Today was a hard day. DH is being great. My brain is fried. Need more prayers!! Keep 'em coming!!

You got it, Miss G.

A long way back, 8 or 9 years ago, I started having feelings like the ones you describe about a girl I was in grad school with. She clearly liked me, and she was attractive, smart, and very interesting. I got some wild ideas. I'm too embarrassed by them to describe them. Awful, awful ideas.

My wife had told me once that if something like that ever happened, she wanted me to deal with it and not tell her. So that's what I did. It took a while, several months I'd say. I avoided this person scrupulously. I stopped looking for her car in the lot when I got to the lab. I took the long way around the building to avoid going by her office. I gave up on the idea of having anything to do with her. I still saw her frequently, always by accident. But after a while, the feelings were gone, and it didn't even matter if I saw her. The feelings were gone. So I know that you can get rid of these feelings by just letting them wither and die. Later, I thought of her now and then, but even in those times when I didn't like my wife very much, I never regretted killing that business off. I always knew I'd made the right choice.

Wanna know something else? Recently I heard from this girl. It was the first time in many years... she wanted to know what I was up to. I told her about my wife's affair and my looming divorce. She was very cool about it, and we emailed back and forth a little, then stopped. Even today, I've lost all interest in her. Strange.

You'll notice I haven't pitched any theories about why my wife may have driven me to this. I could, but I won't. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I never betrayed my wife. I never said anything to this woman or did anything with this woman that I wouldn't have done with my wife standing next to me. I never crossed any boundaries. Oh, how I wanted to.

In the last year my wife has cheated on me and has just about finished divorcing me. But I'm walking away clean. I carry no guilty weight for my marriage ending. I have no responsibility for it. I wasn't a perfect husband, but I would have done anything it took if my wife had only tried to hold things together. I can't tell you how much comfort this has given me during a period of enormous pain and sorrow, knowing that regardless of what my wife has done, I've broken no promises.

GC

Thanks Gray! I suppose it would do me some good to get a little 'journal entry' out.

I have been doing pretty well at avoiding contact. Today was just hard because I am more determined about limiting that contact to business, and I guess it was a little too obvious to OM. He said that I was being a little 'short' and asked if anything was wrong. (Part of me wants to just say something about it - but that opens a whole new door that I am not willing to open - the chance that he actually shares some of those feelings and then he would know my thoughts and make it more difficult to limit contact, etc.) I explained that I was just busy. He didn't press any further. Again - I felt mean because as far as I know he is clueless as to the real reason for my 'shortness' - but I know that is just how it has to be.

Thank you for sharing Gray, you have given me hope that things will get easier as each day passes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MissGeorgie,

I think you did perfect with the way you handled the situation with OM yesterday. Good for you and congratulations! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You will see that things will indeed get easier & better as each day passes and with time, patience and persistence (to do the right things) the residual feelings &thoughts for OM will fade & die as well.

Blessings,
Suzet

Oh dear, here I am again...

I recently loaded a parental security program on the computer and it effectively blocks the kids from seeing any of those lovely porn sites my DH tends to frequent. Anyone following this thread will recall that I gave my DH a letter asking that he stop visiting those sites, etc. The program has an alert feature as well as additional web history. After logging on today, I saw an alert from the parental control.

He tried to look at a couple of sites while I was at church. They blocked him - and he does not know the password to allow them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> However, on a hunch, I went into the regular temporary internet files and found that he deleted that history completely! (He doesn't know how to work the parental control program or he probably would have deleted that too!) I am more sad than I am angry. Any suggestions on handling this? Watch more? Confrontation? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

I am having a rough couple of days. NC with OM is not going too well. The fault is just as much mine as his. Today I thought about stopping by to see him at his house during lunch and what might happen if I did that. I quickly squashed that thought - but it was still there. I wonder if this is spurred on by my lacking libido and the fact that DH wanted SF yesterday but I wasn't so willing. I won't embarass myself or anyone else with details - but he really ticked me off with his actions after I let him know in no uncertain terms that I was not in the mood. (I think I may need some IC or hormone therapy for my problems there...)

Oh well - just needed to vent a bit - this is more of a journal day than a question but feel free to post replies.

Still loving this forum and so glad it is here so I can talk to all of you and never mention these thoughts to OM.

MissG, I think your H's problems are bigger than yours.

Sure, you have a temptation bugging you. Big whoop. Happens to the best of us. But if you didn't doubt your H and if he weren't doing all these foolish Internet shenanigans, do you think the temptation would be such an issue? I doubt it.

If your H is an ethical man, he should give up the Internet-inspired wanking.

Does he know you're attracted to another man?

GC

Gray,

I am afraid I have somewhat 'molded' the policy of brutal honesty to fit my specific situation - which makes me not so brutally honest. I have never told him that I am attracted to one person in particular, just that my mind was taking me places I didn't need to go and that I noticed myself having 'crushes' on other guys. I am not even sure if it ever came out that those 'guys' are at work. I am willing to get as specific as 'it is one guy at work'. However, I do not wish to divulge the name of this person.

I am afraid of what would happen then. He had voiced concerns over a year ago that I might be attracted to this OM and did not want me to go to lunch alone with him. (By the way - I never did.) Ironic - I wasn't attracted to OM at that time - look how things have changed. Ugh!

I need to journal more, but I have to get back to work - lunch is over! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Miss G,

Maybe you could confront you H about his deleting of the history containing the porn sites....then you could tell you H the whole truth about your focused crush rather than as you said "just that my mind was taking me places I didn't need to go."

You hold your H's feet to the fire with the porn thing while all the while not "practicing what you preach." You say you "would" be willing to tell him OM is someone at work but not divulge who it is. Doing that would make it look like you've been having an A since last year when your H expressed some concern about this OM, would it not?

Brutal honesty is much different than complete honesty. (I'm being brutal)

Until you get real with your H, it will be hard for things to change between you two.

God Bless,

Doug

Whoah! It has been a bit since I posted. I haven't been very good at keeping things updated.

I did confront him about the deleted history. He said he didn't delete anything. I checked a few things out and I had to eat crow big time. It turns out that when the parental control kicked in - there was no history except that in the parental control file. I apologized. Moved on. I haven't checked the history or anything since. We talked about some things the other night and he said he hasn't been to any of those sites since that day. Looks like he is being truthful.

So - the glaring thing here is that I need to do the same. Yes - I need to practice what I preach. I don't know what my 'major malfunction' is! Eh - need a sex therapist, IC, new job making the same or better money - but we all knew that. ;-)



Seriously - I don't know - would it look like that?? I believe I posted somewhere early in my thread that I already believe I have committed adultery just by having these thoughts. So - really - even if it has only been in my own mind - I have had an EA for some time now. I just don't know anymore what is wrong with me. Thanks for your advice everyone & d... I need to come clean. Now for the guts part... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Miss G,


I don't think that there is anything "wrong" with you. People get caught up in the fantasy part. It seems a whole lot more fun to have this new relationship instead of one that has issues, problems and scars from the past.


A little background...

I'm twice a BS and once a WS (in that order). My wife carried on an EA for over a year with OM#2. In the midst of her A, I had one also.

Your sitch is different because my wife wanted out of the marriage one day and the next she thought we could try and fix it. But then the next day she wanted out. I was a constant roller coaster for a looooong time.

O.k. I rambled a bit....

I don't know how your H will take it, maybe he's been here and read this already and is waiting for you to fess up, maybe not. Until your H really understands what is going on he is guessing based on how he percieves thing and for us men that often is off the mark. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Anyway good luck with the guts thing. I'll leave you with a quote.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

God Bless

Doug

Doug,

I love that quote. Thank you! Someone else gave me some excellent advise from an article... I am going to try to find things about the OM that irritate me. I have already found some today and am feeling quite irritated with him right now. In the meantime, DH is doing just about everything right and I am feeling more in love with him lately. I am almost scared to be optimistic... but it looks like things are going the way they should!

Hello everyone. It has been a while since I have been here. Things were going really well so I guess I let my guard down. And now today - I am having a hard day. I dare not say too much as I am afraid I would reveal myself to some friends that I have pointed to MB.com (including OM believe it or not). Just please pray for me. And any supportive thoughts/messages are very appreciated.

Eeeek! I really am being tempted today. The devil is hard at work in my head. I know it is no coincidence that today's issues come right after a not-so-nice night with DH. (Not willing to help with the simplest of chores, etc. He sincerely thinks that since he does manual labor and I only work a desk job that I should take on most of the stuff at home. I say - we both work - we are both out of the house around the same amount of time daily - why can't he put away his own friggin' clothes!!!)

Anyway - my brain is being pointed all kinds of directions. 'What if I just said something close to revealing my thoughts to OM? Would that give me some kind of indication from him if he is feeling the same way? Then it wouldn't be a real bad thing - not really telling him - just indirectly implying.' OH MY WORD! Is that trying to rationalize my thoughts or what?!? I can't believe myself sometimes. Last night was rough at home and I prayed for an escape - only I think God didn't hear me because I am not very righteous right now - I think the devil heard me and is trying to steer things in his direction. This is such a huge fight.

Can anyone give some tips/advice on how to get things split more evenly around the house? That is a BIG LB for me. It ends up being one for him as well because he wants SF - but I turn him right down because how can I be turned on when I am so ticked at him?? I tried to talk to him about it last night. Just talk - no yelling, no 'laying down the law' - just mentioned that I am barely treading water and need some help around there - more than he is giving at this time. He replied with the whole physical labor vs. desk job crap and that he was too tired and didn't wanna be on his feet anymore once he got home. I said - ok - so sit down to fold the laundry instead of standing. Eh - I don't know how else to put it. USE YOUR BRAIN! I know there have to be some books out there for this issue - there is no way I am the only one who has ever experienced it... anyone??

Sorry for the long post... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Miss Georgie, this really worries me that perhaps you are posting here to let OM know you are thinking about him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

About the household chores...is this new or has your H never helped out around the house? There are men that do household duties but generally it is the woman that does most. I used to be really angry about it until I realized how bad my attitude was. I was using this as an excuse to be angry at my H.

Faithful,

I hadn't even thought about doing that - at least not consciously. That is why I don't ever want to reveal too much about myself, family situation, etc. because there are those who may be on the boards that would automatically know who I am.

On the chores, he helps and does really well for a while, and then he gets into a phase where he just doesn't think he should have to. We both work full time so I think we should split the work 50/50 - but it normally ends up being more like 70/30 with me taking the lion's share. I try not to LB when it comes to that - but it gets harder all the time. Thanks for your reply. Today is another hard day. I have found myself asking for some sort of escape - and that is just the wrong thing to do - unless maybe I get an escape from the norm with my DH. Perhaps a date night this weekend or something? I am trying - I really am. Sometimes my faith and this place are the only things that are keeping me firmly planted where I belong.

MissG, are you and your DH spending quality time together? What fun stuff do you do?

Lately - nothing. Most week nights are filled beginning at about 6:30pm with dinner, cleanup (by me), helping kids with homework (me again), and then watching our own different tv shows in separate rooms. I don't associate anything fun with DH. That is a big part of my problem. I need to talk to him tonight and let him know how resentful I am starting to feel. We have both got to do some big time changing to turn this boat around.

Edited to add that I have to go now - off work and heading home. Probably won't log on tonight - but will check MB tomorrow.