Here's my problem with this.

I used to be like this - never afraid to take the initiative, always wanting H etc. I've always had a forthright attitude to SF. But I don't think H likes that in me.

He began rejecting me if I made the first move sometimes. He seemed embarrassed if I made overtly sexual comments, when we were alone!

I've never understood it. He's never seemed to find me particularly attractive, or commented much on how I look. He's never eyed me up and down. It's been very demoralising sometimes, to be honest.

Then of course, when he left, he said that the way I looked was never important to him.

I don't think the direct approach would work with him. Understand Pep, b0b, I used to be all for it, but it turned H off. I'm at a loss.

Alph.

On a lighter note, however - when WH and the girls were out this afternoon, I assembled my new desk and put it in my bedroom (I have blisters on my hand from using the screwdriver!). Set up the old laptop - only has enough power for word-processing so no distractions from games etc. Plugged in the printer. Put a comfy chair there.

All ready to go. Just need to turn on the laptop and start writing.

Such a big step. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alph

How seductive you are is your bag. You know your WH better than anyon eon earth.

If he likes coquettish, shy, flirty, dirty whatever - be it.

your job is to let ho know you are what he desires, and he need not go to tortilla for that.
And if you reply " but what if I can;t be what he desires?" I SWEAR I'll come round your house and make you eat micro chips !

Wow, this thread was way over on page 3.

Came across this and thought of you:

Fish oils give hope to patients with Crohn's disease
BOLOGNA, ITALY. Crohn's disease is characterized by periods of active disease interspersed with periods of remission. Now researchers at the University of Bologna report that fish oils prevent relapses. Their experiment involved 78 patients with Crohn's disease who had been classified as having a high risk of relapse. half the patients were randomized to receive nine fish oil capsules daily, the other half received nine placebo capsules daily. The fish oil capsules contained 500 mg of a marine lipid concentrate each (40 per cent eicosapentaenoic acid and 20 per cent docosahexaenoic acid) and provided a total of 2.7 grams of n-3 fatty acids per day. The capsules were enteric-coated so a to ensure that they dissolved in the small intestine instead of in the stomach and to minimize unpleasant side effect such as flatulence, heartburn, belching, and diarrhea. The results of the fish oil therapy were spectacular. While 69 per cent of the patients in the control group had a relapse during the one-year study period, only 28 per cent in the therapy group did. At the end of the one-year period 59 per cent of the patients in the fish oil group were still in remission as compared to only 26 per cent in the placebo group. The researchers conclude that fish oil therapy (with enteric-coated capsules) is effective in preventing relapses in patients with Crohn's disease in remission. (NOTE: This study was supported in part by Tillotts Pharma of Switzerland, the manufacturer of the enteric-coated fish oil capsules).
Billuzzi, Andrea, et al. Effect of an enteric-coated fish-oil preparation on relapses in Crohn's disease. The New England Journal of Medicine, Vol. 334, No. 24, June 13, 1996, pp. 1557-60

Hey Trix,

Thanks for that. I understand that similar studies have been carried out on omega 3 rich oils.

I take omega 3 capsules - it's hard to know at the moment what is effective, as I seem to take so many different things!


I've been neglecting it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Alph.

I was told I would reach this point, though I didn't believe it!

I am now more of a threat to my marriage than WH is.

I have talked on this thread and others about wanting to get a divorce from WH. Up to now, this was because I was hurting badly, and wanted to end the pain and humiliation. Divorce seemed at the time a way of escaping the horror of what had happened to me.

This morning I woke up, and felt something I barely recognised. I felt happy. There was an absence of desperation. I washed, got dressed. I looked at myself in the mirror. I look better than I have for years - slim, energetic - and happy.

I realised that, at the moment, I am better than both WH and OW. I haven't left my family. I stayed with my children and looked after them when my only instinct was to seek oblivion. I have remained faithful to my H thoughout my marriage, and not through lack of opportunity to stray, but because I loved him and believed in my marriage, even during difficult times. Many times I have been deeply unhappy in my marriage, and it seems that at these times, opportunities to stray do present themselves - or maybe it's just because that's when you consider it. But I never took that step, because I have a deep commitment to family, and to my H. I always thought things would get better during those bad times. And they did.

I am better than the OW because I do not steal husbands and wreck children's lives. She may be younger than me, but I am slimmer, more feminine and more attractive. Apart from this, I don't know much about her, and I'm losing interest.

I feel like phoning her up this evening, and telling her she's welcome to him.

I do feel like filing. Not because I'm scared, or depressed, or in pain. But because I am happy today - I am finally used to sleeping on my own, and sleep much better! I am lonely still, yes, but it's better to be lonely because you are on your own than to be lonely because your H ignores you, because he gets drunk and falls asleep in front of the TV every night. I buy the food I want, do the things I want, and don't feel guilty about anything. I don't blame myself for the affair at all, not any more. That was his choice. I always chose not to be unfaithful.

So, people. Persuade me not to file. I have an appointment with SH tomorrow - is it still worth paying all the money I've set aside for it? Perhaps this is just the ADs finally kicking in, perhaps I will crash again tomorrow, but I don't think so.

I deserve happiness, and love, and affection. I think about WH, and I wonder if I could ever accept these things from him again. I don't feel I want them now, even if he offered them - which I don't think he will. If he is happy with OW, fine. Let them be happy.

My life and my children are more important than them.

Alph.

Alph,

Yay!!! I'm thrilled you feel so happy....plan A is working for you and has begun replenishing your self esteem....you admire yourself!!!(just like we admire you for the strong woman you are)....but I think you should still talk with SH. If for no other reason than you would always wonder what advice he;d give.

You've come this far....I think you should make sure you've done everything possible so that you don't have regrets later - that you didn't quite exhaust all avenues.

But should it not work you know you can be happy.....you know you can put boundaries in place and you know you can give your girls a wonderful mummy and role figure of a woman.

alphin, I understand what you are going thru and saying... I felt that way actually since WH moved out of the hse almost a month ago. I slept and ate better.. I did my own things without being answerable to someone. Still I was a little sad coz I missed having "someone" to be with, and it was also abit scary coz you KNOW you are moving on and will be fine.

Take one step at a time, live one day at a time

~A

StrongFoundation,

You're right - I have come this far. I always wanted to do the phone counseling, and now I can afford it, I don't feel I need it! But I think I will do it, anyway. As you say, so I have no regrets.

Ashley,

I do still miss having someone around, but it's a healthy kind of loneliness, isn't it? It's better than feeling lonely because you are being ignored.

I'll hold off on the D for a while - I've no need to rush into it. I still feel inclined to make WH do all the work on it anyway, as he caused all of this. Maybe I'll start nagging him to divorce me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Well that's certainly true and a wise statement indeed.


My WH is now chasing me to get the sep deed done.. I did get a lawyer to draw one up coz of the huge financial issues that WH caused and I had to protect myself first. I think WH wants his A to be "public" now.. the OW must be pressurising him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

~A

Its a rollercoaster Alph. You feel good and strong today. Enjoy it, but do not make your family's best interests subject to how you feel about it. Thats what WH did....

Only you know when plan B is right for you. i would recommend that you assess how you feel in a few weeks. If you sre still bullish and considering a D, then go to plan B.

You can of course do what you want. Divorce him now if you want to. Just make sure its the right decision first not based on one happy day.

{{{{Alph}}}}

Hmm.

I want to divorce him when I'm happy, and I want to divorce him when I'm miserable.

Guess I should make important decisions only on middle-of-the-road days!

I'm certainly not going to file on a whim, or on the strength of one happy day. I've just realised that there's more to me than my marriage - much more.

I don't need it any more. I'm not frightened of being alone. I think I'm done with plan A. I'm not going to LB, but I'm not going out of my way to be nice any more. I'm detaching, and letting him go.

That book I ordered for WH arrived today. I think I might just keep it for myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

I meant to ask about your writing. Have you started waxing lyrical on your computer yet?

Not yet. But I plan to start very soon. I need to get a new charger for the laptop, as the old one is dead. Then I'm sorted.

I'm reading Stephen King's 'On Writing', though!

Alph.

Sounds like you are getting ready for Plan B earlier than you thought....the idea is to preserve any love you have for him while he faces life without Alphin in it.

Your signature "Losing interest in the marriage fast...." is that just today? Or have you had an internal shift over the last few days whilst quietly mulling?

SNAP!! My laptop's charger is dead too...this is the second one to die in under 2 years...it's a Dell and apparently the charger for Dell's laptops are notorious for breaking down.

Problem is, he's already lived three months pretty much Alphin-free. I only see him with the kids, and there's nothing to encourage me.

I know that's all part of plan A - all give and no take - but I don't want to do it any more.

I was having a great day today, then the mother of one of DD12's friends told me that DD12 had told her daughter that she felt I'd died inside and left her too when WH left.

That made me feel a little sick, I can tell you. I know I was a mess the first month after he left, but I thought I'd pulled myself together since then.

I know I don't need him, and now i don't really want him either. I want to move on.

The only thing that stays my hand is the girls, and how happy they would be if we reconciled. I'd only be doing it for them now.

As for the laptop, mine's a Toshiba, but the charger wasn't the original one. Cheap and shoddy - probably lucky it didn't blow the laptop up!

Alph.

Sorry you had to hear that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> . I'm sure your DD12 thinks you are a strong and magnificent person for pulling yourself out of that initial despair. And you know, if something inside you hadn't of died this new improved Alphin wouldn't have risen from the ashes.

If you went to Plan B it would cut all contact. I know he's not physically there but he has seen you and your changes, he has even been out with you as a family unit to DD12's play. His little fantasy of being able to go out as a family would be blown apart by Plan B.

This is all good stuff to talk to SH about. It sounds like you are at a crux point and he could help sort out what you want from here on out.

Saving a marriage for the children is not a sound idea....but you know that anyway don't you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

We don't call this a rollercoaster for nothing!

There are more turns and dips ahead.... just fasten your seat belt.

Thanks, StrongFoundation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I'll talk to SH about this. I feel I should go into plan B immediately, but it just isn't practical until after the summer holidays.

I'm sure I can make it till then.

Alph.