<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> WHAT? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> July 10? That's a long time.

Take care WAT!

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Not long enough!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, Suz.

WAT

WAT - no action today. I'm having a long weekend break to recover and prepare for all hell breaking loose.

I hope you have a great trip!

happyfinally - I understand exactly how you feel - I'm not putting much faith in the church itself, but rather in their procedures. Particularly the code of conduct that OW has (or may have) signed. If she has signed this document, it is legally binding, and there's not much she, the school or the church can do about it. She'll be in trouble.

If they do try to cover it up, my last exposure card is going to the newspapers.

I'll do that only if I have to.

Alph.

I have received a letter from the CBOG.

[color:"blue:"]'Dear Ms. ***,

Thank you for your letter dated 1st June last. Please accept my apologies for not replying sooner but I have been away on holiday.

I am sorry to learn of the difficulties your marriage is experiencing; such occassions are always sad.

I have discussed the contents of your letter with the Headteacher, Mr. ***, and asked him to speak to WH.

I am, of course, concerned to preserve the school's 'fine' reputation - as you suggest in your letter - and hope and pray a solution will be found to the problems you are experiencing.

Yours sincerely,

***
Chairman of Governors.'[/color]

The letter is dated the 21st (Tuesday). It was sent yesterday by first class post, and arrived this morning. I think the timing is very significant. Quite a coincidence that I called the School's Commission on Wednesday, and I get this letter today, after hearing nothing for nearly three weeks?

He's just covering himself.

Alph.

Just journalling...

I've been reading on b0b's thread about his wife's 'anniversary' and the discussion has turned to triggers. I know that, if WH and I come through this part of our lives together, that there will be some triggers very hard for me to overcome.

For example... WH began his A just before Christmas '04. Christmas, and our family's happiness during it, was a lie. WH's birthday is in January. I made a special party tea for him, we were all happy together. That was a lie. My birthday, DD5's birthday - both in February. Again, both lies. DD12's birthday at the end of March. We took her and her friends out for a meal. He knew he was going to leave us at this point. The biggest lie of all.

A week later, he was gone.

These five events - Christmas and our birthdays - are now tainted by the A. I don't know how I will ever forget that. Do you ever forget, or just learn to 'live with'?

Alph.

Alphin,

As you know I'm on the other side of the coin but just wanted to commiserate with your journalling and give you my perspective.

My birthday is also my Wedding Anniversary. We didn't celebrate our anniversary before as my birthday seemed to supercede it but this year I asked hubby if we could create another Anniversary day....and celebrate our marriage. It was a pretty significant shift in our thinking!
As it was our tenth Anniversary this year we decided to go away for a weekend and celebrate birthday and Anniversary together but on different days....that was really special.

My hubby's and OM birthday were on the same day (unbelievably). My hubby was understandably very upset by this (the A wasn't happening on his last year's birthday) but as he turned 40 this year I didn't want anything tainting the day so made a huge effort. I'd worked hard at the relationship since September so by April he was feeling safe and enjoyed his birthday.

The children's birthdays...well both have just had them in the last month and I was reminded/triggered that last year my heart wasn't in the marriage. I look at their birthday party photos from last year and see how vacant I was...I wasn't there.....it makes me cry. But that was ONE 4 month period....I don't think all birthday's etc will be tainted by my stupidity.

Not sure if this helps but I know how worried you'd be that special days will be forever tainted. I was too.

By the way CoG letter is really lame!!

They obviously don't want to get involved in "marital problems" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> but they need to wake up and take responsibility for two of their staff breaking code of conduct etc!

Just wanted you to know that I had all those triggers but that they have no power anymore in recovery. I suppose that will be true which ever way your recovery happens. Time heals...the bad memories become distant and dim. I don't dwell on them and they don't have power over me. I believe that will be true for you too.

At some point we have to choose to let go of the bad so that good can be built up again.

StrongFoundation and Trix - thanks.

I am a little bit blue today. I've just come back from DD5's school's summer fair - and remembering that last year we all went there together! Just me and the girls today. The weather has been beautiful, though, and the girls had a great time.

It's been nearly three months, and I'm angry with myself I guess that it can still affect me so much. My friend kept talking about a friend of hers whose husband left her for a younger woman, moved in with her, and they are still together after three years. That's my problem today - I keep hearing stories about A's that don't end - A's that last and when the WS doesn't return.

It seems like a lot less than 97% of A's are actually failing!

I know that three months isn't very long. And the exposure has yet to have its affect.


How true this is. If I hold on to the bad, to the pain, not only will it affect my chances of personal recovery, but it will also diminish my chances of winning WH back. No-one loves a sad sack.

Alph.

Mind you, the wife in this case found herself a new BF within 6 months of her WH leaving her. Guess that might have something to do with the fact that they didn't get back together!

Alph.

Hi Alph, sorry to hear you're down today.



I think thats true. The longer this goes on, the more chance that the greatest threat to your M is not going to be your H's wants, it will be YOUR loss of love for him and your lack of desire to work on the M or to avoid LBs etc. Its really important that you still have enough love to want to do the recovery work once the A ends - hence Plan B.

Also, 97% of As ending in under 2 years may sound high, but As are one of the great un-talked about things in our society IMO. They are so common and yet the deep suffering they cause is not really known. They are thought of as rare abberrations because most BSs and WSs don't discuss it, especially if the M recovered afterwards.

Hello again, smur!

I understand that As are common, and yet so unacknowledged, as you say. I think that my situation is much less common - the 'soulmate' A which makes spouses leave their families. These are much more likely to end in divorce - because of the intense feelings involved, because the WS often actively pursues the D, and because of the separation between the spouses. Frank Pittman in 'Private Lies' makes the point that most Ds that come about as the result of an A are instigated by the WS, not the BS. I also read somewhere (can't remember where) that 80% of people who divorced because of adultery regretted it later. I suspect that most of these people were involved in 'soulmate' affairs and regretted their decision to divorce when the romance died in their new relationship. Only then could they reflect upon what they had lost in their marriage.

I find myself thinking today about things I might be doing to make things easier for WH and OW. Certainly, the fact that the kids are with me 24/7 is the biggest thing. Obviously, I wouldn't have it any other way, but it is certainly allowing WH to behave like a bachelor again and go out and enjoy himself with OW as much as he likes. Then, when he feels a little guilty and remembers that he has children, he can come over and see the girls whenever he wants.

He claims he wants joint custody of the kids. Somehow, I don't think that OW really wants this, although she may well say so at the moment. One of the biggest tests of their 'love' would be to allow this - to give WH exactly what he wants. It would take a special woman indeed (young, single and career-minded as she is) to be able to take part responsibility for someone else's kids for three days a week.

Money is the other big enabler. I haven't taken anything from WH since he left (although he does pay for bills and mortgage, etc). I am on welfare, and WH hasn't given me anything for food/clothing etc since he left. He is spending money on the A at the moment as if there's no tomorrow, and when he has to start paying mandatory CS (£42, or $760 a month) reality will hit pretty hard. He will have to lean on OW for support - there will be no other way. She already pays the rent for their place, and all bills. Eventually, I imagine she will want him to contribute more. Somehow, WH thinks that a divorce will make him better off, I think. *laughs manically*

Alph.

Hey Alphin

My parents have friends who married their 2nd spouses, most of which were their OPs. Almost 100% confessed that they are having problems with their 2nd spouses --- not soon after they DV their 1st spouses and got re-married. I guess, the same problems resurfaces if they never tried to resolve them the 1st time round.

My WH also asked for sep and DV. I think it's the let me dump you before you dump me mentally. Makes them feel better.

I've already asked for legal advice and will be filing sep soon. He's already gone to stay at a friend's place for a week. And I have v. minimal contact with him now.

~A

Hi, Alph.

My WH seems to be under the impression that leaving his family will allow him to have more disposable income, too. His MOW has paid his rent a time or two and has contributed to him financially for other things.

I don't know how it is where you are, but my WH will have to pay child and spousal support. He will also have to provide health insurance for the children (in addition to the support), and maybe even provide health insurance for me. He will not be able to deduct child support on his tax return, and I do not have to claim it as income. It will come out to be a little less than half of his income.

Our WH's are about to get a huge dose of reality!

Hi Ashley88!


This is so true. On d/day, WH blamed me entirely for his A - told me what a horrible wife I'd been, dragged up things that happened years ago that I'd completely forgotten about, most of it completely trivial. I just sat there with my mouth open - apparantly the A was entirely my own fault and the only thing I didn't do was point a gun at him and force him into bed with the OW LOL.

My WH is deeply 'in love' with the OW - they are 'soulmates' and nothing else matters (except his kids, when he remembers them). He's thrown away a happy marriage for an A that had been going on for less than 3 months when he left us. Not a very logical choice, IMO. But, he's still living with her, and still seems just as besotted. All I can do is wait, and Plan A my butt off.

Pebbles,

How I long for that reality to set in. I just can't wait for next week to come, when my exposure at their school should hit them both very hard.

Alph.

Isn't it amazing how the WS all sound/ act the same most of the time? My WH blamed me indirectly for the affair in that "it's not you, it's me" drival. Basically, he really means, "it's you". He also brought up a few really v. trival things.

WH is already beginning to feel the wham of financial reality. Even tho' I'm currently out of job, I'm the more cash rich one and the one more capable of getting a higher-paying job. We are of coz in debt because of the mortgage but at least I still have some savings. He's totally flat broke now and living on the current month's pay. Now, he intends to move out and rent an apartment. He can't even pay much maintenance to me! I say good luck.

~A

Hi Alph,

Yes, I understand the 'soulmate' thing must certainly be laughable to listen to if it wasn't so jaw-droppingly serious.

Many of the BSs on here had WSs who considered the OP their 'soulmate' or were 'deeply in love' with the OP.

Some of the FWSs on here thought at the time that the OP was their 'soulmate' and made plans to leave with OP, or even actually left. So its not so uncommon. The withdrawal and fog seems to last a little longer in these situations.

I understand about joint custody - I imagine it would certainly throw a spanner in the works of the A. But,as you say, your kids' needs must come first.
I think money worries and OW's job will be a huge dose of reality to the A....
Hang in there!

Alph,

Just think if OW really does lose her job and then where shall they live? Esp. if she is paying all the bills now and he has to pay you large amounts.

I thinks maybe he might want to come back and stay at the house with you? Then you could work some Plan A in to the picture.

You are right waiting until next week when exposure hits them upside the head will be the next wave of war for them. And yes H said he was "in love" with OW here too, and that it wasn't me, it was him that I was actually a good wife and he didn't understand why things happened the way they did. Bla, bla, bla you know?

It's all wayward script [censored]!

Just ignore it all. They have to justify the A or they would look like the dorks they are in a fully blown A hurting their spouses and children for their own pleasures.

Read Orchids reverse babble and use it.

HINY

HINY,

If OW loses her job, I'll have a huge party, and everyone on the board is invited (with you as my guest of honour). But I don't think it will happen. It's a lovely dream, though.

WH came to take the girls out yesterday. I'd made a real effort with how I looked. Marks and Spencers little tight top, and a lovely skirt I haven't been able to get into for years.

When WH arrived, I made a show of rushing about (I had dinner guests coming later) and went out to the shops before WH left with the girls. When I was walking back, WH was just putting them in the car, and he watched me walking all the way down the street until I reached them. We smiled together, and joked. I waved to the girls. Then they left.

So, WH was smiley, and almost flirty when they came back. (though this is probably wishful thinking on my part - he's so faithful to the Omelette!) When he left to go back to her he gave me such a huge smile, and that made me a little sad because today is the day when exposure is going to hit, I think.

I doubt I'll be getting any more smiles from him for a while!

Alph.

Alph

I have said this before - my Squid was utterly besotted with OM, to the detriment of her treatment of the kids and even her own health. She called him: " the great love of the second part of (her) life".

She asked me to find someone else so I could be happy.

The only reason she didn't leave me for him was that OM wasn't serious, and didn't want to lose his home life.

And now she loves me, is a great and repentant Mom and wife.

Don't be downhearted - almost every success story here had a 'deep love' between WS and OP. Its based on fantasy not true love. ALmost always.

Your friends who are still togethr after 3 years who knows their situation? Perhaps both their BS threw them out and they had nowhere else to go ?

Just live, breath and concentrate on your plan A right now.

Don;t worry about how deeply 'in love' your WH is.

They all are and most affairs end.