Welcome, LoversFirst1997, and thanks.

K, I had a great weekend. I almost hate to say that, waiting for the next shoe to drop... There was Friday evening on the boat with several women, friends/acquaintances - of course I was well aware of the fact that all but one other was married or attached... Then, Saturday, my friend visited and we had a really nice dinner and went to a play that a friend was acting in. Sunday, I went to a Jitterbug class with a woman friend (whose BF is out of town) - at first we were the only two extra women, but then more came and the instructors had us switching partners. It was fun, high school kids to seniors. I made an effort to start conversations with several people and to be sociable - somewhat outside my comfort zone. Then my visiting friend and I went to the lake for late lunch/early dinner and took the boat out and went swimming to escape the oppressive heat.

Although I don't expect every weekend to be as jam packed with activity, it was reassuring and let me know everything really is okay, that I'm no longer the same person I was when I got here, and I really have learned something down in those valleys!

LF1997~~
Thank you, that was sweet.
I see that your new, so welcome! Join in anytime you like.

LT~~ Your weekend sounds like a lot of fun.
Mine was rather quiet, but that was okay. I watched Diary of a Mad Black Woman Friday night. I liked it! If you haven't seen it, you may want to check it out.
I didn't realize what it was about, so I was a little surprised. I got it because I thought it would be funny, title and all.
Saturday I pretty much worked around my house as I had a group of friends over last night.
I did see in the paper this weekend that next week they have a golf clinic. My girls will be on vacation, one with dad, one with a friend. SO, I have always wanted to try it, and I think I'm going to sign up! It's 3 nights, 1 hour of instruction, 1 hour play, and then social, each night! What the heck right?! I will keep you posted on this event.

Hope your Monday went well.

Karona

OMG! Look out - the LPGA will never be the same with "Karona Woods" playing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Have fun K!

FR <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Yep, as someone else said (maybe Reborn)
How Karona Got Her Grove Back!

I'm here to claim it!!!

I think it's going to be FUN!

Thanks FR!
K.

"How Karona Got Her Grove Back"

LOL!! I love it!! Thank you for the welcome. Although I am new to posting, I've read on and off this site for a long time. Years. My memory is too bad to remember when! That's what getting older does for us! Keep growing, learning and being involved in new things...that is the secret of enjoying life! You ladies really do sound like wonderful women!!

LetsTry,
Thank you! Sounds like you had a great time. Continue to stretch yourself and do new things.

Do you take vitamins and herbs as a natural treatment against cancer? I work with a woman who had breast cancer, and she does. She's been well for about 7 years now. If you want me to I will get information from her about what she takes. Just let me knonw.

Your exh really lost two good women when they lost you two!!!

K, I love your idea about the golf clinic. It should be fun and who knows, you might make it to the LPGA tour, or at least meet someone interesting. Personally, I think I'll stick to jitterbugging. I did get invited by the one single, but much older, man at the class to join his group to drive down to the big city for ballroom dancing once a week. I don't think I'll take him up on it, but at least I felt like I was getting out there, meeting, and talking to people. You've got me curious about this mad Black woman, though. I never heard of the movie, but now I'll probably have to rent it.

LF, Thanks again. I was diagnosed 7 years ago also. I got accupuncture all through chemo and radiation and then consulted with a nutritional oncologist - an MD focused on nutritional, vitamin, herbal approaches to cancer. I still take quite a lot of stuff, though not as much as I used to because of the cost. BTW, what's your story?

LT~~
First, I want to acknowledge your "new" adventure. I THINK IT'S GREAT! I think that would be a blast! I'm sure the smile looks good on you! as I'm sure you were doing plenty of it because you were enjoying yourself!
As for the movie, as I said, I didn't realize what it was about. The ending was pretty powerful.
I'm looking forward to the clinic. I'm going out of my zone on this too! but I'm excited and ready. I have had enough of the "thinking"/(dwelling) process. I have been letting this whole "deal" consume too much of me, and I'm frankly tired of it. I've prayed about it, thought about it, talked about it, and I'm even tired of seeing the title of this post!

LF~~
I enjoyed it when I read that title of myself too! I was feeling kind of bad at that point, and it was a pick me up!
I told him when I got to feeling spunky, I was might add it to my sig line! I haven't yet but maybe........

I appreciate you compliment on my x's loss. He has lost, but I don't think he even sees it. He lost our family. Yeah, the girls spend time with him, but that's just what it is, "time". It's not quality. They have asked him to just spend time with "them". When they ask him this, he says its not fair to not include stepsister, or stepmother.
He is such a fool.

Have a good day ladies.
Karona

Look how far you've come in such a short time. I know this doesn't compare to losing our M's but it's reassuring to know we can start over, take risks, and if things don't work out, pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move on.

Yes, it's your XH's loss. I hope the girls can see that it's not about them.

[/quote]
Look how far you've come in such a short time. [/quote]
I have grown, but I'm still learning.
You are right, it in no way compares to the loss of our marriages. I like your description. That pretty much sums it up!

The girls I think for the most part understand it not about them. They do not ask him for this special attention all the time. They realize he has this other life, but when they do ask for his time alone, he shoots it down. That's time he can never take back, it's pretty sad!

Karona

OK, got a question for you. Last night I went back to the Al-Anon meeting XBF attends. We kind of avoided eye contact but he came over and gave me a one-armed hug before leaving. Today he sent me a funny e-mail that I replied to. He wrote back. He seems much more willing to reply to light e-mails than the "heavy" ones I sent him after we broke up.

Do you think maintaining friendly contact is a bad idea when I'm still going through a divorce?

K,

"They have asked him to just spend time with "them". When they ask him this, he says its not fair to not include stepsister, or stepmother.
He is such a fool."

The man is a raving fool. He will never get that time back and I can't even imagine him not regretting it. His w should be encouraging him to spend alone time with them. I'm a stepmom and I make sure that every week my H's kids get Dad alone for a day. I always ask about attending anything of theirs as I don't want to put them in an uncomfortable situation. I've told the kids from the beginning, that if they want Dad and not me around, I'm cool with that. It's paid off by a great relationship with them. I'm far from perfect but try to always put their wants, needs and feelings first.

LT,
I'm probably one of the last people to give advice on something life this, but here goes anyway. Unless you've had sufficient time to grieve and understand what happened in your failed marriage, I'd say don't entertain anyone at the moment.

LF1997,

Too late for that.

I've had sufficient time, but I'm not yet divorced. I wasn't ready when I got involved with XBF soon after ending contact with WH. I guess my question is whether it's possible to be friends after end of R, since I've never done that before. I intend to at least be friendly since running into him is unavoidable.

H left almost 5 years ago and we've had no contact for over 3 years. Like you, our R began as an A, he was married, I wasn't, and I thought we were soulmates. Unlike you, I'm probably the poster child for A marriages not working out in the long run.

H told me lies about his M and XW#1. I now recognize them as lies because he told MOW same lies about me and our M. H is an alcoholic/addict who lost his sobriety after 9 years - about a year before moving out - and became very verbally abusive and physically threatening. I also realize, in retrospect, that H was never faithful during the 18 years we were together. I've had a restraining order for 4 years.

LT~~

I will say what I think, but it's only my opinion and the thought process I would go through if it were me.
That being said.....

I would think in a way of, what do *I* really want?
Keeping in mind that....if I keep this contact open, it could very well lead back into a relationship, is that what *I* would want?
Do I know for sure that I'm at a point that if the relationship were to start back up again, am I ready for that?
I did ask myself those very quesions when I went through those same times, and I could not get to the point of YES, THIS IS WHAT I WANT, I KNOW THIS, NO QUESTION. (I think fear took over in the end, and I would have jumped, but most likely I think I would have regretted it)

I knew in my heart from the beginning (of my marriage splitting) that I needed time to be alone. A time of no relationship, to get over everything from my marriage.
I regret being weak, and going into a new relationship too soon. I caused myself more pain, and I also hurt this guy too, because I of not being in a good place.
Now, I'm sure this is what I needed. My heart is feeling totally free for the first time. I have no attachment to my x, except for my girls. As far as the xbf, I still remember the great things, but the attachment is weakening to almost gone.

The only extra thing I will add is, while I feel this way, I have had zero contact with this guy. No talking or sighting for a month now. (the last time I spent time with him was 2 months ago)
I do question myself if I were to see him or talk to him, would that set me back? That would be the real test I suppose.

I don't feel I can tell you what to do, I can only say for me.
I don't think I could have had "just" a friendship without the attachment.

K.

LT,

"I've had sufficient time, but I'm not yet divorced. I wasn't ready when I got involved with XBF soon after ending contact with WH. I guess my question is whether it's possible to be friends after end of R, since I've never done that before. "

Of course it's possible to be "friendly", not a real friendship though. It will mix him up if you try that. Men are pretty basic creatures and they don't see things the way we do. So you don't give him a bad taste in his mouth for you, and hurt his ego and pride, you need to explain why you are backing away for a time. Be honest and don't beat around the bush. Stark honesty wins every time!

"H left almost 5 years ago and we've had no contact for over 3 years. Like you, our R began as an A, he was married, I wasn't, and I thought we were soulmates. Unlike you, I'm probably the poster child for A marriages not working out in the long run. "

Every relationship is a gamble. There are so many factors involved. Basically, you have a better chance if you know yourself, know what you want, and have learned from prior failures. Older people (like me ) tend to do better when choosing the second time around.

"H is an alcoholic/addict who lost his sobriety after 9 years "

Been right there with you sweetie. I wouldn't wish it on the devil himself. It's tough living with an alcoholic. I still get a little sick to my stomach if I think about some of the details. Because of it, I have a great aversion to anyone who drinks.

K, Thanks. I agree with you about needing to be single for a time, especially since I'm not even divorced yet. I don't want to get back into a relationship. Though I could see falling back into it and getting hurt all over again I kind of doubt it will happen. I can't really avoid seeing him so some level of friendly contact, not necessarily friendship, is inevitable. I've been so firm on total NC with my H and this is such a different situation.

LT~~
I understand what you are saying, I do.
For me, while I live in the same town, xbf and I are not in the same circle so to speak. I can pretty much avoid seeing him, with the exception of a public place that most likely will happen one day.

I think being friendly with distance would be safe. It's all what you can handle.
I you can handle small talk, and each go your separate ways afterwards, you will be fine in my opinion.

For me, in the past, when I saw him, I got weak all over again. This time though, it does feel final, probably because I know I have been replaced. As the book says, the door is not only shut, it's locked!

My intent was to come across as speaking for myself. I hope I did that.

I'm thinking of you,
K.

LF~~
Yes, he is a fool, but not in his own eyes. As for his wife, I have no idea how she reacts to this. I would hope that she would encourage this time, but I speculate she does not only because the girls have told me before that she gets mad because our girls have a bond together, and hers is not in that bond. Well, of course she is not. These two have been sisters for 11 years, and are very close. They are best of friends along with being sisters. They both admire each other beyond belief, and have been through hard/difficult times together.

K.

K, I didn't feel you were trying to tell me what to do. I appreciate your input. I'm just going to take it one day at a time and see what happens. The most intense feelings I had for him were after we broke up. There was attraction at the beginning and we got along for 3 years, but it was never emotionally intense for either of us. It's sad we could get along, share so much, but something was missing, not to mention we were both recovering from heart break.

So many kids are caught in similar situations. I'm glad your girls are so close, which often happens when kids go through tough times together. The stepmom is being protective of her own, of course, as you are protective of yours. Sad how kids suffer because of their parents' choices.

LT~~
I would say that taking things one day at a time is best.
Those first days or couple of weeks after the break are the hardest, that is true.

Have you made any plans for the weekend? Any dances this weekend?

I don't have any solid plans. I may go to a mexican restaurant tomorrow night with a friend. It's pretty authentic, right down to the waiters. It usually a pretty good time when we go.

Hope all is well.
K.

There's a swing band Friday night at the place where I took the jitterbug class and my favorite local band (not XBF's) is playing there Saturday night, but I'm uncomfortable going alone and haven't thought of anyone to invite.

I have a couple of people interested in going out on the boat again Friday night for jazz on the lake, so I might do that.

My best friend from here recently moved to Mexico. My other close friend is out of town with her BF. I also have a ton of paperwork I need to get to - and the weekends are a good time to work on the computer when MB is less busy and there are fewer distractions ;-).

One thing I need to work on is cultivating more friends to do things with. With a BF for 3 years, I usually did things with him, with my best friend who's now moved away, or with my other friend who now has a boyfriend. Ah, more pushing on the edges of my comfort zone...

Hope you have a good dinner.

Yes, LT I'm with you there.
I have the same thing. I have 3 single girl friends.
Two are in serious relationships and with their guys all the time. The 3rd is nice, but she doesn't enjoy doing much other than going to a movie and eating.
The golf lessons are in hopes of maybe meeting some new friends. People to do stuff with.

The boat and jazz sounds fun. I would go out with you if I lived near you.
I would feel the same about the band. If I knew that I would know people once I got in there, I could do that, but to go hang out by meself, don't think so.

Take care,
K.