Nice shock last night. I finally got to look at WH's work
email. That's been a sore point for a long time because that's
where he hid so much the last time. He actually set it up for me
on his laptop and I started reading.

I guess he thought I'd only look in the inbox. Didn't he realize I'd exactly which folders to search?

Turns out he's been lying and lying and lying about what he's
really been doing. Lies where the truth would serve much better.

Remeber the family reunion/wedding he went to without me last week? He swore up and down that there would be no bachelor party there and I didn't need to worry about that. I found an email from him to his brothers offering to arrange one.

For the last couple of years, he has sworn there have been *no*
social events at work among his own team, glaring at me like I'm
the B*tch Who Stole Christmas. There's a nice thank-you note from
him to his team on his last birthday thanking them for decorating
his office and bringing him a cake. A birthday party at the office is one thing -- but he just flat out lied to my face and swore that they never, ever, ever do anything like this anymore. This is how desperate he is to enjoy those strokes and attention from "his people" and keep me OUT of any of it.

And it seems he won his company's highest award again this year, just like he did last year, this past April. He said not one word about this. Just said it was just another trip to Chicago. This is his company's highest award and everyone is sooooooo proud of him. I wonder if they know they're giving it to a pathological liar who utterly ignores his wife and lets his family live in hell.

It is absolutely amazing the lengths he is determined to go to, in
order to keep me out of his work life and keep me from spoiling his
own private fun. The risk of my getting involved is just too great
and he would rather do anything than let that happen, so this is
what he does instead.

And God only knows what else he's lying about.

I feel like someone died. This is not the person I married. I guess that's the only way I can begin to cope with it -- like my husband died and I have to accept the fact that I'll never see him again.

I feel like I'm dying, too.

Oh, well. I tried. I'll be watching the local fires all day today.
They are making CNN news now because they're just north of
Scottsdale and lots of $$$$$$$$$ homes. I'm just worried about my
horse because she has never been trailered anywhere and if they
have to evacate I'm not sure how that would go. The local
racetrack just up the road from here has been opened up to take
evacuated horses if need be.

Note to new BSs here: If you feel in your gut that something is still wrong, you can bet your last dollar that something *is* wrong. Trust your instincts. They won't lead you wrong.

Sorry -- just thought I'd post an update, if anyone cares. It keeps me from screaming, at least for a while.
Mulan

Hi, Mulan.

So, was this an effort to come clean on his part, or was he feeding the 'loop' ?

Gimble

AMEN, AMEN, AMEN!!

Sorry, but I agree with that 2 million%!!!

Mulan, I feel truly awful for you... and you are right, it is a death. It is a death of a M and it is a death of the life you thought you had and a death of the man you thought you knew... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My instincts are what lead me to check his phone bill last month and what revealed to me that he has yet to break contact with OW...

And even though part of me misses my life, my H, my friend... some part of me keeps screaming that things may *NEVER* be what I want them to be, not with him.

{{{{Mulan}}}} Again, I am sorry for your pain... the road ahead may see rough, but there is life on the other side.

So what are you going to do?

Susan

(((((Mulan)))))

I feel your pain, I feel your bitterness, your resentment makes me tremble.

No excuses for your H's unfaithfulness, but I have to wonder if you are ever happy for him, happy for his success, and if you would actually be there with him as he recieved his rewards, if you would increase or detract from the experience.

Sorry, I realize it is a 2x4, but I think you need to change your priorities and DO SOMETHING. If you need a change, make it honey. I am routing for you. The whole squad here is routing for you,

Follow the valuable advice that you give others here. Doctor, heal thyself!

Good insight there lost. I wondered the same thing when I was reading her last thread.

office sluts

slutty female co-manager

helpless little sluts

work sluts

leeches

trashy females

first office slut

every bimbo at work

office bimboes

These are just some of the terms that you abundantly used in describing the women where he works.

I have to admit, with that type of attitude he would be NUTZ to take you to one of the office gatherings. If you are that free with those slurs describing the women he works with, he will be afraid to take you. Could you blame him?

I am just going by your posts and I think that you are a cocked cannon...ready to fire! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I know that you are a few years older than him...is it 9 or so? Are you having some feelings of insecurities in that area? Are the women at his work younger than you...and closer to his age that you feel threatened by them, because I have to admit that I thought that while reading your other post.

In NO way am I making excuses for his affair...I am starting to understand his reasoning at not wanting you at the office shendigs.

So...what can YOU change?

JMHO
committed

Yes, as one marriage counselor brilliantly deducted a few years ago, I am angry. But you are addressing the symptoms, not the cause.

I am sorry I posted. Really. I don't usually post about my own situation because it is so hard-core and has gone on for so long.

I can tell you, though, that no one has any call to worry about my behavior in public. I have never done anything to any of his co-workers that I am ashamed of or that has *ever* embarassed him.

I have, however, been insulted to my face by one of his favorite and very drunk females, been forced to look at the back of my WH's head at dinner while he gave all his attention to another favorite female, and had the pleasure more than once of watching that one "accidentally" bend over and present her butt to WH in public.

But we are worried about *my* behavior?

I am angry because he cut me out. He did not cut me out because I am angry. I love you all, but you have the cause and effect reversed.
Mulan

Not all of us dear! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You are right, he is keeping you out to prevent you from ruining his fun!

My WH got to the point where he lied about things to keep me out of the gym, even discouraged me working out cause he did not want me to know he was still doing the OW! (they work in the gym together...yes STILL, that damn place is built over the hellmouth! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> )

You will find NO 2x4s here. BTDT and know better!

We shall repeat the question:

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

Mulan,

(((((HUGGS!))))

So sorry you are going thru this now. I know it is a hard time for you. This new information must have hurt terribly. I feel for you, Mulan.

You are always a blessing to those you post to. I kept up on you posting to Lunamare when no one else would help.

Looks like you have an ongoing situation. What would it take to be honest with your H about the hurt his work situation makes you feel? Are all the other spouses excluded, or is it only you? Sorry your H doesn't get it. What do you think you can do to communicate this to him?

I don't have much advice, only sympathy. And you know you are WORTHY. You deserve better than this.

Just try not to LB. Calm Mulan, calm. Step back and think about what you want. Then figure out what you can do to get there.

Do what is best, and then you can always say you did what you could. You have fought the good fight. Bravo, Mulan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Perhaps you might think about Plan B? It seems to me that you H is shutting you out because he wants to continue his behavior, and has suceeded until now.

Just my vho.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Nothing changes if nothing changes.


Your behavior is the 50% of the equation we can help you with.

But we are worried about *my* behavior?

That would be a "YES" since YOUR behavior is the only one that YOU have any control over. YOUR behavior is the only one that YOU can change.

I think you are looking to change HIM...to control HIS behavior... I do not think anyone here has that solution. That is why I offered up that maybe YOU need to change if you are wanting to stay in that marriage.

Unless, your post was simply complaining while you are waiting for some predetermined time when you leave? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I am sorry I posted. Really. I don't usually post about my own situation because it is so hard-core and has gone on for so long.

Does that translate into "my situation is DIFFERENT and no one would understand"?

~*Newsflash*~ You might be surprised to discover that yours isn't all that unique...there are others that have/are dealing with the very same treatment. Don't be too quick to push their suggestions aside.

JMHO
committed

***Does that translate into "my situation is DIFFERENT and no one would understand"?***

No, it doesn't. It's only "different" in that I have chosen to stay for my son, and I've said that before. But I am looking at apartments now. It may well be better for me to just go a short distance away and let DS17 come to me. He has his own car and is pretty independent, though he still has another full year of high school.

For the past several months I have been struggling and struggling and struggling to trust WH, because he gets so angry and his honor is insulted if he thinks I don't trust him. (no, really.) Now I find out that the lies and deception were even deeper than I suspected.

Now I realize that when it comes to him, I have NO idea what is real and what isn't. NO idea what to believe or what to expect. None at all. Anything could happen and I won't even know. It's like being made to be non existent, like a non person, like I don't even exist.

For the record, his lying started some 15 years ago. It just took me a long time to figure it out and confront him about it. It simply became his normal way of "managing" his marriage and it's as natural as breathing to him.

I offered long ago to work with him and POJA things. He flatly refused. It's not like I didn't try to compromise in every way I could think of.

Now I am completely disoriented and feel like I have wandered into some parallel universe where some things are real but others aren't and there is NO way of knowing for sure.

Ever see that old movie *Gaslight,* with (I think) Ingrid Bergman? Her husband deliberately did things to let her think she was losing her mind, and then blamed her when she couldn't cope. That's what this feels like. (BTW, I think she kills him at the end of the film.)

I do appreciate everyone's responses. Please just ignore me if I have offended anyone. I just have to deal with things day by day right now. I have nowhere to go at this particular moment, but I am working seven days a week and saving what I can so I can get out. I am just trying to get through moment by moment.
Mulan

Mulan,

I hope that you continue to post and share. You have helped me and others so much.

You are so good at prodding others into taking positive action. You seem to be too burnt-out in your own situation and have lost all hope for a better future with WH. I am sorry that our prodding put you on the defensive.

Please take care of yourself and let us help you, if we can, to find the strength to make a new beginning!


(((((Mulan)))))

Coach asked somebody this in a thread once and it stuck with me...

"What do you REALLY want? If you could have it with NO cost, what would it be?"

Once you know that...work like the devil to get there. If it is yor M and you have exhausted ALL hope of saving it...you still have choices.

One other thought...

"The opposite of love isn't hate...it's indifference"

Are you different toward your WH?

Best wishes,

WNB

Mulan,

I'm sorry for this most recent update but please, like I said before: what are you waiting for? Your H is not going to change.EVER.He is living his life as he wants and you are just there,in the same home,but enduring his lies.You sound like an intelligent woman who would have much going for her but you are still holding on to I don't know what.You can't even say you're in any kind of marital recovery and are having a hard time through it.You are just co-existing with this man.I think this is why you are dying again.

You have to take yourself out of that environment Mulan.I'm sorry bit I don't have support for you in this sham of a "marriage" because based on what you have been telling us,there is nothing,nothing to work with.All I can say is that when I finally pushed my WH out of our home and made him stop coming here and seeing him,THAT is when I truly re-emerged.It was easy to stay SICK while in a SICK environment.Think about it.

I do care about you Mulan but I see you suffering when you don't have to.We all have to come to terms with losing our loved ones as WE knew them post A.I did too but I am not holding onto that anymore.It still is a like a far away sadness now but each month that rolls by,I am more secure and confident that I made the right decision.I am just not sure you can see how wonderful life can be on your own when you are within the compound that is your life at home.This feeling of being FREE is so wonderful.

REMOVE ALL TOXIC PEOPLE FROM YOUR LIFE and it can happen.

O

Mulan-

Just wanted to offer you my support, I think you are dealing with a bad situation with a lot of grace hon, just wanted you to know.

-Caren

Mulan,

Just a note to let you know that I am sending support..

Have you ever been out in the garden and found a little seedling struggling to survive in the garden? There it is in an inhospitable spot...it is dark, the soil is rocky, it barely gets water....and yet the seedling grows.....so you very carefully lift it out....put it a sunny, but not too bright part of the garden, give it good soil and fresh water....the little seedling thrives...drinks it all in and then one day it sprouts leaves...some more leaves and then one day...you cannot believe your eyes...there is a bud and then next comes the beautiful, fragrant flower?

Mulan, that is what I wish for you.....I understand your reasons for being there for your son, but no one can live in the environment that you describe.....I hope you will move to a sunny part of the garden where you can become healthy and bloom. Be strong...have courage...you have helped others here and you deserve to use your wisdom to help you!!!! With all blessings..

Dear Mulan,

I have been away from the board. I just came across this. I know it's been a few days, but nevertheless, I want you to know that I think about you and care about you. I will pray that you will get to a place where you will take the good advice you so patiently and repeatedly gave to me at some of my lowest moments. You deserve more.

Please stay in touch.

Lunamare

Mulan: “I offered long ago to work with him and POJA things. He flatly refused. It's not like I didn't try to compromise in every way I could think of.”

At least you know where you stand. I make the same offers, over and over again. I get reassurances and little tidbits of progress only to find out it’s all lies and manipulation after all. She says what she thinks I want to hear, and does what she wants anyway.

The A may or may not be going on again, but the distant behavior is back and it seems that the lies never left.

What is so odd to me is that the lies and the distance have no logic to them. I’m getting lies about inconsequential things even where the truth would obviously serve her better.

There is something wrong in the wiring...