Just a thought for you - as I've also struggled with how my H can just seem to move on as if 20 years didn't happen...

There may be a personality issue going on - one you are better off without. The narcissist and borderline PD descriptions I've been reading (at the advice of others here) have been helpful for me. Not that I know for sure my H was either of these, BUT to know there are people whose focus on others is really about themselves.

This was a revelation to me. I had a much simpler view of how people related to each other. But it's why these same folks can just shrug their shoulders and move on. People are interchangeable to them. One size fits all. Ugh!

Not saying this is your guy... but maybe. And maybe this way of thinking about it will make it easier for you. It has for me. It has helped me get rid of the "oh, if only..." and "maybe someday..." thoughts.

Karona,

Take your time on the list, and really think and pray about it and you will find that as you look over it in the coming months, some things will probably change.

I read the chapter TR, it is a good reminder that I'm not alone, and that he will provide me with great things if I keep him close to me.

As far as the list, I agree, I will take my time and be careful what I pray for.
You know what the say, be careful what you wish for.....

Karona

Karona ~ I'm just absolutely amazed at the high quality advice & thoughts expressed here by so many of our MB friends!!! Wow!!! What a tremendous resource this is.

I just took the 30 minutes to pretty much read through this entire post and it's fantastic! May I suggest a complete re-read at some time soon? It's so helpful & the repetition will cement all of this deep into your soul as it has mine.

I also read through Isaiah 54 myself. How powerful!!! God wants you to come to the position where you allow Him, your Maker, to BE YOUR HUSBAND!! Now if that occurs, I don't see how you will ever be mislead again by another earthly man.

I honestly think if you simply define what has happened to you - you come to the point where you realize it was the classic REbound relationship thing. This man was NOT the one God has for you to be happy with forever. It is a part of the transition that enables you to truly become the woman God wants you to become - and THEN be ready for someone incredibly special.

One final thought: My exwife was tremendously codependent. She tried to meet my every need and want and then some AT FIRST!!! But, there's a tremendous and treacherous disaster just ahead in this sort of lopsided & unhealthy relationship...it's as if there's a price to pay that you can NEVER pay! They begin to view you with distortion and unfounded suspicion and you end up with hell to pay!

Trust me! You DO NOT WANT THAT!!!! You can never be good enough back to them. You can never be needy enough for them to fulfill their OWN lacks by their obsessive seeking of personal fulfillment by constantly treating you as a princess on a pedastal. It's just a vicious downward spiral into the pit of psychological illness. Not good!

"Run Karona...RUN!!!!" (Forest Gump line)

Smiles,
High Flight

Life is a box of chocolates isn't it??!!

I appreciate you taking your time to read my post.

These people are incredible. I talk about so many of you to my friends and family.
The support and friendship from complete strangers is amazing! I can't believe I have this resource at my fingertips.

I think it would be wise for me to read this again.

I'm thinking more clearly some days. I do have my down times. Where I still feel like I have lost something so huge, that I will never have that kind of love again.

But, I wonder about what you just said. You know, he never made me feel I didn't love him enough, it was me who felt it. I felt I could never give as much as he did. It was within me that I didn't feel I could measure up. It's sad to think of it the way you put it, but I understand your point completely. And if that were to be the case, I guess I should be thankful that I'm out of it.

One day things will be much clearer and I will see this all for myself.

I'm very thankful for all the advice from everyone, thank you again!!

Karona

Karona,

You have lost something huge, You have been made to choose between having a friendship that could have possibly one day grown into something more, or it could have just remained a really good friendship.

But in that, he was forcing your hand, marry him or..you made the only choice you could based on the circumstances.

So yes, you did loose something special a friendship, and it's okay to mourn the loss a friendship. So don't be so down on yourself thinking your being sad is wrong.

Hey ThornedRose,

As always, appreciate your comments.

This loss is still eating away at me, it drives me crazy!
It seems like every day, I have a part of my day that's devoted to thinking of him, and the what coulda beens.
What a slow process this is.

Thanks for the support!

Karona

Karona, How are you doing? I just read through your entire thread and, as others have said, you got excellent advice - advice I need for myself as my three year rebound relationship just ended last weekend. My H left over 4 1/2 years ago, I filed 4 years ago, and all contact ended over 3 years ago, but because he is a alcoholic/addict, dependent on me for money, and we own a business together, he's stalled the DV endlessly.

I got involved with a man also recovering from a broken heart and we've been seeing each other for almost 3 years. My H was abusive and this man was protective, kind, and caring. It was definitely a healing relationship for both of us. But the pain of the break-up is horrible, much worse than I anticipated, even though we've been handling it in the healthy manner RM suggested.

I've gone through a lot of the same process you describe - the second thoughts, wondering why I didn't see the potential for a long term relationship. He's kind of the opposite of your guy though, not rearranging the stars for me, but more reserved. My intuition tells me it's the right thing, but my heart is crying for him now.

I just want to say I'm sorry for your loss, LetSTry. Not much I can say beyond that.

It's seems so many friends are going through breakups these days...

Hi LetsTRy, thanks for sharing and I'm sorry that you too are hurting. But, I gives me comfort to know that I'm not alone at this time. I feel so dumb about it. I'm 42. I'm not a teenager anymore. So why is this eating me up like it is??

I can't get out of the....I so messed up, no one will ever treat me/love me the way he did.
I had always dreamed of being treated the way this guy treated me. He was the kind of guy that, there would be 200 people in the room, but to him, I was the only one.
So why did I push him away?? When I read the reboud thing, it makes very good sense, but my heart isn't getting it, at all!

I go through half my day okay and the other half is pretty painful. I always felt that I needed to date to be sure of my feelings for him. These days, I really could care less.

I can't get over how he just moved on so quickly. I know that men typically are problem solvers. So they tend to "fix" the problem. So, I do wonder if this is his rebound. Whatever it is, I need to move on, grow up, and quit the pity party.

I just wish I had the crystal ball. To know that someday, someone will come along again, and treat me with as much respect and show me the love that he did.

I get so afraid that I was given this wonderful opportunity, and I messed it all up. All because I wanted to be so sure that I knew exactly what I was doing. I wanted to get to that place, within myself, to be totally confident in my own skin.
But, I couldn't expect that he would wait for me to get there.

If you want to talk more, I will be glad to. 3 years is a long time. I come to the board a lot. Heck, this is my social life pretty much. So, I will be here if you need me.

Take care LT

Karona

I really relate to this feeling. If you feel silly, think how I feel... I'm 54 (next month), not even divorced yet (but haven't seen SomedayTBXH in over 3 years, except a couple of times in his lawyer's office), and deep in the breaking up blues.

I, too, was holding back for, now I'm not sure what. It just kind of fizzled out - we were supposed to go camping - to the same campout where we transitioned from just friends to attraction 3 years ago - I got home late, hadn't eaten all day, wanted to leave in the morning, he got frustrated, and just left without me - I thought about going after him, but felt it was the end and chose to stay home.

Now it's over and I think, WHAT HAVE I DONE?! Suddenly all his best traits stand out in high relief, all the things about him that I took for granted but never got from another man. WHY DIDN'T I APPRECIATE HIM MORE? Sad to say, this was an issue for me in my M, too... Hopefully I'll learn this time. But maybe the lesson is to listen to my intuition in the first place - as people have been advising you. I had LOTS of reasons to be wary of STBXH. Besides substance abuse he was verbally abusive, dishonest, manipulative, etc., but so charming, intelligent, and charismatic... BF was very much the opposite. I wanted the charm and charisma PLUS his kindness, honesty, reliability, trust, and shared interests.

BF claims to feel pretty much as I do (or at least thought I did), that this was a healing relationship. But he'd asked about moving in together and even brought up marriage recently. I pushed away each time (I wouldn't have moved in together at this point no matter what) so I wonder how he'd have felt if I'd responded differently. Now I wonder why I was so unwilling to consider it until after he's gone...

It's scary to think about trying again (this time I'm DEFINITELY) waiting until the DV is final! I have no interest in another relationship now, which is good since, besides being 54, I live in a semi-rural area with few available men and know way too many single/divorced/widowed women "of a certain age".

You know LetsTry,
I have come to the conclusion that break ups are just as hard at any age point in our lives.

I don't have feedback from a 30+ at this time, but....
we know as teens how hard it was.
I work with a 24 yr old who is feeling it.
I'm 42, I know the pain.
Your 54, you know the pain.
We are all feeling the same emotion.

I guess when it comes to matters of the heart, no matter the age or experience in life, it all hurts the same.

But, really, I hope I'm never so hardened to it that it wouldn't hurt me. These guys were someone special to us, and we should grieve our losses.

For me, right now, I would be afraid if I had a date. I have to think at this point I'm pretty vulnerable. So, it's best that nothing has/is happening in my life.
I need to be able to see things clearly.
I also live in a small town. I think if there were someone of good character, I would have heard about him.
I think there must be some gems in the outlying areas from here, but how to meet them would be the key.

I can't imagine going through the D process for that long. Are there any clues as to when it will be final?

I'm sorry for your pain. I feel it too! I have hopes that one day all will be revealed to me why I was holding back. I hope the same for you!

Take care!

Karona

Karona, You're right. I wouldn't want to be so hardened to the pain because then I'd probably be hardened to the good stuff, too.

The problem is we own a business and quite a bit of property involved with the business. I've been running it alone for 5 years and sending him money bi-weekly. At first, it was his "pay" check just to keep him away. Since 1/03 it's been an agreed upon pre-payment of his share of the business (this leaves the issue of all the money he received for the first two years he was gone, years he claims we weren't legally separated since we were still talking about reconciling). Neither he nor MOW has worked since he left due to alcoholism/drug addiction, which is why he's in no hurry to settle and would probably be happy if I sent him a check for the rest of his life. Meanwhile, the property values keep going up as the mortgages go down and he keeps requesting new appraisals. I believe the business was overvalued and have been looking for buyers to at least get a real world value. Then, either I'll try to buy him out at the (presumably) lower value, or we'll sell. I've got a potential buyer looking at the financials right now, so that question should be settled soon. Next step is for me to make a global settlement offer and see how he responds.


I'm sorry for your pain, too, and also hope, like you, I'll figure out why I was holding back. Was it "intuition" or just fear? My IC's opinion is I've been working hard on myself and wanted more (but then why didn't I tell HIM that?) and that BF still has a lot of issues to work on. She says she feels this energetically, not just from what I said, but I wonder. It's hard to give up on a good thing for the possibility of something better. How do I know it wouldn't have been better if I'd talked to him about His Needs, Her Needs, etc.? I never even made the decision to get that far with him. Like you, I thought I was the one who would make the final decision, and like you, he finally made it for us. Like you, I ran out of time...

Well LetsTry, I would say we are in good company with each other.

Right now we don't have answers, just lots of blame, placed on ourselves.

I feel the same as you. I don't think I allowed the relationship to fully be as great as it could have been. There was a piece of me that was holding back.
In my case, it was a time element. I know that, I said it from day 1!

He came into my life so effortlessly, and I thought, there is no way something so great could be right at my fingertips.

But, I just got a book. If you like to read, maybe you should try it. I have barely just opened the cover.
It's called. "How Not To Stay Single After 40" by Nita Tucker.
I think it's going to be a good one. The cover says, The secret to Finding Passion, Love, and Fulfillment--At Last!

What caught my attention was that I read about it online. There is a woman in it, that was in a relationship for I think 5 years it said. Like us, couldn't commit. She went through what we are now going through.
After they broke, she met someone shortly after, and fell in love. No doubts!
I will let you know what I think as I get going in it.

Well, I guess I certainly understand why he could care less about moving on. To get a check and party non stop must be a pretty good life.
I hope this person gets the ball moving for you.

You need some closure on this. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that the lump sum will get him excited enough to budge!

On the other note again,
Have you heard anything from your guy?
I haven't. Just wondered about yours.

Take care.
Karona

The time element was an issue for me, too. I wasn't over my STBX and still not divorced! And, like yours, the relationship started so effortlessly. None of the awkwardness you and others are talking about in your other post because we were friends first. Also, I have trust issues after my M. I don't know if my XBF, like yours, has found someone new, but that's the first thing I think now.

Yes, I like to read, and I've read piles of relationship books since this whole thing started for me 5 years ago. I'd love to hear what you think as you get into it.

I heard back yesterday from the company considering an offer on my business. It sounds like I may know something there soon. Once I have that information, I think the divorce may be in sight. But after all these years, I hate to get my hopes up. It's amazing to have reached the point, FINALLY, where I'm hoping for divorce, something I was desperately struggling against when I got here.

No, I haven't heard from him. I sent him two e-mails and he responded to them, but hasn't to the third one I sent three days ago, so I stopped. In the 2nd he said he was willing to talk anytime, but I'm afraid I'd just break down and act desperate and needy since I still cry about it when I think of certain things. I have all his stuff he'd left at my place loaded into the back of my car so I'm going to have to see him sometime to give it to him. He hasn't even asked about it.

In my case, "absence makes the heart go fonder." But in his case it seems like "out of sight, out of mind." I guess the one good thing about NC is it speeds healing...

Hi LetsTry,

I'm so happy for you that you are getting some feedback, and that there could be a finalization in your future! Keep me posted.

I will let you know what I think of the book. I have never been much of a book reader. BUT, through everything, I have bought several of the self help books also.

Yes, it's true what you say. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. And funnier still, we seem to forget the things that were our triggers. The first week I was going through this, I was convinced if he would come back, I would put aside the things that were troublesome to me. It's been I think 18 days now, NC. I feel like I'm getting stronger and thinking maybe everyone is right. Maybe I need to really listen to whatever was going on in my head. And, if he loved me THAT much, then how was I so easily replaced?
The best part is, I feel like I'm growing by MYSELF this time. I'm responsible for being happy this time, not someone else being there to help make me happy.
That's not to say that I'm done having my blue moments. I think I will, but they are getting further apart.

I hope the best for you. Whether he is to come back into your life or not. I hope that you will be happy.

So many people said to me, don't settle. And I thought to myself, you don't understand. This guy treated me so great, why is that settling? But, I think what they really meant was, if I wasn't totally sure, be true to myself. I'm starting to feel that to be true.

I think of you often and hope you are doing okay. I wish we lived near each other. We could get together and talk.

Take Care,
Karona

Karona,

I really appreciate your encouragement. The fact that you're a little ahead of me and starting to feel better gives me hope. It's been 8 days since I've seen him, 2 since his last e-mail response, but it feels like more. I like what you said about growing by yourself this time. I tend to unconsciously mold my life around the man in my life in subtle ways - the food I buy, clothes I wear, schedule, interests... it's weird. Although I feel I'm pretty independent, I'm not used to doing things only to please myself.

After my WH left, I started going to Al-Anon again. I'd stopped going after he got sober and we moved to where I live now. I met a woman going through a very similar situation with very similar timing and it really was helpful to have someone to talk to who was going through the same thing, besides posting here on MB. I hope you'll keep posting about your progress because it really helps me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks.

It helps me to talk to you too.

It's been a month since I last talked to him and the last time I saw him was May 20th, so its going on 2 months now.

The final break up was done through text/email. Which, if I think about it, ticks me off! The two times I broke it off with him, he came to my house for me to tell him in person.
But, he didn't mind texting me "I'm sorry K."

Maybe you and your guy will get back together. Have you thought about that? What would you do if he did show up on your door step? Or called wanting to start again? Do you have mixed feelings about that?

For that first week, if my guy would have called me, I would have jumped! The further I get away from it, I'm starting to think about things more deeply. And thinking, it's best that he didn't. I have no guarantee's I will meet someone that will treat me as well. But, I guess I owe to myself to better myself before finding this out.
I think I'm figuring out, the better I can be, the better I can be with someone else, when it happens.

There is no way around the pain involved in these break ups. Maybe one day, we will both have one of those wonderful success story's we read about on here.

Take Care,
Karona

Yes - very good question - just like I had mixed feelings throughout the relationship.

[/quote]For that first week, if my guy would have called me, I would have jumped! The further I get away from it, I'm starting to think about things more deeply. And thinking, it's best that he didn't. I have no guarantee's I will meet someone that will treat me as well. But, I guess I owe to myself to better myself before finding this out.
I think I'm figuring out, the better I can be, the better I can be with someone else, when it happens.[/quote]
Yes! I'm afraid of giving up the good stuff I had in this relationship with, as you said, no guarantees of getting as good (or better?!), or even another relationship. I feel like I've been "working on myself" for so long now. When will I be "fixed"? I know it's a lifelong process, but after this relationship, I want to be brave enough to risk honesty, even when I'm feeling ambivalent and afraid it will either push us to more intimacy that I'm not sure I want or end the relationship before I think I'm ready. That was the dilemma I created for myself in this relationship and I've created similar dilemmas in every relationship to protect myself.

LetsTry,

How are things going? Any contact??

I've started the book. So far, I think it's pretty good. It hits the very issues that you and I are talking about.
You might like to check it out.
It has a story in it where this woman met a guy shortly after her divorce.
The dated for several months. (the author and friend) asked her if this was the one?? The question was asked many times of the next 7 years. Her response was, "He's a wonderful man, but I don't feel like I want to marry him. He's smart, successful, kind, great with the kids, sex is good, and I have a wonderful time with him".
Author's response was, if she didn't feel it by now, she wasn't going to, and she should move on.
The woman couldn't let go because she couldn't find anything wrong with him, and thought maybe this is how it is at our age. That there is no passion.
The author's response is that, you don't have to find something wrong to justify not marrying him. She also said, if you don't know after 6 months to a year that you love and want to be with a man, then you don't.
I guess this woman didn't want to give up the comfort, convenience and company. This went on for 7 years, until he gave up and broke it off. She of course was devestated. But, met someone within 6 months, and so it says, she was married 4 months later. And, they are very happy.
This hit me, because it described me so well.

I hope your doing well. I will talk to you again soon.
Karona