[color:"blue"] Sometimes truth speaks plainly via the facts.

This seems to be one of those times. [/color]

T&L wins the prize!

Yes, after 2 months of sleeping on this and that (hide-a-bed and some kind of foam thing on the floor), I have a real bed. It looks strangely out of place here.

-AD

Oh, if it were only that simple... <sigh>

-AD

AD, I slept on my couch for three months because my bed was polluted with the tinman's cooties. The bed was de-assembled in the garage for most of that - 'til the sparrow came and got it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

My friends had a party out in the country, and we were thinking about a ritual burning of the bed. Shoot, that wouldn't have been so nasty. I followed the advice of my MB friends and didn't do it.

When I finally got a bed, it took me three tries to get a good mattress. The one I have is incredible. One of the benefits of being alone - no compromise on the bed.

And I always get to sleep diagonally - which I love.

Happy snoozing, my man.

GC

GC,

Oh yes, ritual burning is very attractive. I have a burn pile built up - just waiting for a reason to fire it up. (There are advantages to living outside the city limits.) I hope the wedding albumn doesn't end up on it. I want to keep it for DD, but I may have trouble resisting after I get the fire going.

As for beds... Honestly, this may be the wrong mattress.

But I'm not one to change things - especially if it costs money.

My wife, for example, I would have kept forever if she had just settled down and decided to keep me. Honestly, I never wanted another woman. Still don't, really. But I'll have to learn to.

Recently I was sleeping on the floor on a foam thing called a "flip chair". You can fold it into a "chair" (too soft for adults), or leave it flat as a "bed". I found it more comfortable than the hide-a-bad and probably just as comfortable as my regular bed. But, having adapted to that, the bed looks HUGE in the room. Why do people need such huge contraptions just to sleep? Maybe I'll try the Japanese mat on the floor thing.

But, I did sleep 8 hours last night - which is a very rare occurance.

Edited to add: I've really got to get a life. Writing about sleeping is just about the most boring thing I can imagine. <sigh>

More UPDATE:

Yesterday, I talked for awhile with my former neighbor accross the street from the other house. He invited me to play chess sometime. He's a psychaitrist - and an interesting man. I'll take him up on it for sure. His w is a friend of my w and I think they're trying to help save our marriage. I don't mind them trying.

Today, I went over and fixed the sprinklers in the back yard of the other house. Now, I'll try to get the grass in shape for the sale. I still have a repair to do in the front. I'll try to take care of that tomorrow afternoon. Water is quite expensive here, so I've never used the sprinklers - and actually, it is the sewer which is the most expensive. If I have them install a sepearate meter for outside water it will save me 60% - as they will not charge me sewer fees for that water.

-AD

Wow Pep, you're going back and reading July 4th! I wondered if anybody was going to comment about that. Thanks for noticing.

-AD

GC,

You can email me the brand name model type etc. of the mattress at [email]mb11094@yahoo.com.[/email]

I don't know if posting it would be considered a commercial endorsement, but you might as well try that too.

Even though I'm going to stick with what I've got, I've got to buy a mattress for my guest room.

Thanks,

-AD

Oh, and I did make it to church today - at my old church. I didn't really speak to anybody - just "hi" to a few folks I know. I'll have to start attending the small groups to make more personal contact.

-AD

I got back up to take a melatonin pill. Not sleeping. <sigh>

7am is only 4 hours, 41 minutes away.

How can I hope to work?

Well, I was driving to work this morning at almost 10am - when WW called the cell. I couldn't really hear her, so I told her I would be in the office in a couple of minutes if she wanted to call on the landline. She never called.

Tonight, she called at about 7:30 - asked if she could come over for a bit. I said "yes". I owed her the CS and temporary spousal support checks and figured that's why she was coming. But when she got here, she just walked in the door and kinda leaned to the side - as if to put her head on my shoulder. I gave her a sideways half-hug. She said she was tired. DD ran around and jumped on me (literally!) and WW just sat and watched - didn't seem to have any purpose in coming. Didn't ask about the checks.

She wandered into my bedroom and saw that the bed is set up here. She said it looked really cozy - a nice room. She went over a lay down - pulled the covers over her, and asked if she could stay the night. She said she was very tired. I didn't know what to say. I mean "yes" is a nice answer to a lovely lady who comes and gets in my bed - especially if she is my wife after all. What could be more normal? But, let's not get into that. I don't need any trouble. I didn't say anything really - just something like "well...". She asked "would it be so bad?" DD was jumping around and running back and forth - jumping on the bed. DD called it "mama's bed". "No", I said "It's papa's bed." DD insisted that it is "mama's bed". <sigh> I sat down and wrote the checks and tried to hand them to her (while she lay in bed). She wouldn't take them from my hand - asked me to leave them by the front door. I went and put them in her shoes (which she had shed at the door). After a few minutes, she said she'd better go or she would fall asleep - got up and left - taking my laundry as she went.

Whatever.

-AD

Four years ago, when we had our first separation, hearing my W say "I don't want a D", would have had me jumping with joy. Now... it's just something she said, something to think about, to be sure, but it's just a hint of a possible beginning of a long arduous trek - a trek that I'm not sure I want to make.

We went together to see the movie "March of the Penguins" a few days ago. Those penguins put us to shame. They are incredibly devoted parents - breeding in the most extreme environment of any breeding creature on earth. I'll not give it all away in case you (all zero of you) haven't seen it and think you might.

What should I be willing to endure to "save my family?" What does it even mean to "save my family?"

W says that she wouldn't trust OM to rub her feet. Huh!? So, I guess he only gets to rub the fun parts, because she can't believe that anybody would be willing to massage her feet (other than me).

We've been spending some time together - but mostly on my days with DD. It's not me she misses, it's DD.

She said that she doesn't believe that she is attractive, and it's easier to trust me - because she knows she can count on me - and because I'm 20 years older than she and she won't have to worry about another woman wanting me. (not her exact words).

I replied "but at least one other man thinks you are attractive", to which she replied "I don't trust him."

Today we went on a little outing which involved walking about a mile and a half with DD. DD wanted me to carry her. WW was jealous, became angry and petulant (I've outdone myself using that word!). I tried to encourage DD to let mom carry her. So, off WW went, carrying DD4. Now, WW has some back problems, and I know it really hurts her to carry DD4. But, she does it because she is afraid that DD will like me better. OK, so WW is carrying DD and DD is swinging her legs - kicking her mom. WW becomes angry, puts DD down and walks ahead rapidly (we were in a group of 30-40 tourists). DD was running behind calling "Mommy!" - crying a little. I picked her up, didn't know what was going on. I asked her "did you pull Mommy's hair? Did you pinch her? Did you say something mean to her." She didn't admit anything. I told her "If you
hurt Mommy, she's not going to carry you."

WW told me that I shouldn't carry DD because I'm making it look like I'm good and Mom's bad. I let her walk.

WW was making a scene almost by walking ahead to get away from us. After a few minutes, she held up and we caught up with her. DD took her Mom's hand. By the end, she was being carried again.

Then on the drive home, WW started talking about politics (related to school funding) and religion. She goes bezerk on religion because her parents were in a super-legalistic church and she is so burned by it that she distrusts all religion to this day (although lately she's been taking DD to church). This convo turned unpleasant.... yada yada.

I'm tired.

I want to be a good dad. Do I have to plop myself up on the ice and waddle 70 miles then stand with an egg on my feet for 4 months without eating in 50 below weather?

-AD

AD, I hate to say this but your WW interactions with your DD just screams immaturity to me. Would she have done this if you weren't there?

Yep, AD - your W has a big problem. She appears to not want to be a grownup.

GC

<sigh>

FF & GC,

Yeah, I know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I don't know. I'm sure it would have been different. Mainly she was jealous of DD's attention to me. That put in her in a bad mood - making her more sensitive to anything DD did.

I think, in a way, she was angry with DD for not coming to her (Mom) first.

She expects DD to "love" her - which I think is misguided, at least in my view of young children. Young children are naturally selfish. It's really too much to expect that they will "love" their parents. They wouldn't really know that that means. They can, on the other hand, be taught to behave - which includes not kicking Mom while she's carrying.

I had a talk with WW about that - when she had cooled off. I told her basicly that she's going to smother DD if she expects to be the only person in her life. She "jokes" that she will dispose of any future boyfriends etc. It's in a joking style, but only time will tell. I think there is a natural time in a child's life when they are more interested in their friends than they are in their parents. If DD had any friends (which in reality, she doesn't), they would be a threat to her Mom.

Of course, you and I know what happens when a parent smothers a child: Rebellion! It has to happen - but in a smothered child, it's worse. What do I know? This is my only child. It just seems to me that it has to be that way.

At the end of the day, we were at my house and DD was running the entire length of the house and launching into me like a gymnast into a piece of equipment - pushing me down. I love it! It's something we (DD and I) do. I sit on the floor crosslegged and she pushes me on my back. She really does run at me full bore too!

After watching about a dozen cycles of this, W said "I see how she loves you."

And...


-AD

Hi AD,

I think I remember you mentioning that your W wouldn't ever go to IC. Sometimes I really wish that she would reconsider.

svb

svb,

Well, she did go a few times, and took her medication once or twice. I think the meds helped, but she didn't stick with them. I think she has a lot of anxiety in general - and maybe some psychosis. I don't know. I'm not a professional. She almost could be diagnosed with PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder).

From childhood?

When a person is driven entirely by her emotions, and uses her intellect only when absolutely necessary, you never know what to expect from her. Would you say your WW is this way?

GC

Update:

I don't know what's going on.

WW says she doesn't want a D - but she gets wound up - becomes very critical, heaps on blame. Honestly, I can't even keep track of it. I just listen; waiting for it to end.

I went to visit one of our former neighbors last night. W was livid! She was very angry with me - said that they were her friends and not mine and I had no right to visit with them. She was very very insistent - said that if I visited them, she would not let me talk to DD except for my visitation time etc. I told her she was out of line - that although my visit with the neighbors was not all that important to me, there was certainly nothing inappropirate about it. It was perfectly normal and she had no valid basis for complaint. I assured her that I would not talk about her - and I didn't. Actually, I don't think I mentioned her name.

I had been invited to play chess with the man; and his wife had emailed inviting me to dinner as well. As it turned out, I cancelled on dinner and just came for the chess afterwards. Probably I should have cancelled earlier. Mainly I skipped the dinner to minimise whatever reaction WW was having to it. She is afraid to lose her friend - the wife. By skipping dinner I really had very little contact with the wife, since she started putting the kids to bed soon after I arrived. I enjoyed the visit (and the chess) - and plan to play chess with him again. I don't plan to discuss my wife with him.

Today, W was still angry about it. She told me "I hate you" at least 2 or three times - and she was very clingy with DD when I came to pick her up for the mid-week visit. She was trying to find an excuse for DD not to come - or her (ww) to come also.

Actually, I can see that she's in a pretty shaky state - and I'm beginning to think that psychosis is a more apt description than anything else. I feel sorry for her, since she clearly is suffering.

Now... what to do?

I told her that I would spend Thursday evening making a list - of what I would expect of her (if we stayed married) and what I would be willing to do for her (if we stayed married), but honestly it doesn't seem like something I want to do - mostly because I have never seen her follow through on any promise or commitment unless it, just by chance, happened that she continually "felt like" doing whatever she had committed to do. I'm sure she's not going to resist saying "I hate you" whenever she feels like it (which apparently is often) - or perhaps even stopping sneaking off to see OM.

I get a clear sense that she really doesn't rely on OM very much - if at all. I don't understand.

If she commits to NC (again) what then?

To the extent that she has mental health issues - I feel obligated to stick with her and do all I can to help her.

She says that I call into question her behaviour as if I'm doubting her sanity - and she find that very hurtful. I wish I could deal with her without doing that. Maybe I'm the one with the worse mental health. (I do talk to myself, you know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

Honestly, I don't want to be married to anybody who treats me the way she treats me. But, if she can change the way she treats me, that would be an entirely different question.

-AD

Yes. Early childhood in war - and abuse after having been orphaned and adopted.


Hmmmm. No. Not really. It seems more like she has a skewed perception of reality - which (if i understand the terminology correctly) is what they call psychosis. Intellect as a logic engine is limited by the data on which it bases it's computations. If a person mis-percieves reality, the most perfect logic in the world will not help them.

[edited to add]

On further consideration, I would say that she "feels" that "feelings" are more important than "thoughts". To that extent, she may fit your description. I don't think it has anything to do with avoiding the use of her intellect, but more that she feels so intensely, that she is immediately sidetracked by the fight/flight mechanism is if there is no time for thinking.

-AD