Got a call from WH this lunchtime.

WH: *SNIFF* I don't think I can come around today to see DD5 *COUGH*
ME: Oh, dear. She'll be disappointed. Still, I'd rather the girls didn't get what you've got.
WH: *SNIFF, COUGH* Suppose so.
ME: Have you been to get your bloods taken yet?
WH: No. *COUGH, SNIFF* I'm just about to go now <pregnant pause>
ME: Oh. Well. Hope you're OK. Don't faint when they stick the needle in!
WH: Thanks. *COUGH* OK then. See you.
ME: Hope you're OK. Take care.

Is it significant that he phoned me just before he was going to the doctors? Did he want me to be thinking of him?

I know, I know...expect NOTHING.

Just though maybe...maybe he didn't phone Omelette before he went, but wanted to phone me instead?

*awaits 2x4s*

Alph.

Ka-Blam!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Stop trying to react to every current in the river!! You'll drive yourself NUTTY!! He's CERTIFIED nutty! You need to saty sane!!

PTC

Patience, time, consistency.

WAT

PTC - Got it. No more jumping to conclusions. Ever. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

WAT, Pep, I need to talk about this drinking thing. I know that recovery is impossible when there is another addiction involved. What do I do? How does this affect what I've already done and what I'll do in the future in my Plan A?

Alph.

Have you ever been to Al Anon?

If not ... go.

There is more , but I have to help a co worker right now.

Later.

Pep

I'll defer to Pep's recommendations on this. I do not consider myself knowledgable enough to offer advice other than this introduces another moving part into the machine. I don't expect that any part of Plan A would change, however.

WAT

Alcohol ...

well "lemme" make this as simple as possible ... but first it must be said, I am highly prejudical when it comes to this topic... so take it for what it's worth...

when a person drinks they do not fully feel some of the discomforts of life

the drinking numbs feelings and may narrow the emotional range a bit

therefore, certain skills necessary for a well functioning adult have not been acquired

skills that are more often lost or left behind by drinkers are those that involve problem solving emotionally charged matters

when something is emotionally charged, time to get fuzzy with alcohol

this usually leads to a pattern of conflict avoidance where problems are not addressed appropriately

sometimes the drinker behaves like a pressure cooker ... and things build up and build up and then steam explodes ... there is normally a whole lot of anxiety at the emotional core of a drinker

drinkers tend to problem solve in ways more appropriate to an adolescent
pouting
threatening
escaping
causing a ruckus
and sometimes
cajoling and charming

high functioning alcoholics can often appear very successful to outsiders

alcoholics need reinforcement (positive and negative forms) much more often than average adults because they function on the emotional level of a teenager

alcoholics feel shame
the shame causes increased anxiety
the anxiety has no other remedy than to get numb again with a drink
which causes more shame and back to the start of the circle

when an alcoholic has an affair (and your H is an alcoholic from the way you have described him) ending the affair will INCREASE his anxiety

here's my take on this ...
the alcohol is as big a threat to your marriage as the affair (remember, I admit my prejudice)

alcohol prevents intimacy
because
no one can be intimate and share himself when he is numb to himself

Plan A should be shortened ... really shortened .... when dealing with an alcoholic

I think Plan B should be initiated more quickly when dealing with an alcoholic

alcoholics are masters at bargaining ... and re-entry criteria after his affair finally ends should include the requirement of not just stopping the alcohol ... but getting into a program as well

because if an alcoholic just stops drinking, with no treatment program... the anxiety goes up ... Waaaaaaay up ... and there is nothing you can do for an anxious dry alcoholic that will make him happy ... and his unhappiness will all be your fault (in his mind)

he is not pleased with himself
he drinks to numb his emotions
he might find Plan A the most wonderful plan on earth because he is then permitted to misbehave free of consequences ... which is an alcoholic's speciality!

I sincerely hope you find an Al Anon group you can connect with.

Start looking into yourself and find the part of yourself that has tried to 'fix' things for your H that he should be fixing hisownself ... and strangle that enabler. Kill her. Put her out of her misery. Put tape over her mouth so she does not speak. Allow the full monty of consequences to befall your husband. Protecting an alcoholic from consequences is doing him no favor.

He is no less a person than you or I. As spouses of alcoholics, we sometimes play the role of "the good spouse" ... the one who does not cause problems.

This is a matter of our pride.

If you have ever felt good about yourself for how much crap you could take ... "I'm a trooper, I can handle this." ... check that attitude right away.

Ask for help.

Ask for help from others who are Al Anon vets.

Pep

Thank you, Pep. I'll start a new thread.

I would never doubt your expertise in this. I am being deadly serious here. But what is it about what I wrote of WH's situation convinces you he is an alcoholic?

Thank you,

Alph.

well

he did effect a change in his lifestyle, didn't he ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Here is that sober-spousal "pride" I was talking about.

You need to learn the art of detatchment.
This also involves the art of non-whining.
We cannot detatch and then whine about it.

You made a healthy lifestyle change .... expect nothing other than an improvement in YOUR health. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I can read all the Shakespeare I want, but my husband will always enjoy Stephen King.

I'm not doing well in explaining this to you ...

You cannot manage your husband's interior decoration (meaning his heart and mind) ... no matter how much you want to, no matter how loving you are, no matter how awful you are, no matter how sick you are, no matter how cute you are, no matter how ugly you are, no matter how anything you are .... he decides when and where and if he becomes a more mature grown up man.

We over estimate our power to cause a change and underestimate ~real life consequences~ to cause a change.

Pep

try scoring your husband

Yes, I see,

Thanks.

Alph.

Alphin, I just wanted to say how impressed I am by the herculean efforts you have put in for your M. Hang in there and please make sure you rest and eat right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

FF, hear hear.

Bravo Alphin ! We're proud of you !

FF, bOb, thank you!

Having another crisis this evening, just for a change. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WH is an alcoholic - it's official - almost. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Plan A is in the shredder. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

no no no

plan A is not in the shredder

do your very finest Plan A

but if this plan A is 'enuff' to inspire your H to end his affair and draw his interest back home ... I will be mighty surprised!

Be prepared for Plan B ... and don't Plan A until you feel emotional or physical exhaustion .... go to plan B before that happends.

Pep

Plan A is in the shredder.

No
As I replied on your other thread, plan A is all about YOU not HIM. The Plan A behaviour an dchanges are all valid for YOU, not made useless by his potentially compromised ability to see them right now.

Addicts ability to stop an affair is usually compromised over non-addicts - thats why plan A or B may not have the same effect.

Why, Pep?

Because he's living the high life, all his vices enabled and accepted by OW?

Alph.

Remember Alph - Plan B has always been you next move if full exposure fails. Exposure first. Your Plan A is already done, IMHO, and you're physically separated. Plan B is the next logical step pending the exposure results.

WAT

WAT,

This is such a horrible shake up for me. I had expected to Plan A WH until December - imagined a lovely Christmas for us! I felt I was doing well. But I don't feel like I've laid down enough deposits in the love bank to get me through. And now I will probably spend Christmas in plan B? Or plan D? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I also haven't made any plans for plan B, as I expected to have time on my hands to do so.

I'll get started on planning today.

Alph.

Hi Alphin,

I am so impressed with all that you are doing. Your strength and courage and the depth of your love really shine through.

If its obvious to me, halfway across the world and over the net, it will sooner or later be clear to your FWH, no matter how foggy he is. Hopefully for him, the lightning bolt will hit soon and not before he has missed his chance.

Smur,

Thank you for that! That's what I love so much about this place. You're feeling blue, and then someone drops in with a kind, warm comment and lifts you right up again.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.