I have been married for 11 years this month. In 1999 my husband had an affair and left me for her. We didn't talk for a while after he left then he started calling me and we began talking. We got back together and I began dealing with my pain from the affair and I have forgiven him. He brings it up often and told me that he hasn't forgiven himself. He said that the person he married died when he had this affair. Which is true that person is no longer alive. I was destroyed when it happened. I feel a little scared that he would leave or do it again. He knows that I am scared it could happen again, but I do believe him when he tells me he isn't gonna leave me. I am so scarred and confused. How do I show him that I trust him and believe in him and help him to get past the guilt he feels. He has also said because of how I have changed that he doesn't love me the same and he isn't sure how to get that love back. He told me last night that he is here with me in body but not in soul and that he doesn't know when he will return to me with his open heart and arms. Please if anyone has any suggestions or advise on what to do. I would appreciate it. I want to save my marriage and make our life happy and loving again. Thanks, D

Been there, I know all the hurt and pain you are going through. The best thing my H and I could do was to talk about the A. I wanted to know all the details. My DDay was 5/12/05, my H moved in with the OW for 3 weeks and now is back home and everything is going great. When you read on this MB that you need to know all of the details, take that to heart. It helps, not only you, but the cheater also!!!
I felt as if before the A we were one person, and after the A we are now two different people. It's like we started all over again. Fell in love again. Started dating each other and getting to know the two new people we were turned in to. Hang int here. If you really love each other, and it takes both people who REALLY love each other, it can happen. You are in my prayers.
And maybe he hasn't confessed the whole truth to you about the A. It may be eating away at him inside. You just have to ask the hard questions and be prepared for the hard answers that will hurt you but you will be two better people in the end.

Absolutely you were destroyed as any spouse would be. My wife said the same words to me after I went on a rampage of affairs due to a sexual addiction. But your last sentence of how do I show him that I trust him and believe in him and help him to get past the guilt he feels you are taking on way more than your responsibility. I think if you are just able to forgive and accept him back into your life with an open heart and arms you are going way beyond the call of duty.

As for your husband, his guilt is his issue and it is something he needs to deal with. I know you want your marriage to work and you want to save it, but you can't fix someone else, they have to work on themselves. Your husband needs to look at what he did, accept his responsibility, learn from his mistakes, and move forward. It's tough to do, but it can be done. Just ask me after my rampage of affairs and then disclosing them all to my wife with the counselor. There was a lot of guilt and shame. But shame can take you in two directions. Shame can make you feel like a horrible, terrible person, or shame can remind you of past events where you don't want to go again. I know I am not a horrible, terrible person, but I did things where I don't want to go again. And that is what your husband needs to realize. It's what he did that is bad, not who he is that is bad. I guess if anything he could hear from you, it would be those words. It's not you that is horrible, terrible, bad, but the hurt and pain that was caused is what was so bad. He needs to separate the events from self.

Thank you so much for your advice I really appreciate it. And it makes a lot of sense to me. I know that now that it isn't just me that has to accept what happened. It will take us both to make it all okay. I never thought about it like that but now it makes things a lot easier for me. I will keep doing my part and will keep asking questions when I have them. Thanks again D

Thank you it really helps to hear that others have been where I am. I have asked some questions but I am sure there are other ones I need to ask and will do so. Thank you for your help and kindness. D

You may want to look at Dr. H's "Recovery from infidelity" section, up in the Q&A link up at the top. There is much good info there on how to rebuild trust.

Some of it seems contradictory to what you might think as good strategy, but the H's have been in this business a long time, and got their act together.

I'd encourage you to spend much time reading their stuff in the Q&A and Concepts link, and about everything else you can lay you hands on.

Don't just depend on the info in the forums.