Would it help you to discuss these 2 separate D-days?

Did you confess to your H when he had no suspicions? (very unusual BTW) ... or, was your EA discovered?

And why 2 D-days.

This may be important as to why your H feels you are not forthcoming to all the A details.

Care to broaden the story yourself and explain what happened around the 2 separate discovery dates?

This is not a trap ... but an opening of a trap to set you free. Half a discovey makes the BS crazier than getting it all at one time ... just so you know.

only if you wish to....

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Pep, You went were I was going. I had about 4 D-days. When my XW and I decided to reconcile we also decided that "everything from our 16 year marriage had to be on the table" as I had heard of an affair of hers after our divorce which she would neither admit or deny. So first she admitted it...that she had been with someone twice while she was out of town for work...then...it was she had only slept with him twice but they had done other "work related" stuff together. Then after 9 months..."it was a full fledged EA and PA that lasted a year. She had planned and executed their meetings...went to conferences early....met him at an airport that he flew his jet to 100 miles from our home...took him to a motel....It was devastating..each and every time...she was not honest with me...and it has hindered recovery...

What I learned was, she doesn't want to talk about it any more than I do. My assumptions were because she did not talk about it, she just answered my questions (which at times resulted in lies, no matter how small a detail). It is very hard for her to discuss. She hurts too. She feels humiliation for her actions. Her shame is immense. Unfortunately everytime I want to discuss it she thinks I want to fight. I don't. I want to understand. Some things I have resolved others I'll never understand. What am I saying? I know how she felt at that time, I felt the same way, we made different choices. What we work on now is taking care of each other EN's. You and your husband not being able to discuss stuff is one of your needs. You found it with someone else. Eventually when that happens you end up in a PA.

What can you say? I can't speak for him. Understand that this is in his mind more often than you want to know. It has been almost a year since D-day #1 and I am still reeling. You need counseling without excuses. Do it if you want to save your marriage.

Read this board, these peoples experiences are unbelievable and their resolve immense. If only 10% of the population worked this hard to protect their love....

Good luck

Pep -
Here is the difference in the two different D-days. He had absolutely no idea and I hit him with a ton of bricks when I told him on 1/1/05 - more because I was very depressed and I 'confessed' to the OM's wife - I didn't want him to hear about it from anyone else so I had to tell him. He knew that the OM and myself always talked to each other and he never had a problem with it (at least he never complained about - he trusted me completely)...The OM had been living with us because he was separated from his wife (financial and emotional problems). We were driving to work together everyday, talking every evening ..etc.

The OM moved out on 12/20/04 and I was upset because he moved on to another female 20 years his junior...jealous if you want to call it as it was. So I talked with his wife, told her what I had done and she basically said I needed to tell my husband. It was over by this time and I didn't want to hurt him...I really thought I could just put it behind me .. but I didn't want him to find out from anyone else. Problem was I told him that we kissed and held hands and that was it...then I had an emotional breakdown 5 days later - ended up in the Psych hospital for the day. He picked me up and finally figured out on his own that I must have slept with him. We have talked about this many times with him wanted details, details, etc. I have answered every question, given all the information he has asked for, many times though I have said "I DON"T KNOW WHY"...because I sometimes really feel like I don't know why. In any case.....time goes on and we do our thing. We started MC and family life keeps getting in the way. I go a couple of times by myself and tell the MC something that I had not told my husband. She says I cannot come back until I tell him myself or I tell him in front of her...as it was stated in the beginning that we were to have total honesty..and she couldn't continue to see us if I was doing that. It took me about 3-4 weeks to get up the 'courage' to tell him...which then leads to the 2nd Dday...My reason for not telling him is because I felt that since nothing really happened, whats the point of hurting him even more and I was afraid he would leave me...I realize now that even though 'nothing' happened - something did happen.

What I had tell him is this-
I took the OM to a hotel where we proceeded to stay for about an hour and a half - there was an attempt at intercourse but the OM had issues and wasn't able to perform (this took up the half hour). So instead we talked for about an hour before we left and went home.

The OM told my husband that I was the one who went after him and I needed help and that everything was my fault and he had nothing to do with anything... But after I told my husband about the hotel...he said he felt like he owed the OM an apology because he must have been right that everything was done by my doing - IT still takes TWO no matter how you put it together.

Before I told him about the hotel, he would always says things like it seems there is stuff missing, things just didn't make sense, it feels like I haven't told him everything. AFter I told him about the hotel, he said he didn't need to go to MC because now that he knew everything what was the point in going. I have said to him that we need to go to learn how to communicate the right way...etc. But I have yet to get him back there. I have gone twice since I confessed the rest of the story...but that was almost 1 1/2 months ago because of family events.

So I am not sure where to go from here...or if I have answered your questions...

He doesn't know everything does he? He knows the facts. What he doesn't know is why. And neither do you. It's easy for us to say that you were not getting your emotional needs met by your husband. I know that I did not even come close to meeting my XW's needs when she had her affair yet I still ask why.

I think that you could both learn from counseling, both IC and MC. I'm pretty sure everyone here would agree.

The fact that he has 2 D-days will impede the "trust factor". Out of no where questions could arise. And his trust issues can be addressed in MC.

Good luck...