Oh, yes!


I dream of the day. I have it all rehearsed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Seriously though, despite the fact that the CSA didn't come this morning, financially things are much much better than they were. I could actually say to WH now: 'hey, we don't need you.'

I won't do that, but it feels good to know it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin,

I know the feeling and we are lucky. When I get frustrated and impatient because things do not seem to be progressing, I try to remind myself that I can afford to take it slow. A D will not release my WH from his financial obligations --- women are protected well in the case of D in this country. It is good to know that I can survive financially without my H. On the other hand, I certainly don't want him staying with me simply because he would get financially stripped otherwise.

Perhaps one day our husbands will appreciate that we did not stay with them out of financial dependency, but for non-material ideals. Perhaps they will cherish our unshakable loyalty...

Lostranslation,


True, but it's also good to know that so many A's break up because of money problems! If OW threw WH out, he'd really have nowhere else to go. Even if he came back under those circumstances, I'd be better off than I am now. At least I could try to meet his EN's. Not possible at the moment.

Alph.

Realizing, Alph, that that situation is a hypothetical at this point, you wouldn't allow him back without a NC letter, right? - and any other Plan B-like condition you wanted to impose, e.g. counseling, etc.

WAT

WAT,

No, I wouldn't. I've passed the desperate stage when I'd take him back at any cost. Only on my terms - MB terms - now.

Alph.

You're incorrect. You are meeting at least ~some of~ his ENs.

Yes, you are. A sense of connection and history. Family connections. Stability. There are sort of 'back burner' needs. Imagine yourself suddenly separated from living with the children, and relying solely on second hand information regarding their well being. Wouldn't that person supplying the information about the kids be meeting one of your important needs?


You seem to have the nervous system response like a rabbit right now. Kinda jumpy.

PLEASE ... calm down!

This is not any sort of panic situation.

Use your faith and calm yourself down.

Take control of your FOCUS. When you have a panic-driven thought , let it pass through you and say to your panic ... "If this ~actually~ comes up, I will deal with it appropriately." And let it go.

Control your FOCUS. Detatch from trying to control the ~outcome~ of all this. You cannot. None of us can control the outcome. The WH and OW do not control the outcome.

Your fear is the unknown, and things out of your control ... well join the rest of us.

Take excellent care of yourself. Do the best you can. Don't obsess about mistakes. You will make them. Accept that. You will do things right. Accept that too.

Focus on you becoming the healthiest strongest most centered and in control of herself YOU possible.

THAT is a Plan A strategy that cannot lose.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Pep,

It's the exposure that's made me this way.

At first I was jumpy because I had to do the exposure (still have more to do, I know) but now I'm very nervous waiting for the fallout of the exposure.

On top of this, whenever something 'new' happens (like the alcohol thing yesterday) it just throws me into a tailspin.

I'm taking my girls out for dinner tonight. I'll have a good time and calm down with them. Pasta with some kind of creamy/garlicy sauce has a way of doing that for me...

Alph.

I saw your photo young lady.

YOU are pretty and vivacious looking ... a prize.

Take deep breaths today.

Pep

Hey Alphin,

What do you think about organizing a letter writing campaign to the school? Get your friends and relatives to send in a version of an exposure letter you draft (to make it easy for them).

In fact, post the school web site or email address here on MB. A huge number of us will be happy to ping them.

None of us will need a draft letter from you either!

Nothing gets the attention of administrators quite like bad publicity on an international scale.


WAT can vent to them no end...

OMG!!!

***Despite Pep's very kind compliment and her instructions to breath deeply, Alph's panic levels reach crisis point***

That sounds so tempting.

But could I possibly have a little more feedback on it first?

Scorched earth or what?

Alph.

I think you should wait on scorched earth until such time as you are pretty sure your allegation is being swept under the rug and you get no satisfaction going up the ladder. Your Mom's (?) point about the "board" maybe only meeting infrequently, etc. has merit.

Also, for any of us to write to the school independently would require having names that you may not want to provide and require we reveal our identities to be taken seriously. Perhaps check the terms of service for this forum before starting anything like that.

That said, I recall you used the school's name here once and then we edited it out. Dern, I can't remember it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Started with an "A", right?

WAT

You need to be clear in your objectives with this level of exposure. Make it one of the wider rings of expanding exposure if you are not getting the results you want. The wider the exposure the harder the reconciliation in some rare cases.

Also, consider have your children send an appeal to the school to help get their daddy back. One of the most heart rending letters I’ve seen on MB was when someone posted a letter from a child asking for help asking her daddy to come back home.

I just to be clear myself, I have a big issue with a Catholic School administration that does not stand up and act for the sanctity of marriage. Modern Catholics indeed.

I want to send them a piece of my mind independent of your exposure. But I certainly won’t without your permission.

Perhaps... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

OK - I'm taking my girls out to dinner.

Back later - thanks for all the excitment!

Alph.

Where U eatin' Alph ? Didn't know family Italian had made it up as far as the NE ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't know if the letter you speak of is the one I posted on the old "Dear Daddy" thread ... but I bumped it to the top just in case.

Pep

BIG dinner! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for bumping up that letter, Pep. It's amazing.


You have to eat everything deep fried, b0b, apart from that it's just the same as 'real' Italian. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Is this because of the damage to the WS's reputation, Aphelion? Perhaps the feeling that they have gone 'too far' to reconcile? Or do they never forgive the BS for exposing them?


WAT, it is a big step. I wouldn't want to impose on anyone in any way that made them feel uncomfortable. Also, I still worry about WH 'forgiving' me for exposure - especially the level of exposure that this would be!

Still need to work out the 'drinking' dilemma, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

If your wise advisors think an avalanche of letters from MBers might help your sitch, count me in. I will lay aside my red-and-blue tights with the large golden "AAB" (short for Apprentice Affair Buster) and push back my white mask long enough to send a missive across the pond. Lemme at'em! Many others would probably feel the same way.

Thanks 'neak!

A global war against adultery!

Alph.

I guess a fair analogy to exposure is chemotherapy for cancer.

It poisons the patient a little less slower than it kills the disease.

Exposure harms the WS and marriage a little less than it can kill the affair.

You want to use as little as possible to get the job done, but without ANY, it's likely the disease will win.

Not a perfect analogy because some affairs are ended by the WS before the BS even finds out solely due to the risk of being exposed. And unlike chemo, that can have lasting effects on the body, any "harm" done to the WS and marriage by exposure is temporary and can be fully recovered plus some.

WAT