Hi Alph - I don't follow your connection between Plan B and the kids being around OW. What do you see as the cause and effect here? I don't think Plan B changes anything in this regard. Maybe I don't understand your point.

One thing to keep in mind is that having the kids around OW may not be such a bad thing. They may reject her or she them and turmoil ensues. Any time new moving parts are introduced to the fantasy there's more opportunity for instability. The juggler has to keep more balls in the air.

Don't get me wrong - I know how it turns a BS's stomach to imagine their kids being around an OP. I have to deal with it all the time. It's disgusting. How do the kids stand the smell of human waste? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

Hi WAT,

My fear is a loss of control. At the moment, I can say to WH 'I don't want my children exposed to the cesspit of your affair'. Always goes down well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

If I was in Plan B, WH would come and collect the kids and take them out, just as now. But because we would be out of communication, I'd have no control over who he introduced them to. He has legal right to introduce them to whomever he pleases, even now actually. Though he doesn't seem to realise that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

In plan B, he'd probably see my absence from his life as a license to introduce the Omelette.

I can see that adding kids to the paradise mix might well cause problems. I like that side of it. But I'd rather it never ever happened. I know this is completely unrealistic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

I understand. He's too dense to understand that he can do it now and you believe that he'll interpret Plan B to be allowance to do it.

Dork. Unless, of course, he doesn't really want to do it now and is making up the excuse for Omelette. You're the one making the Plan B leap as an allowance he'll exercise.

But let's stop fretting over what he's thinking. We've already established that that's a futile exercise. Do not let this issue influence whether or not you go to Plan B when the time comes.

WAT

In a way, I really long for plan B. I long for exposure to be over, I long to escape from the up and down emotions WH generates.

I don't know how much longer I can do Plan A. WH hates me now. I have almost as much adrenalin in my system now as I did when WH first left me. I'm a nervous wreck.

I can't talk to him. I can't seem to make any impression on him. I know it wouldn't show now, but it's so hard to push forward in the dark like this! All I do is tart myself up and grin like an idiot when he's here.

My greatest fear is the OW. If it was a crazy pairing, I'd have more hope, but it isn't. She's a teacher like him. She's educated, intelligent. She's younger, yes, but only by 10 years. Not enough to be a 'crazy' age difference. She obviously likes and is good with children, otherwise she wouldn't be a teacher. She's a professional person, unlike SAHM yours truly. She's also fairly attractive, tho I hate to say that!!! Well, she's very tall and a bit on the plump side, but she could be a lot worse. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

What I'm saying is - she and WH have a LOT in common. It isn't a crazy mismatch.

Oh, why can't I have a horrible, ugly and inappropriate OP like everyone else??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alph,

If she is having an A with your H then she is a horrible and inappropriate being right now!

Believe me there is nothing attractive about a cheater that is disrespecting young children and helping someone to break their vows!



HINY

Hi HINY.

I know that's true. But WH won't see it that way, will he?

Alph.

Alph,

He can't see the nose on his face right now. Eventually he will see it. I hope it isn't too late.

HINY

Alphin,

"Oh, why can't I have a horrible, ugly and inappropriate OP like everyone else?"

Don't concern yourself with her appearance. I don't think that is as big a deal as we BSs often make it out to be. I know FWW's OM is quite the handsome stud. Steely-eyed rock-jawed test pilot. Scarf streaming out behind him even standing in a closed room. He's also wealthy and has lots of interesting and expensive toys. This bothered me a lot and for a long time. Well, still does on occasion. But I don't think about it as much any more. If that's what W wants, she can have him. She gets his ego, lack of morals and ethics and his other occasional mistresses with the package.

I just want to concentrate on me. I want to get better and better in ways that count.

After all else is said and done at least I have never cheated. I am not an adulterer. And you are not. That counts for something important too.

Don't indulge in all this negative self-talk. It's called magnification. You don't know what he's thinking. I still think his A is going to eventually crash and burn.

Whether you will want much to do with him by then is probably the bigger question.

Besides, Alphin, there's nothing at all wrong with your picture either.

With prayers

Hi Aphelion,

Yes, I sure have been magnifying today. I'm so anxious about the exposure.

He isn't talking to me at all. I asked him on Sunday when he'd get the results for some blood tests he'd had. Well, the results were though today, but he told DD12 about them on the phone, and didn't ask to speak to me.

He really hates me at the moment - of course, I don't know that, as you pointed out, but it sure seems like it. Very angry about the OW parent's letter.

Alph.

Remember, you are entirely within your rights to defend your M and your family with exposure and any legal/ethical actions with any hope of producing results. You are fulfilling your obligations to your vows in fact.

So, also hit him in the pocketbook as much as you can. Make the A not worth it to him in any way you can. The fallout, if there even is any, is dealt with in recovery.

Did you hear anything yet re school exposure? Keep the heat on there too.


Man, it's raining pitchforks here right now. DS just called me sounding anxious. So I think I'll head home early.

It's been quite an afternoon.

WH came round to take DD5 to the park. I was hoping he'd take her to the little park nearby, so I could invite myself along as I wanted to talk to him, but DD5 decided she wanted to go to the larger park which required a car journey (I have a real thing about sitting in the same car seat as OW - totally illogical I know, but there we are).

So I talked to him before they left (it was very difficult because DD5 kept bouncing into the room proclaiming her annoyance at being kept waiting). Here is a basic transcript of our conversation.

ME: I want you to know how sorry I am that I made you unhappy in our marriage.
WH: *Looks extremely uncomfortable and guilty* Oh, *** (his pet name for me, which he doesn't use any more)
ME: I wish I could have made you happier. I would like to try again, although I know you aren't interested at the moment. The three of us are here waiting for you to come home.
WH: *Still looks very uncomfortable*
ME: You know how much you have hurt us? You said we would all be happier. We aren't. The three of us want you to come home to us.
WH: Would you like to talk about this some evening? *DD5 is bouncing all over the place at this point*
ME: When we talk, you hurt me. I can't see any point in talking.
WH: I think there is some point.
ME: *Changing subject* I went to the mediation service today. Have you got an appointment too?
WH: Yes.
ME: You know it isn't about marriage counselling, don't you? (WH previously thought mediation was the same as counselling)
WH: Yes.
ME: Will you go?
WH: I can't afford it. There's no money.
ME: (innocently) What's happened to all the money?
WH: It's all gone on all the direct debits and bills. (LIE ALERT - half his salary goes on bills, he is spending the rest on his A - I let this go, however)
ME: I talked to the mediator about child access. I told him I didn't want the kids to meet OW for a long time.
WH: Why don't you?
ME: Mostly because they are so hurt and confused and not ready for it yet. Partly too because OW has been instrumental in hurting them so badly. And also, although you deny it, and say that you are in a 'new partnership' I still consider that you are only having an affair. Since you left I have been making a study of affairs, and have found that 97% of affairs don't last. I don't want the girls exposed to a relationship that is unlikely to last. It would only hurt them more.
WH: Obviously I don't see it that way. I know we are different.
ME: Everyone thinks so. But you can't build a successful relationship on the agony of others.
WH: *Looking a little ill by now* I can't see any point in mediation - we aren't going to agree on this.
ME: Perhaps you are right. But you do get to see the girls as often as you like now.
WH: No I don't, because you won't let me see them with OW.

End of conversation. It was very level and there was no disrespecting or shouting, no raising of voices, though I did nearly cry at the beginning when I told WH I was sorry I had made him unhappy.

So WH took DD5 to the park, and a thought began growing in my mind. I was intending to ask him if he'd mind babysitting for me some time, but when he actually got back with DD5 things went differently.

I sat DD5 down with her dinner, and saw WH to the door.

ME: I wish you had known how much I love you.
WH: It might have made a difference.
ME: I used to tell you I loved you all the time
WH: *Silence*
ME: But when you fall in love with someone else you don't want to hear it, do you?

Then, I reached for WH and put my arm around his shoulder. His arms hung by his sides. So I cuddled in and kissed his neck!

He put his arm around me then, and squeezed a little. Then I broke away, and closed the door in his face (didn't slam it, just closed it gently!)

OMG! I don't know if all this was good Plan A, bad Plan A or just idiotic.

Comments, 2x4's welcome.

Alph.

damn near perfection

good girl

NEXT ... ask for babysitting in ~your~ home to avoid OW cooties!

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, Pep! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I will ask for babysitting in my home. I know that WH really misses putting DD5 to bed and reading her a story - babysitting will be a perfect opportunity for that!

Forgot to mention I was smelling good, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

You can bet the farm that H will ~NOT~ tell OW that you kissed him ... so they start to hide things from each other ... there is a crack in the egg.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Pep

whohoo for you Alph!

I couldn't have wrote it more perfect myself. It actually sounds exactly like the Plan A I was doing a year ago. Good for you. You should be proud of yourself. Good job inviting him back home.

HINY

Yes, I was hoping that might happen.

I'm so glad we had that talk, too. It's the first time I've been able to get any of that stuff out - I haven't even said that I wanted him to come before!

Communication hasn't been good for a while. I wonder if I should take him up on that talk he mentioned. If I do I'll have to do a crash course in Orchid's Reverse Babble!

Alph.

Continue exposure as required.

Did you put a way for omlette's parents to contact you for verification in the letter your sent them?

I have cut and pasted that conversation with your for me to save WH as an example of perfectly managed plan A stab and stroke.

Really, really excellent. Well done Alph. Well done !

When H does come to babysit ... place a thong of yours (get one if you don't own one) where you might take off your clothes ... like on the hook at the back of the bathroom door.

Put something NEW on your bed ... like a new furry pillow... and put some MENs cologne on it.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks so much, HINY - I wouldn't have dared do it if it wasn't for you!

Alph.