So sorry...

This hurts I am sure.

I have a high degree of skepticism about someone's character... when the A starts before the first anniversary of the M.

There is the garden-variety affair.

Then there is the life-style affair. And early in a M, I strongly suspect a lifestyle affair. I mean, the M hasn't even had a chance to ripen yet, much less become dull.

again, so sorry dear

Pep

Don't despair too long over his missed MC session. Very, very, very typical. MC before no contact is just about completely worthless.

I also tend to take Pep's position regarding short term marriages - especially when there are no children and the couple is of young age. It's a "cut your losses" sort of logic.

This doesn't mean you can't pull this off and recover your marriage. It's a probability thing. Odds are you have a real non-marriage type of guy for a husband. At least an immature one.

If you choose to try anyway, seek the advice of a shrink and see if the accident constituted a "life crisis" event that may have sparked MLC or whatever. Keep in mind - it didn't cause YOU to have an affair, right?

The apologists for my XW's affair point to the loss of our youngest son as the catalyst for her lunacy and I should have been more accomodating. Yea, OK. I can understand that to a point. But, Hello!?!?!? I lost a child, too! Remember????? It didn't make ME jump off the deep end!

WAT

You all have very valid points.

My family, of course, has told me to cut my losses, but they waffle as well. They have seen us together and have seen the love, consideration and admiration we had for each other.

He's told me that he's never loved me, that's he tried to learn to love me and he now knows he can't. Yeah, that's pretty damn hard to hear. I'm like, ya couldn't have said something 7 MONTHS AGO???!!!

Anyway, after he called me like 6x in a row for God's sake, I finally took the call. He apologized for missing the appt and proceeded to bereate(sp?) me for daring to expose the A to his boss. Then he tried to get me to start dividing up our stuff. I told him there is no trying to reason with him right now (that went over well) and that we aren't divorcing at the moment. Until then, I won't even discuss how we will divide our things.

As for exposing the A, well, I have mixed emotions about that. I've read some really good discussions on the MB boards on it and only time will tell if it was a good decision. Either way, it's out and my WH and the OW are both having to face the music with their peers and managers. Like all of you have said, he's not happy about it, but it is changing the way he handles himself at the office around her. I know their boss called her on the carpet about it and she's been told to stay out of his personal life. This is not her first office A, but it's the first time her actions have created such a stir. She's been telling other coworkers this and they told me.

My WH has also been talked to by one of his managers. One of those, keep-your-personal-life-personal talks. So long as it doesn't effect production, we don't care kind of thing. He has another meeting with his direct line of managers next week. I only told one, it's interesting how the info got passed along the chain. But that one manager took it very seriously, especially since I told him I wanted to try and save my marriage.

My WH did give me the smallest of small glimmer of hope tonight. He said he was not completely certain he wanted to end it. He said he did promise me one MC session and he will go. He says if he thinks it'll work, he go to another one. I left it up to him to make the appointment this time.

He insisted on getting the proof again though. He said that I'm playing games if I don't provide them after I gave my word. I don't recall doing that but doesn't really matter. He pushed and pushed and pushed. I told him no repeatedly. I told him he knows what he did, what he said, etc. Doesn't matter, he wants it -- period.

I caved and told him I'd send it to shut him up. I may send some of it to placate him. What do you guys think? I hate having to battle over this one thing with him, when I relented we were actually able to have a somewhat reasonable talk. Advice?

Of course you shouldn't send it! He knows he did it and doesn't need proof. Tell him absolutely not. You should not be doing anything to placate him that harms your position. Tell him you agreed to something you shouldn't have, and won't be sending him the "proof."

Why does he want it so bad? Maybe so that you can't use it in a divorce to get a better settlement? In many states, if a divorce is due to an affair, the WS won't get a favorable settlement. Maybe he wants to make sure you can't effect his settlement?

Stop, I would also add that MC is a waste of time as long as your spouse is still seeing the OW. There will be no recovery as long as they continue to see each other at work, or anywhere else. Not that he seems remotely interested in recovery. He seems more interested in burying any evidence of his affair. Maybe so he can screw you over better in a divorce settlement?

I don't remember where I read it, but there was an interesting article or post about urging a spouse to go to MC when they aren't really "dialed in" on the marriage. First of all, it's a waste of time as they're not receptive. It also gives them another excuse as to why their marriage isn't working. "I even tried MC and it didn't work."

Dobie