Michele,

Everything is going as planned. Take a few deep breaths and remember that you are in the cat-bird seat here. Even if you can't get a hold of OWH today, you can still reveal to you WH tonight that the jig is up. One way or another it should happen today. I don't think you can hold on much longer, nor should you, in my opinion.

Telling OWH is secondary and is a good thing to do if you can time it so he doesn't tell his wife before you get a chance to sit down with your husband tonight. If he tells his wife before then, she can get in touch with your husband (via cell, perhaps?) and spill the beans. So if you DO manage to get in touch with her husband please tell him that you have held onto this information for a week and you really need him to hold his tongue until XX:00 tonight when you will be telling your husband. Explain that you don't want the two of them getting together and concocting some sort of story to "explain it all." Offer to call him tomorrow to compare "stories" you both get from your spouses.

But either way, you will sit down with your husband tonight and tell him you know he's been having an affair with OW. You can tell OWH later. If WH asks if you plan to tell OWH just say, "Yes. I would have by now but I couldn't get a hold of him. He is going to be told because if it was me I would want him to tell me and not leave me in the dark. Let's talk about our marriage, not theirs."

Do NOT under any circumstances agree not to tell OWH. Not if your WH begs, pleads, says OWH will beat OW to death, nada, zip, zilch. Just calmly say OWH deserves to know and you won't leave him in the dark. Then get back to your marriage. Always go back to talking about the two of YOU, not them.

I know this is going to be tough and you have been as strong as steel up until now. Hang on to your strength tonight and know there are people out there praying for you. Don't have any preconceived notions about how your WH will react. No one knows how he will react. Just know that you are going to end the secrecy tonight and try to stay in the frame of mind that your marriage is worth saving, no matter what WH will say or do.

Also, have you taken the time to read MelodyLane's post "Don't Expect a Medal?" Please do that. It is an excellent thread on what is likely to happen when you expose.

~ Snow

Oh, and as far as contacting the OW my take is that right now you need to save your strength for saving your own marriage. I had many email conversations with OW after dday but in the end, it wasn't really helpful to our recovery. And depending on the OW, contact can be detrimental to your recovery.

Write her an email and tell her everything you want to say. Then send it (or not), with a cc to her husband and yours. That way you can get stuff off your chest but you don't give her a chance to give you any crapola.

Hang in there.

~ Snow

Ok that all makes me feel better. I will keep trying to contach OWH but if I don't I will expose to H tonight. The kids will be at grandmas.

One more thing Michele,,

When you confront your H, do NOT give up your sources. Do not let him know HOW you know..only that you DO know.

If you tell him about your PI, tape recorders, loggers, etc you will lose the ability to ever use them again. And you'll still need them for awhile, even if he promises to end it immediately.

Good luck Michele!!
We're behind you 100%!!!

I was wondering that. But he will deny and deny unless I show him something. Just like he has before when I've asked questions. He will not confess unless something is put in front of him. So what do I give up?

I just read Melody's post about what to expect during exposure. I guess I'm prepared for anything.

Don't give up your sources. They all deny. Just tell him that you know beyond a doubt, and he knows too. Don't explain or argue.

Michele,

He's GOING to deny. It's worked for him in the past and he'll do it again. But this time you aren't lost, asking questions and begging for answers. This time you are making statements and waiting for a response.

"______, I know you've been having an affair with _______. This hurts me so deeply but I love you and am prepared to do whatever necessary to save our marriage. I want you to end this affair immediately and help me repair our marriage."

NO questions.

OK. He's going to say "Baloney Michele. You don't KNOW anything. You're just imagining things. Being jealous and possessive. That's crazy!! She's just a friend. How do you KNOW?"

"Please don't continue lying to my face. I DO KNOW. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. I want you to end this with her immediately and recommit to our marriage. I love you."

I see. He will do that. And he'll say I'm driving him away with all of this. But I'll start plan a. Can I make conditions though. We keep our boat an hour away where she lives. H used to keep it near us. He just cancelled the slip near us and has the boat over there full time. Can I demand he bring the boat back? His double life is over there. He can't be trusted if he goes over there. Can I demand it?

Michele, approach it like this. If he wants to save your marriage, ask him what he going to do to repair the damage. Tell him he will have to come up with a plan of recovery and do things to protect you.

Suggest things like moving the boat back, promising to never ever see the OW again, sending the OW a letter of no contact [we have samples], answering all your questions about the affair, and opening his life up to you. Opening up his life would include keeping in touch with you so you know where he is at all times and giving you access to his voicemail and cellphone passwords.

Those are all the things it will take to restore your marriage, Michele. HOWEVER, you don't want to demand anything. If he wants to save the marriage, he needs to have a program of recovery and this is what it will take. Just make suggestions, no demands.

And alreadycrazy is right, you aren't asking him if he has been unfaithful, you are simply informing him that you know. You don't have to prove what you already both know.

ok I understand. You all are good at this. I think I have my head straight. I have about 6 more hours until he comes home. This is really tough. My kids are heading out in a couple of minutes and I'll be here alone. Is there anything else I should do or think about?

Michele, I can't remember if we mentioned it, but whatever you do, don't tell him that you are going to expose him to anyone. Some folks think it is a good idea to use this as a threat and it is a TERRIBLE idea because it only gives the WS a chance to pre-empt exposure by warning the OP.

You will do great, Michele; you have come this far without crumbling.

We didn't arrive here at MB that way Michele.
We have learned,,,through our mistakes and others,,through our successes and others, and reading, reading, reading. We've been where you are. Feeling very alone and scared.

You'll do ok Michele. Picture all of us there behind you every step of the way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Michele,

I hope you are doing well today.... or at least as well as can be expected. I know you are going through a very trying and awful time. Anyone who has experienced a D-day knows how you are feeling. It does get better. Hang in there. (((HUGS)))

~ Snow

Bumping for Michele. Hope you're doing OK.

Michele,

Inquiring minds want to know??? You OK?

SD

I'm ok. I exposed to OWH and he said it hurt but was glad I called. My H is very remorseful and said that he was trying to end it recently. Come to find out from OWH that they were getting a divorce. He was waiting for her to tell him what she wanted. So he was happy to find out so he can move on.
My H said she wanted him and he finally told her that he couldn't leave his family. I feel his remorse and he has said he was sorry over and over. He was on his knees with his head on my lap for a long time last night. It was very difficult. But I did the right thing and my marriage has another chance. We held eachother all night last night and right now he is writing a NC letter to her. I didn't even say to do that. It was his idea. I don't even know what to do next. I didn't read that far ahead. I thought I would have to be in plan a for awhile. So any advice would be great. There is more detail to this women. There may be a second man in the picture. I had heard about him. He is OW best friend. Well OWH told me several times he asked her to come out to dinner, she said she was too tired. He drove to her place and the best friends truck was in the driveway. He never could get proof that THEY were having an affair. So it looks like OW is playing some kind of game here. I'll post more tomorrow on how things are going. I ate very well today, but didn't sleep too great. I'm doing good though. I thank you all for asking. I think we are just beginning. I see I have a long way to go to move on from this. I may have to get counseling if I can't do it myself. You all are wonderful people to give such caring and good advice. I handled it the best way because of you all. I'll post back later.

Good job, Michele! The no contact letter should go something like this: no contact letters and should be approved by you and mailed by you. This is a huge first step in restoring trust.

Now, I don't want to throw a wet blanket on your progress, but I must warn you about something. It is very common that the WS breaks his word to end contact and contacts the OW again after the initial shock of getting caught. It is because he is likely addicted to the affair and has a hard time withdrawing. I hope this doesn't happen, Michele, but please be prepared for this eventuality.

Your work has just begun in restoring your marriage.

Michele - GREAT JOB. I'm proud of you.

Others here may disagree, but the fact that your husband will send the NC letter is HUGE to me. In the time I have been here, I've seen very few WS's send NC letters and then have contact again. Usually they refuse to send one. Some day I'll do a poll, but I think that is a very good sign.

Now you will have to expect several weeks of withdrawal. Try to be there for your husband. I know that doesn't seem fair, but that is the way it is.

Also the Harley's suggest 15 hours a week of quality time spent together.