LM, sarcasm?

SHIM:

Well sort of, but not completely. It is part sarcasm and part reality. I honestly cannot believe that there is one person....yet TWO people in this world who could somehow conclude that Danigirl has acted with "boundaries" and a "plan" through this mess. I don't think I have read of a more dysfunctional and co-dependant situation here on the boards...but alas, NOT ONE, BUT two people back to back see it differently. SO while I may have started out with a sarcastic blog, it kind of changed midway through. Maybe the dysfunction and horror of this situation is actually not so bad, and it is "just me" who doesn't get it. I never in a million years could belive that anyone could write what you wrote and actually sincerely belive it, but you got someone to agree with you quickly and I surmise there are a hundred more here who just didn't have the guts to offer the "dissenting" opinion. Actually now, I am convinced there are many lurkers who are in agreement with you.

That got me thinking. Maybe it is "just me" who doesn't get it. I am really starting to belive this. Epsecially after reading your take on this all.

So to answer your question, part of it is sarcasm, but part of it is truth. Who knows where the answer is?

Thinngs that make you go hmmmmmm........ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

LM

How the Codependency Movement is Ruining Marriages by Willard F. Harley, Jr.


Just because a group of folks jump on the wagon and agree with any one person, doesn't make it right or wrong...

Hopefully a person who reads on here will review all advice and put into action what will work in their situation. I do not pretend to know Dani's situation, but I have been following her story for quite a while, and I think I'm reading different things from what others are reading.

I have read some pretty harsh words towards Dani's situation that I don't think are deserving. She is filing for D, is separated (WH doesn't even know her address), has had her WH arrested numerous times, has an RO against OW. How many more boundaries can she put up? Honest...I'm thinking people won't be happy with her actions until she's sent him to a Morrocan prison. And folks are still yelling at her to get him out of her life...she can't do that, she has children with him...

Fair enough. In the end, we will just see how this "all plays out". I have broken my own rules a million times over by continuing to post in this thread.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />,

You giving the link that you did in this particular thread makes my point entirely. Thank you very much for giving me the impetus to "move on" from this.

Dani: "Good luck" !

LM

I had a chuckle when after posting a link to Harley's take on the co-dependancy movement you say that just because a group of folks jump on the wagon and agree with any one person, doesn't make it right or wrong... yeah, no kidding.

What irks me is when I see the 'put up with anything because you are trying to save a marriage!' mentality here.

It kills me to watch Dani second guess herself when so many of us- including very knowledgable and wise MBers- see what she is setting herself up for. It kills me that she is still in mourning for a user.... I understand, I empathise, but I worry every single day she's going to let him walk right back in and set her up AGAIN for more pain and suffering.

THAT is why so many of us are taking a hardline on her. If her husband was IN ANY WAY healthy and truly contrite, you bet your [censored] Id tell her to go ahead and give the 'counseling' a chance.

BUT HE IS NOT. Not in even ONE area of his life.

This is an interesting discussion in a fundamental way, regarding MB principles.

How does one apply the precepts of MarriageBuilding when one partner is mentally unbalanced?

Clearly, Dani's WH is atypical in his ability to function emotionally. He's apparently mentally ill....and predisposed to mental illness genetically.

How can the MB program, which is ostensibly designed for normals be adapted for him?

I agree with you Mo'



But something I rarely see on here. This may be how people misconstrue it. What I see, and how I've used MB principles is to realize your part in how things play out, and learn to assert yourself without LBing. Some people don't know how, and think that means you have to keep quiet...on the contrary. It irks me too when a person is putting up with their partner going out to be with the OP at all hours in Plan A and think they have to put up with it and not say a word...what it means is you say something, but no yelling, screaming, temper tantrums like before...it means honest talk.

The reason I've piped up now is because I see folks talking to Dani as though she has been a doormat in this situation, which she has definitely not. She is D'ing Mr. Dani. What she does hold onto is hope, and it seems folks want to tell her to give that up...I don't think she should, I think she has a great capacity for love, and she can hold on for a long time...not in our time, but in her own time.

Dani has left the building...

I know that you want to do whatever you can to make your marriage work. When you are ready, you will definitely earned your way out of this relationship.

Sorry to say, I think your WH is a whining little boy. It's always going to be your fault. You will never be able to do enough. There will be excuse after excuse for why he just has to act the way he does. Like abandon your family. Like steal your money. Like go to jail. Like not find a job. Like carry on an A with some sleeze and ruin her life too. Like threaten to thrown you out of your apartment because you cramp his style. As a typical selfish needy boy, he loves to fencesit and eat cake. It's all "me, me, me!". What is the lesson your children are learning? Is this what you want from life?

Do the work you have to do and then get out of it. Nobody wants a divorce but nobody deserves to live in pain. Protect your children and your self!

Dani, I have no advice for you, but I am still praying for you.

I'm praying for you too Dani.

I am one of the ones who said Dani's WH is nuts, and I think he is. But then I think that my cousin who is a crack addict is a nut too. The only time her XH and kids have anything remotely close to peace and happiness is when she is in prison. She gets out of prison for awhile and all hell breaks loose. She goes back, whallah...peace.

But then it is Dani's choice to love him or not, and she will do what she absolutely has to do until she feels differently, as we all will and do.

Wishing you the best Dani and wishing like anything that this was not your life at the moment, but knowing that good and wonderful things await you, because you are such a loving person.

And when WH ceases to be a "nut", I will change my opinion about him. But until then, a rose is a rose is a rose.

Amen to that Weaver. I have cousins in the next state that are the same way (drug addicts). I stay away from that side of the family and let them do their thing - I don't need involved in the drama. I'm happy that way. I hope Dani can get away from her WH's drama - I think she'd be a lot happier, too.

Ok...she is divorcing her H.

Hopefully.

Our reactions are reading between the lines of what she is writing... and we are seeing the chance that she will be pulled back in, put off the divirce in yet another last ditch effort to save this man who is no longer her husband.

Its not about her being a doormat.

Its about her not believing her marriage is dead and still holding on to that sliver of hope.

We're scared she's going back.