Nicely put. I have played/been the victim for soooo long, we won't even get into my first marriage, that, sadly so, that seems to be my comfort zone. I don't deny this.
Would I like to change it ?? A big yes. But knowing and changing is two different actions.

They say that fear is the opposite of love. I have alot of fear.

Car

Knowing and changing are both part of a continuum .... a sequence... a progression

To make a change, you need to recognize a need and be motivated to meet that need.

I think the language of self talk is very important. If you self talk in language that stops you on life's continuum at a given point ... then change the language of your self talk.

I can't do this ...becomes ... I could ... becomes.... I might..... becomes.... I will ....becomes ... I am doing this ...

Have you ever taught a child to ride a bike? Every child I have taught to ride a bike has said ... "I can't do this." .... when it is not working for them.

But the motivation to get riding bikes with their friends, or to hang with the big kids who ride bikes .... pushes beyond the "I'm scared, I can't." position.

We do the same thing. We get stuck, and when we want to, we get ourselves unstuck.

It's pretty simple, really.

Eventually, your victim language self talk won't satisfy you any longer and you will become motivated to change.

Right now, you don't seem motivated to do anything that might challenge yourself beyond your comfort level.

But things do change .... if you have a need and the will.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I've always felt the opposite of love is apathy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok, Carnation, you know you have a problem. You've identified it- fear.

So, how about, instead of trying to do something earth shattering, you choose one small thing you'd like to change. Ladies I know call them baby steps or micromovements. I used the list of 180s, looked at things that had ALWAYS bugged me about myself and chose to change them. I did them all in one fell swoop- but that doesnt work for everyone. Its harder for some, so that's when you do them slowly. I backslid a couple times, but caught myself soon enough that the damage wasn't permanent.

This isn't a temporary change you are working on- not something specifically designed to get your husband's attention. They have to be FOR YOU and ONLY FOR YOU and they need to be permanent.

You came to MB because you need help. I read a post by someone in another thread and they were going on and on about how they weren't going to do something because God hadn't given them the sign yet, and that they had to allow God to to lead. I had to bite my tongue during that because, in truth, God helps those who *help themselves.*

To me, you just posting here is YOU trying to help yourself- but you are now falling into the trap of waiting for something to happen that will PUSH or FORCE you to do something. Sorry, life isn't like that. Its like you are waiting for one of us to say some magic words that will MAKE you move forward.

We can't do that, Carnation. YOU have to be the one to do the work- we're just people in cyberspace who share a common thread. None of us are going to come to your door and pack your bags (or his) and get the ball rolling.

I sounded just like you back in 2000. I look back now and I am really very embarrassed. I was whining and bitching and moaning about my lot in life and I couldn't figure out why nothing would change. Its because I sat on my a$$ waiting for someone else to do the work for me. And I secretly knew it at the time...a lot of the pain I was feeling was self-inflicted.

I do not want to see another person sit around bemoaning their fate when they've done nothing to change it.

If my lazy butt can do it, you sure as hell can.

Time to get the job back. Think that's priority number one.