our marriage was over, and that he was leaving me. He left the next day.

We have two daughters, 12 and 5. They, like me, were devastated and completely taken by surprise when their Daddy left.

The OW is a colleague of WH's; they are both teachers in a Catholic school. She is ten years younger than him. She is 'his soulmate', they are 'meant for each other'. BARRF!

At first, I was completely crushed by what had happened. I let H do what he wanted, more or less. He showed no consideration whatsoever for my feelings (or anyone else's). He and OW moved straight in together, into a flat 1/2 mile away so he could see the kids easily. Five days after he left he was trying to get the kids to meet OW. A week after he left he was blackmailing his own parents: 'If I can't bring OW with me I'm never coming to visit you.'

He's showing the typical alien behaviour, re-writing our marriage to justify what he has done. Somehow, all this is for everyone's benefit - it's good for the kids and for me too! I'm grateful to WH and OW, I can tell you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Part of my helplessness was due to the fact that WH lied about public knowledge of the affair. I thought that everyone knew about it - friends, family, work colleagues. WH let me think that OW had completely replaced me - that she had been accepted by everyone and that their affair was a 'proper relationship', that she was his 'new partner'. Turns out no-one knew about the A at all, except for close family. They are hiding; living in secret in a flat 1/2 mile away, having a sordid little affair, and NOT a publicly accepted, healthy relationship.

So I am exposing. Exposing to the Catholic school they work in, to their friends, and to OW's parents (they are Spanish Catholics). WH is confused by my behaviour, and doesn't know what I'll do next.

I'm letting him wonder. Thanks for reading this.

Alph.

All I can say is, I'm impressed.

What did the Catholic school principal have to say?

Sounds like you are doing wonderfully well at being the lighthouse.
Sooner or later the bubble is going to burst, I would predict.

Hi smur - thanks for looking in.

The principal's reaction was er, disappointing. He already knew about the A (WH had told him about it, but said we had a 'mutual' separation!!!). Principal admitted to me that he'd told WH to 'keep it quiet'. So, I've sent a letter to the Chairman or the Board of Governors, outlining the actual facts of the affair and pointing out its potential to damage the good reputation of the (Catholic) school.

I was terrified when I first started here. Still am about contacting OW's parents. Her father is a retired Spanish Army Captain. Seems to me that makes him one of General Franco's lot. He might have me shot. Or WH! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

* applauds *

Look how far you have come Alphin !

Here's to a successful plan A !

Thanks bOb!

BTW, I have CANCELLED today's appointment with Relate. Couldn't be bothered, not even for the money I'd paid for it.

I'm calling Marriagecare later. I wonder if they have Catholic contacts I can use for exposure purposes? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

I feel bad now ! I hope I haven't made you waste money !

Relate may have their uses, but marriagebuilding isn't one of them in my experience and the experience of other UK MBers.

My experience of marriagecare indicates an instinctive support for th einstitution of mariage and their Cathloic foundations may just help you summon institutional shame or indignation with the school to get something done.

Oh, BTW, don't be surprised if they've never heard of marriagebuiloders, or if they think plan A with exposure, then plan B is too brutal, or vindictive or whatever.

If they offer a competing strategy, ask them for proof of a heritage of success before changing horses.

All blessings !

Nah, it was only a fiver - Income Support, yah know.


That's all I want - a marriage counselling service that actually supports marriage and doesn't encourage you to just 'move on' when things get tough! My Relate IC made me feel guilty for trying to save my marriage, called me vindictive for wishing to expose, and, my particular favourite, referred to OW as WH's 'partner'! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I know you already know all this, bOb - just repeating it for others. And it makes me feel better to rant about it too.

PARTNER indeed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alph
You are NOT making a fuss.
You are doing the RIGHT thing by:
Your kids
Your H
Your self esteem
God
and

EVEN your WH and OW !

Do not be dissuaded from saving your M until you know you don't want to anymore.

If marriage wasn't important, we'd all just live together.

good luck with Mcare. An' 'ting.

PROPOSED PHONE NOTES FOR SPEAKING TO OW'S PARENTS.

I've tried to avoid any criticism of OW in these notes - all the blame is on WH. Unfair, of course, but I don't want to alienate them by bad-mouthing their daughter, and frankly I want them to think WH is a scumbag:

'Hello, Senor/Senora – do you speak English

I am sorry to disturb you today. I wish to speak with you regarding ***, who came to visit you last week with your daughter. I am his wife, and the mother of his children.

I do not know what *** has told you about our marriage, but we are still married and I will never divorce him, despite his adultery. I love him and he is the father of our two children, who are desperate for him to return to them . He has no grounds to divorce me.

I feel you need to know the kind of man your daughter is involved with. This is a man who abandoned his wife and children for an affair. He has not given us any money since he left, and I am struggling to make ends meet. He is spending the money he should be giving to our children on having fun. *** also has a problem with alcohol, a habit which has frequently made me very unhappy and has only got worse since he left us.

I must also inform you that my husband’s affair with *** has put both of their careers in great jeopardy. The affair is secret for now, but the school will not tolerate such a relationship when the affair is exposed.

Thank you for listening.'

Alph.

"I tell you this because I want so much for our family to be restored and for your daughter to have a life free from the shame of adultery. If you find any support for my family or your daughter's reputation in your heart I ask that you do all you can to make them reconsider their affair".

And find a Spanish speaker to help you in case there is no English spoken in their house. Away from tourism an dcommerce there can be little English in Spain sometimes.

Good luck.

Praying for you.

Good job, Alph! Your strength of character is impressive.

I do not have any suggestions on your phone notes. Any presence of a language barrier is the obvious wild card here. Even if you cannot communicate with OW's parents, this is not the most important exposure path at the moment - the school and Catholic administration are.

In that the school headmaster is complicit in the affair, has vested interest in hiding it and WANTS to, and he knows you're going over his head (as you described on your other thread) I recommend you be prepared to go WAY over his head - "exposing" him as well. Do not underestimate what these "good" people will do to protect their turf. Hypocrisy cannot be seen in the mirror.

WAT

That sounds rather frightening. I know that being accused of slander is a possiblity, but obviously such a charge couldn't stick as everything I'm saying is true. I'd rather it didn't happen, all the same.

I have found the website for the local diocese, and also a local Catholic newspaper. If there's nothing to be done with the CBOG, or Parents Association, I guess the diocese would be the next on the list, with the newspaper as a last resort?

Would the newspaper be interested in a story like this?

Alph.

Hypocrisy cannot be seen in the mirror.

WAT, I think it can. That why you're happy with your reflection. And so am I.

Such is GREAT gain IMO.

Agreed re: Alph. She's doing exceptionally well.

Would the newspaper be interested in a story like this?

A sword best kept sheathed until you need it IMO. Threat of such enormous exposure may be more effective than the fact of it.

I stayed ny hand from exposing OM in my sit to the papers ( he is a charity representative. Children's charity no less....I threatened him with it if he ever threatened my family again. And other things...

I did not intend to frighten you - just state what is all too common. People's morals - no matter how "authoritative" or rooted, are easily discarded when their own hides are at stake. The actions the headmaster has already demonstrated confirm this.

I suggest you just go up the ladder one step at a time, staying calm, cool, and confident. The parent's association ought to serve as a good "proxy" for a newspaper.

WAT

It's thanks to you, bOb, and WAT, Orchid, Melody, Faithful, Pep, Pebbles, Sleepless, Lexxx, HINY and so many more that I'm doing what I'm doing.

Thank you, one and all.

Alph.

So it was the threat of the greatest exposure that finally did the trick for you? You mentioned before that exposure to Squid's friends proved worse than useless - 'follow your heart' nonsense.

I find this interesting. I think I've mentioned before that it surprised me very much that WH was willing to lose his children to this A, but when his job was threatened, or he thought it was, that was the first time he really lost his cool. I guess it's more than just losing his job though - it's a loss of respect and status. Perhaps these things are more important to some men. I never would have believed it before, certainly not of my loving H and DD's loving daddy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

A lot of things conspired in my sit Alph.

I exposed to OMs GF, but Squid an dOM denied it , calle dme a crazy jealous man and his GF , shocked, tried to believe him.

I found proof ( love letters etc) and OMs estranged sone died in a car crash tragically the same day.

Amazingly OM and Squid planned to use the funeral as an weekend away together...this still sickens me...and OM foun dout from Squid I had proof and he begge dme not to send it to his GF, but he did not agre to not take Squid to teh funeral.

So I send his GF a fax of them on the day before he was leaving for the funeral with Squid.

OM GF told him he was a monster to respond to the death of his estranged son in that way and that she wanted him out.

This either scared him, or made him realise the magnitude of his depravity. I dunno.

He took his GF and son to the funeral and did not return any of Squids calls. When he came back I called him with details of proof of the affair and other nefarious activities he was involved in. And a few other consequences of his continued contact.

I told him that any contact other than an NC letter would result in my manifesting my displeasure in a number of ways.

He dumped Squid brutally next day " never loved you, you were just meat and flattery to me" etc. and he has stayed utterly dark ever since.

I don't even speak to his GF any more now. ( we were allied for a while in making sure they stayed apart).

OM underwent counselling for relationships and bereavement.

So thats just a SHRED of the soap opera of my story !

Threat of further exposure certainly played a part, but I'll never know how much.

Exposure is a great tool, and opinions vary as to how it should be used.

I am with WAT, that it should be done hard an effectively at forst, then let slip the dogs of war if theres no effect with limited exposure.

I had an emotional talk with DD12 last night.

It's been so hard for her. I know that I've been holding her at arms length since this whole mess started, because I just didn't know how to deal with her pain, or what exactly I should tell her. Last night she told me that WH had told her on the day he left that our separation was a 'mutual' one. Well, I wasn't having that - what an outrageous, cowardly lie to tell your own daughter, and I decided that I wasn't going to protect WH from the consequences of his A any longer.

I was under the impression that WH had told the truth to DD12 - well, I guess I've been as stupid about that as I have been about his 'truth-telling' to everyone else in this matter. He lied to his daughter. He suggested that I wanted him to go. DD12 has been living with that since the beginning of April - I could kick myself for not talking to her sooner.

Alph - welcome to the club, sadly.

Remember what we've been saying - do not underestimate the deviousness that a WS will stoop to.

Most of us have had to deal with the same sort of thing. And I, like you, have regrets for not recognizing the horrible things that were said behind my back. Not only was our separation "mutual", but variously, I was the one who "moved out", I was "abusive", and - get this - I "withheld money" that could have been used to help cure our dying son. I swear I am not making this up.

This crap should strengthen your resolve for exposure.

WAT