AD, I think that you should not be idle when she verbally abuses you.

I think you need sharp, clear boundaries on this that you enforce strictly, clearly, and immediately when these episodes occur.

GC

GC,

Please explain how I should do that.

Now she wants me to go to my lawyer ASAP and get the papers in order.

Can you say 'coaster?

AD, I guess it's time to weigh your attachment to her, your compassion for her, and your desire to get out of this mess and see what matters most.

If I was on the phone with a woman, and she called me names or said she hated me, I'd immediately interrupt her, tell her "Call me back when you can show me a little decency and don't do it after 10 PM," and hang up.

GC

Yes.

AD, I think a very calm, clear statement like "I will talk to you when you can treat me with the same respect I treat you" and hang up. Can you tell me why you are not going for custody? Seems like your WW anger may be a problem, do you worry about your DD?

GC, Weaver (Hi!) and FF,

I do that kind of thing all the time. Really, I don't endure forever. Sometimes I say "I really don't want to hang up on you, but I'm finished with this conversation. Please just say 'bye'." Then, I hang up whether she says "bye" or not (usually she doesn't).

Then, I unplug my office phone and turn off my cell for an hour or two - 'cause she will always call back to continue the diatribe.

-AD

I've been thinking about the upcoming termination of our marriage.

I listen to my wife - listening to her heart, and what I hear is that she wants to be taken care of, but she holds on to so much resentment that she won't allow me to take care of her. If somehow we could break through that resentment and distrust, we could have a good life together - because I enjoy taking care of her.

Why is she so angry all the time? I think it is because she wanted to be taken care of, but didn't feel protected from all the difficulties of life and resenting that, became angry - but even more angry because she doesn't think she is worthy of being taken care of. There is some kind of spiral action going on here.

------

Does anybody remember that W's nephew used to live with us. He moved out in April. He's graduated and is leaving the country - had a going away party - didn't invite me. I provided him with a home for almost 5 years and paid for almost all of his college education - and he doesn't even invite me to his going away party (hosted by some old folks, friends of his grandparents). Did I brush my teeth? Did I bathe? I don't even cuss. What would it hurt to just invite me? I might have even gone! Not that my feelings are really hurt at this point - since I've more or less written him off.

------

-AD

So the fog spreads to family now? Hm.... be glad you have some distance between them. Know you did your best and don't have a guilty conscience.

In time, their lack of care for you will show up in their lives and I hope it smacks them in their face.

Hugz, AD.

L.

Orchid,

Well Nephew is 22 and we can't expect him to be socially adept.

-----

Update,

I've not done well at all yesterday. This past week, I started converting all my old photographic negatives into digital format - using a film scanner. It takes about an hour per roll (minimum). So, Saturday, I was doing that - and staying up way late (I realize what time it is now, but we're talking 4am). So, Saturday I did nothing but that. Scanning all those negatives forces upon me a review of the last few years, which may be neccesary or at least benefitial.

Today, W came over and cooked Sunday evening dinner - one of her old standard dishes - very nice. She treated me pretty well (and this isn't even my weekend with DD - so I got to spend some extra time with her). She didn't seem in a hurry to go home - and went out back and found a container of seashells we picked up on our first trip to FL after we married. She washed a bunch of them and took them home with her. I said "I remember that trip". She replied "I don't". I gave her a few details - we stayed in an old-fashioned cabin where you could step right out on the sand. She remember that. That place is gone now, replaced by two-story condos - which eventually will be replaced by high-rises. The summary of today is that other than the fact that she went home (about 9pm) it seemed like a normal day.

Whatever. (and I don't really mean that, but I don't know what to think.)

Edited to add that I rubbed her foot a little today. It needed it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> (She had a spinal injury 8 years ago and as a result she has some nerve damage which affects her feet - one of them more than the other. Massage helps.)

-AD

N22 flew home to Moscow today. He didn't say goodbye to W and didn't carry her package to her parents. She was bummed about that.

I'm probably going to invite W to a concert this weekend in Atlanta. I rarely go to concerts, and I don't really have the money to spend, but it looks like one to remember. I mentioned it to her, and I'm sure she'll go if I buy the tickets.

I don't know what I'm doing.

-AD

That makes two of us, AD.

But not to worry. I'm sure she'll change on her own or divorce you...

I'm just giving you sh*t. I don't have answers, but I think you're a champ. So does your daughter, I'm thinkin'.

GC

Thanks, GC.

It's Chick Corea and Bobby McFerrin.

I saw Chick Corea once, waaaaaay back when, in 1990 I think. I remember liking it. Have lost track of him since.

Okay, AD, in interest of you getting some sleep, I'm outa here.

You're right, by the way. Two guys in the band are single and have no responsibilities. The singer likes being in a band but isn't crazy about being a musician. Figure that.

I could use a keyboard like yours. I just have an old Hammond organ. It sounds awesome though, and it's good to keep tulips on. Haw, haw.

GC

Tulips?

Must be some cult-ural reference... or you actually have tulips on it.

My lunch-buddy at work has one of those - H organs. He wants to move it up the the second floor of his house. I suggested he take a window out and use a crane. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Chick Corea is the only real reason that I ever wanted to play the piano. And my lunch buddy... the first time he came to my house (when I had the C7 here), he sat down and started playing... "My Spanish Heart". It broke my heart. I would do anything (except practice every day for years, LOL) to be able to play that stuff. It rattles around in my head all the time. I don't know any of Chick Corea's recent stuff - this was from the 70's - so maybe the concert will be "weird". Bobby will fix it though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

-AD

Hi--where you bean? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I'd tell you to keep your chin up, but every time I try that, somebody takes a poke at it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Hi T&L,

I've just been trying to have a little life here - and haven't made time for MB - also when I've been on - haven't felt much like saying anything.

but...

UPDATE

W came over last night - and just left a few minutes ago (with DD). It was nice. I got to bed a whole lot earlier than usual. Nuff sed.

I still don't know what I'm doing.

Oh, and before W came over, my lunch buddy came over (on his way home from work) and hammered on my new piano for awhile. He sure can play! W was sorry she missed it.

-AD

Well, this coaster is rolling... down now.

I'm feeling pretty rotten - and I think we will for sure be D'd.

This is supposed to be my weekend with DD, but she is not here. That's my fault, I suppose.

This afternoon (at my foolish suggestion), we all went over to "our" house to clean some in preparation for selling it. I turned on the sprinkers and W put DD in a swimsuit so she could run around and get wet while I weeded flower beds. But first, I got stupid - and yelled at my wife, who really in no possible way shape or form "needed yelling at". I realize that I was on a short fuse, since yesterday I had this up down crash thing - and haven't had a real nights sleep in forever. But still.... what an LB fool I was.

I was in the garage, trying to figure out how to simply turn on one zone of the sprinkler system (which I've only fiddled with 2 or 3 times before), and having a little delay in getting it going, while W was standing at the door of the garage yelling "No! Turn it on in the back yard!". So, I snapped back at her...

Stupid of me. She got bent out of shape. DD saw we were quarelling and it messed her up. I think now that just being there with both of us was hard on DD a little - 'cause she doesn't know why we don't all live there anymore and why some of her stuff is in 3 different places etc. etc. Then, of course, she remembers that there were some tense times when we lived there...

So, I got everything all messed up.

We carried on - did our stuff, but it wasn't the same - and in the end, DD didn't want to go home with me.

I'm crushed by my own stupidity.

I have no words.

I didn't even describe the situation very accurately. Sorry. WW didn't do anything wrong. It's all my fault. That makes it much more disheartening. I feel like i'm not fit for family life. I don't really believe that, but still... I don't have a very high opinion of myself right now.

-AD

Oh, AD. Try again tomorrow.

GC

Thanks GC,

I suppose I will. W called after I got home, and it seemed that she was most concerned that I might think that she influenced DD in some way against me. She said "see you tomorrow". At this point, I don't even want DD to come this weekend. I don't feel up to it.

-AD