[color:"green"] Alphin

Plz don't take this the wrong way. The OW didn't take your life away. She rid you of something that was very very bad for you. I know becouse of the love you had for him it did and still does hurt. Plz use this to grow stronger and move to something better in your life. I have no doubt you still have a great deal of love to give. Don't be in a rush but there are many like yourself out there that are the same way. I hope you find the right man that will give you and your children all the love you deserve. Untill that happens give those children all the love you can and you will reap the reward from that for the rest of your life.[/color]

(((((Alphin)))))

Do you still feel any love for your WH? Any?

Is divorce what YOU want?

Can I offer you a place to stay in the Alps for a week with your kids to relax and recuperate? Ryanair flys cheap from London to Salzburg...I'd pick you up.

Can Tummytuck come too? javascript:void(0)
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Alphin, this is all so wonderful to read from the outside looking in. So many people are caring for you. My WH also moved out on Dday but he came back after about 3 weeks. He then moped around for the next few months, not giving me the time of day. So I moved away with the girls. Couldn't stand being in the house with him not wanting to be there. He's been living with her for 8 months now and it has all started to fall apart (her kid despises my WH - tee hee). It has really taken a long time for him to see that the grass is not necessarily greener. I understand your need to divorce yourself from his madness. In fact it might be the kick up the [censored] that he needs. But it might not. The fact that omelette doesn't have kids, a husband etc makes it an easier affair. Less complications. There's no fool like a fool 'in love'. It won't last - if it did we'd all still be head over heels with our husbands.

Where abouts in England are you. I'll be in London and Liverpool. Any use?

Oh, and Bob, I can't fathom having those thoughts about the OP. I'm beginning to thing I have a personality defect. I'm not sure that I love enough or hate enough. tt

Alph .... why hasn't your dork-geek of a WH filed for divorce hisownself?

Pep

Alph

This is a rollercoaster. You have to not be carried away by good days and progress, nor destroyed by bad ones.

I STILL have bad days. Had one day before yesterday as it happens.

I find it helps me to look at teh facts of my situation rather than how I feel about it.

The facts of your sit:

Bad

WH is living with OW
Exposure seems slow to work
you are really , sad, hurt and impatient.

Good
WH is so stressed he's drinking heavier and started smoking again
OW and WH WILL be affected by exposure very soon indeed if they haven't yet
Your WH is noticing yoru plan A improvements judging by your posts
You have a plan, THEY have desperation.

You can quit anytime, but Alph divorce doesn't cease pain, darl'. Its a grand gesture, but you will still have to work through your issues caused by this affair, divorce or not.

I had days just as dark as you. Honest. There's days i PRAYED for God to take away the inexplicable love I felt for Squid - the vicious spitting creature she became, but I stuck with the plan, in teh absence of any othe ridea.

And now she is in love with me, a greta Mom and wife and we we are working of a greta mariage together. We haveplans for teh rest of our lives together.

There are MANY MANY couples in a good place now who felt as low as you at one time or another.

Just know you CAN divorce any time, just knowing you have that sword undrawn made me feel better - able to carry on.

Uncle Bob suggests you get WH to babysot ( without Tortilla) and go out on the lash, dressed to kill with your girlfriends, and make the [censored] worry while you enjoy yourself this WORKS, Pep convinced me to MONTHS ago and it REALLY works both for your personal recovery AND as a plan A tactic. Don't tell him where you're going or who with. just times.

Do it this Friday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

{{{{Alph}}}}

Cat A and RHM.

Thank you for looking in on me. I'm afraid you caught me at my very lowest point so far. I'm glad I had the board to rant/scream/cry on, but I very much regret much of what I posted here earlier. Cat, yes my WH is being pretty horrible at the moment. It's like nothing exists except his A with OW, and no-one else's feelings matter because they aren't a part of their great 'love'. All I can do is hope that the fog clears. I've called it a pea-souper before on this forum. It isn't. It's like lard. RHM, despite what I said earlier, I'm not quite finished with WH yet. I do intend to have a good and happy life in the future, but whether it's with WH or not is up to him. I can't make him change. I will try to make myself better, though.

Hope17 - sorry it took me so long to get back to you. What a silly day I've had - guess it showed, huh? MIL doses me with Bach Rescue Remedy when I visit her. I don't like it at all! But I know it's good stuff. Another one to add to the shopping list!

Orchid - I'm always grateful for your posts. No, I don't think that WH is capable of carrying out a D at this point - he's pretty disorganised at the best of times. Whether OW would help him out is another matter. I'm sure she's more than willing to do the paperwork for him! WH expects me to divorce him - filling out nasty divorce forms and talking to attys spoils his romance with OW.

TT - hello. I'm in the northeast - pretty far up! You are so kind. It is good to hear about you sitch and how there is trouble in paradise! It's a shame that Omelette is single, I know this makes it harder for me and easier for them, as you say. But if the A continues, OW will have to adjust to my kids. One is sullen and hormonal, the other is 'spirited', shall we say? WH and OW live in a two bedroom flat. I am more and more tempted to allow genuine joint custody for WH (ie three nights a week) and see how OW handles that in their cosy little lovenest.

losttranslation,

How I wish I could take you up on your incredibly generous offer - could I take a raincheck? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I can't take the girls out of school any more this year, and I have things I have to do here (girls don't have passports yet, either).

I do still love him, very much. I guess that's why I crash so low, and so hard. I don't want a divorce. I can still do this. Plan A back on track tomorrow!

Pep,

He's too lazy to get a divorce. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

b0b,

What can I say - thanks for putting up with me (again). You are such a fine person. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am going to the doctor tomorrow to get some ADs. I obviously can't go on like this any more.

I am feeling much better now. I am so sorry for freaking out like that. The doctor will sort me out.

Alph.

'night Alph. Bed early as I'm flying to Edinbugh tomorrow.

And go out on the last tomorrow. I should send Squid up ! She's a fun lass to go out with !

'Night b0b.
Thanks again.

Alph.

Alph ... he doesn't file for divorce because he is ambivalent about it ....

OW may be pushing him to file ... and if she is ... it is likely he is lying to her saying something like, "Alph is fighting the divorce." .... or "If I file now, I might lose the right to see my kids." ....

all is not well in WHOville

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Alphin,

I’m glad you are feeling better. I was a little worried about you.

Allow me to quote from a post of Believer’s: “As the Harley's say, now you are the most dangerous thing to your marriage. You could turn your back on him, and file for divorce. He deserves it, and you have that right.”

If it’s a D he wants, you must make him do all, every last bit, of the work. You, on the other hand should go to plan B first. I sure wish you would talk to one of the Harleys. Heck, I’d pay for it if I could figure out how.

Follow Bob’s advice about going out. You should tweak H’s nose a little. It’s always amazed me the amount of jealousy a WS can have (even mine, who essentially had a second H for half our M). Go figure. But then, go out to help you feel better – any fallout on him is extra.

“Everything is going the way of the infidels; nothing seems to be happening against them. Exposure has done NOTHING so far.”

This is so common. I lucked out with confronting OM. Being a first string player he saw additional exposure as a serious threat to his other A’s as well as his M and his job. Exposure happened anyway, via a weird anonymous letter (I think it was from an H of one of his other OWs) to me and his W several months later. His W finding out didn’t mean much since she believed his lies at first. But we did coordinate NC for six months or so. That helped me feel a bit better.

I fantasize all kinds of non-lethal revenge on OM. I could ruin his life, actually. But, it would take too much effort - effort better spent on my M, with DS and on me. I have handed it all over to God. Well, I have to hand it over to Him every morning before I get out of bed.

“WH is coming around here much less than he used to. I think he may be planning legal steps to gain more access to the girls.”

Probably just the opposite. Many WH, if not most, slowly detach from their children. Even my FWW came over less and less while we were separated. It’s a symptom of their feelings of entitlement – if something isn’t easy, if you don’t go out of your way for them, they dismiss or ignore it (and complain). This even applies to their own children. In your case, I bet omelet is not all that enamored of your children anyway.

“The problem with WH is that he doesn't feel a bit guilty about the A - all the family knows and it makes no difference.”

Oh, he feels guilty when he lets his guard down. You can be sure of it. As to family not making a difference, it seemed like that to me too. FWW’s immediate family didn’t seem to care at all. They still don’t. Her sister got her in touch with a lawyer right away “to protect her rights,” convinced her to split our finances without telling me (half our bank account suddenly disappeared), and her mother didn’t want to get involved at all. Her whole family is one big collection of enablers. They have never even hinted to her that an A is wrong in any way.

Lastly, “If WH doesn't wake up, then I have a right to a fresh start, a new life, and happiness.”

You sure do. You will have it, too. We all see this in you

With prayers,

Hi Pep,

Thanks for coming back. I have cancelled my appointment with the atty tomorrow. Bet that happens a lot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

He may be ambivalent. It's so hard to tell. I always thought I could read him like a book. Now he's shut up so tight I can't get any inkling at all. Typical, I suppose.

I had no idea he was having an A, either, until d/day. He played it perfectly!

He is coming round here tomorrow to see DD5. I wonder if he'll speak to me, or just take her to the park again. If I'm necking my Ad's by then I might just ask to go along!

Alph.

Hi Aphelion,

It's always nice when you pop in. I think about your son a great deal - how's he doing?

I often wonder what OW thinks about the kids. One of the first things that WH said to me after he dropped the bomb was that she was 'eager to meet the children'. Now, unless she's some kind of saint, and we know that isn't the case, I can't believe this is true - certainly not any more. She's had nearly three months of WH all to herself. You and I know how hard it is when your own child pops into the world and takes over your lives. I can't imagine suddenly being faced with someone else's kids, and all the strange and hostile stuff they must be thinking about you. She can't expect them to like her - can she? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

What I meant about the family is that they are actually appalled by what has happened, but WH doesn't notice, or doesn't care. He and OW blunder into their lives, hitting WH's family over the head with the sledgehammer of their own happiness, and think that all should share in the joy. It's unreal.

Wanting to get divorced ASAP in this situation is, I now realise, like when I wanted to die when WH first left. It's a way of trying to end the pain. Dying sure does end the pain, but leaves a mess behind you. Divorce doesn't end the pain, and still leaves a mess behind you. Divorce isn't, I've decided, a very practical way to approach my pain. So I'm getting Ad's instead.

It's so much harder to get them in the UK, though. I think I am a strong candidate, however!

Alph.

Alph,

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Plan A is tough. Well, all of this affair stuff is no fun at all. I know the first thing I want to do when I can afford health insurance is get some ADs.

I don't really have any helpful advice for you. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Maybe try to do something fun for you, something WH would not want you to do if he were there. That's always makes me feel better. Sometimes I load the dishwasher with all the dishes facing different directions. That always bugged WH. I chuckle to myself when I do it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

THINK about this from the OW perspective.... YOU and the GIRLS are the BIG THREAT to ~her~ happiness with a MM.

Here's this man.... he has a wife and kids....

She has to walk a line that plays like this ...

"the kids won't mind a divorce so much once they get used to it"
"kids are happy only if their parents are happy"
"if your wife realized you and I are soulmates, she'd let you go"
"your wife never treated you the way you deserve to be treated"

Alph ... do you notice the HUGE imbalance in their relationship?

OW gives up what for their affair ??? .... not much.

Your H, on the other hand .... gives up

his family album (all the pictures of your happy times)

his home and all the posessions so carefully selected to make it comfy

his financial security of having only one roof to worry about supporting

his shared history (there is a shytload of memories he will never be able to mention to her .... songs, holidays, movies, funny quirky things that happened ... all unmentionable because OW is excluded)

all those little everyday moments raising kids that are never recaptured because the sands of time ..... never stop

goodnite kisses

wiping tears

tickle fights

family dinners

...... he gives up a huge part of his life ... sacrificed .... and believe-you-me ..... he's not entirely certain he really wants to give all that up

Most MM want their affair woman kept on the side so they can enjoy both the full time family and the OW's company....

BUT a SINGLE OW does not want that ! She wants HIM torn away from his nice life so she can have him ... and it is a damn LIE that it is good for the kids ... and the man who gives up his kids to be with a OW KNOWS in his heart .... he is doing something really scummy .... he does.

Can you imagine Alph ... sacrificing your childrens' company for an outsider? What if that outsider made it seem like the sacrifice is "no big deal"? You might believe it for awhile ... but in your heart you'd know ... it is a very big deal ... and the only reason the outside person says "it's no big deal" ... is because THEY are not doing the sacrificing.

It's a very UNeven deal .... he gives up almost his entire life ... and OW gives up next to nothing.

Eventually, this imbalance causes friction.... you'll see.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hey, you wouldn't believe the amount of ABBA I've been playing since WH left (he hates ABBA - calls it the original manufactured Eurotrash - he's a music teacher, and a real music snob sometimes). So I play it loud and strong, and do all the stupid dances with DD5.

Alph.

Pep, you blow me away with your wisdom.

Since MIL told me that OW was a 'strong' person (not meek like yours truely), I've been thinking about how much the OW has 'encouraged' WH to leave us. WH is also quite a 'meek' person. I don't think he'd have left without a great deal of encouragement.

Alph.

Sorry to threadjack, but I had to say thank you to Pep for posting that about the uneven sacrifice of what the MM and the OW give up. My OW is a MOW but living singly. That post brought tears to my eyes.

I hope our WHs are smart enough to figure it out.

I think that your WH will be thinking long and hard about what he's given up tonight, Peb. And, like Gimble said, OW won't be able to make it better.

Alph.

Alphin, I hope you feel better when you wake up. You should be in sleepy bo-bo land at the moment. I had my worst day since Dday (over 16 months ago!) last Monday. A lot of [censored] happened here last week and it sent me into a frenzy. I'm in sheer terror of screwing up my 14 yr old by moving away but for the first time I just felt I had to remove myself from all WH's madness. (ie, leave HK). She's embarking on her GCSE's. She's daddy's girl. Has one wonderful best friend. HK really has been her only home. This is the same for the twins but they have each other and are just completely different characters. My mum thinks I'm putting the girls' happiness before my own - but don't all mums do that at important times?

You struck a chord with me about allowing Omelette access to the kids. My friend always says that kids are like farts - you can just about stand your own! It might be worth trying. Plan B sounds like a solution for you at the moment. Just to give you a break from his nonsense. It might be better than AD's.

I also think, if you can get your head around things, that the dressing up/going out idea should be tried out. I'll bet he'll wonder where you're off to! and who you're with!

Really hope you find your sparkle today. TT