I'm new here, just found the site today. Reading some of your posts made me realize that you may have some good thoughts to share with me.

I apologize for the length, however since it is my first post I feel I need to get my history out there. I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 7. 2 months into our marriage I found out (not from him) that he had been renting porn movies on some of our friends accounts. This had been going on since before our wedding completely unbeknownst to me. I know many people find it normal & healthy to view such things, but I am not one of them and had been lead to believe my husband felt the same way.

On our first anniversary he announced to me at dinner that contrary to what he had told me, he had been sexually active before we met, unlike myself who waited for marriage. It was the lying about it, not the fact itself, that was hurtful especially since I would have requested that he have some tests done before our wedding, it really did so much damage to the trust factor in our relationship. These things, in addition to various lies I uncovered over the next few years, resulted in some less than ideal intimacy issues on my part. Every time things would start to get better and begin to move on, I would find out he was hiding something else from me. It always seems to result in returning to square one as far as trust, respect and desire go (on my part). I've become very suspicious and untrusting which I don't enjoy but suspicions keep being confirmed so it's not just my imagination.

This week I found out he had joined a subcription to a hardcore site that would require a monthly fee (this is a new step) and was sharing the password with a recently separated buddy of his. I found the files of what he'd been looking at and was horrified. I, amazingly calmly I must add, confronted him about this. He had nothing to say at first, but after 8 hours of him avoiding it I finally convinced him we had to talk about it. He seemed most upset that I had found him out, said it was an addiction and that was pretty much it. I asked him if our relationship was important enough to him to stop but he said he doesn't know what to do. He also mentioned that it's a toss up on whether or not he'd be happier single. By the end of our conversation I was still upset but felt that he still loves me, although I still slept on the couch.

Well, he left for a camping trip this weekend and through an odd course of events which I won't get into (this is long enough!) I found that he had an ad placed on an 'adult friend' site. Not only was I hurt and shocked, but the tone of it really upset me. It's not the man I know. His subject line was 'fun & fu#$able', and he said he was looking for a discreet relationship, just someone to sleep with from time to time. Honestly I'm not sure when the ad was placed or if anything has come from it, but the desire was there and that alone is so hurtful. He'll be home tonight & I'm trying to decide how to handle it. Even if he hasn't had sex w/anyone else - isn't what he's done still a form of unfaithfulness?? How am I supposed to ever believe anything he says?

I'm so sorry this is so long, I'll try to be more brief in the future. I think I just needed to do a bit of venting. My heart goes out to all of you, I know there are far worse situations then mine.

Thank you all

Hi! Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be. I'm probably not the one to advise you because porn doesn't bother me.

However, his comment that it is a toss-up whether he would be happier married or single is a big red flag.

Do you have any children?

No, thank goodness there are no children involved. I know that porn doesn't bother lots of people. It's not even that I feel I should be able to make his choices for him. It really comes down to the lying about everything, and not caring about how it affects me. The ad he placed is of the most concern to me right now however.

alicat -

I didn't mean to say that you should not be concerned about porn.

The lying about things is a much bigger trigger for me than even the personal ad. Although the personal ad would be a dealbreaker for me.

What is it that you love about your husband?

What I first loved about him was his kindness. He deeply cared for his mother & sister (his parents had an unhealthy relationship that ended in divorce). He started taking care of me from the very start, and silly as it may sound, he made me feel safe. Unfortunately, many of those qualities have started wane. He is consumed with work and having more, he's cut off all of our old friends, his father and my family. Everyone irritates him and he has something bad to say about everyone. The only people I know he has regular contact with are the recently separated friend, who he's mentioned being a bit jealous of his 'freedom', his sister and mother. I also learned at one point that he'd been telling them (mom & sis) that he wasn't happy with me and that I drove him nuts. He of course denied it. The sad thing for me to understand is the whole freedom issue. I have never denied him alone time, or time with the guys. He doesn't have to ask my permission to do anything. All I have ever asked is the common courtesy of being informed of his plans.

I do still love him, but I know there will be a lot of work to regain the trust, respect & love we had at first. I'm willing to forgive, but only if he can prove he's ready to make some changes.

But is he willing to make changes? I hope you realize that you cannot change him.

That is the question. I do know I can't change him. I really just want him to own up to what HE wants and make a decision. I've told him what I want (to work it out together) now it's up to him.

So, what are your plans? Are you just going to wait around until he commits to the marriage?

I don't have any definite plans yet. I'm waiting until I ask him about the ad he placed, see how he reacts. This has obviously been building for a while so I don't feel like I should have to give him an unlimited amount of time to figure out what he wants to do. I'm thinking about setting a deadline for him to respond with a decision. If he doesn't know what he wants, I may suggest that I move out for a while, until he can figure it out.

Do you have any suggestions? Do you think I'm being silly for being this concerned?

I appreciate your responses, thanks

No I don't think you are being silly. I think you have a legitimate concern.

I am just worried. He thinks he needs to figure things out. He should have done that a long time ago, before he married you.

I agree. Unfortunately communication has always been an issue. I talk and talk and express my feelings and he sits there silently except for the occasional "I don't know". It's been very frustrating. My point being, I have all sorts of theories on why and how he's feeling but no way of knowing for sure.

I don't know how to let him know, even though I've said it, that I don't want him to stay because he feels obligated, or because he cares about me. If he's always wishing he could be living a different life neither of us will ever be happy and even though I would miss him greatly, I don't want him to be miserable.

We also have the problem that after one of our discussions, one-sided as they may be, he tends to act like everything is fine and is very sweet, etc. It makes it very difficult for me to want to continue bringing problems up when I know it will just bring him down again. I end up feeling guilty. I think I need to start working on that!

ali..your story is so similar to mine. I too thought my H had saved himself for marriage as we are (or so I thought) Christians. After 15 years of a very rocky marriage and after the death of his mother, I found out that everything he had told me about himself was a lie. Not only his sexual history but age, college, sports, grades, you name it. He too would talk about me disparagingly to his mother. We've been to 3 counselors and crazy as it sounds, he wants to stop divorce proceedings to go yet again.

My stbx was a classic "momma's boy." She made every decision for him and now at 55 he's unable to make decisions for himself. After her death he began an affair with her double. He, xow and his mother all suffer from severe mental illness. His mother refused to let him leave home until he was 27 and the minute we got married I became enemy No. 1. I too found out after her death that he had sex with prostitutes. He's an alcoholic. He'll tell a lie when the truth would do better.

I would not be surprised if the police knocked on my door and told me some horrid story of what my stbx was involved in. I wouldn't believe him if he told me the time of day.

Are you sure this camping trip is on the up and up?

This ad looking for a sexual partner is adultery whether the act comes to be. Didn't Jesus tell us in the Sermon on the Mount that looking upon a woman with lust is adultery?

Be thankful that this revelation has happened before children are in the picture. If I could live my life again, I would have left at the birth of our daughter. He has nothing to do with her and she's outstanding. Honor student, gifted in art, gorgeous and a Christian. She played tennis in high school and he didn't bother to even ask about her games much less show up. She was the captain her senior year. He's done so much damage and doesn't seem to care...

Get into counseling now! Don't waste 21 years as I did trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. 21 years is a long time to deal, you have a lot of patience. From the sounds of your beliefs, you may have felt like I do that divorce isn't really an option - at least not at this point. Unless of course it's something he decides on. I'm not saying I would never file, but that it's definitely a last resort.

As far as his camping trip is concerned, I was privy to the plans made with the guys he's with & I do believe he's really where he says he is. On the other hand, the people he's with are not exactly men I would find to be helpful or encouraging - anything but! I hate that I constantly worry about what he's talking about when he's not with me. It shouldn't be that way.