Hi, NOTsecondbest.

It is a very common misconception that men don't suffer from low libidos (about 40% of married males have libidos lower than their wives). Sounds weird, but I believe that the statistic is pretty close.

That does not mean that your husband is one of them or that he isn't still currently involved in an affair.

Don't panic, and let's work through some basics and see what turns up.

First off, have you read the articles on this site, and the books recommended here? It is very important that you being to gain an understanding of affairs. Why they happen, who they happen to and the mechanisms for recovery.

Your husband is evidencing his entitlement. What I mean by that is he acts as though having the affair was his right, and not something that he did that was wrong.

Right off, there are two books you should get and leave out for him to read. Read them in front of him. "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley and "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You will gain some basic understanding of how he views himself from those books.

The way he is having sex with you indicates one of two possibilities, both entitlement driven. 1) He may still be involved, and his 'use' of you for his satisfaction is due to lack of respect for you. 2) He thinks he has a right to use you as he pleases since you broke up the outside relationship that he found fulfilling, and he wants to punish you for the 'wrong' you did, and that he is doing you a favor by doing it at all. Again, a basic respect issue.

This is all 'script' behavior for a wayward or entitled spouse. Even if he is not having an affair, his behavior will need to be addressed. He has to discover that he has no rights to anything, and that he has wronged you and himself with his selfishness. The difficult part, is that you can't teach it to him. He won't receive it from you.

Are you with me so far?

Gimble

sorry for the delay in responses- I was at work- no computer. No I am not in IC- I want to be in MC but H refuses to go- not seeing how they can help him- he knows what he is suppose to do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />... I am not sure why H does not want to have a close relationship with me- it makes no since to me since pre- affair he could not keep his hands off of me- actually during the affair he was still with me- only like it is now, nothing more then a release, no touching kissing nothing. I just might have to start looking into things a bit more. I realize that my libido is a lot higher as I get older, I think about sex several times a day. Usually when I have no chance of getting any- however it usually goes away once H gets home simply by his behavior. I am not sure if that is normal or what. I just need to get to the bottom of this, as continued rejection has left a bad taste in my mouth

Hi, NOTsecondbest.

I am running a bit behind myself today - about 16 hours :-)

Okay, so let's do first things first.

First thing I think you need to do is snoop. You need to find out where he is investing his energies.

If there isn't an outside person in the mix, then the sex issues can be resolved, but it will take some serious work, starting with you. You are here, so you get to go first.

All those things you are doing for hubby that he doesn't appreciate, you need to stop. Ask him to mow the lawn, water the grass and basically start picking up after himself. You clean up the kids mess, and your half. Leave his on the floor, but not in anger or spite.

Have you taken the "Emotional needs questionnaire" on this site? If not, print it out, and fill in what you think your husbands answers would be.

If you exhibit desperate/controlling/needy/grabby/touchy/feely type behavior toward him, stop it immediately. You need to create some LOVING distance. I am not talking spiteful, hateful or controlling distance, but loving him at a distance. Learning to want him, but not need him. There is a large difference.

The bad behavior (desperate/controlling/needy) will drive him further away and enforce his feeling of entitlement. So, you are going to learn to withdraw the 'need' from the equation. He will sense the withdrawal.

Lest I forget, it is very important that you lose the anger and start dealing with your resentment toward him. They will drive him away, and they will cloud your thinking. Get serious and logical. Replace anger and resentment with cool, calm, and collected.

That should get you started on the right path, and we can go from there.

All the best,
Gimble