Friday, June 17, 2005

Dear WH,

It is hard to believe that four years ago on this date we were both grinning ear to ear, excited to embark on a lifetime adventure together. While I was well aware when I married you that we may not always be in the sunshine or smooth roads we had been so accustomed to the first year of our relationship, I never imagined we’d be where we are at today as I grew up around couples who worked through the bumps rather than fleeting. I didn’t think we were amongst the weak in society. Perhaps I should have been more alarmed by the red flags that you displayed early on in our relationship because a lot of these behaviors that I just assumed were mistakes made by you are actually part of your character and a definite indication of the depressed, lost, and weak mind/body/soul that arises when life brings a bit of stress to your plate. Unfortunately, I was blindsided as I had fallen in love for the first time in my life and with a marriage bond, I can guarantee you that my love for you will never fully disappear even if it has been extremely tainted this past 1+ year secondary to your abuse/cruelty towards me. Regardless of the imminent divorce ahead, I will always care about you and encourage you absorb and think about the words I have written below.

I actually have been worried about you for several years now, meaning I was concerned about what was happening with you far before you engaged in your first affair and current affair with Jen. Through many talks with X, X, the X, X, X, X, X, & co over the years, I learned of your jaded history which included a lot of bad decisions while under the influence of alcohol. These very same friends were concerned that you may be drinking yourself to death in a hotel room the night you left me. This was very concerning to me as I had seen you excessively drunk a lot more often in the last few months prior to our separation. In fact, I know that your first marital slip-up and affair came about after an evening drinking at happy hour post work. It is amazing how one slip can really [censored] with your head. I really had no clue although I did have a sinking suspicion that you were cheating when you were not able to sexually perform with me and grew increasingly distant, started drinking more away from home (coming home drunk), and transformed a lot of your work stress and guilt onto me over several months including those leading up to D-day. During our relationship and marriage, I also witnessed a lot of this bad drunken behavior so in reflecting back, I guess I should have taken these red flags as signs of bumpy roads ahead. If I could reverse time, I would have intervened or taken a stronger stance on my feelings regarding these behaviors. However, I am not sure how much more of a difference I could have made as change comes from within and as I have eluded to in the past, it is obvious that you have never truly been happy with yourself which is why you continue to struggle to find that identity that will allow you to overcome any insecurities that have driven you to drink excessively, engage into immoral behavior, transform your anger/frustration onto innocent parties and ultimately hurt those who truly love you.

A lot of your behavior types are actually indicative of an alcoholic narcissist which, while it sounds demeaning, is actually a disease that has potentially serious consequences if left untreated. Ironically, I remember discussing this with X when he was describing his cheating brother who has had several failed relationships/marriages and never has truly been happy in life. I wouldn’t expect that you’d acknowledge all or even any of your problems as it is not part of the character description that you are living but I sure hope that you at least reflect back on your patterns of behavior, where you have been these past 15+ years of your life and really explore what you want in life:

“Pathological narcissism is an addiction. It is, therefore, not surprising that addictive and reckless behaviors such as alcoholism, lying, and infidelity tend to accompany this primary dependence. Alcoholics are drinkers who do not obey the rules of the drinking society, behaving badly/immorally when drunk. The narcissist derives pleasure from these exploits. They place him above the laws and pressures of the mundane and away from the humiliating and sobering demands of reality. The narcissist feels that he is in control, alert, excited, and vital. He does not regard his condition as dependence. The narcissist firmly believes that he is in charge of his addiction and that he can quit at will and on short notice. The narcissist denies his cravings for fear of "losing face" and subverting the flawless, perfect, immaculate, and omnipotent image he projects. When caught red handed, the narcissist underestimates, rationalizes, or intellectualizes his addictive and reckless behaviors – converting them into an integral part of his grandiose and fantastic False Self. The narcissist's addictive behaviors take his mind off his inherent limitations, inevitable failures, painful and much-feared rejections, and the Grandiosity Gap – the abyss between the image he projects (the False Self) and the injurious truth. They relieve his anxiety and resolve the tension between his unrealistic expectations and inflated self-image – and his incommensurate achievements, position, status, recognition, intelligence, wealth, and physique.”

This behavior, as X’s brother has discovered, will never allow you to be truly happy in life or in love. Your happy moments in life have occurred when your ego/self esteem are naturally stroked through acts of love or pure effort rather than through demeaning behavior. For example, you ego rose exponentially when I first told you “I love you” and then agreed to marry you. All your friends spoke of your excitement to “show me off” per se and also remember you saying how lucky you were to have met me and to have me in your life. Personally, I felt like the most special women in the world when I married you; just wearing that ring and showing off your picture was a stroke to my ego. Tiny gestures we made to each other, like flowers, little notes of love, poems, cheering each other on at athletic events, holding hands or kissing were definite strokes to the ego and also helped mute any insecurities we had. Your ego/self esteem also rose when you aced your EMT class and graduated from a very tough fire academy. It is true that just putting that firefighting gear on was a stroke to your ego, but you truly lit up when you told me of that first restaurant fire you fought or were able to reveal a letter of praise from the Captain regarding your efforts at the station. When you came home from a long run with Carroll and were able to reveal some pretty amazing mile splits and crossed the finish line at Long Beach well under 3 hours, your ego was naturally stroked due to personal achievement.

Unfortunately, as stress levels arose and these natural strokes to the ego waned (you weren’t running, our time together dwindled, and the firefighting became more of a frustration than a thrill), you sought out other ways to boost your ego which is when you reinitiated drinking as the alcohol seemingly made those insecurities go away. During this time, you had an attraction for another woman and you slipped which hurt your ego more because (gasp) you couldn’t be that a**hole who cheats on the one he loves. But instead of rebuilding burned bridges or making things right, you continued to drink, hanging out with other single (or cheating) men rather than with me or other common friends. Then, you used the internet to help stroke your ego rather than talking to me which is how you met OW, a girl (literally) who, while barely past puberty, is using you to stroke her ego and help her quest to find herself. Two lost identities in the same household…scary thought.

Bottom line is that we all like to have our ego’s stroked; it is how you choose to let your ego be stroked that will dictate whether or not you will truly be happy in life and in love. Unlike you, I never solely relied on the ego-boosting strokes you gave to me which helped prevent my personal insecurities from getting the best of me. Much of my personal happiness actually revolves around the strokes I get after making a kind gesture to another or achieving a business or athletic goal much like you felt after graduating from the academy or breaking the 3 hour marathon barrier. Yes, I go out drinking but NOT as means to hide any insecurities or make myself “bigger”. And I know when to stop drinking. I also refuse to stroke my ego by sleeping around like much of society does today….thus, you were my first sexual experience. Some words of wisdom: A false sense of self, insecurity, and using others, alcohol, and addictive behavior to stroke your ego will bring out your most unattractive qualities and will never allow you to be happy with yourself.

I know you aware that all of the “bad” that has spotted your life has involved alcohol (DUI, vandalism, jail, fights, infidelity, lying, cheating and now divorce, strained relationships with friends/family, getting kicked out of bars secondary to excessive drunkenness, to name a few) so I truly hope that you consider seeking help for the alcoholic, narcissistic behavior that has lead you to hurt many people. Your choice to give up drinking as means to focus on your fire academy in 2002 was the best decision you have ever made as for the first time in your life, it allowed you to discover an identity that truly made you happy. As you enter a law enforcement career, I hope you follow a similar suit as you will never truly be able to “protect and serve” with success if you carry on your relationship with alcohol and engage in hurtful, narcissistic behavior.

Happy 4th Wedding Anniversary (perhaps our last),

Muels

So I am wondering if WH will even remember our anniversary this weekend. I am guessing not since he conveniently didn't even acknowledge my b-day and wrote the wrong wedding date on the divorce papers he served me in December. As a very sentimental person who remembers pretty much every detail and also significant dates, I am wondering when I will be able to just let these dates go by without it affecting me. Anyone? I will be giving him the letter written above on Friday.

If the letter helps you..great, but I think this letter is likely to fall on deaf ears and give him and the OW a laugh at your expense.

Untill you stop doing "things" like this, you won't "get it". You must ACCEPT that any notes, letters, gifts, and CD's or whatever CANNOT and WILLNOT change the man that he is. You are still romantacizing someone in your mind who is DEAD. This isn't fog or an alien. THIS IS WHO HE IS. He doesn't care about you. Why do you incist on hoping that he remember your b-day or anniversary or other special moments. You keep getting hurt when infact he has more than told you where you stand in his life. This man has done everything short of announce it in the USA Today that he does NOT give a f-ing rats A$$ about you. You still don't "get it". I am sorry to say.

Meeting another man (despite what other zeals may say) was good for you. Piggy back this, and move the hell on from your WH. He is who he is. This is like groundhog day for you. Yes, I was there also, so I am not ripping you, I am just giving you the scoop without all of the B$ sugarcoating on it. You are still trying to do things (be honest with yourself here) in the 1 in million hopes that he will say "aha...yes you are right, let me get help so we can build our love back again"....THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Cheers

LM

Happt tri-ing kjb <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LM...as always, you are right. I don't think I'll ever understand this kind of human nature that WH is living...how can you be so close to someone one day and just move on the next without giving a rats a** about that person? Meeting a new man has helped tremendously but I am still concerned about WH's alcoholic tendences...guess it is not my position to intervene this late in the picture.

Muels, it's true. He doesn't care. I know you want to help. He doesn't want your help.

So don't try to help him any more. You can't be his "fixer". He won't let you. He'll do like you said - he'll dismiss what you tell him, and he and his hos will make you the butt of jokes. His mother will call you "a woman scorn" (sic). And sister, you're too bright a light to be made the butt of anyone's joke, or to have misspelled cliches fired at you.

Turn your back on him. Don't let him drag you down any more. You aren't going to get resolution, not soon at least. Maybe never.

I think that's part of your ongoing quest with him... to find resolution, what they sometimes call "closure". Ain't no such thing when your cheatin' spouse divorces you.

GC

kjb -

Sorry, I'm not familiar w/ your sitch. Will read more later. Just curious ... since you've been registered for this long, can I assume you've already enforced Plan A and are now on Plan B? If so, why are you staying contact? If not (and you're still in Plan A somewhere), then here are my comments on your letter ...

1. I liked how your letter started. It brought tears to my eyes b/c it just reminds me how much pain I've put my BH through all this time. (Note: I'm the FWW.) I don't see how your WH could simply laugh it away.
2. I would suggest stopping at "It is amazing how one slip can really [censored] with your head." in your 2nd paragraph b/c the rest is just LB's and criticisms - not good incentives for a WS to want to respond nor turnaround. What's the saying? "It's easier to trap flies with honey than vinegar?"
3. If you are using this as your Plan B letter, then do so. Don't LB. Tell him you love him that you still want to work this out, but he's going to have to meet you half-way. Until then, you're not providing any contact nor support, you're not going to even acknowledge that he even exists.

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you have a whole lot of time to execute a good Plan B since D is just around the corner. If you really do still want the M, you could always extend the court date and then execute a full Plan B. Note - it's hard to understand as a BS, but the fact that your WH is living w/ the OW is actually a good thing b/c that's usually when reality hits a WS the hardest. Meaning, all her annoying habits, values, behaviors, etc., that conflict w/ his will be right there - in his face, every day. And, so will his - in hers. That's when the [censored] hits the fan. (It certainly did it for me ... luckily, I didn't have to live w/ the OM to figure that out.)

I'm sure I've already ruffled some feathers here, but in your sig line, it states "WH admitted to missing me & not loving OW the same way he loved me 4/05" If this really happened, I don't understand why everyone would think that there's absolutely no hope?

Just a thought ...

kjb,

Are you wanting to acknowledge your anniversary or to "make an impression" on your WH?

What is your desired result from this? What is the best/worst result in your mind?

Just trying to get a feel for where you're coming from on this.

Ethan

I think deep down inside me there is a miniscle spec of hope but in all honesty, the last time I saw WH (on his initiation a few weeks ago), I wasn't even the least bit attracted to him and was rather thinking of the new man I had made a connection with and just so happened to have an amazing time with the night prior and that morning I saw WH. However, when I am alone thinking about where WH and I have been together and the marriage bond we took, I miss him and become very emotional thinking about his complete disregard for me, not only as a wife or friend but also as a person. After all the abuse with his lying, cheating, manipulation, and hurtful behaviors towards me, I am not sure why I am holding on other than the fact I miss the married life I had lead with him back when he was actually affectionate and loving towards me.

I am scared about the unknown and I am not excited about entering it as I have always been a planner and my life map was set in stone after I got married to WH. We had started to try to add to our family, buy a home together, my dream business was booming, my athletic career blossoming, I had an awesome group of friends/family. There wasn't anything more I could have asked for. Now, I am unknown about a family which kills me because I really want to have kids with the man I love and I no longer see this on my map even though I really want it. Much too often, I am see these beautiful/kind souls who have also gone through divorce at my age and then let that opportunity to have kids slip by through spending 10+ years searching for "the one" in the scary dating field we are all exposed to today. It would be my hope that the first person I meet will be the person I fall in love with and start a family with...this happened with WH and now I have been thrown back into a society which scares the livin [censored] out of me. I know the likelihood of this is bleek but I am not the type to get involved with someone unless I feel like there is a potential for a future together. Therefore, I haven't been involved in many serious relationships in my lifetime. It took me 23 years to find WH and I don't want to wait another 23 to find a man who truly cherishes me like I deserve to be cherished/loved. I also still find it hard to picture myself with another man as WH was the first man I loved and the man I lost my virginity to. Everytime I talk to my friends or the community about what is going on, their only response is that I am way too beautiful...from inside/out...and successful to let someone of his caliber drag me down into his depressed state of living. Why I cannot just pack my bags and move on is beyond me??? When I did meet this other man, I was on cloud nine yet now he has left (navy seal duties) so I don't think our relationship can really develop until he gets back from Iraqu 6 months from now. Truly moving into the arms of another man is what I think will help me move away from these constant thoughts I have about WH and the life we lived. It is this "waiting game" that kills me although they always say...good things come to those who wait. Well, I waited 23 years to give up my virginity to a man who was supposed to love me for eternity and now look at where I am at.

Guess I need to be inspired...the whole anniversary is bringing me sadness right now.

Muels

Try and let it go...

If I have read your thread correctly, you are aleady heading down the D path and contemplating your anniversary is simply not constructive at this point...nothing to be gained by picking at that "scab".

It is easy for me to say that...I may feel differently about that on 01 Nov...our last REAL anniversary as our D will be final not long after that.

Don't beat yourself with this...HE CHEATED ON YOU...He is responsible for where your M is at this point.

You are a lovely lady...(I saw the pics on Yahoo) and I am sure you have a LOT, personality-wise to offer a GOOD man.

Become your best self and GOOD men will flock to you...

Chin up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

WNB

Truly moving into the arms of another man is what I think will help me move away from these constant thoughts I have about WH and the life we lived.

No it won't.

A new person will distract you, and treat your symptoms. He won't cure you. If you get in too deep too fast, you could even suffer more in the future. The pain you stuff away could resurface. You could find that you made bad decisions because having a warm body nearby was too important.

Only time will cure you.

Muels, we all gotta grieve our losses until we don't any more. If you still cry, if you still feel rejected, if you still feel sorrow for what you thought you would have but now will not, at least not the way you imagined... then you're not done. It's a good idea to get done. Don't anesthetize yourself with loooooooove.

GC

Thanks guys...I am not looking to just run into some random man's arms but I have to say it felt damn good to make more than a physical connection with someone other than my WH as this doesn't happen that often for me. Call me picky but like I mentioned earlier, I won't just date anyone...there has to at least be a physical and intellectual connection for me to be intimate with a man. For me to think about pursuing a long term relationship and potential marriage with a man, there also has to be an emotional connection. Prior to WH, there had only been one man who hit all 3 but unfortunately timing was bad as I had just been matched to San Diego for an internship while he was back in Chi-town. This new man that I met last month hit 2 and I know I'd have to get to know him better to hit 3 but again, timing sucks as he is headed off to Iraq and well, I am going through a [censored] divorce. I do think making a 3 hit connection with another man will help me move forward. I truly am happy with every aspect of my life other than what has been smacked in my face this past year. I crave being able to share my love and excitement about what is going on in my life with an equally enthusiastic man like I once had with WH. With time...this bruise will heal.

Cheers,

Muels

kjb,

If you don't mind, I need to ask you a couple of straight yes/no questions - Do you want your M to work? Would you want your H back if he decided to come back in the next 6 months? I know this is hard, but I don't need details, just a simple yes or no will do. Trust me - I'm on your side ... we all are.

Of course I want my marriage to work.

I would listen to what my husband had to say if he were to come through the door in the next 6 months. There would have to be a lot of real communication, some ground rules laid and much rebuilding to do in order for the marriage to return to the blissful state it was in at the start.

Wooo...OT...there was just a small earthquake here in San Diego. My computer almost just fell over. Yikes!

Sooooo, what's next. My anniversary of 4 years is tomorrow and I am the only one who really seems to care.

Just an interesting add-in. I joined a group for a run last night and bumped into my STBX-WH's X-girlfriend, the one he dated prior to me. Post D-day, I had heard rumors from fellow runners in the community that he had cheated on his x-girlfriend with me. His had told me that he had broken up with her which is why I felt comfortable pursuing a relationship with him at the time. Well, I got the straight story from his x-girlfriend and she confirmed that he had betrayed her, meaning he had started dating me prior to calling it off with her. So we have a serial cheat on hand.

Do serial cheaters every really change?

kjb-

I will tell you what many here have been trying to beat into my thick skull....

You are a runner, right? Then do what you do best and RUN!

Between the alcohol, the narcissim, and now the serial cheating...you need to get away from this man. There is much better out there for you...not necessarily right away, though. Take some time to heal.

Just my $.02.

TM

I am usually a rabbit-like runner and yet somehow, I am having trouble picking up my feet in this unplanned event...guess I have turned into a turtle as I am not very excited about running away from something that once brought so much happiness into my life.

kjb -

Before I had this last piece of information - that your WH may be a serial cheat, I would've taken a different approach to help get your WH to turn around. However, if what you've discovered re: his serial cheating is true, I must concur w/ TM - run!

I'm so very sorry you have to be caught in this situation. I do agree w/ Graycloud and am concerned about what you said re: this navy person you've recently met.

Please note that I, too, thought my M was over, so I ran into the arms of the OM b/c I was so afraid of being alone and having to find someone else to love and love me in return. And, as my D drew nearer, I held onto the OM just that much tigher. I now can see that I was just running from my problems versus facing them, and that the OM was my escape from my worst fear of being alone and to be on the single scene again. You see, my H was also my 1st, so I, too, was very inexperienced in dating/love, so I can fully understand your fears and concerns. But, please don't make the same mistake as I. It's easy to get attached to someone who may not be the right person for you when you're emotionally vulnerable. Then, when you figured it out, it may be too late. For a while there, I was seriously considering marrying the OM even though I've always known that he wasn't the right one for me. I just didn't want to be on my own. Luckily, I was able to figure this out before it's too late. Please don't make the same mistake as I have. If you do choose the D, take some time. Let your wounds heal before you embark on another potentially destructive relationship without your judgement clouded by your vulnerabilities. If you are truly how you've described yourself, suitors will be lined up at your doorsteps. Just give it some time.

Take care.

So WH responded to my letter today. I have had a few tears reflecting back as at this time 4 years ago, I was getting my hair done for the wedding (we wed at 3pm PST). I was so damn happy. The weather is even a mimic of that of our wedding which makes me think even more. Anyways, my WH responded very maturely...not sure if it is because he truly cares or if he is nervous about me meeting with his background investigator in a 1/2 hour. Thoughts?

Muels,

Thanks for the email. I hope all is going well with you. I hope you had a good B-day as well. I think you said you were in Florida for it, so I'm sure you have a great time in all the heat and humidity that I could never stand. All is good here, just waiting to hear from Chula Vista still. I think they may give you a call as they asked me for your phone number the other day. Or maybe they already have called? Either way, I hope you can try and be a positive as you can to help me out. I really think having this as my full time job (not just weekends like firefighting will really help keep me happy). Saw your name in the paper this morning too in the article about X...I can't believe he finally broke 3 hours, good for him. Hope your training and racing season goes to plan as well, and best of luck getting to the world championships. I'll keep an eye out in the results section for you.

Take care,
-WH

My response to WH's e-mail and in particular the following quote:

"I really think having this as my full time job (not just weekends like firefighting will really help keep me happy)."

WH, realize again that happiness lies within...not one thing or person or activity will make you happy. You have to be happy and confident about who you are first. Things like career, love/marriage, and running can only contribute to that happiness. I think you understand this but really have not embraced it as you keep falling and then seeking out new rather than dealing with any personal issues that have caused you to be unhappy in life thus far.

Good luck with the law enforcement,

Me

On another note, the PD background investigators came over and wanted details about everything from how we met, his upbringing, our marriage/relationship, his current and previous career paths(firefighting/finance), his 2 affairs, his relationship with alcohol, D-Day, and how he deals when stressed. It was hard for me to present the truth to some of their more intimate questions as I know the truth will most likey prevent WH from getting the position and I really want WH to find a path in life that will contribute to his happiness BUT I did remain honest with my responses and answered every question presented to me in a very mature manner. I was able to reveal what I beleive to be WH's strongest points as well as some of his weaknesses. I am not sure what they'll do with the info but I do NOT think he will get the position based on what was discussed and their responses to the truth. I really want him to be happy but unfortunately, it is obvious he thinks that by merely getting this position that he magically is going to be happy when, in actuality, it will just bring more stressful situations to his plate. Is he capable of handling them? I think he could eventually be but he needs to be confident about himself as a person before he can be confident as a cop. I wish I could help him find that confidence/happiness but WH is the one who needs to dig deep to find that inner strength, the balls to go seek out help for the personal issues that have caused him to be unhappy thus far in life.

Any more brilliant feedback for my tough situation?

Thanks,

Muels

More conversation...WH's response e-mail to me along with my response to him:

WH states, "Thanks for wishing me good luck with CVPD. Right now all I am hoping is that I am given the chance to prove myself. Guess I'll be finding out in the next few weeks good or bad. As for going back a few years and trying again, as you know that is something that we just can't do. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. Everything I've thought of would either give you false hope towards something that will never happen, or comes off sounding very cold. All I can say is that I hate that I have caused you so much pain. I struggle internally knowing how much I hurt you, but that does not equate with love. I can only wish you nothing but the best in life Muels, and knowing you....you will find it.

Please take care and keep being the happy/carefree person you are!! I'm off into Friday traffic on the 5...yuck.
-WH

I respond to WH:

"Your poor decisions in life are merely water under the bridge at this point. HOWEVER, as long as you continue to live in self denial of the problems that have lead to these poor life decisions, the water will continue to be turbulent and prevent you from ever reaching calmer waters, which is where the truly happy people in life swim and achieve success in any venture whether it be career, friendship marriage/love, relationships, athletics, etc. What has been the hardest for me this past year is watching your continued drowning within the turbulent waters as I have cared for you for nearly 6 years now and even made vows to help you through these stormy waters. Unfortunately, there is not one person who can save you without any effort on your part.

Perhaps when you married me, you thought that your problems would go away or that I would forever make you happy. Now that you met OW, you probably feel the same with her as you did with X-girlfriend too. There is a pattern and so long as you fail to learn from a professional how to swim under stress out of that turbulence, the rest of your life is merely going to bring an upstream battle with more of the same emotional rollercoaster, unhappiness/feelings of inadequacy, and internal struggles you have been riding/experiencing your entire life. Is this what you want?

I know your love for me is real and won't ever go away much like my love and concern for you will always stand strong. I know that you are unable to even fathom being a friend to me because just looking into my eyes triggers those guilty feelings and just reminds that you betrayed someone you truly care about. Your narccisitic tendencies allows you to internalize your struggles with this and project a false self, one that makes you feel "bigger", and with the company of another women (OW), a stranger in some sense, you have tricked yourself into believing that your problems no longer exist. This is a big lie that will come back to bite you in the [censored] soon enough.

Even though I did get hurt in the end, I am blessed to have known you because 1) I know what true love feels like now, 2) I have been able spend a lot of alone time in self reflection this past year which has made me a stronger woman and a woman who knows exactly what she wants in a man, and 3) I know exactly what I can and want to bring into my next relationship and marriage to ensure a successful lifetime bond. And, yes, I will continue to seek out the best life has to offer. You did contribute to my happiness and 4 years ago at this very time, the happiness was magnified as we enjoyed our wedding dinner at Cuvier Park, watched the sunset, and shared our personal excitement for the lifetime adventure we were about to embark on BUT I have always been confident about my identity, am truly happy about the person I am today, and know that I am headed towards great things in life.

My main question to you...don't you desire to swim to the calmer waters and be headed towards the same great things in life? I know that you are hoping for a chance to prove yourself in law enforcement but you cannot and will not do that unless you seek out help for the problems that keep leading you back into turbulent waters.

Cheers,

Me