... and...

When, on Sunday evening, W called and asked (with presumption), when DD would be "home", I told her, thinking that she would account it to me as a generosity, that I had offered the option to DD and DD had declined.

I should have known better - because WW was more hurt by the fact that DD declined to go home early to her mom - than she was salved by the fact that I offered it at all. She said that I was wrong to ask DD where she wanted to go - which would be true in general. A small child should not be expected to make such choices and it is better not to ask them. But, it was certainly not unfair to WW. WW thought otherwise. I told her that if I had asked DD if she wanted to stay an extra day, that would have been unfair to WW - but asking if she wanted to go home early was not. WW disagreed - and I understand her perspective. What she was more concerned about was that DD never be given an opportunity to express any preference between her parents - that she never be put in a position of choice. But from DD's perspective, she has two parents and that is not in question. It is just the novelty of being at Dad's house that is attractive to her at the moment. She doesn't equate the house with the person, nor does she for a single moment doubt that her Mom is eternally available to her and committed to her. But WW doesn't see it that way. I will not ask DD again any such thing. If it's my night, she'll be with me - period.

-AD

AD:

Well, we can certainly chose 2 live that way if we want 2. Question is, do we want 2?

I want 2 have a W that wants 2 be with me because she enjoys my company, not just because she needs my support 2 do her solo activities again.

The hard part for me is severing this 30-yr relationship, or preparing 2 possibly have 2 do so, knowing that, yeah, I *could* live like that - after all, I *have* lived that way for at least the past 15 years - but that I would rather not, because I remember when it was better than this.

-ol' 2long

2Long,

Whatever you would choose, I would respect you in the choice.

I'm not entirely confident that I have the moral right to D my W - in light of the extra-heavy-duty vows which I myself constructed - and in light of a sense that D would be worse for DD than continuing the marriage as it is. Parents are normally called to sacrifice their own comforts for their children. It just goes with the job of "Father" - something that was again impressed on my mind yesterday.

If I knew that DD would be well-and-truely messed up by the D - and that her life would be substantially better if I persist in this marriage, then it is selfish of me to D. I have read "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" and noted it's grim projections.

That thought makes me swallow hard, and leaves an ache in the pit of my stomach.

-AD

Update:

I went by the house and visited briefly. DD was doing pretty well. W was still angry with me because of Sunday night, but I listened to her for a few minutes and I think she got it out of her system.

I'll spare you the details.

The thing I noticed was that W was wearing a thong.

How do I know that?

Well, the "handles" of the thing were about 2 inches above the top of her jeans on the sides - and the "T" was showing in the back. The woman I married often wore long skirts. I don't know who this person is.

I didn't say anything about it. What could I say?

It's a little thing maybe, but ... maybe it's enough for me to say I'm done.

This was the way she was dressed going to classes today.

I stupidly agreed to return some kids' videos to the library. W said they were "a couple" days late. Late fee was $32. You could buy these VHS tapes online for a dollar apiece! I'll ask her to reimburse me.

She still hasn't paid the music school - and I haven't either. I'll take DD to music on Thursday night (instead of mid-day Wednesday). I gave WW the invoice, but I'm not holding my breath. If they tell us to pay or leave, I'll have to not disapoint my daughter, but I doubt they'll do that.

ON A NICE NOTE...

I finally started geting postal mail at my house. It feels more like home since I stop on the way in and the mailbox is full of bills and stuff. Today, there was even a book I ordered. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> It has been a struggle. Somehow the P.O. would not believe that I was here - even though people were mailing things to me at this address. I don't know what happened to the bills and things. I'm going to have to call several of my creditors and ask how much I owe. The thing that finally ungummed the works, was calling on the phone to my local P.O. and getting the right guy - who said "I'll take care of it." Sweet words, when they come from a man (or woman) who follows through. I want to be that kind of man!

So, I'd better get busy, because work is getting a bit hot. I'm way behind and the bosses are asking "when's it going to be done." I'm truely frightened for my job. Please try to run me off if you see me on MB during the day! If I'm really done, I don't need MB anymore - and if I'm not, I will be if I lose my job!

But the most important thing... I think I'm done now.

-AD