You know the old saying

be careful what you ask for, you might get it

goes double for those in affairs! He's not filing for divorce ... and, why not? He wants YOU to file! So, don't!

Do not feel intimidated. Push that emotional extravagance out of yourself. Your girls cannot use your meekness. They need a warrior-mommie. This is war. You are fighting for them.

Pep

Alphin, he's still meek. He's simply taking on protective coloration from the 'intimidating' OW.

That may not be much consolation, but it's worth remembering when you're dealing with him. He hasn't suddenly grown big muscles and horns - but he has a big, muscly, horned woman odering him about behind the scenes. He's brave and defiant when he's got her impetus pushing him, but I'll bet you anything that when he has to think for himself, he's a ball of wet tissue.

If he chooses to stick with the Horned One because she gives him the toughness he lacks in himself, would you really want such a weakling back?

Right now, she's pleased because he's so biddable. In a while, she's going to realise that he's just as quick to give in to others. Then it won't seem nearly such an attractive quality.

TogetherAlone

I like the idea of being a warrior-mommie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mediation doesn't really mean anything, anyway - though I will make my point as recommended by you good people. What's really great is that WH has to pay for it and I don't. Nothing said is admissable in court. I also think it will be a good place for us just to talk - without children boucing around, and with a trained mediator there to stop us love busting! It isn't meant to be about counselling, but when I went to see the mediator, he said that couples sometime do find they can talk better than they thought, and move onto counselling on their own.

Pep, he does want me to file (or did, when he first left - he hasn't mentioned it since). I got the papers from court and everything, and the only thing that stopped me from filling them out was that they were so darned complicated. And you had to fill out two copies as well.

So I gave them to WH instead. I told him 'You want the divorce, you fill them out, you divorce me.' So he's got them now. But I guess he hasn't filled them out.

Alph.

Just journalling...

Now exposure is done, and now I have my ADs, I can look forward to continuing my plan A without interference from so many unpleasant, negative emotions.

WH was around here tonight. I looked as good as I could, and smiled and talked with him a bit whilst DD5 made paper airplanes. I made him a cup of tea (that's one thing I KNOW I do better than OW!). When I wasn't in the room with DD5 and WH, I hummed and sang a little, and listened to the radio.

I don't think I'll be posting here so much for a while. It has become a bit of an obsession, and although it has been invaluable a source of support, for which I am eternally grateful, I need to start building my life outside of this forum. I know what I need to do with plan A - I just need to do it.

I have many other things I want to do, just for me. I must start doing them.

Alph.

You sound good, Alph!

Warm hugs and wishing you the quiet, peaceful strength that comes from knowing what is best for yourself and your children.

Hi, Lost.

Thanks for the hugs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How did the romantic evening go?

Alph.

Alphin,

Agreed.

The MB site can become an obsession or even, dare I say it, an addiction. The past few months I've come into this site has given me new insight into why affairs can happen. I needed the messageboards to learn about what my H had done and maybe why he did it, but along the line I found I needed to come her every day, sometimes many times a day, to make me feel better about myself and not alone.

Every day I get up I say I won't be looking into MB today - but I do.
Has this become my FIX to feel better and normal.
Does this parallell what our WS get from the OP.
And before anyone starts ranting about it not being the same, please just take a few minutes to think about why you come here, time, after time, after time.
Because we get the fix we need from each other.
Well hell, I know I do.

But the differences with us BS and our WS is that we seem ro recognise when we need to take charge of our own actions and feelings, and stop something that is not good for us or for others.

So Alphin, you take a rest from here and make some decisions that feel right for you.
You've been given all the advice and scenarios from your friends here, but you'll know best what decisions are most comfortable for you and your girls.

Big Hug - 2 U and your Girls <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hope

Thanks, Hope.

And yet - here I am again!!!

The biggest draw is that everyone understands here. No-one else outside the boards does. I talk to my friends, they just say 'dump him and move on.' No one can believe that marriages can not only be saved after an A but can actually be better.

So I post here because people understand, and they give me hope in a way that the 'outside world' can't. And I need to rant, and cry (all over my keyboard) and laugh too, at the ridiculous antics of the WS aliens. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I do need a little more balance - more time in the outside world - but I still need this place too.

Perhaps when the ADs kick in... then I'll be strong enough to let go a bit.

Alph.

Thanks for asking!

Don't want to threadjack, but its a funny story. I'll add it to my "tired enough to let go thread".

Three months since d/day.

Funny how I still expect him to show some sign that he cares about me. I still expect him to send me an affectionate/saucy text message.

I still expect him to ask to speak to me when he calls the girls.

I occasionally even expect him to come home to me after work.

I cook too much food. I haven't quite got the hang of interacting with the kids without him.

The fact he isn't here still seems wrong. It still seems unnatural.

How will thing feel in another three months?

Alph.

Just thinking about your situation Alph. Have you got legal advice?

I felt this to be quite empowering for me. Knowing what my rights were, what my financial situation would be should it come to a divorce.

Hi Lost,

Yeah, that's all taken care of - more or less!

Divorce settlements are usually pretty good for women in the UK, especially if they have custody of the children.

I won't make it easy for WH if we divorce (I'm certainly going to take everything I'm entitled to) - he has to feel the consequences of his actions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

They are good for women here, too.

Hmmmm... Maybe your lawyer should draw up a little draft of just what WH will or will not end up with after a D and send a copy to OW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

What, just a piece of A4 with a great big fat ZERO on it?

*laughs manically*

Alph.

Dear Alphin,

MBers feel compelled to post here because it fills a need. In my case this was true and now I post to return some of the help that was so graciously given to me back in 2001.

U know what is best for you and your family. Post when you can but main thing is to take care of you and your family.

BTW, the WS trying to get the BS to do the D paperwork is a basic WS principle. Nothing new about that twisting practice. The course a WS takes is sooo predictable it is sickening. Still hearing other's stories helps cuz' when that stuff happens to us we are more prepared and can react without staying in shock.

Remember clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Kill 'em with kindness. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Aloha,
L.

Hi Orchid,

It's always a pleasure to get a post from you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Why does the WS always ask the BS to 'do' the divorce? So they don't feel guilty? Because filling in nasty legal forms isn't very romantic? Can't their alien brains decypher the writing?

Alph.

Oh, dear.

My new, slightly creepy downstairs neighbour has just tried to ask me out, I think.

He's a biker. Has three of them (don't know anything about motorbikes, so don't ask which ones, please <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ).

He was talking to me today about another bike <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> that he's thinking of buying - these blinking things are already taking up half the back yard, folks - and he was going on about what a beauty it was, and when he bought it I should come for a ride with him, as it's the fastest way to get anywhere. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

O-KAAAY.

Girls, you know sometimes when you meet a guy, and you immediately get that 'uh-oh' warning feeling about them? Got it instantly with this guy. He's single (divorced/widowed I don't know) and lives downstairs with his DS18. Whenever he hears me out in the back yard he comes out and starts talking to me.

I don't know what to say to him. He's my neighbour, and I don't want to offend him, obviously. I'm so out of this game - I can't remember the last time a man tried it on.

One of the things I was looking forward to most this summer was hanging out on the deck in my back yard, enjoying my plants and the sun. Now I just want to avoid going out there, in case BikerCreep comes out and starts bothering me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Urrgh!

Alph.

Last night when I was bringing in DD5's toys from the yard BikerCreep offered to 'make some phonecalls' to 'speed up' my claim for child support.

Perhaps he's just being kind and neighbourly, but warning bells are going off like crazy. He knows I'm still married, and only separated (not divorced).

What can I say to him? I'm so embarrassed, and don't want to cause any friction.

Is he just being kind? Am I paranoid?

Alph.

WS wants the BS t/d the dirty work.

WS is dumb enough to think if they are not the ones to get the D paperwork, they are less guilty.

Their alien brains can't do math or paperwork. Their batteries are dead.

L.

My response to Bikerdude w/b:

'Thanks for the offer but right now I am working with a support group (don't mention what kind of support group) on this case and they are helping me. I certainly appreciate the gesture though. It is just hard for me to have too many things going on at the same time.'

Acknowledge his offer, then say you already have it under control and it is hard to take on another support person.

This will also let him know you are not alone in this mess. If he asks how big is your support group, say.... at least 50. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.