Yes, some of us are anxiously waiting to hear what happened on your trip. I hope it wasn't too difficult for you.

Thanks for checking on me SS, Owl and SVB1,

I'm exhausted and going to sleep immediately, but a quick update I can provide.

W is a US citizen!!!!

I found great pleasure in watching 62 people from 34 different nations take the oath of citizenship and receive their certificates. This is a great nation - and much credit goes to those who choose to join us, to come from all over the world - to wait patiently, to do all that is required - so that they can at last say "I am an American!" (many with tears in their eyes)

Some of those people I sat with in waiting rooms today - and came to feel that I know them a little. We are a richer nation today, than we were yesterday - because of the addition of these 62 - and many others who, no doubt, did the same thing in other cities around the nation.

And, no matter what happens in our personal lives, I'm glad my wife is one of them.

God bless America!

More tomorrow.

-AD

AD, I am glad you were there with her. Sleep well.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the smile, Weaver.

I'll write a bit more about it. SVB, remember what I wrote about my w and eating out? It happened again yesterday for lunch.

When they gave her the good word that she was approved, she had to be back at 2pm for the ceremony (sp?) so we had time for lunch. W didn't want to eat in the building's cafeteria, so we walked outside. She was already asking "where". I told her I didn't want to drive anywhere, so it had to be somewhere we can walk. (As an aside, I don't tell my wife what kind of shoes to wear and if she wants to wear uncomfortable ones, is it my fault? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />)

OK, where was I. We were walking out - I asked one of the security people (there are dozens of them) where was a good place to eat around there. He said "there's a McD's down that way, KFC around the block, sub shop over there." None of those sounded quite "upscale" enough for the occasion, LOL. (I should remember to ask somebody in a suit rather than in a security uniform.) So, we walked. About 10 times W told me "I don't want to eat in that sub shop" and each time I told her "Ok, we won't eat in that sub shop". (We were, by that time, walking and had our back to the cursed sub shop). I became a little annoyed, but didn't say much. We passed the KFC, started to turn a corner and look down a way and she started into it - how terrible it is to go anywhere with me etc. etc. etc. "Normal people", she says, "research where they are going on the internet and choose a restaurant in advance". "So, why didn't you do that?", I asked. Yada yada yada. Same ol' same ol'. She got increasingly wound up - people were looking at us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> She said "I never want to go anywhere with you." and "Now I remember why I am divorcing you." In short, all the usual lines. Eventually, she chose a cafeteria (probably no better than the one in the building where we started).

She eventually settled down.

Appologized afterwards - again on the way home - again at home - again by phone today. At least she applogises. But, we all know, it's still my fault.

I skipped work today - stayed home - too tired.

W called around 10am - said she had a dentist appointment and asked if DD could stay with me. I agreed. She was here for a couple of hours. When W came, she was pretty groggy and could hardly talk. After staying a little while, she left with DD.

This evening, WW called - so that DD could say goodnight. I was over at the other house getting a load of stuff. After DD said her few words, WW wanted to talk and talk. She talked about the things I used to cook - said she missed my cooking! (Amazing, considering that I cooked about 1/5 of the time). She was talking about getting together with me this weekend for a picnic. I kinda said "OK", but didn't get too enthused about it. I finally made my excuses and said goodbye after a half hour convo.

-----

For me, I feel constantly like I need a buddy to keep me on track. Right now, there are so many things I need to do. I just need somebody to keep me focused and to work alongside me a bit. That's really one thing I wanted from my W and never really got. I'm very undiciplined right now. A guy buddy is really what I need right now. I don't have many friends left and the ones I've got don't have time to babysit me, LOL.

Tomorrow, I want to stay off MB while at work - and really get something done.

DD is with me tomorrow night. I have no idea what we will do.

G'night.

-AD

AD,

It's really an experience to see the ceremony, isn't it? I'm glad you were there to witness it. I went to H's ceremony in 2000. There were 50-60 people there, too, becoming citizens. I was amazed at all of the countries that were represented. I was also at my mother's ceremony when I was about 4. (I took the little flag she received to show and tell in kindergarden. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

As for your W,

"Normal people", she says, "research where they are going on the internet and choose a restaurant in advance".

She is lucky that you were even THERE. She just doesn't get it! How frustrating! grrrrr

I wish I could give you some wonderful advice, but I can't. Just know that I am one of many out here that reads and cares. This is not a BLOG.

SVB,

Thanks for your comments. I wondered when your H became a citizen. Unfortunately, they don't hand out those little flags anymore.

My Mom used to teach a "citizenship class" when I was a kid. I thought it was a big deal - and she was always very pleased and proud when her students became citizens. Now, I realize that the "civics test" is laughably trivial, but maybe it was different back then. In any case, my Mom's interaction with internationals was probably the seed that let to me marrying an immigrant.

You remember your Mom's ceremony?!

DD is 4.5, and I don't think she will remember. She had a coloring book and wasn't even watching. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Gotta sleep now.

-AD

Oh, and she does get it. She has thanked me many times now - and appologized for the meltdown many times. That really does help. She's not so bad.

Well, it's been 5 days and nobody asked about me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So... I'll just make a little report anyway.

DD is here, sleeping. I take her back to her mom in the morning. This is my weeknight. Today, I picked her up at 3:30 instead of the usual 5:30 - and there was no music class, so we had more time together. I don't know that I made very good use of the time. I continue to work on being the best single parent I can be while she is with me.

Last weekend was my weekend. I didn't do well at all. I was very tired, due to accumulated under-sleeping. Saturday, I let WW come over and eat dinner with us, give DD a bath and put her to bed. She left after that. Sunday, we all went to church together and had lunch here together after that. WW begged me to let DD come home on Sunday night instead of Monday morning -and I did.

I'm determined to make more complete use of the time - and to have all 10 overnights that I am due each month. The key thing is that I have to be well-rested and prepared for her time with me. This weekend, I wasn't.

I feel that there is no alternative to a D now. This second separation would be looked back on as a pattern thing. I don't want to be separated every few years and then get back together. Tomorrow evening, I go to the "parenting in divorce" seminar which is mandated by our local court. WW attended three months ago. After that, we have only to update the papers and have them filed.

I don't know what WW really wants - and I suppose I'll never find out - except by the passage of time.

When we married, I took my vows very seriously - and still do. They were especially constructed to be extra-heavy-duty. Where is all that now? I don't want to be a fool about it, but I don't want to be unfaithful either. Neither of us are dead - and we have, nevertheless, parted.

What will happen 18 months from now, when her temporary allimony runs out? If she doesn't find a job, what then? Will I bail her out? Will I not? Can I stand to watch her fall?

The vows don't have an escape clause in them.

I know, a few of you will tell me that since she broke 'em, I'm not bound by them. I don't buy it. The truth is that since she broke the vows (never took them seriously), I'm finally deciding to break mine too - by divorcing her. Whether I remarry or not, I will have "abandoned" and "forsaken" her - which I promised that I would not do.

OK, enough about that.

I'm doing a little better in my work.

At night, I get pessimistic. This morning, my homeowner's insurance agent was coming out to take some photos of my house an decide whether to continue to insure it. Last night, I was sure he would not. This afternoon, somebody from his office called and said "everything is ready, just come by and sign". But last night I imagined that I would have no insurance, that somehow I would lose my house, that I would have nowhere to live etc. etc. Nights are tough lately. The days are OK.

So, I'm going to sleep now.

-AD

Sweet dreams, AD. So sorry you are going through this. God bless.

Hi AD,

I didn't ask about you, but I wondered how you were. I figured that you had gone on that picnic with your W and that you were pert near reconciling.

I know what you mean about the vows - I'm stuck on that, too.

At least I'm glad that work is going better for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Also, I really do remember my mom's ceremony. It's kind of fuzzy, but I remember. I remember sitting in a large room in an audience with my dad and my brother. Then I remember my mother going away to be up on a stage for ....... something. She came back with a cool little flag. I'm sure she had paperwork, too, but it was all about the little flag for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Now I really understand what it was all about. I also feel very thankful and blessed that my parents came to this country.

Anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if your DD remembers that day in the future. (of course it would've helped if your W got a flag) I'm sure she will also be very thankful, too, someday, that your W came to this country.

I hope you get a good night's sleep tonight. That way you can really focus on your work and your DD! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

AD, we've been wondering about you at the fire.

I don't like the idea that you'll divorce your wife but live like a monk and still be there when she needs you financially. I know that isn't what you want.

GC

Neak!

Thanks for stoppin' in on my thread. I have to admit, I haven't kept up with yours - but I figured that between you and your Mom your WH didn't have a chance. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I mean... Well, you know what I mean. I think your Mom is great!

SVB,

I'm haven't seen anything from you for a few days either. I think sometimes it's better to stay away from the MB forum. Just too much drama and pain here. On the other hands, there are a few posters here who feel like friends now. It's nice of you to "wonder" how I was. I'm ok. I just don't know much about anything. Work was going better. Today, I was slipping a bit, but still it is an improvement over the last few months. I have not looked at MB from work for 4 days now. I still read the news on the internet (while at work) occasionally, but I'm staying on task much better. I want to really lock in on it tomorrow and go home at the end of the day with a sense of accomplishment.

It's been raining and raining. I can't remember a rainier July.

Our proposed picnic was rained out, so we just had dinner here Saturday - nothing special, but we didn't argue or anything, and we swung DD in a sheet. She loves that - and it takes two to do it. It had been a while. She only weighs about 32 pounds. She lays on a sheet on the floor and we pick up the ends of it and swing her while singing some silly song. She really really loves that. It hurts my wife's back but she does it anyway (or at least used to). Maybe it was the last time. We'll see.

I was just so tired last weekend that I let WW come over on Saturday and I called her again Sunday morning so we could go church together. When DD is with me, WW wants to be here with her. When DD is not here, WW doesn't (want to be here). I don't have any illusions about that. After church WW wanted to go out to lunch, but I didn't think I would enjoy that. The last few times we ate out it was pretty unpleasant. So we stopped in the grocery and got a roasted chicken, potato salad (not as good as mine, we both agreed) and some other "junk" and ate at my house. WW went home after that, but called again wanting DD home Sunday night, so I relented and said "yes".

OH, I'm repeating myself.

TODAY

After work, I went to the "parenting in divorce" seminar. If you have kids, you have to go to this and get the certificate or they won't let you divorce. W went 3 months ago. I was a little anxious and burdened at the beginning, but they started talking about teenaged children first, so I was tuning out for awhile til they got down to preschoolers. It was ok. No surprises. 3 hours long, but I don't mind. If I get one idea to help my daughter, it's worth it.

They made us turn off our cell phones - so I was afraid I had missed DD's bedtime call. As soon as I got home WW called - and after DD said good-night, WW talked for over an hour. I usually cut her off, but I just let her talk this time. She's having a hard time - feeling guilty about breaking DD's family and feeling like she's wasted 7 years and a lot of other feelings and regrets. I think she's trying to work up courage to try to stay marriage and just endure a miserable existance for the sake of our child. I'm sorry. I'm not going to buy into that. If living with me makes her miserable, I'll just skip it.

Thanks for the memories of your family citizenship events. Sometimes, when I mention that my wife is an immigrant, I get the feeling that some people on this forum have an anti-immigrant bias - or that they don't quite get it that immigrants are people, just like any others. I'm sure you understand. It's nice to be understood.

I'm glad my wife came here - and I hope my daughter becomes bi-lingual, and is able to talk to her cousins, and grows up with an international perspective. The world looks a lot different if we lift our eyes a bit and see people outside this country and not think of them as some kind of phantoms - but as real people.

We did buy a little flag - the kind you fly from the car rolled up on the top of the window. But, my w was going to be embarrased if we carried it with us inside, so we left it in the car. I got a photo of my w saying the oath and another of her getting her certificate. DD likes to look at pictures. I'll show her and tell her about it from time to time - so she'll remember it.

OK, I will go to bed now. I'll take my melatonin pill to help.

Thanks again to all who read and comment.

-AD

Grey,

I almost missed your post. We posted simultaneously.

I'm not planning to be a monk, nor am I planning to "always be there" for my wife after we divorce. I'm just not making any plans (for women in my life) at all right now. I think I want to take it a day at a time. I know some things I definitely will do. I've got to reconnect with some old friends. I've got to get back into my old church. I have become a cave-dweller lately, I think. I've very isolated. I want to connect with my bro also. He lost his job a month ago and is considering moving if he can find something near where his wife's parents live. I'm ok with that, but it's a pity to miss the chance to connect with him while he is here. My 11-year-old nephew is a great kid. I want to be a real uncle to him again. I've been so consumed by my constant struggle in my marriage that I haven't given him much of my time.

I read FGG's (Georgia's) thread and am very impressed with the way he has gotten involved in all kinds of things - and made great connections with his new neighbors, new church, new hobby, new volunteer position etc. I'm just trying to keep the grass mowed (and losing the battle against all this rain).

Thanks so much for stopping in on my thread!

-AD

Hi folks.

SVB, GC, Neak, FF, Weaver - anybody else still read sometimes?

My life is almost entirely undramatic. Perhaps it is just my personality. It doesn't make for riveting reading, LOL.

OK. Today, WW was calling a few times. She called in the morning and invited me to go with her on a little jaunt to a small town 30 miles or so from here. I told her I was just then starting to mow at the other house - the one where we used to live - where nobody mowed for almost 2 months of constant rain - you know, the place where I got a warning letter from the homeowners' association. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

She agree that it was more important that I mow.

I had a pretty good day of it - got a lot done over there. Maybe the HOA won't sue me or something. They still say I've got the wrong mailbox and I have to change it. I think that will wait. It's the same mailbox that's always been there, and it doesn't grow or morph or anything.

I had bought a new push-mower and trimmer this morning - finally broke down and admitted that my old push-mower was just too hard to start. The new one is a sweetie. So far, 100 percent of the times that I pulled, she started right up. Every single time. Wow. That's amazing. I hope it keeps up like that. I have one pushmower, two trimmers and a blower now that won't start. Small engines have not been kind to me recently - until this one. Maybe, just maybe, there is a metaphore in here somewhere. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> If I ever (having first divorced my wife, of course) find a woman who treats me like this new mower... I'll be a happy man. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Well, so after I was pretty burned up (it was 97 today), I went in and found something in the freezer over there - didn't know what kind of meat it was until I defrosted it and figured out it was pork, so I sliced it, dreged it in cornmeal (some of that over there too) and fried it in the bottom of a bit pot (no skillets left). It was a nice lunch. Sorry, nothing to go with it.

I ended up taking a nap over there waiting for it to cool off - and went back to yard-work at 5pm. W called just then and suggested we get together for pizza. I agreed. So, I knocked off at 7 and went home, cleaned up.

DD and WW came. We did the pizza thing.

She said (while waiting for pizza) "the only bad thing about divorce is being separated from her child." I can smile at that now. I guess we're pretty far down the D pipe. You might think she would miss something of me. But no.

The amazing thing - is that as she left WW said "It was nice to see you."

That's a long long way from ILY, but it's as good as it gets lately.

I guess I'm not going to get a bedtime call tonight. It's almost 11 and they haven't called.

I'm sure I'm going to sleep well. It feels good to get out in the sun and get really hot and "wore out" (as the Texan's say).

-AD

Hey AD. I am reading. It sounds like you are doing pretty well. How often do you get your DD?

FF,

We have "standard visitation", which in this locale means. If you count all the days year-'round, she'll spend about 25% with me.

* Every wednesday from 3pm til 7 (or 8) am Thursday.

* 1st, 3rd (and half of 5th) weekends, from 6pm Fri until 8 am Monday.

* June 15 to July 15 (during which time the other parent gets the weekends and wednesdays that I would have gotten).

* some days around Christmas, but I can't remember the details right now.

* The usual fathers' day birthday and holiday arrangements.

I get to take her out of town for 10 days during my summer visit and if we miss any of Mom's wednesdays or weekends, she doesn't get a makeup.

W gets to take our out of town for 10 days once per year during which I miss whatever weekends / wednesdays I miss too.

My w fusses about the Sunday nights. And she is terrified of the June 15 to July 15 time. She weasled herself out of it this year, but next year we'll actually be D'ed (unless there is a miracle). I expect strong resistance to that.

-AD

I was just cruising Neak's posts to see what she'd been up to, since I've been too busy to visit with her much the last few days, and found the one she made to you. As I scrolled down a bit further, I also found the very nice comment you made about me. Thank you. How kind that you think I deserve it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I'll use it as a shield from any future 2x4s I may chance to encounter on the site as I continue (somewhat hesitantly, at this point) to unveil my story in The Sad Saga of OtherSusan the Stupid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

At any rate, I just wanted to throw in my $0.02 worth here and say that I can't believe it is possible to abandon something that has already left you and gone away! From a human point of view, as well as from clearly-stated Biblical principles (if that is important to you), you are the abandonee, not the abandoner, and no guilt can be attached to you (except by you, if you're determined to do so!) for continuing on in life.

Take care. Hope good things are just around the corner for you, and for the other MBers, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l

T&L,

Yes, well, I said you were great...

... before I read your lifestory thread. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

No, whatever ugly stuff you went through, you seem to have mostly come out OK on the other side. I say "mostly", because you're still ALIVE and it's too soon to tell. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I haven't read the rest of the story. Last I heard, your baby daughter was on a plane with your H and you were hoping (and praying!) that it would crash. I figure it got better (since you have grandchildren now), but I haven't caught the details yet. Mostly, I just like the way you write.

Now about my case...

My W, you see, is a very very unusual individual. I don't know why I started with that, but I did, so I'll try to fly with it. There are some mental health issues involved. I'm not saying "Dat woman! She crazy to dump me!", because that would be a conceited thing to say. What I'm saying is that she is a very complex woman who has had some extreme experiences in childhood - and I'm not sure how well she's going to make it on her own. It would be wonderful if she could be independent and work, and buy herself a house and all that. But, if she fails in that, can I stand by and watch her fall? I don't understand her relationship with OM. She certainly seems to keep him at arm's length - and perhaps augments her arms with 10-foot extenders. I think she's afraid to rely on him. So, if she, partly under the influence of PTSD, is divorced from me (which I was the most recent person pushing, not she), and then down the road falls into a bad state.... I'm going to be very uncomfortable. Make that extremely uncomfortable.

-AD

Quick Update:

I spent some time with my wife and daughter today. Drove around some, cooked and ate dinner here. She's talking again about "if we stay married". She took my laundry home with her and did it for me. I picked it up already. 3rd week in a row.

She's really down about finances. She says she hasn't kept track of things like she should have. She borrowed some money from our daughter's account (with my consent) when she thought she would be pre-paying her rent for 6 months. But she ended up renting at a different place, who, despite her questionable lack of official income, didn't demand that. So, she was going to pay it back, but realizes that she can't pay it all back right now.

She has never paid attention to finances. It has fallen to me to do that.

She wanted to buy a used piano, but realized that she can't afford it - and was sad about that.

-AD