Goodgirl:

I'm glad you came here. There are a lot of good people here that will try 2 help you if you really want the help. The main page is great for resources, like articles about how 2 save marriages or build fullfilling ones if you're not married.

I believe you are basically a good girl who just made a mistake. It is an affair, plain and simple, because you are still married and so is your OMM (other married man). And though you feel that it was just "comfort sex", you really have no idea what was going on in HIS head - he could have simply TOLD you that he felt the same so you'd have sex with him.

And: in this day and age, there's no such thing as "casual sex". Causal sex would be a more appropriate term, when you consider the possibility of STDs, in particular.

best,
-ol' 2long

killerjoe:

I note that you're new here 2day also, and I sincerely hope it's no more than a coincidence that you've only posted 2 Goodgirl's thread. I hope you're not her OM.

Assuming it's just a coincidence, would you care 2 share your story with us on a new thread?

I think you'll find, if you participate here long enough, that this is not just a forum for Christians, or any other religion for that matter, but it most definitely is pro-marriage. Sadly, there are plenty of other sites that support people wanting 2 justify adultery. You might be better served on one of those sites, if you're of that mindset.

No judgment of people from ol' 2long, just judgments of poor choices (and a hope that something I might say might help someone 2 correct those choices).

-ol' 2long

2long - BRAVO!

Goodgirl, the help you will find on these boards is AMAZING! As a recently informed BS, I don't think I have an unbiased opinion to share but I've been lurking and was concerned about the heavy sin conversations taking place since you didn't seem to invite them.

2long is absolutely right to point out that this is not just a forum for Christians or followers of other faiths -- it is a place where all kinds of people come to promote and heal marriages, their own and others'. This place has been a haven for me. I hope you will continue to feel comfortable here.

I also noticed KillerJoe became a member just after you did and it made me wary. KillerJoe I'm with 2long on this one -- perhaps you would share some of your background with us? I can see that it might just be coincidence your only posts are to Goodgirl but MAN! what a coincidence! Come share...

Sally A.

Religion? Sure. God? No.

That is impossible. The penalty for sin is death. How in the world are you gonna save yourself from that?

Actually, yes. He said so in the Bible. There are so many passages where He says what He expects in marriage and with sex. Now, if you choose not to accept that...okay. That is your decision. If there is not a God, then no problem for you, right? But...if He is who He said He is...then not taking Him at His word will not bode well for you my friend.

In His arms.

Goodgirl...if you took my answering your questions as me judging you, then please do not. You had stated in your question that you try to follow God. That is a good thing. In my answer, I tried to show you (and others) that sex that isnt with your spouse is sin. It is either adultery or fornication. If you meant what you said about you following God, then I hope you will consider what He has said on this matter.

Ahhh, yes. Believe me...Mortarman is as flawed as anyone!! Maybe more so. Again, if you took my post as judgement, then I hope you would reconsider that. I answered your question based o nthe word of God and what He commands us to do in our life (God isnt into suggestions...only commandments).

Okay. I had assumed that you were a Christian. My mistake. But even still, as we have talked about so many times on here...the ultimate question, which will answer all of your other questions, is this: who is Jesus? Answer that one truthfully, and you will have the answers to all of your other questions.

I love God also. I am not into labels. But I am into Jesus and who He said He was/is. And He can only be one of three things...a lunatic, a liar or He is the Lord. Now, if He said He was God and knew He wasnt...that would make Him a liar. If He said He was God and He wasnt and didnt know He wasnt God...then that would make Him a lunatic. In either of these cases, then the God of the Bible is nothing...and does not exist. And you are free to love any god you would like.

But if He is God, as He said He was...then you must take Him at His word...all of His word. You cannot just pick and choose.

You see, if Jesus isnt who He said He was, then the Bible is just a book of stories. And there is no definitive basis for morality. Which means fornication isnt wrong, adultery isnt wrong, even murder isnt wrong. Why? Because who gets to decide what is right and what is wrong? The majority?? What if the majority changes its mind and says that adultery is okay...does that make it right? You see, if we can make up morality as we see fit...if we can make God anything we want Him to be...then right/wrong/sin/good/evil...all of these terms mean nothing.

Anyway, this is your thread and I do not want to hijack it. But, I will always give an answer based on what Jesus has said. If you choose not to believe Him...then that is fine. If you do choose to believe Him, love Him and follow Him, then the things I have told you you will have to consider.

All true!!!

Very good.


In His arms.

(((GoodGirl))), if my post came across as judgmental or rude, I'm sorry for that for it was not my intention at all. I was merely stating my opinion of what was going on based upon the information you provided taking into account this statement: Like others have said, that doesn't mean we all don't make mistakes or fall down and Lord knows I make my share and then some.

That being said, in your words I heard you saying that you were concerned about being the Other Woman and not taking into account that you were also cheating on your husband. Many people in broken marriages or in seperation use this as an excuse to commit the act of adultery, simply saying "Well the marriage was over anyway". But the fact of the matter is that it's not, yours isn't and neither is your affair partners. Yours may truly be simply waiting for the ink to dry but what do you truly know about his? Furthermore, even if you are simply waiting on the ink, we are called to follow the laws of man, a law by which you are married.

Aside from the relious aspect of things, there is also the "GoodGirl" aspect. Granted I don't know you nor what struggles you've been through but I can tell you that I've been on this site since '01 (I changed my name for privacy), so I've seen my fair share of people get quickly involved in relationships or flings or affairs or whatever and not once have I seen a positive healthy outcome. It typically only delays nature's plan.

I do hope that you stick around this site and continue on your venture of self-discovery.

God Bless

AH,

I am not Goodgirl and cannot know how she interpreted your two previous posts, but I thought they were exceptionally non-biased and non-judgemental while still making good points, which is why I commented on them.

They really got my attention for that reason.

Goodgirl,

You seem like a good person who does not wish to cause pain to another, so I wish you all the best as you try to work through this.

Another one to GoodGirl.

I just wanted to say that after reading your last post, I think you are a very level-headed and down to earth person. Two qualities that I respect a great deal. You are going through a difficult time, and to me, that makes your clear thinking even more commendable. Don't let guilt about sin play into your thinking. You're a good person, you may have made a mistake, but that's in the past. Move forward with confidence. I hope that helps in some way.

kj1:

How can we help YOU?

Thoughts?

-ol' 2long

Let's clear some things up.

First of all, I do not know GoodGirl. I have no idea who she is other than by what she has written here. Yes, it is a coincidence that I have only posted to her. The reason for that is simple: I felt that I could offer her a few words of encouragement - nothing more, nothing less.

Let's move on.
When I read from folks such as Mortarman about sin and religion and god and guilt, it irritates me. I think that religion can be just as damaging to a person's spiritual and emotional development as drugs, alcohol, violence, etc.

What we need from religion is not guilt. We need understanding and encouragement.

Here is my story in a nutshell:
I am married (10 years). One daughter, 6 years old. I am 41. For the most part I am happy in my marriage, but like all marriages, we have our ups and downs. Four years ago, I carried on an online "relationship" with someone I never met in person. However, I sent IMs to this woman daily for about a month. It was one of the stupidest things I ever did for several reasons. The most obvious of course being that it really hurt my wife. She eventually found out after I had made a couple of calls to OW on my cell phone. My wife happened to look at the phone bill and noticed. Unfortunately, I didn't have the courage to tell her. I handled it like a coward, and I am still ashamed of it.

I don't know what else to say right now. I would be happy to satisfy anyone's curiosity by answering any questions that may have arisen from my posts.

One final note. I think this discussion forum is absolutely fantastic! I really do. I have gained comfort and understanding simply by reading through other people's stories, observations, discoveries, and strengths. I think this site, and others like it, are incredibly beneficial.
Thank you for letting me share my thoughts.

kj1:

I'm glad 2 hear that you are one of the 42nate ones who found this forum before any real damage could be done 2 your marriage. There are a a number of others who came here out of curiosity or a desire for personal growth.

About the religion stuff: Mortarman is one of a few truly passionate about his particular brand of Christianity. I've butted heads with him over the past 2ple years I've known him on here, but for the most part we get along pretty well. And there will always be differences of opinion on matters of religion (or pretty much anything else, for that matter). What I think we all come here for is a chance 2 get feedback, ideas we might not think of on our own. But we're all capable (and responsible) of figuring out what advice we should and shouldn't follow. Because in the end, we have 2 make our own decisions.

nice 2 meet you!
-ol' 2long

Good. And I agree that GoodGirl is a good person. A bad person would care less, and would not ask the questions she is asking.

Religion? Sure, I might agree with you in many cases. God? Never bad for you...ever.

You misunderstand my posts. I could care less about religion. And what more of us need is guilt. If we didnt have guilt, we would have no motivation to change or do right. When we do wrong, there should be guilt. Always!! Should we hold onto that guilt forever? Of course not. We should deal with the problem, repent and seek forgiveness. And then leave it in the past. Religion does not necessarily offer this. God does.

I am sorry if you do not believe in God's word. And you have a right not to believe it. But for anyone besides God to change God's word is folly at best. If God is who He said He was, if Jesus was who He said He was...then the God of this universe has the right to set up the rules anyway He likes. Of course, I am glad that God made these rules out of love, not out of being a tyrant.

When my kids break the rules, do I say "Oh that's okay son. I know you are a good person. Dont you worry about that?" Or even better, if my daughter would do what my wife did in her affair, do you think I would just say to her "That's okay...you two were separated. You shouldnt feel bad about yourself and what you have done." Would that be loving? Would I be a good father to allow my daughter to believe that she can sin and destroy lives...including her own...and I just say "that's okay honey?" No way.

Instead, if my daughter was out doing what GoodGirl had been doing or what my wife did, she would be confronted with a Dad that would show her the meaning of guilt. Why? Because I love her and I want to see her stop sinning, stop destroying herself and others. I want her to do right, and to be close to God. And it is IMPOSSIBLE to be close to God when we are sinning. Impossible!

So, I will read her the riot act. I will tell her what she is doing wrong and why. I will tell her what God has sais about her actions...all because I love her!! If she feels guilt from that...then good! She should!

So are things good with your wife? Are the two of you doing okay?

We are glad you have found this. And welcome you as a part of it. We are all here to comfort each other and help each other find the way to successful marriages and families. And that is the goal of all of us, no matter if you are "religious" or not.

In His arms.

Ditto to what my good friend 2Long said here! We have had our disagreements. But our overall goals are the same here!

Killerjoe, I'd like to simply add one more thing to what MM said. If was unsure of the posters relationship with God or knew they didn't believe, then I wouldn't talk about God with them. But this poster did say she was a woman of God, therefore she got the responses that she got out of Godly love. If you are a non-believer, then I would simply ask that you respect it when believers are posting to one another.

Believer, non-believer, Christian, athiest, black, white, woman, man, wayward, or betrayed, we are all here for a reason. With respect and understanding there is something that can be learned from everyone here. I've been on this site for a long time, though the registered date doesn't show it, and I've had my life changed by all kinds of people.

Well said AH.

In His arms.

Post deleted by GoodGirl

“””We agree that we are friends and that the physical part is not necessary for us to be friends.”””

If you can do that, fine, power to you. It’s been my life experience with my education from the school of hard knocks that friendships/relationships progress rather than regress in the physical arena.

”””Neither of us still feel we did wrong given our separations and the circumstances.”””

So do you feel that in God’s eye, what you did was what He wanted you to do and it glorified Him? If so, then may he smile on you….

”””It is healthy for me to ask the questions and come away feeling alright about this encounter since I've spent so many years not feeling alright about anything else.”””

Why it may feel healthy to justify a behavior and feel all warm and fuzzy about it, that does not change the behavior. I do believe that it would be healthy for you to end your marriage honorably and properly. I also think it would be healthy for you to go through the natural grieving process over the loss of your marriage. I think it would be healthy to do these things without substituting pleasure for progress.

If we can be of further assistance or comfort on your journey, please just share….

Mortarman, I could sit here and debate God with you all day, but that isn't going to help anyone who is struggling with their relationship. I don't think we should argue over this. You have your viewpoint, I have mine. I think we are going to have to agree to disagree. One thing I want to say, though. When you come down on people for not living up to YOUR idea of what God is, or wants, you are often going to wind up with one result: driving people away. I think you should seriously consider this basic fact as it applies to your relationship with your daughter. One cannot teach another anything. You can only help a person to discover through their OWN eyes. The guilt and shame is negative and I think it only helps your own ego.

Sometimes guilt and/or shame are a natural consequence ... which occur when a good person does something the good person does not actually approve of ... the resulting negative self feelings indicate a working conscience.

Without a working conscience, psychopathic behaviors are likely.

There is such a thing as inappropriate guilt and/or shame. When a good person assumes the responsibility for unhappy consequences ... without actually having committed any wrong doing.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

A question for GoodGirl. Actually two questions. You mentioned earlier that you were concerned for your friend's soon to be ex-wife and that your encounter may have jeopardized a possible reconciliation between them. I was just curious if you talked with him about that, and if so, how did it go?

Also, you said that you spent so many years not feeling alright about anything. Did you and your H stop talking? Did he stop talking? What do you think led him to seek out the OW?

Sorry, that's 4 questions, not two. I am just curious.
Thanks.