But what did your gay pal think of your new style? Impressed, or no?

He didn;t say, but I always get a kiss off Dwight, tiara or no ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I celebrate your willingness to [color:"red"]**shine** [/color] like a star!!!

Wear your tiara cleaning, cooking, even gardening ... you will feel a glow... it's magical!

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Yes, the positive image goal is......, er, the goal.

But don't expect him to recognize this image until later.

Very, very likely that when real exposure hits you will be the scourge of the earth. Then when/if you go to Plan B - no matter what positive image you projected - you are still the scourge of the earth and probably the rest of the solar system (to include the Mothership).

So, if/whenever you go into Plan B - you very likely will be 'that b!tch' who screwed up his career/reputation. Take it to the (love) bank. This is typical and necessary. If this DIDN'T happen, Plan B was probably misapplied.

WAT

So exposure is... the biggest LB of all time (apart from having an affair, perhaps).

Lucky for me that he has to keep coming round here to see the kids. Still, I guess he might stop that too to 'punish' me.

Alph.

Absolutely, exposure is the BIGGEST lovebuster. No question about it. But it's a calculated lovebuster.

Your children are your ace in the hole. I am not suggesting that they be made pawns. But the reality is that you have the kids and they are a strong incentive for a WS to get de-fogged. Please continue being honest with them and DO NOT protect your H from the consequences of his decisions in matters regarding the children.

WAT

except in harleys definitions exposure isn;t really a lovebuster.

Its not a disrespectful judgment if done with care
Its not an emoional outburst
It is in fact HELPFUL to the WS and OP if their relationship is indeed the 'soulmate' partnership they convince themselves it is.

This is one of the things that KILLS WS. Squid aske dme not to expose to his GF as 'OmMs life doesn;t need to be sh*t just because ours is'.

Sorry ? I thought you were soul mates ? I thought OM was JUST ABOUT to leave his partner for you ? Why is telling his GF going to make his life sh*t ?

Reply was foggy sulking.

But WAT is sage here - WS have only peripheral vision. Direct vision is clouded by fog.

Your plan A behaviour will score points but ,subtly for now.

Squid ignored or hated me at the time, but remembers every single thing I did in plan A for her now. EVERYTHING. And is humbled in the face of it.

Stretching the lovebank idea a little far - I'm depositing postdated cheques in plan A that won't clear until much later?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

:thumbsup:

Exactly!! Very astute.

bOb is correct about exposure not being an LB from the "academic" standpoint from the BS perspective. (we're straying into semantics here)

But practically speaking, a lovebuster is defined by what it feels like to the WS. The WS determines what is and is not an LB.

I really like the post-dated check/deposit analogy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

WAT

Arrrrrgh!!!

DD12 was coming home from school today and stopped off in the local supermarket. WH WAS THERE WITH OW!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

DD12 didn't see or meet OW. BUT WH ASK DD12 IF SHE'D LIKE A LIFT HOME AND OW WOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE CAR IF SHE'D ACCEPTED!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

DD12 is a good girl so she declined. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am so shaken up by this, illogically so. I feel violated. I hate them for living so close to us. It's only a matter of time before I meet them in the supermarket myself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Alph. *FREAKING OUT*

Alph

I would be shaken too.

The weekend after I busted Squids affair she had planned to take my kids to OMs home town to meet him at a town fair. that STILL maks my hackles rise.

Your DD deserve a treat for that. What an AWESOME kid. Wow.

This is where I am unreasonable and spiteful.

If Squid had divorced me and married OM I would want my kids growing up dispising OM and making his life an absolute misery. I would teach them to take sadistic pleasure in granting him eternal unrest. To steal as much joy a spossible out of life with Squid.
Am I joking ?

Over to you to work that out... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

We know, Alph. Turns your stomach. Again, join the club - you are NOT alone.

But you and daughter are in a good spot - she knows the truth and when the time comes when she comes face to face with OW, she may make OW feel unwanted and thus cause turmoil. Good girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (I am not implying you ought to recruit your daughter to do this - just that she may do it naturally, on her own.)

WAT

*STILL FREAKING, BUT A LITTLE LESS SO*

When is my slow-a$$ solicitor going to send them the letter saying I've forbidden contact with OW? Man, I wish I could see their faces when they read that. No contact with Omelette, and if you don't like it, go to mediation.

I'd like to say that I'd refuse contact until we get divorced, but I fear this might annoy WH slightly and he might er, divorce me. The only thing he could divorce me on is unreasonable behaviour. Does exposure count as unreasonable? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> My solicitor says it's really easy to make something up for unreasonable behaviour. WH'd probably do it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Also, whilst I can say I don't want the girls to meet OW, in reality I can't actually stop it. WH has joint parental responsibility, and if he likes he can just take the girls out and introduce them to OW whenever he likes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

{{{{alph}}}}

Something WAT told me back in the day
"Don't overanalyse everything".

Great advice.

Right now you're strong
You have a plan
You have exposure to do
You DD is with you
You have your M&S tops and you shave your armpits unlike OW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Could be better (i.e. no affair) but its all good Alph.

It is good advice. You may have noticed I have a tendancy to do that.

I am strong
I have a plan
I have exposure to complete
I have my 2 beautiful DDs, BUT

My M&S tops are in the wash. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

TIME TO SHOP! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

*sigh*

this is not an illogical or unreasonable reaction you feel ... this is slimey and you'd prefer to keep the slime off your babies ... but there is slime-splatter ... unfortunately.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Alphin: “You and your wife are recovering, right? How long have you been back together? Is your son happy about it, is he healing too (you say he doesn't really trust your FWW)?”

Well, yes and no. W moved back home after 6 months living apart. That would be right about a year ago now. If forced to give recovery a grade I say B or B+. We get along great, DS is much happier and we have plans for the future.

But I have two big problems.

First, W has proven herself to be a supreme master of lies and deception. Her PA lasted 10 years. She kept it active right through MC and her IC after D-Day 1 in 1998. I still don’t know what to believe even now. She is done talking about her A and I can lump it if I don’t like it. She could still be having contact through work and I would never know it.

She says all the right things. She acts loving and fairly engaged now (much more so than during the A). But then she did all this for a year after D-Day 1, too. All the while still carrying on unabated with OM.

Second, I am stuck in the forgiving part of this. I do not hold the A over her. I do not LB. But, the fact that she could have a lover for half our 20 year M and not once think there was something wrong with that has me stymied. Her A was not like tripping, picking herself up and saying, "Bad mistake, I’ll never do that again." She knew exactly what she was doing and spent an active 10 years at it. Man, she worked hard at this A, especially since OMM was just in it for the sex and attention. She wasn't even his only A and she suspected it!

I have to believe she just is who she is. I wonder more and more why I stay M’d to such a person. The missing 20% of recovery seems to be trapped inside me somewhere. I feel trapped.

DS is doing much better. Yes, he maintains a distance from W. He has in fact said he does not trust her not to do this again. He no longer lets her hug him and acts aloof most of the time with her.

I feel bad for both of them. But it is slowly getting better. His child psychologist says this trauma propelled him into his teen rebellion years sooner than he would experience naturally.

But he isn’t that way with me at all. We have a very close relationship. I am still here mostly for him.

Edited to add: But I still love her. I do.

Although late, it started 25 mins ago or so, you can listen to Dr W. Harley on his wife's radio show...right now. Relationship Thursday. Click on the upper right hand corner at the top of the page.

Trix (threadjack) This was my first listen to the radio show and its Joyce Harley saying spanking and mouth washing with soap of kids is OK !

ARRGH !

Wrong show for me to hear !