Wrong motives? Why do you think that? Perhaps he was friendly, and not flirting. Or maybe he was flirting, but couldn't tell you were 10 years older, or doesn't see anything wrong with it. He didn't "make a move", did he? And he certainly COULD have. Again, not understanding why you are upset... I know getting out there and understanding the flirting game is scary. I'm there too. But you DO have to trust people... and allow for some learning and experiencing... without deciding your whole dating life is doomed.

(((((((lordslady))))))

LL,

Absolutely your right to be comfortable or not with that. I only wanted to say not all younger guys are being nefarious in their pursuit of an older woman.

That was it, nothing more.

I'm one of those that doesn't care much about age as long as we have a common frame of reference.

RebornMan

I'm not upset with him, if that's what you're asking. I'm upset with me, just because of what I assume, how I react, blah, blah, on and on.

He's not yet 30. Regardless whether Ashton and Demi are really in love or not, it's hard for me to imagine a guy really being genuinely interested in a woman my age at his age, other than for the reasons I was assuming. (Perhaps I should take THAT as a compliment even though I'm not going there, except that some guys will bed just about anything...as will some women.)

And while the May/December thing may work for some, it's more the generation gap and the fact that I have no intentions of bearing any more children (something that guys of a certain age and younger, especially if childless, may be interested in). I know, that's jumping way ahead, but it's something that has come to mind many times given that my age is right at that cut-off point where women today are still having babies.

So maybe he was a genuinely okay guy. I'll try not to just assume the worst. It was sort of a fun experience and scary all at the same time.

But now here I am saying, "Okay so for real, how to maybe dip my toes in the water of dating???" But that's not the topic of this post. Gotta think on that one.

hehe. I think this is the best place to leave it. I feel like an idiot sometimes, so I guess I understand that (your quote) - not an idiot but like you said, fun but scary, must be how you are feeling. I was afraid you were assuming the worst - his motives were bad - etc. - even though I didn't see bad motives in the story you told. No harm was done, anyway. If he calls you back for a date (LOL) at least you know his age, and you are prepared to politely turn him away. I think men his age can be attracted to women your age - and like RM said, age doesn't matter to some people. I have a hard time "reading" some people's age. (andddddddd you don't look 39). I couldn't date someone 10 years younger, although I could date someone 10 years older. It seems OK for the man to be older. Dunno why. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

((((((lordslady))))) hang in there. We'll survive this. LOL

Okay, hopefully my final question on this one:

Because I really do appreciate all the time he's spent helping me over the last month and the personal service I've received, and just his being so enjoyable to deal with, would it be wrong to send a quick thank-you note to him at the store, or should I just leave it at the verbal thank-you he got as I flew out the door today?

LL,

Two things I want to add...

One, Faith is right, you do not look your age and Ill add that you are very attractive. So don't be surprised as your confidence in yourself grows that you become the target of other mens attention, OK?

Two, sending a thank you note to his boss would be a very nice thing to do. I always do when I feel somebody has done an exemplary(sp?) job. If you aren't interested in seeing the guy though, just send a thank you to his boss and something short to the guy like "thank you for your help and glad I did businees with you".

He'll get a little deserved praise and you didn't lead him on or suggest something.

Sound Good?

RebornMan

Faith,

I don't want to threadjack here but you said something interesting to me.

You said you couldn't date someone 10 years younger but 10 years older was OK in your book. That is fine with me but I wonder why it is that way? Not just for you but for lots of women that is the case.

I'd love to explore this one, I am fascinated by the dichotomy. I have dated women 20 years younger than myself and ten years older and I didn't see where it mattered as long as we had a common reference and likes/dislikes.

Is it just guys for the most part? Is there something deep inside a woman that seeks the older or same age man?

I truly thought once I was dating again that most of my dates would be with women my age (37-45) but that hasn't been the case at all. The majority have been in their late 20's. On the surface you would think "What woman in her late 20's would be interested in a 41 yo, single dad with 4 kids?" I don't pursue or "hit on" these women...it is quite the opposite.

I would be interested in your point of view on this Faith..

RebornMan

LL, a few thoughts.

1. Remember at this point you have to learn to date all over again. I am learning that also. You will make mistakes, I sure have made plenty. Our mistakes do not define us, so relax.

2. Even when you have mastered dating, remember that in the initial stages you are just dating. Nothing more.

3. I know several women in their 40's who have been pursued by men in their early 30's and some in their 20's! They have tried to warn these men that they are older than they may appear, but the guys don't seem to care. So, it does happen, at least in the dating world. Marriage is another thing. I don't know many 40's women who marry a guy 10 or more years younger.

LL, it's been my experience that many men whose jobs include sales (commissions) or waiting tables (tips) will flirt incorrigibly with any woman, attractive ones in particular. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but it's entirely possible he was working on selling as much as he could to you, and if you are as attractive as I'm hearing, then it certainly was not an odious task for him (i.e., he likely genuinely enjoyed it).

Just another angle to consider.

T

Terri,

I've also considered the salesperson flirting to sell scenario. I am very leary of salespeople (in fact I doubt I would ever date a real estate agent or a used car salesman just because many of their tactics really irritate me).

The only thing here is that I walked in with a pretty definite idea of what I wanted (just took me a month to make up my mind on the laminate color/style), how much I needed, and a solid price I was going to pay per square foot.

When I got the two bills last week (one for laminate, the other for carpet), while the laminate was the price we discussed at the store, the carpet came in significantly lower than the price listed on the samples at the store and the original estimate he did the first night I came in. I got a pretty fair deal on it, and I got the upgrade to the premium pad with the moisture barriers (because my dogs barf) for no additional cost.

So I guess all in all I should consider myself very lucky because I got a good deal and had a enjoyable time buying it...

Well, heres some food for thought

disclsimer.....This is just a theory, NOT a fact, I have no idea whether makes sense or not.

If our human experience is that men generally date women same age or younger...and that we pretty much think that is "normal". Then it follows (despite the occassional success), that men who pursue significantly older woman (a few years probably not significant...say more than 4-5) are more likely to not make good partners. They may be looking for more willing sexual partner who is flattered by the advances (and insecure in their aging, a common issue for women, since our nature is that women put great stock in their ability to attract males)...they may be looking for "mom" to take care of them, they may feel inadequate to pursue more "fertile" females (younger = fertile), so settle for easier conquests. If these things are true, and more likely with younger men, it makes sense older women would feel reluctant to enter relationships with males much younger (assuming they seek a healthy mutually nurturing relationship)...it upsets the natural pursuits...that being males seeking fertile females, and females choosing strong males older meaning more likely to have status and power.

Are you attracted to him? It seems like he is attracted to you. If you aren't...no worries.

However, there is that inexplicable "chemistry" that happens between people and is SOUNDS like (I may be wrong) yuo are attracted to him, but are put off by his age.

I don't see the age as being a big issue...he ain't 20! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Think about it...if you find him to be attractive (physically and personality-wise)...the scenario about coffe would be a perfect way to "break the ice" and SLOWLY go from there.

It's like being on the high dive...just step off the platform.

Courage is being afraid, but saddling up anyway.

You can do it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hello LL.

I've dated mostly within my age range, but have had an older girlfriend. I was 26 and she 38.

I didn't go looking for an older woman and I do know that she took a good deal of ribbing from her friends about robbing the cradle and all of that. But I do know that some of them kept asking me if I had any single friends. Anyway, I think that what attracted me to here was that she was charming, in-shape, intelligent, simply loved life and had a smile that could break your heart. She didn’t play silly games and she seemed generally happy when I was around.

I think that, like you, she did have trouble with the age gap. I didn't. I think she wondered why I choose to hang out with her instead of women my age. I did it because she was just a fabulous woman. It sucks that it is such an issue. Women live longer than men so it really should be more natural for men to pick older women for a lifetime mate. She eventually followed the script and married a successful man that was about 10 years older than she was. Boy I still have mixed feeling about losing that one.

Do you want to date him? Maybe this would be a good chance to give it a try. You suspect you wouldn't end up in a long term relationship with him...but that is okay. You won't end up marrying everyone you date anyway.
I think I would write a nice letter for his boss saying what good service you received. If you don't want to just go right out and ask him, maybe you could say that some of your friends are thinking about remodelling and if they are having any good sales for him to contact you...

I'm 99% certain I wouldn't want a long-term relationship with him--age gap! I enjoyed being around him, and got where I looked forward to having to stop in the store again, even though I was frustrated with how long it was taking me to decide on what I wanted. And it was fun yesterday just visiting with him about stuff while he worked at my house. Yes, if there wasn't such a gap, I think he would be an enjoyable dinner date. He's is very down-to-earth. No Mr. GQ or anything.

But I think I'll just thank him, either in person (as there is one final issue he's checking on for me, albeit a small one), or just send him (and maybe his supervisor if I can find out how to do that) a thank-you card and leave it at that.

If he were to ever call and ask me to dinner or something, which I doubt because I think he sensed my age-gap issue when I found out his age, I'd probably go just because.

Set your boundaries and practice flirting. You are going to have a rebound relationship, why not with a younger man.

It's not like you are going to sleep with this guy. Think of it as a practice date. Practice dating, practice enforcing boundaries, practice searching for red flags.

No expectations, just companionship and practice.

Heck, tell him that's your plan too! Practice radical honesty!

TB