I don't post often, but I couldn't resist this one.

I strongly urge you to reconsider not attending your daughter's wedding. You need to set aside your hurt, anger, resentment and attend this very important day of your daughter's life.

I have followed this thread with interest. As far as your daughter goes -- I don't believe most girls that age have a clue as to what goes on in a marriage. The joys and troubles, the hurt and contentment, the hope and despair. She is too young to know what you know can and does happen between two people over the years. Please forgive her for her ignorance and her taking sides (her Mom's) in her ignorance. She cannot understand what you understand because she hasn't lived long enough yet.

But you have and you know how much you will regret not being there when she is married. You will. Please go.

1. I agree.
2. You're right.
3. Correct. Wait until her H comes home and tells about a friend and confidant from work and see how she feels.
4. So what..let her deal with it.
5. So what..let her deal with it.
6. Not really sure what you're saying. She can't fix their marriage. Is that what you consider her perception? If so, I agree.
7. So what..let her deal with it.
8. Are you really surprised? It's manipulation.
9. That's her problem.
10. Good for you!
11. Good job. Shows what a decent person you are. You could have closed them out and spent the money.
12. Good, I'm glad. You'll both be safe.
13. I don't blame you.
14. Good.
15. That was kind of you. I'm not such a good person as I would have only sent half.
16. That was considerate.
17. What ever you feel is best. Sounds good. You need processing time.
18. Your decision. I just didn't want the incident to come back on you.
19. Honorable
20. Wise.
21. I agree. It's too much.

Coach,

I wanted to add, that I can hardly imagine a more painful situation to be in. I feel for you. I wish nobody had to go through something like that.

Breathe in. Breathe out. What else can you do?

Don't be alone, OK?

-AD

You take care, OK.

Pep

Coach:

I admire and respect you for many different reasons....

I do want to share this with you...

I agree with the need to rethink your decision about your DD's wedding...

My F and I had many issues over his lifetime. He passed away several years ago. It wasn't until after his death that I fully realized how much I loved him and how much he loved me. I most importantly realized how much he taught me about life and how much more direction and assistance I need from him even now at age 50. I miss him terribly....

To this day, one of the most special and unforgettable moments in my life was when he walked me down the aisle. I don't know why this is so for me. It is one of the most unforgettable memories for me...

I also would hate for your daughter to miss out having you there with her..

I am so sorry Coach. My heart cries for you.

I'm sure your other daughters are just beside themselves with grief over all this.

This "man" should be hung up and whipped for what he has done. He should be at your feet begging forgiveness, even if your WW can't do that.

What is wrong with people, it's like half the world has lots it's frigging mind.



This says it all.

And I have to agree that if your daughter insists on having the Prof at her wedding, and your WW doesn't intervene to keep him away, I would not attend either.

Coach:

No admonishments from ol' 2long. You do need 2 take care of yourself. You're not Mr. Spock here without the beneficial side effects of "The Spores".

You're human, and you have feelings. They've been disregarded and stomped on by your W, and unknowinlgy (I believe) by your DD.

As one who's knowinlgy tried 2 live and "work with" such disregard for 3 and a half years now, I recognize how fresh the hurt can be and how helpful it is 2 remove one's self from that hurt - for a while, or for the rest of your life, whatever it takes.

...but I'd go 2 the wedding, if it were me (and it's not). My DD's recent wedding was the most fun event I've been 2 in a long time, and I'll never forget it.

-ol' 2long

Hi Coach,

I'm sorry you find youreslf in this situation. I think your analysis of your daughter's thinking and motivations is absolutely spot-on. I can see why your family is a little frustrated that you won't discuss the issue, but I also agree that there doesn't seem to be much to discuss. Regarding your daughter's wedding, I probably wouldn't consider going either at the moment, especially given her hostility towards you and your feeling of betrayal. Nevertheless, it would have been nice if you could have left your options open on that front just in case you are feeling up to it and you reconsile with your daughter in the mean-time. Have you had any reactions from any of the people you have informed??

Anyway, I just wanted to offer you my condolensces and support and wish you strength and fortitude. It sucks to see you in such pain, after watching you help so many people. Life really isn't fair.

coach,

The steps you have followed to protect yourself are very good, at least they sound like that to me.
About your daughters wedding, I understand you decision not to go. But it would be in your own best interest to show up.

I know it is too much to ask of you right now, but I think that you should try and be there for your DD, even when she really isn't getting the whole situation.

like many other wiser posters have said, her wedding is very important, and as long as you keep clear from your WW, the Prof, etc, you should be ok. In a wedding setting this might be very difficult, and if you cannot do it due to protocol, etc, I'd understand your refusal to go; but it is a very special day for your daughter, and if she ever comes to her senses and realizes the error in her judgement of you, she'll feel very bad that you weren't there for her.

Best of luck!

Do you think that Prof-OM would dare show his face at the wedding now? Do you think OM's W will still attend? Doubt it.

I am just afraid of your future R with you D and Son-IL should you follow through with not giving away your D at her wedding...or attending the wedding at all. I would hope you will reconsider.

Whatever you choose to do, I hope you will both be able to mend it sooner rather than later. I am afraid for the regrets on both sides should you not attend, especially once the situation is understood by DD.

Pray about it: "Seek ye the Lord while he may be found,
call ye upon him while he is near:"
(Is. 55:6)

Peace to you, Coach.

The wedding should be postponed given what is going on with the family. And the daughter could even elope.

Wedding's of this kind are family events, and guess what? A member of the family right now is in serious need of support and in extreme grief (and maybe mom is too), and a divorce may be happening.

A wedding is not as important as the devastation of the entire family, and parents.

IMVHO.

amen Weaver

Good Call Weaver. Lets hope Laura has the same revelation!!

Hear Hear Weaver.

Wishful thinking but...
Given the way weddings are planned now-a-days (expense etc.), given the fact that lots of folks/guests have already purchased plane tickets for this event...it is highly unlikely and unrealistic that it can (or should) be postponed. If cancelled then getting eloped would probably be the better choice. I cannot see his D doing that. The only thing that would postpone it would be someone having second thoughts. One may wish that it wouldn't be this way.

My wedding...which none of my family attended (and only 2 of my H's 6 siblings attended)..not even my father...he was in Calif...we got married in Maine...on a beach...it would have been easy to postpone. I doubt that this is a casual or informal wedding in San Francisco.

That would be the simple thing to do.

Also, it seems like the simple thing would be to find out what the H is going on too. There seems to be a lot of words going back and forth...but no explanations.

There are probably only 2 people who know the truth. Since one of them is a consumate liar, she wouldn't be believed unless she said that they HAD slept together. Anything other than that is going to be a lie to the person she is obligated to tell.

So...who knows what will happen now. People aren't talking...but I don't see any people who are wanting to listen anyways.

~Stalemate~ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

JMHO
committed

The most important relationship right now is with your daughter...don't let pride stand in your way. Talk to your daughter. It seems all she thinks happened is that her mother while attempting to help another's marriage, told a little white lie and you have over reacted destroying two marriages and her wedding as well as embarrassing her with her future in-laws. I would sit her down and explain that her mother should never have even considered this counseling of the Prof., considering her past and the fact that she had to hide this from her husband and lie about that one day is proof that she new how dangerous this was but still did it. Don't let you WW continue manipulating the situation now that she is gone or you may never be able to recover you relationship with your daughter. And stop emailing the future in-laws leave them out of this. Also have you told your daughters about the attack or are your leaving your WW off the hook?? Good Luck.

For my blog, Friday 6/17/05. Huge electrical storm taking place in South Florida right now and we lost our power for an hour, worse yet, Jakey is home alone and is terrified by thunder and lightening. So to hell with everything, I’m going to go get him. And I would drive 2 million miles in the pouring rain if I that was what was required to do it…But to attend my daughter’s wedding as things are right now…no! I’m sorry to disappoint those of you who I know are only trying to advise me to be the bigger man and to behave with more maturity but I just don’t have the moral courage that such a selfless act requires.

I could equivocate and make believe that what I’m committing to here is a different kind of selfless act…that by denying myself the pleasure of watching her be married, I am serving the greater good by showing my daughter, not telling her but showing her, how a truly principled man truly behaves…but that would be the granddaddy of all lies…the worst kind of self serving BS claptrap…the kind that I despise in others and that would sicken me in it’s subterfuge and out right dishonesty. So I guess that I’ll simply have to settle for the truth which is that I am hurt to the bone and I don’t have the courage to face this situation as matters stand at the moment.

Ms. AM, where are you now that I need you? I know I can count on you to tell me…Is this a passive aggressive act, a matter immaturity or just simple cowardice? I would really like to hear your opinion(s) although I’m not so sure that you…that most of you, wouldn’t give me a pass. So how about it all folks….no pass for Coach. All you guys that I have come to love and respect as well as those I seem to rub the wrong way; Pep, Melly, 2long, Mimi, Weaver, AC, Orchid, JM, JPH, Trix and lets not forget B2M…how about it? Give me your truth…not my truth but your truth. Because my truth is that I’m just not the man I want to be right now and any kind of truth is better then just not knowing who that man should be.

Does the word pathetic apply here do you think?
Coach

Coach,

I certainly can't gainsay your decision.

And I don't think it is cowardice.

Be good to yourself, Coach. Right now, it doesn't seem like anybody else is.

I hurt for 'ya.

Someday your daughter will understand, that if her wedding was "ruined", it wasn't you who did it.

-AD

Alright, coach you don't know me but you asked for opinions and here is mine. GO! Whether you feel like you are or feel like being the bigger man do it anyway. Remember when your DD was little and you would walk through fire for her? Remember the sleepless nights of having an infant in the house? Parenting is sacrificial, parenting is modeling rightness and righteousness. You have already modeled righteousness now model grace and rightness. In doing so you will be showing your SIL what a true husband and father is. You will show your daughter that no matter her mistakes, you love her and always will. This is not about your M, it is about your DD. It is about acting like the man you can and want to be. I know you hurt and you are angry, rightfully so. When your DD has your grandchildren you will be so glad you went. {{coach}} You CAN do this!