Friends

There are afew folks on here in KNOTS over their kids having to meet OPs and play "happy families".

I never endured this THANK GOD as I'd be in prison right now if this had been threatened.

But I know many of you smart marriagebuilders DID cope with this and came out the other side to personal and/or marital recovery.

How ?

Any advice friends ?

Thanks !

I'm with Bob on this I would have been in prison with the key thrown away for ever.....

How did other Marriage Builders endure this and survive it..

oh yeah I agree guys..........he'd be on a cold marble slab by now ........... I wonder ,,, the power of positive thinking? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I'm facing the prospect of this dilemma now.

At the moment, my WH is clueless about his parental rights regarding his access to his children. He has been pressing me to let the girls meet OW since just FIVE DAYS after he left us. I had my atty send him a letter informing him that I wasn't happy for the kids to meet OW yet.

WH seems to think that this letter means that OW is legally prevented from meeting the kids right now. Actually, he could introduce them any time he wanted, as he has joint parental responsibility. We aren't even legally separated.

Going to court would be counterproductive for me. They are very likely to grant WH weekend stayovers, which isn't happening right now. I'm just frightened that when I go into plan B, I'll lose control of the situation as I'll be out of contact, and WH will introduce the OW.

I know it will happen sooner or later if the A continues (looks like it's going to). I know it is something I'll have to come to terms with.

Alph.

"Endure" is probably the right word. BSs don't have much choice.

It turns my stomach every time I imagine my son being in the same house as OM. Fortunately my son was older than most minors when this went down.

On the practical side, I was successful in getting put into my separation document a provision that neither parent could have an opposite sex overnight visitor while our son was present until divorce was final. OM's W took this further and established a legal prohibition for opposite sex over night guests until remarriage.

But back to the question of how to endure? My approach has been to be the best Dad I can be. By definition, I'm a better person and Dad than OM. Period.

I trust that my son relizes this and he'll someday thank me for it. In the meantime, I believe that everyday my son is around OM that, by contrast, he gets another day's worth of reassurance and example of what honesty, integrity, and good virtues that he sees in me are all about.

I nipped that one at the butt real quick. After the initial shock, my first move was to withdraw OW's role as godmother to my youngest daughter and to forbid WH to exposing our children further to OW. I must have made myself pretty clear to all parties as this has been contested but once by OW (and never again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />!) and never by WH. Sometimes I underestimate the power of exposure to WH's family. They have been a true source of support and stability for my children with SIL taking over the role as godmother not only for my elder daughter, but now for the younger as well. Although they don't interfere or put direct pressure on WH (as I sometimes wished) they have truly been a blessing for my children.

That woman has soiled 3 holy sacraments in my family.
She has abused the trust of my children and robbed them of their stability, security, and several happy years of their childhood.
She robbed my husband of his honesty, integrity, loyalty, his wife, children, and 2 best friends.
She abused my trust and friendship.
She did the cruelest thing in the world that one woman can do to another woman and her children.

If my WH wants her, he can have her, but I will protect my children fiercly from her and her influence. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Perhaps there are more tolerant BS on this board. I am certainly not one of them in this area.

Perhaps this is a gender thing.

My problem is this - what I really fear is that OW will replace me. That she is better than me. That perhaps this is why WH left in the first place.

I don't fear that she might hurt/abuse/corrupt them; I imagine that many fathers do fear this when facing the prospect of their kids meeting the OM.

Partly, I admit it is jealousy. Yes, I am jealous of the OW, because she has stolen my husband. I don't also want her to steal what I have left of him.

Alph.

Lost - congrats on gaining this control. Not having such control does not make a BS more "tolerant."

Be aware, however, that there is nothing legally preventing the interaction and you may lose the control. I hope you don't, but be prepared for it.

WAT

This is my nightmare! MOW did replace me when I thought she was a family friend. Planning family vacations for MY family. Offering to bake birthday cakes. Taking my daughter shopping.It got to the point WH did not want to do family outings, unless OW family was included. Not anymore!! Once I exposed A, I made it very clear that if she came near my house she would be trepassing. My daughter used to have sleepovers with her daughters. It makes me sick to think about them playing the happy blended family.My kids know we don't socialize with them anymore. Last summer the families had daily contact and EVERY stinkin' weekend we did something with them. My kids don't ask for her kids or when will we see them. I've not totally exposed to my kids, but I will if I need to, they are old enough to understand that its more important to daddy to be friends with Mrs. MOW than it is to live with us is a crock of sh*t. The kids and I have not had contact with MOW since D-Day 3/4/05. I believe WH is still in contact while he is at work via phone and internet. "They're just friends." whats the big deal. AAAAARRRgggghhhhh!

I think if WH leaves us and officially hooks up with MOW my kids would not make their life easy. Especially not my daughter she is tough little cookie. DS would be quiet and sullen and try to be the peacekeeper. I pray it never comes to that.

I love the honesty of the 'nice' guys on here who believe they would really have done some physical damage to the OM.

My girls are perfectly happy to see WH but two of them have stated to me that they want nothing to do with OW. It's not a bridge I've yet had to cross but then again, according to my WH he's now taking care of himself. Yeah right! Took the girls for a swim at his apartment block last weekend. Not into his apartment, even though they'd travelled more than an hour to get there. Only to the pool. Must be hiding something IMO. Just after Dday last year, OW sent a birthday gift to my daughter and he thought it was ok to give it to her. That provoked me into such a rage, I dread to think what I'd be like if she crosses my path. Basically, I have kept well away and will protect my daughters from her /them for as long as I can.

So in answer to your initial question, I have no advice whatsoever. I envisage it as a situation that might send me off the rails. tt

I love the honesty of the 'nice' guys on here who believe they would really have done some physical damage to the OM.

TT, theres nothing even slightly 'nice' about me in a corner. I have always been and remain a total [censored] when crossed. I could tell you some tales...

Makes my plan A and response to OM even more of a miracle. Good friends can't believe it.

Your tale shows kids have minds of their own, and you've obviously raised yours with good stanards. They know sleaze a mile off. Well done !

And I've never had a cross word with anyone really all my life. Absolutely hate conflict. Always see the best in people and the thought of being in a fight sickens me. However, I might pick up that can of mace from your car this summer! TT

Even though I know my MOW is not 'better' than me (she did abandon her own husband and child), this is my fear, too. I fear that they will be the 'happy little family' my WH wants them to be. When my WH cheerfully told the kids he had found someone he loved more than their mother and they'd meet her soon, it was like a knife in my heart.

Same here, Alph. This is exactly how I feel. She has already taken my husband, now she gets my kids, too.

I don't know if it's the same everywhere, but my lawyer told me that unless my MOW is a convicted felon or abuser there is nothing that can be done legally to prevent my WH from having the kids around her, even overnight. Thankfully, my WH didn't know this. He agreed to a stipulation that our kids cannot meet the skankylosaur until mid August.

My kids are older (will be 10 and 14), so they know what is going on. Neither child wants to meet Mrs. Lastname (that's what we call her).

I am an entirely nonviolent person, but I don't know what I will do the first time I see that hag with my babies. Deep breaths and prayer, I guess.

TT I've largely avoided conflict INSIDE my marriage for YEARS. Bizarre as I do not CA elsewhere in my life.

I have a fading relish for physically fighting OM. I could almost taste it at one time. I even worked out my strategy.

But call it God, or good sense I knew that thrashing OM wouldn't help my situation.

OM GF would resent my taking away his last vestige of dignity, when instead she has worked WITH me to keep OM and Squid apart.

Another reason this stuff can be so uninstinctive.

I understand all the hatred for the OP, but I really don't understand the venom you pass onto your own kids.
You call this OP such a sleaze and should not contaminate your kids, but your spouse did the same thing the OP did - so should the spouse not have access to the kids? and why do you want such a sleaze still?

It's all about jealousy and hatred - and the kids shouldn't be used as pawns. Do you have any clue what your "protecting" is doing to your kids? I don't think so - or you wouldn't do it to them.

If you are a good, kind parent - the OP has no chance at "stealing" your kids. The are your children & love BOTH of their parents unconditionally. But if your full of venom and hatred and the kids see this and have to deal with it on a daily basis, while the OP is there as a calming effect - they will see which is a better environment.

I'm really not tryin to be mean or cruel - but I've seen from the other side what the hatred does to the kids.

"Other" .... so... ummmmmm... are you saying you are in favor of allowing young children to become aquainted with an adulterous relationship partner of one of their parents?

Would you clarify your position, please.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi, theother.

You made a good comment about parental attitudes 'poisoning' children.

I have a question for you. Why is it that 'other people', partners in illicit activities if you will, always seem so desperate to meet their adulterous partner's children.

That has always bothered me, it almost seems pedophilic in nature.

What do you think?

Gimble

Well this is what I did...I petitioned FWH to court for custody. We had joint custody established with me having physical custody. Meaning he was going to live with me and visit FWH. At the end of the hearing I asked the judge what rights I had as a 3 YOs mother. He said all rights, I said can I say who my child can be around? The judge said to an extent. I told him that my DS3 was already screwed up from his father leaving us and that I had talked to his pediatrician about how his behavior was since the affair and separation. The PED agreed my son needed counseling. I told the judge this, and that having him around the sleazo was going to confuse him even more. The judge happily agreed and even put it in our custody papers (including sleazo's name). Funny thing was when I said her name in court the judge said we can put it in the papers just like that can you spell it? The court administrator said "you dont have to I already know it"! Imagine that.

Now FF til now. DS is going to turn 5...and my H is soooo glad that he never introduced DS to OW. He is embarrassed by his decision, by her and hurt that he hurt our children.

So "Other" there is a real, true purpose to our "hate for the OP" around our children. And our DS is still in counseling and will be for the rest of the summer. Let me tell you that if you think that A's don't hurt the children I can speak first hand on that. My DS wouldn't use the potty until he was 4.3 because that was the last thing he had control over in his life after his father left us. And let me also tell you that I cried many times because my DS at three years old would say things such as "Mommy when we move does our house come with a new Daddy because I loved mine and I miss him?" or "I really want a new Dad, one that comes to see me and could live with me". How sad is that?

I rest my case.

HINY

I don't recall anyone suggesting they pass venom onto their kids in this thread. No-one is using their children as pawns - we are trying to protect them.

The point is this - 97% of affairs end. This is a fact. The OP is, in most cases, just a passing phase in the life of the WS. Why should children be confused by such a relationship, when it is more than likely to self-destruct?
I certainly don't see why I should introduce my children to a person who a) has had a large part in damaging and hurting them; b) is unlikely to remain on the scene anyway.

No one is suggesting restricting access for the WS. Yes, they are equally responsible for causing the family pain, but they are still part of the family. Of course they should still have access. But the OP? I'll avoid it as long as I can.

Alph.

HINY, my lawyer told my WH something similar: "The children already have to adjust to not having their father at home any more. They also have to adjust to spending the night in a new place (WH's apartment). Do you really think it would be good for them to have to adjust to seeing their father with another woman right now, especially since you are still married to their mother?"

WH did not see the logic in this.

I know many of us BSs have tried to facilitate a relationship between the WS and the kids. It is hard to do when the WS doesn't call or visit his kids for a week or more at a time.

I know my WH's own behavior has done more to damage his relationship with the kids than anything I could have done (but didn't do, by the way). The kids attribute some of WH's neglectful behavior to his involvement with his MOW, so their opinion of her is not good, even before they have met her.